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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to lose my temper with ds because he has done badly in his exams

34 replies

GeorgeEliot · 04/02/2012 20:40

he is blaming it on not having enough time to revise last weekend, because we went out to lunch at friends.

I pointed out that he managed to find the time to play on the X-box.

He is nearly 13. It is hard for me to empathise, because I was very bright at school, and never struggled academically.

Feeling guilty now.

OP posts:
SenoritaViva · 04/02/2012 20:45

I'd say the best thing to do is to help him organise his time better and get in the habit of having a balanced life (bit of lunching, bit of x boxing and a bit of revising).

It's also all about knowing your child and which ones will respond to which characteristic. My parents put no pressure on me when I really needed them to have high expectations and crack the whip but I had friends at school who put themselves under loads of pressure and they didn't need the pressure from their parents too. Find the right strategy for your son and how he responds best... and better to do this now that a few weeks before his GCSEs.

faintpinkline · 04/02/2012 20:46

I think you've answered your own question by saying you feel guilty. Sorry YABU. If it was an exam I assume it reflects a lot more than a little bit of revision on a Saturday afternoon. His understanding and effort over a period of time will be measured and if he never really understood the revision will make no change.

However, hopefully next time he'll put a bit more effort into his revision

troisgarcons · 04/02/2012 20:46

13? and this is an important exam? A life changing exam?

scottishmummy · 04/02/2012 20:47

It's not about you,or your abilities
It is about supporting your ds, and sensitively and tactfully managing situation
Without resorting to thinking wads right for you in your day

watfordmummy · 04/02/2012 20:52

Have to say if he is at a prep school then these will have been his mock common entrance, so yes important.

AgentZigzag · 04/02/2012 20:52

Has anyone taught him how to revise?

I just thought you had to read the stuff and remember it at his age and a bit older, which is of course impossible.

But nobody had told me how to get to grips with the overall content before going into specifics.

I would have done better had I known of spider diagrams!

thisisyesterday · 04/02/2012 20:53

of course yabu

i am, if i may say so, fairly intelligent. however, i suck big time in exams. I just am crap at them.
example: my a-level english coursework got the top mark in my year. my exam results earned me a fucking D!!

it wasn't that I didn't know it, or didn't work hard... i just go to pieces in exams and forget stuff and can't write.

DoMeDon · 04/02/2012 20:54

YABVU

OrmIrian · 04/02/2012 20:57

" It is hard for me to empathise, because I was very bright at school"

Well, learn to!

Same as you, bright and determined at school, did well. But my kids are not me. They have other qualities that I didn't. DS1 is 15 now and doing his GCSEs and i accept that every exam is going to be a struggle but musical. DS1 is 8 and struggles with basic maths and hand-writing but does fantastic and precise drawing. DD is my clone at school but prettier and more confident.

Don't expect your child to be like you. Apologise and talk to him about it.

Pachelbel · 04/02/2012 20:58

Support him to find strategies to manage his time better rather than lose your temper with him, although I think you know YABU as you say you feel guilty.

I've always been a bit like your DS (as I sit here MNing rather than doing my own essays!) but my mum shouting at me Never Ever helped.
Over the years I've learnt that time management is important and I now know how much time I can waste procrastinating before I need to buckle down!

He's only 13, with a little support in the right direction, he'll get there :)

tralalala · 04/02/2012 21:00

If he had done fuck all work despite you reminding him I would be annoyed or 'disappointed' (oh I hated that as a kid). If he has worked and done badly then I would look at why.

I would say losing your temper will do no one any favours.

Rhinestone · 04/02/2012 21:03

This isn't a completely sarcastic question, but what do you think it will achieve?

And why didn't you stop him playing X-box? You're the adult.

Original poster
GeorgeEliot · 04/02/2012 21:03

I know IABU.

And I should not have lost my temper.

Just think he should be trying harder, and not making excuses.

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 04/02/2012 21:09

And is this exam important in the great scheme of things?

Original poster
GeorgeEliot · 04/02/2012 21:13

No they are not important exams, just school ones. So hopefully he will learn from the experience and try harder next time.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 04/02/2012 21:15

No in fact I hope you learn
To be less harsh
To be more supportive
You're the adult,supposed to be the emotional rock, not the how could you cold parent

meditrina · 04/02/2012 21:18

It's probably going to be important to get attitude to exams cracked now, before they are important ones.

I'd be far more cross about his not trying his hardest, rather than that he did badly. And if he's depending on a last-minute revision session the weekend before, then perhaps how hard he is working needs to be looked at in rather more depth.

Original poster
GeorgeEliot · 04/02/2012 21:19

Scottishmummy I know all that.

I know how I am supposed to behave as a parent. I am struggling because I have no empathy and I have let my son down because of it.

We have hugged and apologised to each other.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/02/2012 21:20

Please don't resort to telling your children how 'bright' you were in school, it's very subjective and means next to nothing. You sound as if your children are less valuable somehow if they aren't reflecting well on you... that is not their job. It's your job to be a parent and be supportive of them. People learn in different ways and different rates - find their way and encourage them.

Never, ever make it a competition that your children need to aspire to achieve what you have - you will LOSE and sooner or later will pay for what seems like minor sneering. :(

larks35 · 04/02/2012 21:20

At 13 your DS will need help and guidance when revising, did you give any of this? Think back to how you prepared for exams, even if you were bright I'm sure some constructive revision took place. When I was that age my mum or older siblings used to test me and set me questions to answer. Did anyone do this with your DS? If not then YABU in being angry with him but also unreasonable in expecting him to do this alone.

Original poster
GeorgeEliot · 04/02/2012 21:22

No, the point is that I never had to try at school - so I don't understand how to encourage him to try harder.

It is not a competition, I fully understand that, and I know very well what his strengths and weaknesses are.

But I cannot draw on personal experience with this particular aspect of parenting.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 04/02/2012 21:23

So what are you going to do? you can demonstrably be more rounded and less competitive by moderating your tone,praise more,thinking. Before you speak,take time,think of some praise

Some social time and fun stuff together that's not to do with school,or grades

Original poster
GeorgeEliot · 04/02/2012 21:24

Larks I gave him as much help as I could, given that I have to cook, clean etc. at weekends.

And the results showed - in the subjects where I'd helped him, he did a lot better. But there were huge chunks he did not revise at all - and those are where he did badly.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeorgeEliot · 04/02/2012 21:27

meditrina think you are right - last school report said something similar.

But how to motivate ds to work harder?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 04/02/2012 21:33

Try not comparing him to yourself
Your experience at school isn't his
Lose the weight of expectation that you may unwittingly exude,regardless of how effortless school was for you - it isn't relevant

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