Is my mum being a knob or am i selfish??

[namechangerhonest]

I have namechanged for this thread because the details will totally out me if anyone knows me in RL so if you recognise me from other threads please don't say! Its long but I don't want to dripfeed so I have tried to include all relevant info.

Background: My DD (9) does ballet on the weekend, and also has a class on a Monday evening. It is half term this week so she was off school yesterday.
I am 30 weeks pregnant and also have been very poorly the last few months with an unrelated illness so am incredibly tired at the moment although I would say I am recovering.
My lovely Dad a few years ago offered to pay for my DD's ballet classes as money was tight, and still does, although now only pays part of the bill- as she has advanced up the school her classes have become more expensive and extra classes have been required.
I pay for all these extra classes and for all ballet clothing/shoes/exam fees/any extra lessons she needs for exams etc. So my Dad pays for the basic ballet and tap classes she started off with at the age of 3 and I pay for the rest.
I am very appreciative of this however I did about six months ago suggest to my Dad that I take over paying for the whole lot as I feel we could manage it now. He declined, and said he was happy to pay. I said 'thank you very much, thats really kind', and we continued as before.

Now, yesterday, as DD was off school, obviously we were slightly out of routine, as normally she gets in from school, we have a quick tea, and leave straight away as ballet is around 20 minutes drive away from where we live.
Yesterday, I had been busy doing things around the house and tired myself out, and had to go up for a nap around 3pm, forgetting about ballet and not waking until 4.30 pm, which is when we normally have to leave for a class which is 5-6pm. When I woke I had to get some tea ready as DP was coming in at 5 and expecting me to have some tea ready for him to eat and leave straight away as he had to travel overnight for work, leaving at 5.30 pm.

For those who might say DP could get his own tea, he is not normally someone who expects me to have his tea on the table etc, and in fact on a Monday usually has to wait until fairly late for his tea as we are out at ballet, but this was an unusual situation and I had promised I would have some tea ready yesterday for him due to the tight timescale, and as he is coeliac it isn't easy for him to pick something up at a motorway service station or indeed to rely on being able to get something easily at his destination (around 4-5 hours drive).

SO.
DD did not go to ballet. However, she has been tired this week, and she is on half term, so she didn't actually notice and it wasn't mentioned. I made tea, we sat down and ate together as a family and then said goodbye to DP at 5.30 pm, we played a game of UNO and at 6 pm DD went upstairs and got ready for bed without me asking (a sure sign she must be tired!!!!)

I lightheartedly texted my mum to tell her DD had got ready for bed at 6 as I found it amusing and thought she would also, and she replied with 'what happened to ballet?'

I replied 'We didn't go because I was asleep, didn't wake until 4.30pm and we had to have some tea! Oh well.'
I didn't explain any more than this but of course as a grown woman didn't think I had to justify my actions to my mother so assumed this would be sufficient, especially given the fact that she knows I have been struggling to cope with my illness and pregnancy combined, but have managed to get DD to dancing and other activities every other time.

I got a reply saying 'Hope you realise your dad isn't paying for any more dance lessons'.

Me- 'That's fine but why are you being funny about it? I'm ill not lazy!'
DM- 'If you had asked I would have taken her. The lessons have been paid for and she likes going'.

I tried to ring her at this point but she didn't answer phone. Now, my mum lives 20-30 minutes at least from me, so had I rung her at 4.30pm when I woke up, she would (even if she had left immediately), not have been at my house until the time the class had already started, so wouldn't arrive there until halfway through it.

My mum has been ignoring calls and texts since then so I have just left it, but I feel a little bit aggrieved that I seem to be in the doghouse as

a) I didn't intentionally miss the class, I would have left DP some tea ready to heat up if I had not forgotten the class was on and gone for a sleep.
b) my dad isn't actually paying for this Monday class anyway
c)she would have missed most of the class if I had rung my mum to get her (and not something it would have occurred to me to do anyway as it would seem a big 'ask' as she doesn't even live in the same town as us)
d) I have offered to pay for the entire bill and he has insisted, so I'm not bothered by having to pay for it but it just feels like it is a 'punishment' for being 'naughty'- leading onto my last point-
e) I AM 32 YEARS OLD

I know I should just let her get over it and let it wash over me but she has such form for this kind of thing, emotional blackmail, toxic parenting and all the rest of it and I fall for it EVERY TIME.

