Is my mum being a knob or am i selfish??

[namechangerhonest]

I have namechanged for this thread because the details will totally out me if anyone knows me in RL so if you recognise me from other threads please don't say! Its long but I don't want to dripfeed so I have tried to include all relevant info.

Background: My DD (9) does ballet on the weekend, and also has a class on a Monday evening. It is half term this week so she was off school yesterday.
I am 30 weeks pregnant and also have been very poorly the last few months with an unrelated illness so am incredibly tired at the moment although I would say I am recovering.
My lovely Dad a few years ago offered to pay for my DD's ballet classes as money was tight, and still does, although now only pays part of the bill- as she has advanced up the school her classes have become more expensive and extra classes have been required.
I pay for all these extra classes and for all ballet clothing/shoes/exam fees/any extra lessons she needs for exams etc. So my Dad pays for the basic ballet and tap classes she started off with at the age of 3 and I pay for the rest.
I am very appreciative of this however I did about six months ago suggest to my Dad that I take over paying for the whole lot as I feel we could manage it now. He declined, and said he was happy to pay. I said 'thank you very much, thats really kind', and we continued as before.

Now, yesterday, as DD was off school, obviously we were slightly out of routine, as normally she gets in from school, we have a quick tea, and leave straight away as ballet is around 20 minutes drive away from where we live.
Yesterday, I had been busy doing things around the house and tired myself out, and had to go up for a nap around 3pm, forgetting about ballet and not waking until 4.30 pm, which is when we normally have to leave for a class which is 5-6pm. When I woke I had to get some tea ready as DP was coming in at 5 and expecting me to have some tea ready for him to eat and leave straight away as he had to travel overnight for work, leaving at 5.30 pm.

For those who might say DP could get his own tea, he is not normally someone who expects me to have his tea on the table etc, and in fact on a Monday usually has to wait until fairly late for his tea as we are out at ballet, but this was an unusual situation and I had promised I would have some tea ready yesterday for him due to the tight timescale, and as he is coeliac it isn't easy for him to pick something up at a motorway service station or indeed to rely on being able to get something easily at his destination (around 4-5 hours drive).

SO.
DD did not go to ballet. However, she has been tired this week, and she is on half term, so she didn't actually notice and it wasn't mentioned. I made tea, we sat down and ate together as a family and then said goodbye to DP at 5.30 pm, we played a game of UNO and at 6 pm DD went upstairs and got ready for bed without me asking (a sure sign she must be tired!!!!)

I lightheartedly texted my mum to tell her DD had got ready for bed at 6 as I found it amusing and thought she would also, and she replied with 'what happened to ballet?'

I replied 'We didn't go because I was asleep, didn't wake until 4.30pm and we had to have some tea! Oh well.'
I didn't explain any more than this but of course as a grown woman didn't think I had to justify my actions to my mother so assumed this would be sufficient, especially given the fact that she knows I have been struggling to cope with my illness and pregnancy combined, but have managed to get DD to dancing and other activities every other time.

I got a reply saying 'Hope you realise your dad isn't paying for any more dance lessons'.

Me- 'That's fine but why are you being funny about it? I'm ill not lazy!'
DM- 'If you had asked I would have taken her. The lessons have been paid for and she likes going'.

I tried to ring her at this point but she didn't answer phone. Now, my mum lives 20-30 minutes at least from me, so had I rung her at 4.30pm when I woke up, she would (even if she had left immediately), not have been at my house until the time the class had already started, so wouldn't arrive there until halfway through it.

My mum has been ignoring calls and texts since then so I have just left it, but I feel a little bit aggrieved that I seem to be in the doghouse as

a) I didn't intentionally miss the class, I would have left DP some tea ready to heat up if I had not forgotten the class was on and gone for a sleep.
b) my dad isn't actually paying for this Monday class anyway
c)she would have missed most of the class if I had rung my mum to get her (and not something it would have occurred to me to do anyway as it would seem a big 'ask' as she doesn't even live in the same town as us)
d) I have offered to pay for the entire bill and he has insisted, so I'm not bothered by having to pay for it but it just feels like it is a 'punishment' for being 'naughty'- leading onto my last point-
e) I AM 32 YEARS OLD

I know I should just let her get over it and let it wash over me but she has such form for this kind of thing, emotional blackmail, toxic parenting and all the rest of it and I fall for it EVERY TIME.

But this time I am wondering, is this just her up to her usual tricks and I am out of favour again (she will be bitching about me to one of my sisters I can guarantee). Or was I actually being unreasonable and a bit unfair on my DD to forget to set an alarm and get up in time to go? I feel like I have lost all perspective on this and maybe I am putting myself first when I should have just sucked it up and taken DD to ballet (having had nothing to eat since lunch) and DP sorted himself out?

