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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be fecking sick of people telling me 'just tell him to...'

121 replies

Leonas · 14/11/2012 21:12

My DP does sweet FA in the house and takes very little responsibility for anything at all. Friends keep telling me 'Just tell him you are not doing it anymore', 'Just telling him to do it himself' etc etc. Do they not realise that after 7 years I HAVE TOLD HIM THIS!
It has no effect. I tried not doing housework but cave and do dishes when I am forced to eat my cereal out of a cup/ have so much ironing needing done the cupboard I stuff it in wont close anymore etc.
I keep hearing 'I wouldn't stand for that' as if I am chosing it and don't mind - just pisses me off that people seem to think I want to be made to feel like a dick for 'letting' him not do any housework :(

OP posts:

notmyproblem · 14/11/2012 22:23

OP if he doesn't listen to you when you ask him to pull his weight around the house, what else doesn't he listen to you about? Are you allowed to have an opinion on other things, or does everything you say go in one of his ears and out the other? Does he have any respect for you at all?

Momsnatter · 14/11/2012 22:24

It's not about a lack of respect in our relationship - although I appreciate that it can be in some. My DH just thinks differently to me. Mess doesn't bother him. He'll happily cook a meal, look after the DCs etc. but he wouldn't think to wash the dishes until he needed to use them again. He doesn't expect me to do it, he just doesn't expect it to be done at all until there's no option. I hate disorganisation though.
OP, how is it for you? Do you feel disrespected? Can you sit him down and tell him how you feel? I guess you've tried this though...

AnyFucker · 14/11/2012 22:27

Momsnatter, do you do some things for your DH that you know he likes, but you might not otherwise do ? If so, why couldn't he do the same for you ?

wewereherefirst · 14/11/2012 22:32

My DH lives with mess blinkers on, I need to spell it out slowly over a number of weeks before it sinks in. He's 12 years older than me and perfectly capable of cleaning up (he's ex military), but seemingly he chooses to ignore it and leave it to me. Highly frustrating.

maddening · 14/11/2012 22:37

But if you have been complaining to your friends for 7 years the only advice is to
A put up with it
B make a stand - either verbally or by your actions ( e.g. striking)
C leave the bastard

There is nothing more anyone can say apart from tactics for choice b or c

Momsnatter · 14/11/2012 22:38

Any yes, I think so. As he does for me - just not in the housework department.

Pilgit · 14/11/2012 22:38

My DH went through a phase of this. I told him that if wanted a mother to go back and live with her and that being treated like his mother was deeply unsexy as I didn't really feel like screwing my son. I then withheld sex or sexual contact. He sorted himself out very quickly. In fairness he wasn't usually like this and was in a bit of a bad place so giving him that kind of jolt worked wonders. This wasn't about trading sex, before any one misinterprets, but about being treated like a partner in life rather than his parent.

Pilgit · 14/11/2012 22:45

sorry meant to add, I can understand why you're irritated both with DH and the suggestions.

AnyFucker · 14/11/2012 22:46

moms so what would he say if you said the one area you wanted him to please you in (bearing in mind he loves you and wants to make you happy, like you do for him) was the "housework dept" ?

the way you say "housework dept" says it all, if you think about it

like it's a whole area that is nothing to do with him

that isn't right, and it isn't fair

Momsnatter · 14/11/2012 22:57

Any hmm not sure. I think if I made it clear it was really important to me he'd do it for a couple of weeks without me having to say anything and then it would tail off and i'd have to start reminding him again.
I think you're over thinking the wording though.

Cahoots · 14/11/2012 22:58

Mmm I think this thread is backfiring on the OP, who is not BU at all.

If there was an easy solution I am sure that the OP would have worked it out already.

and for the OP

AnyFucker · 14/11/2012 23:05

moms I'm not overthinking anything, IMO. I guess it bothers some women more than others that they are expected to do all the shitwork, and have less leisure time than their partner simply because he possesses a cock. That is not meant to be a dig, btw, it's what we are talking about as the bottom line isn't it ?

abbierhodes · 14/11/2012 23:12

I certainly would leave someone who treated me with such disrespect. In fact, as a poster above says, I wouldn't have married him in the first place.

It's not about 'not seeing the mess' it's about expecting someone else to pick up after you as though you're their maid.

And Helennn 'if push came to shove I think the hobby would win' -just...wow. How low must your self esteem be to want to be in a relationship like that?

hiddenhome · 14/11/2012 23:17

I really do feel your pain because I'm in a similiar position. If I didn't clean up, dh would just ignore it anyway, so it would achieve nothing apart from a dirty place that I'd have to clean up anyway in the end

These men just don't understand that things would be a lot better for them if they just mucked in a bit more. Lazy feckers

Momsnatter · 14/11/2012 23:22

I'd say he has less leisure time than me. Anyway i'll leave it now as i've hijacked the thread. OP hope you come to an agreement with your OH

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/11/2012 23:35

"I keep hearing 'I wouldn't stand for that' as if I am chosing it and don't mind"
But you are effectively choosing it by remaining in the relationship ...

closerthanmost · 14/11/2012 23:43

I'm the messy one in our relationship, DH is always clearing things up literally as soon as it's finished with, I've always been much more laid back about clutter. I don't expect him to clean up after me, I'm just happy enough for it to be left but as it's him who can't tolerate mess then I don't feel pressured to constantly tidy up all the time. I was happy enough living that way before we lived together and I don't think I should be forced to change my habits just because of DH's preferences really.