But this time I am wondering, is this just her up to her usual tricks and I am out of favour again (she will be bitching about me to one of my sisters I can guarantee). Or was I actually being unreasonable and a bit unfair on my DD to forget to set an alarm and get up in time to go? I feel like I have lost all perspective on this and maybe I am putting myself first when I should have just sucked it up and taken DD to ballet (having had nothing to eat since lunch) and DP sorted himself out?

[WileyRoadRunner]

We've already done this Susanne

[AllDirections]

YANBU

These things happen or at least they do to us normal folk.

But I'm sure there are perfect people out there that would never let something like this happen

[namechangerhonest]

Natasha- they don't pay for those lessons though- only two of her Saturday lessons, I pay for everything else already! I know what you mean about the wording but she has been dancing for 6 years and this is the first time we have ever not gone, it honestly didn't occur to me she would be upset, especially given that she knows how ill I have been.

My mum and dad can easily afford to pay for the lessons, btw. Easily. But I don't just expect them to as I have previously said, and as we have gradually added bits (eg the Monday classes) I have automatically paid for those. My mum definitely knows I pay for those bits as well as there was another discussion about the bill this term when it arrived, I offered to pay again and instead my DF accepted some money from me in part payment for it.

I am just going to intercept it next time and pay in full. And hope this baby isn't a girl (twice the fees!)

[IAmSheWhoMustBeObeyed]

She is a knob.
YANBU
Try and leave her alone for a while and just carry on as normal with your own life.

[SusanneLinder]

Sorry Wiley the thread had moved on while I was pressing submit :o

Oh and your mum is a knob OP:)

[WileyRoadRunner]

Phew I was just wrapping up a foot spa and apology card to rush to OPs house Susanne

[SusanneLinder]

:o Wiley

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

Just pay for all the lessons yourself, then she can't say anything. Well she can but it won't hold water. I think you're doing we'll to keep going as much as you have, especially seeing as you should be on bed rest. Make sure you rest as much as you can and sod your mother.

Btw, boys can do ballet too, you know.

[EldritchCleavage]

Yes, my colleague at work takes his son to ballet. He's very promising, apparently.

[WileyRoadRunner]

Ooh yes OP please have a boy and ask your DM to pay for his ballet lessons too!

[namechangerhonest]

I'm sure if I do have a boy I won't stop him doing ballet if he wants to- but its less likely isn't it! Anyway the times would clash with rugby so I'm sure DP will be dragging him down to the rugby club of a Saturday morning, he's desperate to live vicariously through his offspring now he's virtually injured out of the game!

[Kewcumber]

Your mother is an arse.

[Kewcumber]

I could have prettied that comment up a bit but can't really be bothered and she doesn;t sound worth the effort!

[perceptionreality]

Your mum is being totally unreasonable, OP - is she always this toxic? She sounds a bit like my mum in a way, who has done these things in the past - it's all designed to control you isn't it?

You should ignore her.

[namechangerhonest]

She has always been like this Perception.
I have seriously considered in the past whether she has NPD but i came to realise it didn't really matter if she did or didn't- she wasn't changing so I need to get over it anyway!
She also has had in the past a bad habit of offering to buy things for me/DD (I was a single parent for a few years) when she knew I couldn't afford them myself, and then holding me to ransom over them (including lending me the money for a new car, despite me not asking for it or particularly wanting it, but insisting we needed a safer car than my old banger, and then referring to it as 'her' car until it was all paid back). This sort of thing is just what she does- it hasn't seemed to be a problem with the dancing lessons until now however.

Most of the time I let it wash over me but since I've been pregnant this time she has been very chummy with me (dunno why!) and down on my sister, who really doesn't need it, as she is currently going through a difficult divorce), and I have allowed myself to be lulled into a false sense of security. I even went shopping with her a few weeks ago and commented to DP that she seemed to have mellowed out a bit! I should have bloody known it couldn't last, grrrr

[WileyRoadRunner]

Uh oh OP are you the younger sibling?

Does your mum still think you are a child despite your protestations? If so please have sympathy and come to terms with the fact it will never change!

[namechangerhonest]

Yes- am the baby by 7 years! Pretty sure you're right and it will never change

[financialwizard]

Oh no I am an only child and I have a mother exactly the same as your mothher namechanger. Very controlling, same with money. If I wasn't an only child I'd think I was your sister!

