to think I am not taking the piss by studying?

[Scarfo]

I went back to college in September at the grand old age of 32 and it seems to have rubbed some people up the wrong way.

A bit of background - I left school at 16 (with GCSEs) and worked for three years in an industry which no longer exists in the digital age. I then met my first dh, and had ds, now 8, and didn't work again (as it turns out ex h was a knob who didn't want me to work aside from doing all his accounts and admin). We eventually divorced and I am now remarried. Dh works, but we live in an expensive city (can't move because of access arrangement for ds), so his wage pays the rent only - actually, his entire monthly wage is £100 short of the rent and we live in the smallest, cheapest flat we could find - but we get small amount of housing benefit, CTC, WTC and some maintenance from ds father, so we are ok. We don't drink, rarely go out, no holidays, have a very tight food budget (£25 per week) so while we don't have luxuries, day to day life is manageable. Plus, now I am a full time student our council tax has been reduced so that has helped loads.

Prior to this course I looked for work for a year, and found nothing. I went for cleaning jobs, shop jobs, even part time things like lunchtime supervisor positions, everything going really. I was always turned down as I had no experience, no references (the job I had as a teenager was cash in hand and the place closed years ago) and because I'd had such a long time out of work. I also put my name down at countless places for volunteer work but there are so many people wanting to volunteer in my area.

I decided that instead of trying to find a min wage job I would be best off going to college to do a vocational course to better myself and eventually end up with a career. The course I am doing is for three years, but at the end I can get a managerial job in my chosen fields (there are many options with this course) and work my way up, or progress to a degree if I wish. I have to do work experience one/two days per week, which has been fantastic, and I am at college three days. Plus a lot of essay writing which easily take up an entire day if I have a day off.

Almost everyone in my family thinks I am taking the mick and that I should be working, instead of relying on dh and top up benefits (which we would probably still get anyway as I am only likely to find a min wage job at the moment).

I am under a lot of pressure to give up my course, but ex h really dented my confidence, called me stupid for years and this course is helping with that no end. I am doing so, so well, I can't tell you the boost it gives me when the tutors tell me that I am doing fantastically after years of feeling worthless.

I just wanted some opinions on what I am doing. I think it's the best thing for my families future but no one else seems to agree and it's getting me down.

[Thistledew]

It sounds a bit like your family may have pigeon-holed you as the 'dropout' of the family, and are now finding that they have to reassess their view of you. Not a nice perspective at all for you, and it reflects more on them than on you or your abilities. Hopefully they will soon come round to the new situation.

[MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro]

Yes, people on benefits are apparently the devil incarnate at the moment, even if they're on benefits while they better themselves. It makes no sense really, does it. Even David Cameron would say you're doing the right thing [hgrin]

[FolkGhoul]

Like I said, jealousy and resentment.

[Mrsjay]

you know you are doing the right thing you know you are doing something you like and you know you are doing the best for your family , a lot of yous in this but you need to feel confident and keeping up your course is what you need to do, you are letting nobody down keep at it

[DontmindifIdo]

Big smile and say "well, I'll be 35 by the time I start working, so over the next 30years I'll end up paying so much more in tax than I would if I got a min wage job now and kept it for the same length of time because I'll be earning so much more once I've finished the course, overall, the taxpayer is going to be making on this deal! Really, DH and I have looked at it and think it's worth short term hit in our finances for a long term better lifestyle and not being dependent on anyone else. I really think people who just focus on the short term at the expense at what's best over a long period are really foolish, don't you agree?"

[Scarfo]

Thistle - you are right. Although, ex h had a very well paid job, I had the big house, holidays, cars - my family were proud of me then as I had the perfect middle class housewife life. Only I didn't, I was miserable. Their only concern when I finally left was that they had a daughter on benefits. Not that I was happy, or that I met my now dh who makes me happy.

[Willabywallaby]

Well done you!

[GhostofMammaTJ]

I am doing a part time Access course, one day a week, that is taking two years. I don't understand why a full time one would take three years.

That aside, stick at it, do not let them grind you down.

Your DH is supportive, leave the in laws to him to deal with.

[Mrsjay]

It depends on the course and the college ghostof

[Scarfo]

Ghostof - the level 2 course I am doing now is one year. Then I will progress to level three which is two years. Then I can go for managerial type jobs or I can do a degree. It's three days a week on both levels, with heaps of course work on top and work placements alongside.

I could have gone straight to level three, but unfortunately got a d in maths gcse, so I am re doing that as well this year as I need a c for level three.