So I think if it is something that bothers you rather than him, imo the responsibility does fall on you since he's not really asking you to do the housework.

Pandemoniaa · 14/11/2012 23:48

Would people genuinely leave over this. i mean really - even if you have kids?

Eventually, yes, some people would leave. My ex-h was similar and I honestly believe that he thought that I'd simply put up with his disinterest in helping around the house or with the dcs. That and his need to fit us around pub opening times. I tried any number of tactics from reason to strike action but nothing had any impact because, tbh, I think he'd happily have lived in a pig sty provided it had ready access to real ale.

I also think he was labouring under the misapprehension that he had other, irresistible qualities but in fact, his disinterest in taking any responsibility at home completely undermined such positive aspects as there had originally been in our relationship. I left when the dcs were 6 and 5 and II don't regret it for one moment.

I don't know whether your DP has any redeeming qualities, OP but I would say that after 7 years, you are unlikely to change his attitude.

SomersetONeil · 15/11/2012 00:16

Well, according to a load of people on the Asda Christmas advert thread, you should constantly be on the receiving end of a warm, satisfied glow from doing everything and not expecting anyone else in the house to lift a finger to help.

You're not, though, are you?

In fact, you're resentful as hell. Ask him how he expects you to have one iota of attraction for him, when he regards you as nothing more than a skivvy. Tell him that every single day this happens, your resentment builds up and up, and you love him and fancy him a little bit less.

AnnieLobeseder · 15/11/2012 00:21

Someone asked if I would leave over this. YES, ABSOLUTELY.

Firstly, because it would mean my DH had absolutely no respect for me and saw me only as his domestic help. How could I love and respect a man with no respect for me?

And secondly, because staying would it teach my daughters that is is normal and acceptable for a man to treat a woman this way, and normal and acceptable for a woman to accept it as her lot. And it isn't.

^^this

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/11/2012 00:38

I would also leave over this. Not the housework but the lack of respect, lack of teamwork, bad message to my DD, grinding down of my 'self'. It's not the dishes.

sashh · 15/11/2012 05:32

Get a cleaner.

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 15/11/2012 06:05

I feel for you OP and echo Momsnetfer. It's not easy to leave a relationship either or necessarily to afford a cleaner.
You'll have told him 1000 times and sat down and discussed it, if he's anything like mine, he'll agree with me, be quite amazed that he is slovenly and say he'll do more - but nothing changes. If like me, you hate nagging, you just get on with it for a quiet life. It's not right at all, but when you've tried everything... Good luck OP, you're not going to get anymore joy from this thread than you do in RL, as people see it's not right and try and help by offering advice, ( I feel better reading your thread knowing I'm not the only one in this situation), tea, sympathy and cake for you.

RawShark · 15/11/2012 06:23

OP - sounds like it's not just housework TBH, its the little responsibility for anything that concerns me.

But I hate it when people say "I wouldn't stand for that" because they don't know everything about a relationship .

SO I shall just offer you a

HecatePropylaea · 15/11/2012 06:37

Well, in the nicest possible way - you are making a choice. You are choosing between a range of shitty options. It would be great if choices were horrible thing v great thing. But often they're horrible thing number 1 v horrible thing number 2 . such is life. you just have to choose which horrible thing you're going to go for

One of your choices is to pack a bag and leave. Give him a massive shock and hope that he realises just how strongly you feel about it. This is not the same as leaving the relationship. He just has to think it is. You may call it 'games', I call it a clear demonstration of strength of feeling

Another choice is to stay on strike. Cook for yourself, wash up only what you need, when you need it. Do nothing else. Accept that this means you live in a pigsty.

Yet another choice is to hire a cleaner to come in every day. (this may only be a choice if you have the money!)

One more choice is to throw away anything left on the floor. so clothes etc. In the bin.

Another choice is to not to his ironing and just leave it in a heap.

Buy cards and gifts for your relatives but not for his. Make sure they know that he really couldn't be arsed. (a variation on this would be to buy them something and sign it from you alone.)

Don't be his calendar. If he expects you to remind him when things are happening - don't.

don't be his clock. If he won't get up - leave him to sleep.

Whatever you do though, it has to hurt him and not you. So not doing any ironing - you're going to cave in. Just don't do HIS and if you can ignore the pile of his clothes in the corner of the room, you can keep that up for the rest of your life.

Not doing any dishes - if you don't do any, then as you've discovered, you soon have nothing to eat from. If when you want to eat (the single meal that you are cooking for you, because of course, you aren't cooking for him any more!) you wash the single plate, knife and fork you need and the pots you need to cook with, and leave everything else - again - hits him but you get to eat.

you say he won't take any responsibility for anything. Why is this? Is it because all things household are, he feels, your job? Is it because he is childish? Is it because he lacks confidence? Is it because he's a lazy arse who thinks you're there to service him.

Knowing WHY he behaves the way he does is the key to change.

One thing is as sure as hell though - if you carry on with your life the way it is now, you will grow to loathe him. He needs to understand this.

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