To be sick and tired of DS (8) acting like a grumpy teenager?

[grumblinalong]

He was sorting sweets into bags for lucky dip for his school project tomorrow. He asked if he could eat a chocolate button, I said 'Yes but only one as I am making hotdogs for tea in a minute.' (We've got a school open evening to attend at 5pm so will do them a healthier supper).

I walked back out of the kitchen and his mouth is FULL of chocolate buttons and he is smirking. I calmly told him to put the sweets away as I told him he could only have one and if he won't listen to me he can't do what he wants. This is pretty trivial I know but incidents like this happen daily, he doesn't listen EVER and he will not take responsibility for anything. Even if he is doing something blatantly wrong it's not his fault, it's someone else. He has had a warning & been shouted at at school today for not listening too.

He proceeded to storm off to his room, stamping his feet and is now trashing the room. He is 8 years ffs, not 15. He kicked off this morning with DH on the way to school saying it was DH's fault that he hadn't done his homework. I fully expected teenager ish behaviour but not this early on. AIBU to stop him going to the school disco this week? I am at the end of my rope as I have 4 month DD who is constantly feeding as she is having a growth spurt and 3 year old DS2 to cope with too. Grrrrrrrerrrrrrrrrrrr. Sorry for the vent

[bucketbetty]

My DS is 9 and has really vile temper tantrums. He trashed my room at the weekend when I was ignoring his tantrum (I was on my bed reading my book), I simply sat and watched him (what's a single parent to do!). When I did nothing he very calmly said "I suppose I better pick all this up" (he'd emptied the dirty washing everywhere). I'm afraid I get nowhere with my DS if I respond to his tantrums. If I try to send him to his room, he comes out repeatedly and yells or makes noises so loud, I'm sure the neighbours must think I'm murdering him. For the most part my DS is adorable and he gets on well with others, and other times (mostly in private with me) he's a little so and so. I'm just glad I'm not alone - sorry that's probably not much help OP.

[grumblinalong]

Stranded - just gave him the privacy is a privilege line and he said ' Yes take it off.' aaargh

moonshine your post makes loads of sense will read it properly when I get back cos got to go to school now.

Thanks everyone.

[ElaineReese]

I have a fourteen year old who doesn't really do this - but a ten year old who's been doing it for years.

I have no answers. But I sympathise.

[moonshineandspellbooks]

What was he like before your 4-month DD was born? Is he feeling insecure and attention seeking maybe?

I could be completely off base here, so apologies in advance if I am and if I upset you, but a friend of mine was having similar problems with her 9-year-old DD.

The problem was that my friend was run ragged and as a result had slipped into a pattern of ignoring good behaviour but always criticising bad behaviour. When her DD did as she was asked, things happened as they were supposed to so didn't get remarked on as my friend was mentally trying to plan a, b and c while also carrying out x, y, and z. Her DD doing as she was told meant she could carry on with all this multi-tasking and therefore just didn't notice that her DD had done as she'd asked, let alone if she'd done it well. Whereas if her DD misbehaved it interrupted what she was doing and forced her to take notice, resulting in a reprimand, etc. It set up a negative downward spiral with her DD feeling like she couldn't do right for doing wrong and actively misbehaving just to get attention, which resulted in harsher and harsher punishments which just made things worse not better.

Could this be what's happening in your house? If your 4-month-old is constantly feeding it must mean you literally don't have enough hours in the day and you're probably still massively sleep-deprived. Chuck in a three-year-old as well and a stroppy 8-year-old and many people would be going insane. This is NOT a criticism; it just means that you have too much to handle right now and you need some help finding a way to make it all work that's going to benefit your DC without requiring super-human powers from you.

How much help is your DH? Will finances allow some childcare to give you a bit of a break? My friend adopted a very simply approach where she didn't stop criticising bad behaviour (because the boundaries should be enforced) but she made a point of trying to find things to praise throughout the day. Initially she was praising really silly little things (because her DD's behaviour had become so bad she'd never have got any praise at all), but it soon built up to more significant things. She also made a point of giving her DD her completely undivided attention for an hour each week. It took a few weeks to really see a difference and there are still some problems but things are vastly improved.

If all this is a load of super-nanny-esque bollocks and doesn't reflect your life at all as far as you're concerned, have my sympathies anyway because it sounds really tough for you. I hope things improve soon.

[grumblinalong]

I know ,he is boundary testing, he got 2 new sisters in the space of 6 days (ex had a baby with his new dp 6 days before DD came along) so I was prepared for issues. I worked so hard over summer to show him boundaries, show how loved he is, talk to him about his feelings etc (part of my job means I deliver positive parenting (unbelievable I know) so I've used all the techniques I know) but I really don't feel like I'm getting anywhere and I'm just so tired. It's the rage I can't deal with. It scares me how angry he gets.

[cardibachFalchoFodynGymraes]

Some children really do struggle with temper grumblinalong . It's worth persevering now while you are still bigger than him . Depressing though, I'm sure.

[Hardgoing]

I don't have the answers, but I do have a grumpy 8 year old myself. It is just boundary testing, but it is constant, and I do get tired of it (everything is either argued back, negotiated, grumpy, blaming others and so on, never just what I've asked). I think you just have to keep re-establishing those boundaries, but I can understand how wearing it is.

[grumblinalong]

scaredbear I told him that was a yellow card (we have a yellow card, then red card system) red card means no disco.

cardibach he has a horrible temper. The stamping of his feet drives me insane. It's really forceful.

Sorry typing one handed as feeding. Thanks for all replies.

[grovel]

Teens do "dumb insolence".
Your DS is just testing you. Not particularly abnormal IMO. He may be feeling a bit put out by the attention paid to DD?

[mumsamilitant]

Could he be a tad green eyed about the new arrival?

[cardibachFalchoFodynGymraes]

That's not really grumpy teenager, it's defiance and temper. Teens grump in a completely different way. You just need to be consistent about not accepting it. A banning from the school disco might well do him good!
Having said that, my DD went all grumpy at about 10, then started her periods and it stopped. She is rarely a stroppy teen (my extensive knowledge comes from teaching the little buggers), so it could be a hormone surge.

[grumblinalong]

Really? So this is not normal? Oh good god.

[GypsyMoth]

I have teens and find they don't act like that.... At all!