Married couples with differing views on Christmas presents

[BadLad]

Presents for each other, that is - we don't have DCs.

As with all my threads, worth keeping in mind that DW is not from the same country, and Christmas is very superficial here. Decorations go up, but it doesn't have any religious meaning. The most popular Christmas meal is the Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket! One department famously some years back had a Christmas display in their window of Santa Claus............nailed to the cross!

Anyway, I love Christmas, as do my parents. We aren't religious at all, but exchanging presents and having a traditional meal is very important to us.

DW is very frugal, as many of her countrypeople are, and doesn't like wasting money. We are lucky enough to have that in common most of the time.

Our financial position is good - enough to buy more or less whatever we need. So for Christmas what seems sensible to me is to buy the other person something that they would like, but would probably not get round to getting for themselves. Plus a few amusing, cheap stocking fillers.

I have suggested ideas to DW, and she is very good at finding funny cheap presents for both me and my parents. The problem is getting ideas from her for her main present.

I have asked her a few times for some ideas, but nothing has been forthcoming. In the past I have gone for expensive scarves or jewellery, which were appreciated, but later she did say she didn't really need them, as she has quite a few already, and thought it was an unneccessary extravagance. Lasst year, fortunately, she came across a nice watch she wanted. This year, she hasn't given me a single idea.

Honestly, I don't want to nag her for ideas - Christmas is supposed to be fun, not stressful, but she doesn't want me to surprise her. I have terrible taste in clothes, so can't really buy them for her - the scarf I got many second opinions on.

Anyone else have problems shopping for their partner's Christmas pressies?

[shockers]

I don't enjoy receiving gifts at Christmas, it just seems like a huge waste of money. However, one year DH saw me admiring a necklace in an artist's studio whilst on holiday in October. He sneaked back, bought it and presented it on Christmas morning. That present meant a lot to me.

[shewhowines]

I see it as a total waste of money if someones spends hard earned money on a present that I don't want/like/would have chosen differently. It does make me difficult to buy for though as i normally buy things for myself if I want them.

Experiences are great or lots of small inexpensive things to open. It is the giving and receiving that is important, not the value of things.
I resent wasting of money and it would ruin christmas to have money spent on me for the sake of it.

We do quantity of presents rather than quality! although we do buy nice things from a list if there is one

[A1980]

One of the best Christmas presents I ever got was from an ex-boyfriend. he took me to see a ballet at the royal opera house as he knew I did ballet until my mid teens and loved it. he had never seen a ballet and he loved it too. take her out. she can keep the memories.

[BadLad]

Much obliged for all the views.

I will be cooking something on the day.

I will let the subject drop until a couple of days before I go to the UK, when I will pipe up with something along the lines of "Do let me know if there's anything you would like Christmas". Hopefully that doesn't sound too nagging. I can mention the charity / trip away ideas then.

If not, then it will be all surprises and hoping at least some are to her liking.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

I would give her something like a bunch of flowers or edible things. Or would she maybe get it more if you made her something, like baked her a cake or brought her breakfast that day? I like the charity idea too. These are all things that will mean she doesn't end up with more 'stuff'.

I am really bad at thinking of what I want as a present too, so I see where she is coming from. But I can also see that if she is good at buying presents for you and your family, you're naturally going to want to do the same!

[MidniteScribbler]

If "things" really don't mean that much to her, is there a particular charity or cause that is close to her heart? My best friend isn't much for christmas and hates "stuff", so each year now I make a donation in her name to something that really means something to her. A few years ago it was several boxes of books to a school that was destroyed in the bushfires (we're in Australia), last year it was several boxes of toys to a school that was destroyed in the Queensland floods. This year I'm donating a dozen dog beds to the local animal shelter in her name. She loves it and says that it's the best gifts anyone could ever give her.

[HoldMeCloserTonyDanza]

Are there any Japanese gift-giving holidays she celebrates that you could maybe poach ideas from?

Do remember not to take all this too personally. You live in Japan and have chosen to marry a Japanese woman - Christmas is never going to mean that much to her and that's not a slight against you or a lack of effort on her part. The feelings it evokes and the meanings it has for you just can't be conferred to a spouse who hasn't grown up with it. I have lived in several different countries with different holiday customs and the only ones that really mean something are the ones I celebrated from childhood.

DH is not from my country and I know he will never "get" Halloween the way I do, he'll go along with my plans on the day and complement my decorations but he just doesn't understand the excitement of making DD's costume weeks in advance he thinks I'm slightly mad. It will never mean that much to him but he appreciates how much it means to me so that's ok.

[ripsishere]

But where are you based?
I am assuming somewhere tropical given your posting time.
We found people from foreign parts love typically English things. Ridiculously, my DDs teacher cried when we gave her a tin of shortbread - although it could have been because she'd had DD for a year in her class.

[BadLad]

I don't think I am quite as bad as your stepdad, Snort. I don't want to control as such - just be sure that she does get something she wants and it isn't all well-meaning stuff that she doesn't actually want. I can do it myself if I don't get any ideas - indeed, I have done in the past.

sashh, your third line is my concern. I don't want to make Christmas and birthdays stressful. I'm trying not to be pushy when I ask, which isn't that often, but I can see why it would be irritating, hence asking what other people in similar situations do.

Looks like it will be a trip round the stores in the exotic (to her) UK next month then.

Thanks for all the answers.

[sashh]

I'm with your wife on this.

I don't celebrate Christmas and I just don't get this idea of, "you have to have a present, it's Christmas".

She is probably really stressing because you keep asking her what she wants and she doesn't know / isn't bothered.

