To put the scarf back on my head due to family pressure? I can't take this.

[NoScarfOnMyHead]

You most prob remember me. For the last few weeks dh has had a few pains in his chest area and been struggling to get a good lungful of air. After a trip to A&E and an ECG and x ray, as well as trip to doctors to test breathing etc, he has been declared asthma free and heart attack free. Perhaps a bit of work anxiety or the. Fact he has just started playing football again after not doing it for so many years/poor diet etc. anyway just got a text from mil. Implying that his chest pains are a result of my decision to remove my headscarf. She also said maybe he's too afraid to tell me...(dont know what kind of relationship she thinks we have) but has asked me to "think about it please". I may as well just fucking put the cloth back on my head to shut everyone up mightn't I???? Really upset and quite frankly doubting every inch of myself.

[nailak]

noscarf I am a Muslim, I believe in the way of ahl sunnah wa jammah, the majority, and the majority find hijab to be fardh,

However I do not think you should wear it, even to keep the peace. It is your decision. It is between you and Allah. Whatever you do in your life, don't do it to please other people, do it for yourself and your akhirah.

Obviously you should be good to your in laws, and respect them etc, but that doesn't mean they get to dictate your actions and your dress to you.

Everyone will face tests in life, wearing a scarf is irrelevant to that.

Don't do anything you are not comfortable to keep the peace, otherwise things will escalate.

[chipmonkey]

NoScarf, you don't want to wear the scarf so don't wear it. Your MIL is being ridiculous and using emotional blackmail to try to get you to change your mind. If your own conscience tells you it's fine to do without it, then who is anyone else to tell you what to do. Be strong!

[CaptainVonTrapp]

Don't. Give her an inch and she'll take a mile.

[Conflugenglugen]

Then, NoScarf, that's the truth for you.

From my own perspective, I think the true mark of being an adult is following your bliss - and by that I mean what is deeply meaningful to you - in spite of all opposition. Camus had it down pat with the last line of L'Etranger, in my opinion. Only now that I'm older do I understand what he was saying.

[fairyqueen]

Going back to the OP, rather than the general headscarf issue, if the headscarf were the cause of your DP's stress(which it probably isn't anyway), surely the stress comes from his DM's reaction to the OP not wearing it, not from the OP's decision directly. Therefore the stress is still not your fault, but hers, IYSWIM. I don't suggest you say this to her, as I'm sure it won't help, but it's another way of looking at it. If he is comfortable with your decision then you haven't caused the stress.

[NoScarfOnMyHead]

This is the thing. I believe there is evidence both for and against headscarf. I believe there is a difference between covering normal apparent beauty such as face and/or hair, and covering those obviously sexual parts which could cause fitnah e.g bum boobs hips thighs and bare legs and arms. To themuslims in particular, you don't think I'm a bad person do you? It's apathetic question I know but I love islam and feel I am still totally decent being covered all over bar my head.subhanallah :(. Just wanna cry. I'm strong in the belief it's not neccessary but when everyone starts on at me I can't help questioning myself. They are all driving me mad.

[SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR]

In general, it's more important to be a good, kind, trustworthy person than to wear or not wear any particular item of clothing.

And I really can't see how anyone who insists that other people wear certain items of clothing is being a particularly good or kind person.

[Xales]

If you are wearing it to keep the peace and to make MIL STFU you are wearing it for the wrong reasons and wearing it is meaningless.

[AngryBeaver]

If they love you, they will accept your decision.
My dh's family had a very hard time accepting our relationship.(Them deeply religious Irish Catholics, me, English proddy from broken home!)
Their community and other family members frowned upon it. But, in the end my charm and wit won them over they realised that they couldn't influence someone elses decisions and life choices just by voicing their dissaproval. Sometimes people act like spoilt children to get their own way. Don't give in to them!

[SilverSixpence]

Of course you aren't a bad person! I don't think anyone here is saying that. Another thing to bear in mind is that you will be judged by your intentions, and if you put the scarf on because you want to keep the peace it's not going to count in any case. That might help you to make peace with your decision.

[NoScarfOnMyHead]

All of you have been an enormous help and I feel strong within my personal belief. Will update inshallah. Thank you all, whatever belief you may be of xxx

[GothAnneGeddes]

Another hijab wearing Muslim here.

Of course you are not a bad person!

I also despair of the "Hijab as the 6th pillar of Islam" attitude of some.

Hijab should always be a choice, you've chosen not to wear it, anyone else can butt out.

And you MIL is vile for laying that kind of crap on you. It is not for her to speculate about qadr Allah, also why would Allah punish your husband for anything you've done, that's not how it works.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

OP, put aside the wider debate about headscarfs. (Because that's not really what this is about, in my opinion.)

You have made a considered decision about how you live your life. Your MIL disagrees with your decision, and is not shy about voicing her disagreement. She even claims that your decision is responsible for making your husband ill (despite lack of exercise/poor diet being a far more likely candidate).

