To hold off breaking up until after Christmas?

[NoddyHoldersWig]

Just posted about this in relationships but I guess it's an AIBU one too.

Basically I want to split up with my boyfriend. He hasn't "done" anything wrong, I'm just not happy in the relationship.

What makes it difficult is that he has NO friends, NO hobbies, NO social life - nothing. His entire world revolves around me and his job (and his job is a minimum wage shop job, nothing he actually feels good doing). Without me his life would be work/sleep/work/TV/sleep/work etc etc . Depressing but I don't really see why I should compromise MY life just because his sucks. I know that sounds harsh and I do care for him but I want my own life to move on. There is no future in our relationship, we don't even see each other on Christmas day ffs. We're both going on seperate holidays next year and he's made it clear our holidays etc always will be seperate as he doesn't want to involve the kids. We've been together 3 years and nothing has progressed in all that time.

And of course, it's Christmas eve.

AIBU to wait until after the festive season and THEN break it off early Jan?? I don't want to wreck his Christmas and as he has no friends etc, me breaking up with him now certainly would wreck his Christmas.

[ImperialBlether]

But OP, I remember you posting about him a while ago. Didn't everyone tell you to dump him? Why didn't you? You wouldn't have this problem now if you'd done as we told you!

[slavetofilofax]

You have made your mind up to finish with him, all good.

YANBU to wait until after Christmas. That's what loads of people do. I did when I split with my ex of 7 years who I have 2 children with.

January is a very busy time for divorce solicitors for a reason.

[OleaAndMarge]

Sounds like my ex, he was on match.com the day after we broke up.

Leave him, you're well shot.

[Nanny0gg]

How did you get together in the first place?

And if he's happy to use dating sites, then he isn't going to wind up alone (initially at least) is he?

Just withdraw.

[yellowraincoat]

Noddy, if his kids and he don't have a good enough relationship to spend one day together, maybe he could work on that this Christmas. My family does this, we eat together and they watch telly the rest of the day. Why not explain to him that HE needs to sort his own life out, including his relationship with his kids, instead of relying on you?

[pinkyredrose]

Replied to your other thread, after seeing more info on this one though I would say def dump him. As you say it sounds like he needs 'someone' whether it's you or someone else.

Honestly I would just tell him, make it quck and to the point, I wouldn't just go cold and cease contact and hope he gets the message, that's confusing for him and also means you don't have a 'cut off' point. It's best that you set him free and look forward to the future, you don't seem look forward to spending any time with this man at all.

Really I would just call him now and tell him it's not working, also it'll give him time to get a refund on any pressies he's bought you.

Seriously though, I wouldn't go through the festive period on false pretences, it's not fair on him and it'll stress you out. Sounds like he'll be on PoF by tonight anyway!

[LydiaWickham]

dump between Christmas and new year, you've got Christmas out of hte way, but you don't have to spend NYE with him and you can start 2012 without this hanging over you.

Good luck!

[xmasmummytobe]

If you aren't spending Christmas together anyway then I'd wait until you next see him. I wouldn't wait until early January, I don't think it's fair as well intentioned as it is. If you know you don't want to be in a relationship with this man then why put up a pretence for a couple of weeks, there is never a good time to end a relationship.

I'd hate to think that someone stayed with me over Christmas and New Year out of sympathy/convenience/guilt/good intention, which he'll probably work out when you do end things, as a 3 year relationship doesn't tend to just end suddenly. It would put a bigger dampner on this time of year than it would if I'd just been dumped outright. That's my honest opinion but ultimately you know him best.

[SantasENormaSnob]

Dump.

[Icelollycraving]

Well I'd just withdraw a bit,skype for a few mins on Christmas day & then say you must get on,so busy,you are really missing out. Then tell him soon but don't keep any presents.
I was dumped on boxing day years ago. I was only about 19 & tbf I was kind of sympathy dating him. Oh the irony when he finished it in front of his friends & I cried. I'd actually wiped it from my memory until this thread! :o

[Lovemygirls]

I wouldn't wait I'd get it over with, you deserve more.

