To think men and women can be 'just friends'?

[perceptionreality]

A friend of mine said that when you're married you should stop having friends of the opposite sex as at least one always feels more for the other than friends. I disagree - so is this true or not?

DeeMonic I don't have problems with seeing older male friends, it's new ones that are more tricky. If someone suggests you discuss a work proposal over lunch or dinner, is that a proposition or just a suggestion to be friends? I have assumed everyone is just friendly, but this has slightly backfired on occasions (though luckily not in a very compromising way). This is a shame, but my husband found the same as a SAHD, he made some good female friends to go to the park/go for a coffee, but there was the odd one who was very flirtatious and quite persistent.

I think it goes with the territory. Most people who say 'I see my male friends all the time' are talking about keeping friends say from student days, or making friends as a couple then going out with the guy on their own, not making a new male friend from their job once they are married, if only because their wife might not like it (and this is certainly the case in my experience).

Yep, I'd say if you asked this question on a 'male' forum the replies might be quite different.

I am single and have several male friends, single, married and gay. It's perfectly possible but I would say that with the married ones it's essential to be friends (at some level) with the wives as well and generally to make very clear that one is a 'friend of the marriage'.

Kalisi, I think your point is relevant. My DH is totally calm about my friendships with men from before we met. He can be a bit touchy about new male friends - he says (and I believe him) that it's a slight mistrust of their motives rather than mine. Not a big issue anyway.

My DP knows full well all about it. He knows that even before I got with him, my friend was like that and I never went there with said friend when I had the chance, so why would I now?

My DP is completely fine with it. He knows I see him nothing more than like a brother. My DP has even become friends with him, and as been fine when he has come and stayed overnight on the sofa after a night out, including DP. DP knows he has nothing to worry about because even if we did split, the last person I would want to start a relationship with is my friend. He trusts me, so it doesn't cause problems and never has done for the 8+ years we have been together.

I'm sure he trusts you completely and I believe that you have no romantic feelings towards this man but personally I couldn't be friends with a woman if I thought they'd hotfoot it off with my dp given half a chance.

Maybe that's just me though.

Of course men and women can be just friends. Anyone who tells you different is dumb as a box of rocks and frankly just plain wrong.

I think it depends on honesty tbh. DP hit the roof with one of his friends (now ex) as towards the start of our relationship, this friend had got hold of my number and started texting me, a lot, without telling DP. I showed DP the messages and he wasn't best impressed but left it nevertheless. Until his friend started saying he wanted to do this and that to me. I think what killed the friendship for DP was because he was completely going behind his back and practically stabbing him in the back by trying to get into my knickers.

My DP is pretty laid back about everything, until someone crosses him then it is game over. He won't stay friends with someone who would purposely go behind his back with the sole intention of doing something to hurt him.

I have 2 close male friends. One whose wife HATES me - she sees me as a threat when in actual fact I'm the only one who has turned her husband down! The other wife was (apparently) unsettled at first but is now a friend and we chat socially when we meet (it helps that we have children of similar ages and are in the same job)

I have a really good relationship with two men (seperately, they're not really friends with each other) i work with who i met after dh. dh hasn't really met them and i've met one wife but not the other.

I would never think of anything happening, both clearly love their wives and i love my dh... and sexual attraction just doesn't come into it at all - they're both nice blokes who i get on well with and connect with for releasing work stress (one is very into our mutual profession and we support each other in our career choices, the other is great for a bacon sarnie and laugh and taking our minds off the stress).

It wouldn't occur to me to think either fancied me or to fancy them.... maybe that's why I was single for so long before meeting DH - I don't view every male I meet in terms of being a potential sexual partner.

I have never had a male friend that hasn't tried it on tbh.

Hedgehog

I think if his wife hates you, whether she is being unreasonable or not (and given that he has tried it on with you, I'd suggest she has something to worry about), you are colluding with him in thumbing your nose at him. Which doesn't say much for him really.

sorry, that was meant to say "colluding with him in thumbing his nose at her"

Have you not seen When Harry met Sally?

I find male "friends" lose interest in being friends or in maintaining regular contact when they realise nothing romantic will come of it. Its quite hurtful. I'd love to have a male friend or two to do platonic things with that DH doesn't want to. Most men though are too busy with their own lives/wives/girlfriends or finding a girlfriend.

I have male friends (including exes). Not a problem. Nothing dodgy going on. Husband doesn't mind.

Husband has female friends, including his best friend. He goes on holiday with her and shares a room (but not a bed - I'd draw the line at that!) with her. Not a problem. I trust them both.

I like being with a man who can relate to women on a friendship level... and that means that he's going to have female friends.

+1 vote for watching When Harry met Sally for guidance on this matter! It's really quite insightful if you can manage to follow what Billy Crystal is saying!

I have plenty of male friends. Two in particular who have been in my life for 20 years. One I snogged the face off on many occasions when we were about fifteen. Another who hated me upon sight and now comes over once a week for tea after we grew on each other. Yet there is no difference now in our friendships or interactions. I don't fancy either of them, am great mates with their other halves and I know they would critique how big my arse is in my party dress without any other thought passing through their heads.

It is completely possible to be friends without the other stuff!

'I find male "friends" lose interest in being friends or in maintaining regular contact when they realise nothing romantic will come of it. Its quite hurtful.'

Yes, I totally agree, I was going to say this - this has happened to me quite a lot and you are right, it is hurtful. But I do have a male friend who really is a friend. Maybe the former were never really friends if they are just waiting to pounce.