Holidays with grandparents.

[DinosaursOnASpaceship]

Ds3 is 16 months old.

Exp was round yesterday and mentioned that his parents had been talking about taking ds3 away on holiday but didn't think I would let them.

Ds3 has never stayed away over night, he still sleeps in bed with me and is an awful sleeper. But, he will need to stay with his grandparents over night when I am in hospital having ds4, so I was thinking that even though I would hate it and miss him, that as soon as I'd got him to settle in a bed of his own then he should start having the occassional sleepover to get him used to it. He would probably really enjoy it.

So I said to exp that once he was used to staying over, then I was sure he would love a couple of nights away by the sea. I was thinking next summer, a long weekend in Wales/Devon/Uk when he was 2 and old enough to understand that he would be coming home. Plus, by then I would be grateful of the break as I would have a 6 month old baby too.

But, nope. They are thinking 10 nights in Spain or Greece. Which made me just give an immediate No. Exp says its nearer in travelling time that a lot of the UK only 2/3 hours by plane. Grandparents were thinking of sometime in the next few months, and offered to pay for exp to go too if that would make me feel more confortable. But it's still a No from me as abroad is just to far away, for to long.

I know I am precious with ds3, he's my baby and ad I've been on my own with him for half his life im very close to him. I'm the only person who has every put him to bed, got up in the night with him, etc. I'm sure ds3 would have a great time, it's more about me being uncomfortable with him being away.

There is no one I trust more to look after him that exes parents. They treat him like he is the most important person in the world, they adore him and him them. They are the only people who have ever looked after him for me, so it's not because they are my exes family that I'm not allowing him to go, they can't stand me but are civil and polite as the value their relationship with ds above everything else. I wouldn't let him go with my patents either.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but would you let your toddler go away on holiday?

[skaen]

If you are unreasonable, I'm much more so! My parents live with me and DH do the DCs see them every day. I know they have a great relationship and know my mum brought up my and my siblings BUT... Mum has been talking about taking DD(5) away with her for a week in Spain next summer. I really want to say 'yes' but actually feel very anxious and uncomfortable about it.

[cornflowers]

Why was ex MIL distraught when she found out you were pregnant?

I would definitely say no (calmly and firmly) to the Greek jaunt. I think it's pretty unreasonable for them to suggest it, especially as ds has never even spent the night at their house.

[thegreylady]

To put it in perspective a bit my dd and her dh have 2 wonderful boys aged 6 and 3.I look after them regularly and have done so since they were 6 months old.The longest either has been away from parents is overnight either with me or other gran.
Your baby is far far too little to be away for more than 2 or three nights.

[attheendoftheday]

I wouldn't agree to that. I think it's far too long to be away from his main caregiver.

[DinosaursOnASpaceship]

I'm 28 weeks pregnant at the moment so if they were to go abroad in the next 2-3 months (which is what they are hoping for) then I doubt I would be allowed to fly if there was a problem. I'm sure it would all be fine and I know they would keep him safe etc but the what ifs play on my mind plane crashes, terrorists, weather, diseases, zombie attacks, and many more

I do 'share' (not a fan of that phrase as it makes ds sound like a possession but you know what I mean) ds the best I can - I have residency of him and although contact isn't court ordered, as we declined cafcass intervention, our solicitors came up with an agreement of Sunday afternoons for contact, but, ex sees ds every day for a couple of hours after work at my house, takes him for dinner with his parents two evenings a week, has free access to him on Saturdays and Sunday's so takes him to his parents and they go for days out etc. I can't be any fairer, I've never said no to any texts from his grandparents or relatives asking to spend time with him and if it's a family event when they will be out late but want ds to go then I take him along and bring him back at bedtime so they don't have to leave the party etc. I can see problems with this in the future (Christmas for example) but he is as much exes child as mine and I want them to have a close relationship.

It might sound like exmil is over the top with her requests to see ds but she is very careful not to make it so I feel she is taking over. I tend to sit back when we are with them and let them get on with it, I don't interferre with what they're doing, her judgement when it comes to him is sound. I pretend not to notice when she is sneaking him sweets or letting him get messy, but she is always aware that I'm his mum and doesn't undermine me if I've told him no for any reason etc. So it's a nice balance,

I've sent her a text asking if they would like my spare travel cot so ds can stay over sometime, she will know its my way of making an effort.