[midseasonsale]

I think you should give your mum a huge amount of space. Text her and just say 'I'm 30 weeks, recovering from illness and both DD and I are utterly exhausted after a hard few weeks. This is the first lesson she has missed but it's OK that you don't want to part pay for her lessons, I'll make ful payment from Xmas onwards''

They probably feel Xmas is out of their control and this is their way of making a point. Really do not be bothered by all this, the last thing you need is to be upset by all this. Deep breath and give them a wide birth.

[ilovesooty]

I feel sorry for your father too. She sounds horrible.

[blackeyedsusan]

oh for goodness sake, we all make mistakes or are poorly at some point..

in an ideal world you would have set the alarm or whatever.

she has really got to you when it was a genuine mistake and is making you doubt your own sanity... not wowrth the hassle.

try to keep the christmas discussions to a minimum. the "no that does nto work for me" thing.

and yanbu for slleping if you are supposed to be on bed rest. you have another child to think about too. it would be worse for your dd to lose a baby sibling thatn to miss a couple of ballet classes so take it easy ok?

[Kiwiinkits]

YADNBU, I can't bear 'cold shoulder' drama-queen behaviour from grown women. She's nuts (and needs something else to do with her time other than manage yours, obviously).

[LineRunner]

I agree, she is stewing, stewing I tell you, about the bit of money.

[DontmindifIdo]

YANBU - cut her out for a while. No more ballet lessons paid by your DF, refuse to discuss it. Christmas, tell her you are staying at home, refuse to discuss it. Easier said than done, but you still feel the need to justify your choices to your mum, both in the missing a ballet class and Christmas, you don't have to, you don't answer to her and it doesn't matter what she thinks. (it has taken me a long time to learn this BTW)

[whiteandyelloworchid]

yanbu

use this as your chance to set some claerer boundries

good luck with everything op

[pictish]

Yanbo, your mum is. She has no business getting the hump with you over something that is none of her business, and not her area to control.

I was very close to my mum (she died a few years ago sadly) but she had controlling tendencies too, and this would be exactly the sort of thing she would've given me a 'row' over.

[namechangerhonest]

My sister and i have been trying to persuade her to get a job or a hobby for years. She has done both recently (part time) and it hasn't made much difference, although I suppose she has a bit less time on her hands to cause mischief

[youarewinning]

Dear God namechanger She is indeed a loon.

Perhaps you need to start paying for her to do a hobby so she buts out of your life

YADNBU. Enjoy Christmas and best of luck with your new baby when he/she makes an appearance.

[namechangerhonest]

We already thought that about the name Softkitty! Have vaguely told her we hadn't decided (we have however decided fully on girls and boys names!) because I remember the bitching from her that went on behind my sisters back about the names they had chosen! She won't like the names either, I know, but I think she is less likely to mention that once the baby is born

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

will not wi

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

She's not confused, she's controlling, manipulative and toxic. The Xmas present example shows that. I think your sample conversation is the perfect example of this. You tell her, very reasonably, why you won't be there at Christmas. She calls you selfish. You tell her DD will (rightfully) be staying with you that day. She calls you selfish. She does that because she's not getting her own way and doesn't like it. I also suspect she sees your DD as 'hers'. I just wouldn't engage when she starts like that. 'You're welcome to visit us but none of us wi be travelling on Christmas Day.' then change the subject. If she keeps going on necessary, repeat after each of her protests/excuses.

Agree with your DH about the Christmas presents. Do the same with your baby's name - don't tell her possibles because she's bound to try and get you to pick something she wants. Just present it to her as a fait accompli.

[namechangerhonest]

Perception- are you sure you're not my sister?! There surely can't be two of them!
When we moved house a few years ago she kept trying to tell me where to have the furniture as well, to the point where I refused to discuss it with her. She would ring up saying things like 'I've been thinking about that shelf'

[Snog]

YANBU
I would thank your mother for offering to take dd and say that on this occaision it would not have worked out.
I would enter into no further discussion and pay the fees in future yourself.
You made a rational and adult decision not to take your dd to ballet on this occaision and do not need to justify this to anyone.

[mamandeouisti]

Sounds like she is VERY confused as to her role as GM. You are the parent, OP. She may be your mother but she is NOT DD's mother. She sounds like the family matriarch from hell! I'd pay for the lessons, explain to DF and say it just isn't worth the hassle she puts you through and make absolutely bloody certain you don't go there for Christmas. The whole "send DD for Christmas" thing makes me furious. She seems to view her as some kind of commodity/possession to be paraded about. If you fancy stirring just a wee bit, I'd tell her that you're sure she'll be wanting to spend a bit more time looking after your nieces as they're having a difficult time at the moment and that you're actually very capable of looking after DD. Besides, she obviously doesn't care two hoots about DD's feelings after the binbag debacle. I just want to say AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHH! Whew! That feels better! You have my sympathy!

[namechangerhonest]

Gosh, reading that back just makes it so obvious what a knob she is I am so cross I have let her creep back in to the extent that she is making me feel inadequate as a parent yet again

[namechangerhonest]

I had to put so much in the OP because I'm used to my mum looking like she is the reasonable one to other people!
I am going to pay for the next ballet bill in full and accept nothing more from them in future- normal baby gifts excepted of course!!