Well, to me it just looks like your MIL is being rather egotistical; she wants to be the Queen Bee and for you to do what she tells you. Nothing to do with religion, such women exist everywhere. Your choosing to do something differently to her is not seen as you choosing to do something for your own reasons; no, no, no, it is instead seen as a criticism of how she does it! Because, in her eyes, the world revolves around her and everything you do is all about her.

If it were not the headscarf, it would be something else. How you clean the bath, or what shops you use. Something. Anything.

Be aware that if you do knuckle under and wear headscarfs again, that will not be the end of it. Any other signs of difference will be picked up and criticised until you fall into line. After all (she will reason), it worked over the headscarf, didn't it?

Do you really want to make that rod for your back?

Oh, and as for her equally vocal friend - I think you said her daughters do not wear the headscarf? Take a leaf out of their book, and ignore the pair of them. You are the boss of you, nobody else.

[midseasonsale]

can you text back 'would you like DH to ring and go over things a second time with you? You seem a bit confused'

[MurderOfGoths]

I think sgb summed it up really well with this
"In general, it's more important to be a good, kind, trustworthy person than to wear or not wear any particular item of clothing.

And I really can't see how anyone who insists that other people wear certain items of clothing is being a particularly good or kind person."

You have your own reasons for not wearing it, it doesn't reflect badly on you. Your MIL's reaction does reflect badly on her though.

[MurderOfGoths]

I also assume you MIL hasn't thought quite so deeply about why she does wear the scarf?

[AdoraJingleBells]

The doctor did not suggest that DH's chest pains were due to you having decided to stop wearing the head scarf, therefore his pains are not due to your decision.

Don't bow to this pressure. You need to do what is right for you or you will never feel comfortable being yourself. That would lead to a variety of issues. You need to be happy, and you have already identified that wearing the headscarf prevented this, as identified in your previous threads. Your DH is supporting your choice and you don't need his family's approval.

[sashh]

Don't do it.

You made your descidion, if I remeber rightly you did a lot of reading and praying first.

Your husband's symptoms are most likly to be because he has taken up football again.

I did have a smirk at your MIL though - maybe that's why parts of Scotland have shorter life expectancy and more heart disease. Nothing to do with fried mars bar, all to do with not enough headscarves.

[Fairylea]

Don't do it.

If she is that narrow minded then think of it as doing the world and your religion a favour by demonstrating to her the different ways people are now able to follow your faith.

Do NOT give in to her.

[NoScarfOnMyHead]

I am not going to see her today, purposefully. I sent her a text back thanking her for her concern, and that hubs was supporting me, and said I would see her on Thursday. She wears the headscarf because from what she has been taught in life by other people, that's how to be more religious. In a way, because of her own severe lack of knowledge about islam and because she doesn't seek knowledge for herself, there is no point going through it. There was never much point in even telling her and explaining to her all my evidence and reasons for doing so. With regards to her friend, she watches a ton of Islamic tv which is fine, but only airs the views of the majority, hence her opposing my decision. I'm both shocked and amazed at people's reactions and immediate judgement on my decision, and I seriously feel like I need to write a book about it!! Lol

[diddl]

"Implying that his chest pains are a result of my decision to remove my headscarf."

That´s so ridiculous that it doesn´t even deserve a response!

I think you should do what you feel is right for you-as she does.

I find it very intolerant that they cannot accept your decision & wish to force you to comply with what they want.

[NoScarfOnMyHead]

Hubs said he's going to speak to her. He is v calm when he says things like this but I know he will tell her in no uncertain terms to back off. Feel good about that but not good about having to see her every week. I'm used to going round there soon as I drop off ds to nursery but I'll now be limiting that to 3 days per week out of the 5.

[NoScarfOnMyHead]

Anyone else who knows someone that never says things to their face but will either talk behind their back or send a text message?

[Chopstheduck]

I'd def cut down the visits a bit, and gain a bit of distance.

I have in laws like this, (hindu not muslim though) and we just backed off altogether, and I think they are starting to realise that we do find the pressure a bit much and they do have to respect that we do have different feelings on things.

My in laws are a bit like yours. As bad things have happened, they've become increasingly religious because they think if they don't do xyz then something else bad is going to happen. I can really sympathise will you having to deal with that train of thought! I also think you aren't going to change her feelings, so a bit of space might make her realise that she does have to respect your views on matters too.

I wouldn't do things just to keep the peace, as I've found from experience that they just demand more and more.

[NoScarfOnMyHead]

No wonder some are of the view that religion is backward. There's no critical thinking anymore, just following what religious clergy say without any questioning or interpretation on the part of the individual. I hope if I do back off a bit, mil will understand she needs to respect my decision. I still cannot believe the fact that even though I'm extremely practising, I'm suddenly being ostracised literally over a piece of cloth on my head.