[NoddyHoldersWig]

It is bringing me down Schnarkle. When I do go out with my friends I see these good looking blokes, full of life, happy, confident, ready to grab life by the balls so to speak - and then I think of DB sat at home watching darts waiting for me to text him. I does bring me down.

[Schnarkle]

Is this what you want in 10/ 15/ 20 years for yourself?

There will be no fabulous holiday or life together as the rut will be well established by then and there will always be more excuses.

Sad faces aren't what you would be using in posts if this was a good situation for you, the whole thing sounds like it is bringing you down.

[etJeviensEntretesReindeers]

You or he only need feel angry if you don't move on - if one of you blames the other or resents the other for holding them back etc. Honesty is the best policy. You know how you feel and what you need to do, so be bold and do it, don't wait for him to give you permission.

[etJeviensEntretesReindeers]

Maybe it suited you for a while to have this level of non commitment, too - but you are allowed to move on. Tell him gently, if you must explain, that you want a relationship that's going somewhere NOW - you can't wait ten years. You're ready to move forwards. And you don't think he is.

So it's best if you go your separate ways.
No one needs to be angry or feel used, perhaps you were happy like this for a while. You've changed now. That's Ok.

[NoddyHoldersWig]

I know, I know I think he has aspergers though, all the signs are there so I'm torn between thinking "he's using you!!" and "He doesn't realise he's doing it".

Soft shit, aren't I

[NoddyHoldersWig]

He doesn't have that though SecondComing, his only family are his mum and dad and they'll just have a go at him about getting involved in dead end relationships - no support, just lectures. And he's back at work on the 27th.

[Schnarkle]

Just don't skype him on Christmas. As you say you're not his entertainment source when all else is unavailable. FFS think about your own life and happiness. He sure isn't putting your feelings first is he?

[Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit]

In the nicest possible way, do you honestly think it'll ruin his christmas?

Or will he be on Plenty of Fish by Boxing Day?

Don't waste your 30's on him, you could meet someone great in 2012, if that's what you want. Or he could stop you moving on in life...hanging onto him is putting your own life on hold. And he's not even that into you.

What a waste!

[etJeviensEntretesReindeers]

Don't tell him anything. Thats the number 1 rule of breaking up. Just go quiet, disappear, detach, withdraw. Gradually. If he notices, let him ask, then you can say, well actually.....

if he doesn't notice then just carry on doing your own thing.
There is no need to tell him yo're breaking up. Let him figure it out. It's not cruel not to tell him, it doesn't sound like he has any investment in it anyway.

[etJeviensEntretesReindeers]

I haven't seen the other thread but it occurs to me that if you just log off or go invisible on your skype/FB/messaging service, (sorry luddite here, I don't use fb etc) he won't be able to talk to you anyway.

Which will make it even easier.

I wish the blokes I'd been out with were this easy to shake off.

[NoddyHoldersWig]

To be honest etJev, I've been hoping to catch him going after other women just to give me an excuse. I'd love it if he made no fuss, even better would be for him to break it off with me. I just wish he would but that won't happen because he's too comfortable with it all.

Yes Sausage, he wants to go on holiday with me in 10 years time. Jesus I'll be in my 40s by then. The 10 years in between I'm just expected to sit here and age like a bottle of wine.

I want to tell him tonight but it's Christmas eve I feel so guilty.

[FetchezLaVache]

WTF, after 3 years he won't have anything to do with your kids, goes on holiday on his own and talks about moving in together when your kids have left home??

He sounds crap and you don't owe him a relationship. YADNBU to want to end the relationship and tbh, I don't think I'd let Christmas stand in my way if I were you. If the only reason you're not seeing him on Christmas Day is his frankly bizarre need to keep a distance from your children, IMO he doesn't really deserve that kind of consideration (or am I being a bit harsh?) Read your other thread- I think it's a good idea not to accept any presents from him or offer them back so he can get a refund.

[DoMeDon]

I would have a proper chat with him. Tell him how you genuinely feel. Including the hard to hear bits. I wouldn;t wait till after xmas either. It is just a day and it sounds like he's choosing to have a shit one anyway.