not to take DSs back to school for their evening performances?

[letmehelp]

The performances are one year group at a time. Each year does 2 shows, one afternoon and one evening. I will be going to the afternoon ones on two consecutive days. I have been asked to advise the school if DC will be attending the evening ones.

-The performances are 45 mins long. I will have to take both DC, leave one and take the other one home, then set off approx 30 min later to go and collect the one who's performing.

-Both nights clash with regular out of school activities

-DC have both said they don't want to go to the performances

-They are both singing in the chorus, no spoken or main part etc

Usually I do make every effort to get them to school things - we all spent 3 hours gardening there last weekend! but this seems like hard work for little benefit and they both feel strongly that they don't want to go. And the school have asked if they'll be there i.e they've given a choice?

I do feel a bit guilty that if everyone takes there same view the chorus will be severely depleted for the evening shows though.

[4madboys]

it does, he is lovely actually, he phoned me yesterday as i had an issue i wanted to talk about and whilst on the phone baby dd fell and split her gum open, blood everywhere and screaming baby, i just got 'got to go bye' and hung up on him! when i collected the boys from school that afternoon he came up to see me and to ask if the baby was ok :) really nice of him :) anyway all plays are over now!! just parties, santas grotto etc to go next week and then the holidays

[jellybeans]

ah glad you have an understanding HT! Makes a real difference :)

[4madboys]

jellybeans i spoke to the HT about yesterday and he said its not a problem he understands its difficult for some people, said his own son couldnt attend his one last year! i have managed to sort a lift for ds3 to go to his one tonight tho :) that willl piss off sil who is visiting but thats a whole other aibu...

[callmemrs]

I think on balance, given that staff will have put a lot of work in, that you should go. I think its also important for children to understand that sometimes these things require effort and commitment. I can understand them not being hugely keen to go as you're seeing the afternoon performances, but frankly if a lot of the children took this view then it would spoil the performance for all those other parents who have booked evening tickets. Apart from anything else, the show is clearly a sell out with limited places (you mention restriction on tickets) so no doubt some of the evening audience wont have been able to get afternoon tickets. It's hardly fair if the evening shows then end up being inferior.

Children need to learn about sticking at things. Its only two shows- it worn hurt to make the effort.

[jellybeans]

4madboys I don't blame you at all. My situation was simelar and I didn't feel bad at all for not being able to go-why the hell should I, it's not school hours? We have so much stuff on in the evening-work aswell as kids stuff sometimes!! Not everyone works in the day!! Ours always clashed with yearly awards night at guides and end of guides party-didn't see why DDs should miss that unless they wanted to!! It's good your school is understanding, ours were told they HAD to attend!! I always told the teachers in advance that we couldn't make it in the evenings although they have attened those we could make. One teacher told DD she HAD NO CHOICE but to attend even though she had no part! Hmm if it is out of school hours it should be optional.

[BetterTogether]

Do you have any family that could help out at all?

I have this issue with DD on Monday. I'm going to the afternoon performance with DS (2) and then my Mum is going to take DD back to the evening performance and stay to watch it. Unfortunatly even though evening performance at 6pm, DH doesn't get home til 6.30 so he won't be able to watch it.

Realise not everyone is so lucky to have family nearby to help out though. DD also has swimming after school that afternoon...she's adamant she wants to fit that in between the two performances as well. I'm going to have one very tired 5 year-old on my hands by the end of next week!!

[startail]

I need a 3 way fence.
Yes they have rehearsed, yes the evening parents deserve a good show.
But a whole school is not something you choose to be in. My DD missed her guide party every year because she is also in a choir and the final Xmas rehearsal always clashed. She'd mutter, but singing is an important part of who she is and she chooses to go to choir. The OPs sons don't choose to be in the play and may feel very differently about missing their usual activity.
I'm not sure that school can assume priority over everything else outside school hours.
Driving backwards and forwards for short event is an expensive total and utter PAIN, apart from being expensive and wasteful.
I do a great deal of it because school, choir and music lessons are 3 miles away in a village with absolutely nothing to do.
A nice warm class room would be great.

[mummytime]

At DCs school: the dates are published by about 1/2 term, but exactly which performances your DC is in may not be informed until a week before. People with main parts commit they can do all performances (although they sometimes have trouble with kids who also have parts in the local Panto, and aren't supposed to do both). All others are in year group scenes. They are divided into two groups so only 1/2 of each year group have to be there each night, although year 6 tend to be there for all performances.
However my own DD may not make her second evening performance, as no-one will notice her absence from the group scene, and she was upset after last night's performance, it just isn't worth it if she doesn't enjoy it (my older ones always did even if they weren't doing much). It also means I can make an important meeting at an older DCs school.
If it is a minor role and they don't mind, then I think the OP is fine not to take them.

[manicinsomniac]

In the OP's case it does seem to be a bit different if the children were given a choice whether to attend or not. But what an odd thing to do - we're doing a play, putting it on twice but you only have to come to one of them!?!? What if a child with a large part decides they don't want to go in the evening?

Also - 4 days notice is ridiculous.

Where I work it is expected that all the children in the year group will take part in their play but the dates are published at least a term in advance. That way, if a parent knows there is an unavoidable reason why their child can't take part, they say so and I suppose their child would be put with a year group who weren't doing a play that term (I'm not sure, it's never happened!!)

I can also see why it's annoying to have to take the kids home for half an hour and bring them back - so stupid, especially if you live miles away. Ours have tea at school, get changed and then we're about ready to start the performance.