[Zalen]

Correct me if I'm wrong but I think they're asking for 10 days overseas in the next 2-3 months when they've never had your DS3 overnight before. To me that's much too much, much too young and just asking for trouble.

It may be fine but if not it will be a complete disaster. It may be possible that you could get to them in 12 hours if anything goes amiss but to a 16 month old in severe distress because his mother isn't there 12 hours will be a very very long time. Also I gather the OP is pregnant, getting to them in a hurry if anything does go awry is not going to be a trivial affair.

Start slow and local, work up to longer times, further distances, by next year you may be happy, or at least willing, to let them take him overseas for a short holiday. Go at a pace you're happy with, you have to push your boundaries (otherwise we'd never let them out of our sight,) but there's no need to ride roughshod over them imho.

[cantspel]

They are talking about going next year not next week so plenty of time to get him used to being away from you.
You could start by long days with them , then overnight and then for the weekend. I think it is a shame that you dont want to share your son with his extended family. These people love him, want to spend time with him and build their own relationship with him.

They seem to be doing everything in their power to put your mind at rest and make it as easy as possible for you to trust them so unless they have done something that you have not so far included in your op why do you think you cannot trust them with your son?

Maybe it is time for you do unbend and if you cant bring yourself to let go for 10 days could you manage a week? remember these people love your child and want to enrich his life not take him away from you.

[cashmerewebsandspidersheads]

YANBU I let DS stay away overnight for the 1st time at about 26 months for 1 night. I didn't really want to but was under pressure and it was fine. He had really good communication skills and I felt that I could explain what was going to happen (packed bag with fave books, toys and pjs and talked about what he might have for breakfast).
Over the last 9 months he's stayed for single nights a further 4-5 times and only now am I beginning to enjoy the break.
DS does enjoy it but I think he would find several nights upsetting. It's a long time in a little ones life.
I envisage leaving him for a few nights at 4-5 years when he'd have a better understanding of time.

[GooseyLoosey]

I think it is too long, too young, Great to take him away for a few days, but 10 days is too much. Can you just ring them and explain this to them and say that you would love to work up to something longer, but as a starting point it is too much.

Next summer, my dcs will be 10 and 8 - they will be going away with their GPs for a week and will love it but I don't think they would have done when they were very young. They would have missed us too much.

[2rebecca]

Just realised he isn't 3 but 16 months, think I misread DS3 as DS age 3. No way at that age. They can whine all they want. They aren't his parents and sound as though they need to stop obsessing about him as much and get on with their own lives.

[2rebecca]

I find the idea of your exinlaws demanding you take your son to their place of work to show him off rather weird. That trip can't possibly have been for his benefit and I'm sure to the work colleagues one 3 year old is much like another.
They sound overinvolved in his life, maybe because their son isn't stepping up to his role as a father properly and you are busy with other kids.
I would never have wanted any of my kids' grandparents seeing them 4 times a week. I presume that suits you though.
If it makes you uncomfortable say no, or say maximum 1 week within the UK . If his father asked and was going then I'd say yes.

[Nanny0gg]

jamdonut you know the GPs and your children, so your decision is valid.
Everyone brings their own situation to the table and for some it just wouldn't be comfortable.
My DD couldn't be apart from her children for one night. That doesn't make her a better or worse parent, it's just a different situation.

[2rebecca]

My kids started going away with their grandparents when about 7 or 8 and that was only in UK and nearby so they could be brought back if problems and initially just the eldest child as easier to manage 1. Taking a pre-schooler abroad wouldn't have happened, I was never that desperate to get rid of them.
I don't think your protective of your 3 year old. A holiday with grandparents is completely different to your older kids going away with their father.
Tell them to wait until he has been at school a while and to enjoy child free holidays until then.

[jamdonut]

Crumbs... you all make feel so bad for allowing my children to do this when young! Not abroad, granted, but I would have let them go if the GP's asked.
Of course it feels weird, and makes you anxious, but you get over it! I saw it as a fantastic oppurtunity for them.