[Scarfo]

Oh and it's a BTEC course. It seemed the best route into a career for me after speaking to various colleges.

[nickeldaisical]

Ghost not all courses are the same.

[nickeldaisical]

Scarfo - i think you're doing a great thing.

you are taking steps to ensure you have the very best chance of getting a good, satisfying and worthwhile career to improve the life of you and your family.

the rest of them can butt out .

[oldraver]

I was thinking the same as Thistle....it sounds like all yours and DH's family have good jobs and now you want that they are not supportive, its as though they want you in the position they have picked out for you as bottom dog but at the same time criticise you for it anyway.

Sounds liek either way you wont win so may as well just do what you want (and no-one should live their lives the way other want anyway). If they criticise again I would pull them up on it, tell them you are working toward bettering yourselves and not relying on benefits and if they dont want to support that then they need to shut up.

[GhostofMammaTJ]

Oh I see, the level two part being the first year.

[LadyClariceCannockMonty]

I agree with saying 'it'll improve our lives in the long term, and if you can't be supportive, please keep your opinions to yourself.' and/or 'We have made our decision and don't wish to discuss it further.' Repeat as necessary rather than allowing

You are working very hard and have clear aims and goals. Your life and your family's life will improve immeasurably with the opportunities this course will open up for you.

Stick to your guns, OP. And good luck!

[carabos]

Educate a woman and you educate a family.

From what you have said, there is no downside to what you are doing, other than a few ignoramuses getting their oar in, and that's just sticks and stones.

Its not forever and your long term future is much healthier than toiling away at a minimum wage job that will take you nowhere now.

It sounds as if your wider family have some fixed ideas about women should be doing which you will have to ignore.

Good luck and stick at it.

[redexpat]

That course sounds fantastic! Really interesting!

Jealousy, resentment, ideas about bettering yourself above your station, yep I think everyone else has covered all possible reasons. Great comebacks up thread too.

[FairhairedandFrustrated]

Ignore!!!!

I left school with no qualifications and returned to education after I had dd. I did my gcses when expecting her (at 23) then a 2 yr access to university course (giving birth to ds in the Christmas holidays lol)

Started my degree at 27 and graduated at 30 :)

We had a lot of negative comments, but if your dh is supportive I think you'll find no-one else matters!! :)

Good luck with it, it'll all be worth it!

[CailinDana]

I don't mean this in a harsh way but something about how you're relating to these people is giving them the impression that they can say this sort of thing to you. Are you overly apologetic about how you are? You say you had a tough marriage with your ex and that your self esteem is fragile - I'm guessing these nasty people can sense that and use you as a fun pastime and as a way to big themselves up. You need to send a very firm message that from now on comments about your life are not welcome. WRT your FIL your DH should really be the one telling him to wind his neck in - where does he get off insulting you like that, and why is your DH putting up with it?

You need to think of and practice things to say in future. For one thing, don't mention your course, so as not to give an opening for criticism. If someone does mention it, pretend they're being positive about it, no matter what they say. That can be quite funny actually :) If you can't manage that, then just don't respond to what they say or just give them a baffled look as if you can't imagine where they got the idea you'd be interested in their opinion. Really, you should just not socialise with these idiots, but if you must, then you need to cut off their supply of fun.

It is your life, and it is up to you what you want to do with it. You don't need to justify it, not to us, not to them, not to anyone except your own little family, who are very pleased for you. Remember that.

[AdoraBell]

Stick with your course, it's absolutely the right thing for you and your family. Don't listen to parents/siblings/so called friends.

[everybodysang]

I am furious on your behalf and I think lots of others here are too. You sound like you are doing a bloody brilliant thing - taking control of your life and also training to work in a sector where you will really make a difference in people's lives.

Fuck 'em. You are doing A Good Thing and they are just being narrow minded and stupid.

Phew, I rarely work up that much rage on MN but it just seems very unfair that you are trying your best and working hard and not getting support. Well, when you get a brilliant, interesting and worthwhile job at the end of it, that will really stick two fingers up to them.

[MummytoKatie]

The reason these courses are free for people on benefits is because the government have done the sums and would rather have the tax from 30 years of you earning £20k than 33 years of you earning £10k.

To totally misquote Grease 2 - you are doing it for your country!

[midseasonsale]

they are jelous!

[DayShiftDoris]

oooh you are getting out of your box OP

And your family don't like it because it's different...

How dare you!!!

No wonder your hubby is proud of you - he has every reason to be.

Let them talk whilst they stand still and never change - you've already proved you are much better than that!