DP has just reminded me not to tell her what we are buying DD for Xmas as well- made me again as she found out one year what we were buying and after some slight disagreement similar to this ( it was to do with the fact that we had decided to move DD to a new school- she was angry we hadn't consulted her first). she first of all stopped speaking to me directly, then went round her house, collected all of DD's belongings that had been left in her house, and left them in a bin bag on the doorstep. She then got my df to tell me they were there if I wanted to pick them up. I did so, meanwhile I continued to take DD round to visit them (not staying myself) as she and they wanted it and I didn't think it was fair on my DD to suddenly cut contact- it's not her fault her GM is a loon!

On one of these visits she took DD out- in about October or November i think- and bought her everything we had planned, and gave them all to her there and then . Then said pathetically 'I didn't know if you would let me see her at Christmas'.

[zippey]

That was a very good OP and it sets out your case very well. I dont think you were being selfish or unreasonable, and it is your mum who is in the wrong for jumping the gun, but some would say she is entitled to because she doesnt know the whole story (that you're daghter was tired too)

What I detect though is an underlying current of resentment that your mum and dad are paying partly for the lessons. You're dad is paying, but I would assume that means its both mum AND dad who are paying.

If you can and able to, I would stop accepting payment from your munm and dad because it almost gives them a level of entitlement about what to expect.

[Crinkle77]

YANBU your mum is BU

[perceptionreality]

I had to go and live with my parents for a short time after my marriage broke down. To say it was a nightmare would be an understatement. My mum used to come home from work and I would be cooking the children's dinner. She would walk in and look at what I was cooking and say 'Eurgh, that looks disgusting. I'm going to cook them something else - they can't eat that'

As for my dad, he is vile - even worse. He used to do nasty things like put wet towels on my bed and try to break the door down when I was in the bathroom.

TG I don't live there any more! Toxic parents are a nightmare...I do sympathise OP.

[TheOnlyPersonInTheRoom]

Regardless of who pays or who doesn't she is YOUR DD, you are the parent ferrying her about, and if for whatever reason you can't ferry her about then so be it. Your DD has sucked it up and it's really nobody else's business.

The only thing you are being unreasonable about is to spend so much energy dwelling on it. Your mother does sound toxic (sorry).

I'm afraid if it were me I would take my bat and ball home and downright refuse to accept any more money for ballet lessons, then nobody can haul you over the coals if you're unable to take her in future. It's not 'work', it's life and leisure, and you shouldn't have to feel guilty about the fact you've basically rung in sick!

[Viviennemary]

I agree she has got a bee in her bonnet about your Dad paying for the lessons. And that is the root of it. But it sounds as if she would always find something to complain about even if it wasn't this particular thing. From one who knows!!

[perceptionreality]

ohhhhhhh, she sounds so much like my mum too namechange! She has done that to me repeatedly - buys things or pays for things that I haven't asked for then if I don't do exactly what she wants I get the

after all the things I've done for you!!

Once she came round and tried to 'fix' a plumbing problem. I asked her not to and she ignored me, ended up making the problem worse and then shouted at me when I got angry saying I should be grateful!

[namechangerhonest]

FW- glad I'm not alone!

I don't think they will ever change- I have never had an apology from my mother about ANYTHING. In 32 years. And she has pulled some serious shit over the years as well. I find it more soothing to accept her as she is, its just annoyed me more this time as I didn't see it coming. So am more annoyed with myself really for letting her creep back in. DP says I have been happier since coming to the realisation that she won't change.
I think with hindsight we have been building up to something happening really, as she has been harping on and on about how she wants us to go to them for Christmas despite the fact that this baby is due a week later and I have said I would like to remain at home with my family. I'm having a home birth so means as little disruption as possible, and if I'm not in labour I will be heavily pregnant or will have a tiny baby so I will deffo want to be at home. Sample conversation:

Me:'I think we would like to stay at home this year as I will be more comfy there, as I am going to be so heavily pregnant'
DM- 'But if you go into labour you could get a taxi home!'
Me: 'yes but if I'm already at home I won't have to do anything at all! Plus I can lounge about more at home, I would just rather not commit to anything really, you are very welcome to come and visit us. I would invite you and DF for Christmas lunch but I know you are having Dsis and Dneices and I don't think I could cope with cooking for five extras in case I go into labour'
DM: 'well I think you are being very selfish as DD will want to come and see her cousins (sister is going to my mum and dads). You should at least send her to our house, your DF will pick her up if you can't be bothered bringing her.'
Me: 'They are also very welcome to come and visit us, as I said I would just rather not commit given the timings. DD has said emphatically she wants to be here with us on Christmas day and also be around during my labour unless I need to transfer to hospital, she doesn't want to feel left out I don't think, and as she is nearly 10 and sensible I am happy to allow her to make that decision.'
DM: Well I think you're being very selfish, she will much rather be here with us
Me:

And on, and on, ad infinitum. Massive boundary issues.