to consider this in our circumstances?

[MikeOxard]

I am considering a tummy tuck. DS is 4 months and I got massive with him, I had excess amniotic fluid, plus he was big so I ended up with an emergency c-section when he couldn't come out. I put on 4 stone in the pregnancy which I have now lost and am a size 8 again, but my stomach just looks horrendous. It is really wrinkly and there is so much skin just hanging down. There is no way this amount of skin will shrink back before anyone suggests that might happen, there is just massively too much skin there. This didn't happen with my first dc.

I feel really awful about it. I can't stand dh touching me or even hinting about having sex - it makes me cry every time. We used to be very close and have a great sex life. I know dh is desperate for a physical relationship again (so am I, I just can't!), but I imagine that if we started having sex, he would very quickly lose his erection because he'd be so disgusted with himself for shagging something so gross. :( I can't shake that thought and it makes me cry. I am on anti-depressants which have helped I think - I still think/feel the same but I am more able to put it out of my mind now, so I only cry when the subject comes up, not all the time anymore.

I had a consultation and was advised I am ideal for surgery as I have loads of skin and not much fat. However it would cost £5,000. Dh says he understands and we can do this if I chose to, but it would mean me going back to work earlier. I love my dc and want to spend as much time as possible with them, especially as baby ds is my last baby. Is it mad to leave him a few months earlier than I have to, just for this? I want to see if we can get a mortgage holiday for 6 months, which would allow me to pay for the surgery and stay on mat leave, but dh won't entertain the idea in case one of us loses our job or an emergency happens and we need it but have used it up. So AIBU/WWYD?

[MikeOxard]

Thank you for your thoughts and advice everyone, I am really trying to take it on board. If I am honest with myself I know if I had the money in the bank I would probably have it done yesterday, but since that isn't an option anyway I will try to stop thinking 'how could I get this done ASAP?' and try to think of it as a problem that is resolvable in due course. It would be silly to have it done before being physically ready after pregnancy c-section anyway. The surgeon didn't mention this being a possible issue but as suggested upthread, the bloke has a living to make! I think I will talk to a couple more surgeons too, and make sure I have thought of everything and am comfortable with the person performing the op. Thanks all.

[cory]

Another voice for giving it another year before you make a decision on this one:

Your body needs more time to recover from one lot of surgery before you embark on the next and any reputable surgeon would tell you so (the fact that this one doesn't is a red flag imo).

You have no means of knowing how your body will change naturally in a year, as you recover and baby gets more active- it takes most people more than 4 months to get back to where they were.

It can also take a long time for the sex drive to recover; I wouldn't base any decisions on that.

This is a year in which your baby will need a lot of help, lifting, carrying, constant attention. If you are going to put yourself in a position where you are helpless and risk becoming ill for a long time at least wait until he is a bit older.

Your hormones are still all over the place from the birth and you are being treated for depression- this is not a time to make decisions that could affect your whole life, not to mention the life of your baby. And again, a surgeon who recommends a non-vital operation for somebody being treated for PND is a big red flag in my book.

If you have those extra months at home with the baby you could spend part of them on activities that make you healthier.

Your body issues won't necessarily go away with the tummy tuck: again, the surgeon should be recommending counselling first and then (possibly) the tummy tuck.

Take that year- and at the end of it, if you need to, find yourself a different kind of surgeon.

[procrastinor]

OP I would wait. And I say that as someone who has worked for some incredible surgeons who do this op and who taught me to do it (under supervision - I wouldn't feel confident doing one solo). It's a big op, bigger than I expected it to be.

It may be that your skin won't go back, mine won't but it did improve with time. If you have it now your skin elasticity may improve and then you would be left with an overtight tuck. Also I have to agree that no reputable surgeon would agree to it so soon after birth and whilst you're still early days on in treatment for PND. It's a disaster waiting to happen.

Give yourself one year. Start saving now. But also look into the funding criteria for plastic surgery in your area. Abdominiplasties are done for mental health as well but it depends on your PCT. I would go for a surgeon who works in a well respected plastics unit that does high volume tummy tucks on the NHS, not a surgeon who supplements his income by working in a factory production line plastic surgery company.

Depending on where you are I know the names if some excellent surgeons who would do the right thing by you as a person, not as an income potential. And they wouldn't operate at the moment.

