AIBU to think not getting married for THESE reasons is daft?

[Wamster]

OK, from the off I must say that I can understand precisely why marriage is not for everybody.
People may not want to even live with another person and, truly, I think that is reasonable and perfectly acceptable. I really do see that monogamy isn't everybody's cup of tea. And from the threads here, I can honestly say that some people are better off single and would be happier that way.
In fact, the cult of monogamy most definitely does not suit everybody.
I also understand that if two people cohabit, there may not be the desire (for whatever reason) to legally tie themselves to one another other than the ways that they wish to tie themselves together e.g. a joint mortgage.
If they wish to have legal ties at all, of course. Perhaps some people actively want the ability to leave without any hassles. And I think that is perfectly OK and reasonable.
Last, but not least, I fully understand that marriage does not always mean a good relationship and that cohabitation can bring a good and rewarding relationship. I understand this very well.

Basically, all the above are, imo, good reasons for not wishing to marry, however, not getting married because of:
a, It's historical background of religion and belonging to a man.
What's that all about? I mean, marriage is surely just a legal contract and what the couple 'do' with the marriage is up to them?
I know that the legal contract of marriage has a lot of implications, but it doesn't seem to be the legal implications that put people who cite 'historical' side of marriage as reason not to marry off (which would be understandable) . No it's the historical stuff.
Surely nobody has to become a traditional wife upon marriage anymore. Nobody has to have a religious element. In fact, only a third of all marriages that take place today have a religious element.
The number of weddings I've attended that take place in hotels is testament to that fact.


b, Because of a dislike of weddings.
Surely nobody has to have a wedding? Why not just go down the register office on a quiet tuesday morning and do the deed? I just don't understand why not wanting to be 'given away' etc would put people off marrying if marriage meant something to them. If you really want to get married, you do the wedding your way, don't you?

Just seems daft to me to have these two things as reasons not to marry. AIBU?

[attheendoftheday]

So your problem is with your friend's lack of protection? YANBU on that account.

But YABU to equate this with every couple who choose not to get married for whatever reason they like.

[DoMeDon]

They are her reasons. I think she is being naive but that's up to her. I hope he never runs off with his secretary - she'll be very hard up.

[TandB]

I never really understand why people are expected to have any reason for not getting married.

Surely "not married" is the default position, given that getting married actually involves taking action to change your situation?

I don't see that anyone need actually formulate any reason at all for not being married, whereas those who choose to marry probably do have some sort of reason for doing so. And I wonder how many of those get married for historical/traditional reasons?

[Gotarty]

Failing to sort out finances is different though. I know married couples where the woman is at home looking after the dcs and the man earns all and keeps all. She can't earn enough to pay child care and he refuses to share the burden - I have no idea why she stays with him - he seems to value money above everything [hsad]

[DoMeDon]

FWIW - if she is a friend could you not have mentioned the financial situation she is in? Or is she one of the 'it will never happen to me' brigade?

[slavetofilofax]

Your friend is making up excuses if she is coming out with stuff like that.

Sounds like he is the one that doesn't want to get married, not her.

[usualsuspect]

We never got married because we didn't want to and didn't really see the point

No big deal

[Wamster]

I don't know. It's just that I think that not wanting to get married for historical reasons is not relevant in today's world where things, thankfully, have changed for women.
Sure, not getting married for all the reasons I said in opening post is fair enough.

[attheendoftheday]

Could you suggest to your friend ways of making herself more financially stable without getting married? Putting name on to the house deeds and mortgage, getting wills, money in a joint account? Or if her DP won't agree then she could make sure she has the skills and experience so that she could get a job if she needed to in an emergency?

[Wamster]

She knows the potential implications of her situation should things go wrong. She accepts that, well that is her choice, perhaps she wants to be able to get away scot-free (can't see how they can just go their own way with no fuss with children, though). It's the 'historical' bit I don't get.

[reelingintheyears]

attheendoftheday
Seems like a good idea.

And if he doesn't want to,

Well..

[Rugbylovingmum]

DP and I aren't married and don't intend to ever get married, we have been together for 15 years and are happy as we are. I don't have anything against marriage (and if it had been important to DP I would have agreed) I've just never seen any pressing reason to do it either. The weird thing is lots of people seem to find it a bit odd and want to know what I have against marriage and push me for answers. I don't know why I need a 'good reason' not to get married - when my friends get engaged I don't ask them to justify their decision with some 'good reasons'. Some people won't accept that I've just never felt any urge to get married and a few even seem to think that I am somehow belittling their wedding/marriage by not wanting one myself . The answers your friend gave are the kinds of things I might have said if I was getting fed up of someone asking me and just wanted them to stop going on about it - has it maybe come up more often than you've realised?

[colken]

You talked about mongamy. Is your friend's partner already married? If so, her financial position is really dire. Is the father's name on her children's birth certificates? To get anything for them, she will need proof that they are his.

[Hullygully]

The 'historical' bit is hardly that hard to get.

Brides are still "given away"

They take their husband's name (as the norm)

They often still promise to obey (unless actively choosing different wording)

I think you are being just a little disingenuous.

[Wamster]

Sorry, attheendoftheday, that sounded a bit flippant of me. I agree that your ideas are very sensible. She doesn't, though. I felt it my duty as a friend to point out the pitfalls when the topic came up (in a non-judgey way) but you can lead a horse to water and all that.

[Wamster]

Hullygully.
No bride has to be given away. I wasn't.

No bride is obliged to take her husband's name

I did NOT promise to obey my husband.

All these things are optional; at heart, marriage is a legal contract.

[reelingintheyears]

Are brides still given away in registry offices?

Ages since i went to a wedding!

[attheendoftheday]

Just because it isn't relevent to you doesn't mean everyone has to agree with you. I'm not comfortable with the history of marriage and I choose not to get married. But I couldn't give a flying fuck what anyone else does. Free choice and all that. If friends get married then I'm happy for them as they're doing what makes them happy.

[Wamster]

No he has never been married. His name on birth certifcates.

[TandB]

But why are some reasons "fair enough" and others silly?

Why does anyone need a reason NOT to go out and make all sorts of arrangements to tie themselves legally to another person?

We have all sorts of vague, half-formed answers available for people who press us on why we don't get married, but I wouldn't say any of them are reasons as such. We've just never had the urge to go running off to get married.

[Hullygully]

No, Wamster. But those practices continue EVEN THOUGH they are not obligatory. Because the historical freight is heavy.

[ZeldaUpNorth]

I'd love to marry dp, but only if we could go in, sign the documents then come back out. We can't afford/dont want a wedding but also dont want to do the vows as we are both really really shy. Saying that we've been together 11 years lived together all that time too, have 3 dd's but are still not "engaged" lol.

[Hardgoing]

Hully, no you don't have to do any of those things. I have the same name as before, wasn't given away by anyone (we walked into the room together) and as for obey, are you having a laugh? I haven't heard anyone promise to obey in any of the weddings I've attended in the last twenty years.

I don't mind if people don't get married, though, it's up to them.

[Wamster]

Well, I think there is no reason why a bride can't be 'given away' in a register office, if that is what she wants.

[Wamster]

But you can ZeldaUpNorth, or, rather, there is no legal/offical reason why you can't just pop into the register office and sign the forms.