[gordyslovesheep]

I wouldn't be happy with that - I don't like it when my girls dad takes them away for a week !

I have just started 'letting' my mum have my 3 for a few days in the holidays (I am in the Midlands - she is in Liverpool) - I was fine with the big two going but little one (almost 4) only started visiting this summer

16mths is a bit young to be away for that long - for ME personally - not judging anyone else !

[Nanny0gg]

I see my DGC all the time, and they adore their GF too.
No way would I have them for that time abroad without their parents. However much they love us I know they would miss their mum and dad. (My youngest is a similar age to your DS3).
Overnights is fine, and then a long weekend away perhaps. But a first flightand away for such a long time is a big ask of a little one.
YANBU

[Procrasstinator]

My parents take mine every year for a week, from age 1. First went abroad age 3 I think.

I was nervous first time abroad, but the kids love it.

It's totally up to you, but it'd be great for your SD, if you can bring yourself to let him go?

Can't they try this country first? They travelling time isn't really the point is it. You can't just get another plane ticket to come home if he hates it.

[mumto2andnomore]

They sound lovely but to go from not having him overnight to 10 days away is too much too soon. I'm sure they would understand if you said you would rather build up to that gradually.

[cupcake78]

10 nights in a foreign country away from mum at that age is not on! 2nights away in this country is long enough

[DinosaursOnASpaceship]

Ex made me laugh last night as he said he had assumed he was invited along only to realise that he could go if he wanted to but wasn't automatically invited - I think they were assuming he would want to spend time with his newborn.

I think I would be more comfortable if ex wasn't going - he's a big drinker and would soon get fed up with putting ds3 first and having early nights etc. He would also start the "my child my rules" speech that he likes to give his parents. When infact, his parents have the right idea and ex is usually way off. So he would undermine them (which of course he has every right to do as ds3s father) and there would be the usual mini power struggle between ex and his mother (living together, working together I think the lines get a bit blurred between parent/adult child/boss/employee) which is why I think grandparents are so desperate to take ds away, it would be nice for them to have some time without Exp monitoring their every move.

I think, maybe I am reluctant to let ds go away for even a night because it would highlight that he is all I have. My older boys are independent and don't want to be fussed over by me and I don't have friends or hobbies - I need to get some! I think I should probably suggest to exmil that she puts a travel cot up and has him over night one of the weekends just to get the first time over with.

[CwtchesAndCuddles]

It does seem too soon for just the grandparents but I think you are being unreasonable to say no even if your ex is going.

[cansu]

I think it is too much too quickly. Suggest maybe that they have home for a weekend away somewhere in UK first and then when he is a bit older you can move onto longer holidays. I would explain that you trust them but that he is too young and is not yet used to staying away from home.

[Mrsjay]

t is absolutely unreasonable to take a child away from his mother for the pleasure of grandparents or any other person/s. fathers included.

do you really think of it as taking away from mother rather than going away with people who love them and want to be with them , A child is not the exclusive property of a mother IMO

[DinosaursOnASpaceship]

Ds1&2 aren't their grandchildren. And they have been going on holiday with their dad and his family since they were 3&5 although only in the UK.

I don't know why im so protective of ds3. He is just so tiny I am more pfb with him than I was with my actual pfb.

I do trust both exmil and Exfil to cope in an emergency. In a lot of ways they are better with him than I an at times - they seem to have endless patience, are amazed and appreciative everytime ds does something sweet or funny, he wants for nothing.

I think it's guilt playing a part for exmil, she was distraught when she found out I was pregnant with him, to the point of needing counselling. She booked a holiday for his due date for the whole family (aunts and uncles too) so no one was around when he was born. She got very ill with depression and I took ds3 round every day to basically force her to love him. Which she did, an she credits him with her getting better. I think that might be why she has such a strong bond with him.

[lovebunny]

say no. firmly.

it is absolutely unreasonable to take a child away from his mother for the pleasure of grandparents or any other person/s. fathers included.

when the child is old enough to phone home, without assistance or relying on somoene else to provide the phone, if he wants to be collected, he is old enough to go out overnight.

trust your instinct. he's a baby. he stays with you.