[FobblyWoof]

OP I can safely say that every mum I've met in RL felt absolutely shit about themselves for a good long period of time, each of them with various body shapes after child birth. I'm not trying to downplay how you feel, quite the opposite.

I remember becoming obsessed with the way I looked post birth when it had never bothered me before (despite being big). Sure, you might have a lot of skin, and it might not all go away but I definitely think you need to do all you can on your own before you consider surgery. Even just losing a bit of it may give you a confidence boost.

[midori1999]

I have had a tummy tuck, (also a couple of other cosmetic procedures) so I am not against 'cosmetic' surgery in any way, but I really think that a) it is far too soon after having a baby to be thinking about this and b) if you have PND you shouldn't even be considering surgery until that is sorted and IMO any decent surgeon would tell you the same thing too.

[Morloth]

Give it at least a year.

At least.

And get your head sorted out first, because the thoughts of your DH being disgusted are not normal and you do need to do something about that before you get the knives out. He loves you, and if he is a good man he will love you no matter what you look like.

I can guarantee I have been far more unattractive than you are right now. I went from a size 24 down to a size 10 over a couple of years, there was a LOT of extra skin. You can exercise a lot of it away, but I still have wobbly bits. High protein/Weight training is good for this BTW.

I decided that I wasn't willing to take any risks for the sake of skin, but I can understand why you feel differently.

But don't do it yet, just don't, it is far too soon after the birth and any surgeon who would do it is a cowboy and not to be trusted.

Get your head sorted out before you get your tummy sorted out. It might still be the best idea (excess skin can cause actual physical problems), but you might find that once you have your head sorted, your tummy kinda takes care of itself.

[maddening]

Oh and corsets can be very sexy whilst covering your tummy

[maddening]

Ps think about the recovery too while looking after a young baby - a lot less lifting when they're a bit older.

[maddening]

I would take the time as suggested by pps and in the meantime continue to work on the tummy muscles and look at skin nourishing treatments - e.g. vit E oil etc - see it as preparing for the treatment as stronger tummy muscles and healthier skin will likely help the outcome of your surgery. Also counseling for this and your pnd can only help you.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

OP - I've had 2 sections, 2.5 years apart. After 4 months you have no idea what your tummy will do, no idea at all.

You need to stick with the exercise, and give your body time to heal. And perhaps consider whether gaining 3-4lbs might give your tummy a smoother shape.

You sound all over the place mentally and emotionally. Have you had counselling for your birth? An EMCS can be very traumatic - I know, I had one. It took me over 18 months to come to terms fully with what had happened and be well again. If you had asked me at 4 months postpartum I would have told you I was fine about everything, because I genuinely thought I was, but I would have been wrong.

[gordyslovesheep]

only have a TT is you are never having more kids - it will just go back to how it is

I think you lost waaaaay too much weight too quickly - which wont have given your skin chance to shrink back

give it a year and see

in the mean time get some help with your self esteem and self image xxxx

[ihavenofuckingclue]

The exersize/personal trainer thing - I have done some exersize. My tummy muscles are separated so I have to do certain types of excersize, but apart from the skin hanging down, my tummy is basically flat now, so excersizing won't help much.

Honestly its doing 'some exercise and having a flat tummy means nothing. I had a 'flat tummy' for 8 years and i accepted it never would but what my pt has made a huge difference. My mum had thought I had lost loads of weight and I had list about 3 lbs.

it takes a professional to show you exactly want to do. Its only been four months, you can't say exercise won't work.

[Dogsmom]

I only know of one person who had a tummy tuck and she regretted it, she imagined her stomach would look like it did pre-children but it didn't, the skin was still crepey and it had an extra scar. She really wishes she hadn't spent the cash.

If you do decide to go for it make sure you are fully aware of what it will REALLY look like afterwards.

[amarylisnightandday]

Agree about waiting a while and getting a few surgeons opinions.
Plus what are your plans for more dc?

[StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes]

disgusted with himself for shagging something so gross the way you refer to yourself here is not great tbh, its clearly a self esteem issue, if you loved yourself you would say 'what the heck' and just get on with it. having said that i have self esteem issues cos I am fat but when I moan to DH he says that I am actually putting him down by saying things like what does he see in me, he could do better etc, he is luffly and he says he loves me whatever which helps cos if he fancies me then I can't be that bad! if he WAS disgusted in you he would not want to shag you.... learn to love yourself and be proud of your body, it gave you something precious.