[samandi]

2rebecca's answer is spot on IMO.

[samandi]

DC's were offered no choice about being involved, I didn't know about it and DC don't want to go.

I'd've been pretty pissed off it I was given no choice about performing in a school thing during the evening time. It's different if it's something they've signed up for, in which case of course they should go.

[exaspomum]

Don't worry about it. You're obviously supportive of the school usually and the school ought to accept that it is not necessarily the centre of you and your children's life. If it clashes with something else you're entitled to go to that.

[TheOriginalFAB]

I think you misunderstood me. I was saying surely you can let them miss one session of cubs for something that comes once or twice a year.

[WhoopsyLa]

shroeder ....DC don't know what's best or what they will learn or how important it is to learn that sometimes we do things for others....for the goup...the team. I bet you have a very narrow life if that's your attitude!

[schroeder]

Oh bugger off with the lazy, why should she make an effort if the dc do not want to go and they were never given the choice not to do it!

[4madboys]

thats ok if you can take the younger sibling to the performance but in my case you cant. so i would have to walk 45 mins with the little ones in tow, then wait OUTSIDE somewhere for the hour of the performance give or take ten mins and then walk 45mins home. why would i do that and what am i supposed to do outside for an hour with two small children both full of cold?

if you can sort it out with a partner/husband so one can watch the children then thats great and what we have done in the past, but this year dp is working and he is not allowed to ask for/book any time off in december so he gets his shifts and that is it, end off. he cant say 'oh actualy my kids have a play at school i need time off' there simply isnt the option which either means i sort a lift for them if i can, not possible this time. or i take the little ones to get them there and then wait outside as the little ones arent allowed at the evening performance. no i wont wait outside in the cold/rain for an hour with two small children just so my child can sing in the school play.

[WhoopsyLa]

That's right kveta that's what we do and what most do...it' beyond lazy to not turn up at all.

[Kveta]

I don't understand why you and your DH can't go to a performance each? So one afternoon, you go, evening your DH goes with the child who is performing, you stay at home with child who isn't. Next day, reverse the roles. This is what my parents did when we were younger and spare tickets for siblings weren't available. It's only for 2 days, not months of comittments.

[fuckityfuckfuckfuck]

YABU. My dd had her play yesterday evening and again tonight. I had to walk 20 minutes through pissing rain, with a grumpy tired 3 year old in tow to get her back there, having only half an hour after school to get her fed quickly before heading back, and then wait an hour for it to start. But it was worth it, every single child put in a lot of effort for this play, so the least their parents can do is take them there and let them perform with their friends.

[4madboys]

actually our school fayre which has always been after school and a great event, very popular (maybe the bar has a part to play in that!) is supposed to being moved to be within school hours, this is the new HT idea, i think its cos he lives MILES away from school and doesnt like having to stay late (the summer fayre finishes at about 6:30-7pm) there has been uproar from parents and the pta as everyone wants it to stay the time it is from 3:30-6:30pm with a bbq, a bar and loads of stalls etc, its a hUGE money raiser for the school, there is no way it would raise the same amount of money if it were just in the day during school hours.

but you can take siblings to a fete, it can be a whole family event. with a play there is the issue of childcare (no-one locally to look after the little two) and there are just more practical issues that sometimes can be sorted, and other times cannot.

[schroeder]

YANBU I had years of this, thankfully ds is now at secondary and does not have to take part in the play. At our primary children have to be in the play, they rehearse for weeks whether they want to or not.

ds always hated it, he only ever stood at the back pretending to sing and looking embarrased.

I did not take him along for the evening performance, why would I?

I think there is too much importance put on the nativity, too much time and effort taken away from the children's actual education. In the run up to christmas things like homework and reading books being changed all go by the wayside. Surely it should just be a bit of fun for those who want to take part?

[vixsatis]

Not to make them turn up for the evening performancegives your children a bad message. They are part of a team. They need to do their bit for the team even if it is not prominent or glorious and even if they don't want to do it.
YABVU

[WhoopsyLa]

I have never heard of a school that doesn't do an evening performance....it's the same with fetes and fairs....they happen AFTER school. A school is part of a community and sometimes that means going there after normal hours...especially if the activity is a celebration or learning event.

People shock me with their non-committal moaning. And people wonder why the sense of community is dying in this country!

[4madboys]

free tickets here but limited numbers, i think max you can apply for is two and children have to have a ticket, younger siblings not allowed at certain perfomances etc. which is fine but the fact that some performances are in the evenings and i have a partner who works shifts and 4 other children including a baby and toddler means its just not feasible to always get to these things. so far one year i did walk, another they got a lift, but this year i havent been able to make arrangements and tis just clashed badly with other things happening so they arent going. they are still doing 2 afternoon performances each and a dress rehearal that parents can also go and see, so out are participating i most of the performances which my kids school is fine with!

and yes we will be asked to buy prog, raffle tickets etc oh and drinks/biscuits etc.

i think its great that they put on afternoon and evening performances and the dress rehearsals to give parents the maximum chance of attending but our school understands that not all children can attend the evening performances.

my ds1 is at high school and there is only ONE performance, which is tonight he will go along and perform as he is a playing the guitar, luckily the school is close and he can make his own way there and back as dp is at work and i ahve to look after the younger 4. unfortunately i wont be able to go see him perform, last year i went as dp was at home, i just took 3 day old dd with me

[letmehelp]

No, free tickets here