So, how do we change these people, or do we have to live with it?

[namechangerhonest]

FW- glad I'm not alone!

I don't think they will ever change- I have never had an apology from my mother about ANYTHING. In 32 years. And she has pulled some serious shit over the years as well. I find it more soothing to accept her as she is, its just annoyed me more this time as I didn't see it coming. So am more annoyed with myself really for letting her creep back in. DP says I have been happier since coming to the realisation that she won't change.
I think with hindsight we have been building up to something happening really, as she has been harping on and on about how she wants us to go to them for Christmas despite the fact that this baby is due a week later and I have said I would like to remain at home with my family. I'm having a home birth so means as little disruption as possible, and if I'm not in labour I will be heavily pregnant or will have a tiny baby so I will deffo want to be at home. Sample conversation:

Me:'I think we would like to stay at home this year as I will be more comfy there, as I am going to be so heavily pregnant'
DM- 'But if you go into labour you could get a taxi home!'
Me: 'yes but if I'm already at home I won't have to do anything at all! Plus I can lounge about more at home, I would just rather not commit to anything really, you are very welcome to come and visit us. I would invite you and DF for Christmas lunch but I know you are having Dsis and Dneices and I don't think I could cope with cooking for five extras in case I go into labour'
DM: 'well I think you are being very selfish as DD will want to come and see her cousins (sister is going to my mum and dads). You should at least send her to our house, your DF will pick her up if you can't be bothered bringing her.'
Me: 'They are also very welcome to come and visit us, as I said I would just rather not commit given the timings. DD has said emphatically she wants to be here with us on Christmas day and also be around during my labour unless I need to transfer to hospital, she doesn't want to feel left out I don't think, and as she is nearly 10 and sensible I am happy to allow her to make that decision.'
DM: Well I think you're being very selfish, she will much rather be here with us
Me:

And on, and on, ad infinitum. Massive boundary issues.

[perceptionreality]

ohhhhhhh, she sounds so much like my mum too namechange! She has done that to me repeatedly - buys things or pays for things that I haven't asked for then if I don't do exactly what she wants I get the

after all the things I've done for you!!

Once she came round and tried to 'fix' a plumbing problem. I asked her not to and she ignored me, ended up making the problem worse and then shouted at me when I got angry saying I should be grateful!

[Viviennemary]

I agree she has got a bee in her bonnet about your Dad paying for the lessons. And that is the root of it. But it sounds as if she would always find something to complain about even if it wasn't this particular thing. From one who knows!!

[TheOnlyPersonInTheRoom]

Regardless of who pays or who doesn't she is YOUR DD, you are the parent ferrying her about, and if for whatever reason you can't ferry her about then so be it. Your DD has sucked it up and it's really nobody else's business.

The only thing you are being unreasonable about is to spend so much energy dwelling on it. Your mother does sound toxic (sorry).

I'm afraid if it were me I would take my bat and ball home and downright refuse to accept any more money for ballet lessons, then nobody can haul you over the coals if you're unable to take her in future. It's not 'work', it's life and leisure, and you shouldn't have to feel guilty about the fact you've basically rung in sick!

[perceptionreality]

I had to go and live with my parents for a short time after my marriage broke down. To say it was a nightmare would be an understatement. My mum used to come home from work and I would be cooking the children's dinner. She would walk in and look at what I was cooking and say 'Eurgh, that looks disgusting. I'm going to cook them something else - they can't eat that'

As for my dad, he is vile - even worse. He used to do nasty things like put wet towels on my bed and try to break the door down when I was in the bathroom.

TG I don't live there any more! Toxic parents are a nightmare...I do sympathise OP.

[Crinkle77]

YANBU your mum is BU

[zippey]

That was a very good OP and it sets out your case very well. I dont think you were being selfish or unreasonable, and it is your mum who is in the wrong for jumping the gun, but some would say she is entitled to because she doesnt know the whole story (that you're daghter was tired too)

What I detect though is an underlying current of resentment that your mum and dad are paying partly for the lessons. You're dad is paying, but I would assume that means its both mum AND dad who are paying.

If you can and able to, I would stop accepting payment from your munm and dad because it almost gives them a level of entitlement about what to expect.