[Ahardyfool]

It is my belief that deep seated body issues go beyond vanity. I agree that a degree of consideration needs to be given to the level of personal and familial sacrifice that would be made if the OP was to go ahead with the operation, but I very much doubt that vanity alone is the issue here.

For exactly that reason, surgery alone is unlikely to be the single solution.

And what is vanity anyway if it is not a degree of self dislike or even loathing that often leads an individual to attempt every possible procedure available to them in pursuit of achieving an exterior persona they deem acceptable to others?

[Pinkforever]

Op are ypu prepared to leave your child motherless for the sake of your vanity? really? because thats what this amounts too.

My mum had a tummy tuck on the nhs after years of nagging her gp-she sounded exactly like you-very slim but with wrinkly skin and an overhang. Instead of referring my mum for counselling for her confidence/body issues-my mum thinks anyone over a size 10 is obese btw-the gp agreed to the surgery.

My mum very nearly died. She got a massive infection and blood blot and couldnt move off the sofa for a year. My sisters and I were nearly orphans and I had to take over the mothering of my youngest sister who was only young at the time.

I will never forgive my mum for being so selfish-oh and btw my mum is now fatter than she has ever been-a 16-but with a flat stomach and a massive scar. Think on......

[WhoNickedMyName]

Well I say go for it... But wait another 6 months, see three different surgeons, research your surgeon, make sure they are reputable and have good follow up procedures.

I believe you when you say no amount of exercise will get rid of it.

And whoever said if the NHS won't do it then it's not necessary surgery (or words to that effect), that's rubbish. I work for the NHS and it's pure postcode lottery. The OP would get this surgery in my area for the emotional and psychological distress it causes her and the way it affects her life/relationship and psychiatric wellbeing. Albeit she'd go on a waiting list for ever but she would get it eventually.

OP I'm on my phone and can't do links but look up the NICE guidelines for plastic surgery and get back to your GP. No harm in trying to get on an NHS waiting list in the meantime.

[Ahardyfool]

I had this problem after Dd was born 12 years ago. I've been divorced, dating an in long term relationships since and gone on to have more children which has obviously done little for my personal aesthetics. I will never be able to afford a tuck - not unless I inherit thousands before everything bodily is fucked anyway.

My point is, I totally understand how horrible it feels, but you CAN find the sense of self required to look beyond this. Once you do, others will too. I say this as an not otherwise unattractive woman myself so it's not like I'm past caring. I'd look bloody good for my age if it weren't for stretch marks and dangly skin.

This doesn't have to affect your whole sense of attractiveness. And, waiting 12 months or so will give you the opportunity to feel good mentally as well as physically and the op will then be the icing on the cake.

[RevoltingPeasant]

Oh OP I have not had children yet but I have had serious body hatred issues and it is shit. I think everyone else is right: you need more time. Look, can you shag in a loose tshirt or with the lights off so you don't need to worry about DH seeing anything? Then get a personal trainer and/ or go to a small group pilates class and promise yourself that if you still feel like this in a year, you'll start to look at the surgery again. Then you know it's not off the cards, you're just postponing it a bit.

I think things will probably look different in a year, but if they don't, it's not such a big amount of time to wait.

[StuntGirl]

Yy sooty.

[ilovesooty]

I don't think any reputable surgeon should consider your request for surgery until you've had counselling. I think the very fact that you can't see why you need to give this time indicates that surgery now would be a bad idea.

[MikeOxard]

The exersize/personal trainer thing - I have done some exersize. My tummy muscles are separated so I have to do certain types of excersize, but apart from the skin hanging down, my tummy is basically flat now, so excersizing won't help much.

Lingerie - I bought a nightie that seemed flattering, but I can't face putting it on because it doesn't look great on and anyway I feel like a pig with an apple in its mouth, you know just dressed up for something. It makes me feel like something is expected to happen if I wear it and I just get upset before I've even started. I also got a corset that makes a lovely shape under clothes, but in just the corset the skin hangs down below the bottom of the corset, which makes me feel horrible. :(

[amarylisnightandday]

And....I can't tell you if they work as I got pg again but I hear good things about tissue salts too for stretch marks etc -you can get them in holland and narrative and they are cheap as chips. I will be back in them post baby too.