But advice for present giving - pay attention. She will look at somethiing in a window, say, "oh I like that", or something similar.

One thing you could get her is a charm bracelet with a couple of charms, then for the next few years you can buy charms.

You don't mention which country you are in but you could get things that are not easy to get where you are. A friend visited Japan and brought me a square omellette pan and a sushi knife. Actually was't the crucified santa Japan?

What about sponsoring a child in a developing country or a dog to be a assistance dog? Both benefit someone else so are sort of practical.

[FantasticDay]

My dh bought me Maori language lessons one Christmas (when we were living in NZ). I really enjoyed them.

[YouMayLogOut]

How about something "consumable" like wine, food, chocolates?

[FredFredGeorge]

I know you want to give a present, but she doesn't want to get one - or at least doesn't want to tell you what she might want. With that in mind and her frugality I would say you should avoid anything big - go for the silly or small but thoughtful present to.

Forcing present ideas when the person really doesn't want anything is not the way to treat a loved one.

[SnortGlassesWatchAndSlacks]

My stepfather sounds like you, I must say that as a present receiver this approach takes all the niceness out of it! I would rather have a five pound present that had been really carefully thought about, than a £150 one that ha just been bought because it was a gift (eg the posh scarf you mention). Abd i really honestly mean that.

With my sdad, we need to give him a list at least two months in advance if things we might like. He and mum mum then select from this list. He is basically an utter control freak and the idea of buying something he doesn't know is 100% certain to be a wanted horrifies him I think. But for me, if dh was like this I would not give him ideas either! A gift is not romantic unless it's a surprise one i think.

One year dh bought me a tiny little needle case, a pretty notebook, and my favourite moisturiser- such simple gifts but treasures because I didn't have to ask. He just thought about what I might like and got them. Best Christmas presents ever.

Put some thought in! To say you're not good at buying presents is a bit of a cop out if I'm being totally honest, just means you can't be bothered to put the effort into thinking and want the giver to do the planning for you!(sorrybif that's a bit brutal, your heart sounds in the right place!)

[StuntGirl]

Hmm well she's obviously not against presents herself then, or against buying 'things'. I would stop asking her, as clearly she's not going/able to tell you. I would listen out for clues; does she mention needing new running shoes, a book that had a good review that she might like, is she running out of her favourite perfume, are there any gigs/concerts/shows she shows an interest in?

If not then just get her something of your choosing and don't worry about whether it's 'right'. If she mentions not liking it later on she's a bit if a cheeky mare tbh. If you're worried about buying something she won't really appreciate could you do something else, such as cook a special meal for her, bake or make her something?

[Jinsei]

My DH hates presents unless i get him stuff that he genuinely wants or needs. He is also from a different culture, where Christmas doesn't mean a great deal, whereas I'm more like you and love gift-giving at Christmas.

DH and I have been together for nearly two decades now, and it took me a while to get to this point, but I no longer get him gifts now unless there is something that I know he genuinely wants. The other years, I just don't bother. It seemed a bit alien to me at first not to buy him anything, but ultimately it's about respecting his wishes. Maybe you need to reconsider whether it is appropriate to buy anything more than a small token for your wife? At the end of the day, it sounds like the gift is more about your need to give than any pleasure that she may find in receiving.

Intercultural marriages can be hard. Sometimes you have to bend. :)

[BadLad]

Yes, that was me.

Next overseas trip is already planned. Will perhaps try a quick hot spring trip in the meantime.

[Vix07]

Badlad Was it you posting recently about your DW being keen on an overseas secondment?

Perhaps organising a special trip away might help assuage those itchy feet?

[BadLad]

For Christmas last year I got cufflinks, a Swatch, some suggestively-shaped sweets, a James Bond Blu-ray (requested), a cover for my kindle and a flashing light for my briefcase (for when I walk home in the dark).

[Arisbottle]

If she doesn't want gifts YABU to insist that she has them.

I can remember being with someone who loved buying presents and I hated Christmas and birthdays because of it

[StuntGirl]

What kind of things does she buy you?

[BadLad]

I can't help it, forever. I am a meticulous planner, and especially so about this, having not got ideas in the past.

Trills, poor choice of words, maybe. What I meant was that she had more than enough such scarves already, in her opinion, so she saw it as needless extravagance.

Whereyouleftit, you're right, she isn't being unreasonable in not being able to think of ideas. It's important to have a balance between asking for them but not to the point of it bacoming annoying nagging.

Cailin, I will indeed end up doing that as a last resort. I can do it without her suggestions, but it would nice to get her something she really wants as well.

Really appreciate everyone taking the time to reply.

[chris481]

I am an Economist subscriber, there I learned that the custom of giving presents destroys economic value. The value placed on presents by the recipients is less than the cost to the givers. For this reason, money is generally the most sensible gift.

I don't think people who have enough to buy what they want should be given presents. In many societies that probably means buying for children only.

Personally, I would rather give a gift in cash of ten times what is considered appropriate value than endure the torture that would be involved in choosing and procuring a "good" present. Women I've known who like the idea of presents have no idea of the stress and suffering this expectation imposes.

[DontmindifIdo]

Well then, perhaps you need to make it clear that this year, you'd like to get her something she doesn't need but would like. That this year, you want to get her something that isn't practical, that she couldnt justify getting herself, but will like.

Mind you, don't listen to me, I'm going to ask for an armchair for our living room and some new caserole pots, really need to think of fun things for next year...

[Trills]

Presents should always be things that you don't "need".

If you "need" something and you can afford it then you should just get it, not have to wait for Christmas or a birthday.