AIBU to let my secondary school (yr 7)child do his homework, Badly, by Himself. Warts and all.

[swanriver]

I've tried helping. It helps. He understands better what he has to do. He has developed confidence in his ability to write Good Stuff. He has worked out how to draw, how to budget, how to research, how to present projects. He has a better grasp of some topics than he otherwise might have had.

But, I can't go on helping him. Can I?

We've just finished budgeting a trip for Maths homework. I had to make him rewrite some of it as it was such a mess. I knew teacher would make comment "untidy work" , and he would shrug and think..I don't care, I can't do what they want...

Perhaps I should have just let him hand it in..

Would teachers give a child enough individual attention to actually turn their work around (rather than just grade his work), if I don't pay attention to it? Is it my responsibility to motivate him or the teachers?

[LostInTheWoods]

If a child is having problems doing something, how will they ever learn to do it right if you do it for them?

[CeliaFate]

Sigh. I don't do it for her. I teach her how to do it or improve on it.

I think it maybe the fact that I'm a teacher so I know how much "teaching" goes on once you've dealt with the faffing around looking for a pencil, the low level disruption from pupils who can't be arsed to be there, the additional needs' pupils who require a great deal of your time, the badly behaved kids who thump others who look at them funny, the going to the toilet etc. etc.

The harsh reality is that average ability, mainstream children do not always achieve their full potential. My job as a parent is to facilitate my child's understanding, skills and knowledge.

[woodleydoodle]

CeliaFate I understand your perspective, but I think that it is something that we will not agree on. It doesn't actually matter whether we do or not, of course. For what it is worth I think that many parents help too much with homework.

[woodleydoodle]

I am also a teacher.

[CeliaFate]

Let's agree to disagree. Has that ever been typed on an AIBU thread?

[GrimmaTheNome]

I tend to go with Scarahs approach of being available if help is requested.

The sort of things my DD appreciates help with are google searches for info (to try to find something other than wiki!) - I'm better at knowing what sort of query to try (hopefully she'll pick that up). With some subjects such as history and RE she often finds it quite useful to discuss the topic with me to help formulate ideas before writing them down - I'm quite pleased about this, she was very anti-RE last year but now in yr8 they are having some rather more philosophical ideas with no 'right or wrong' answer - the sort of thing where if you've not thought about it before then having someone as a sounding board/devil's advocate (or more likely, I have to play God's advocate ) is I think useful and valid.

[spiderpig8]

celia- why don't you teach your daughter using different tasks, and let her do her homework independently

[doctorcake]

In our house I helped DD in Yr7 with the larger projects that are set over four or five weeks, in that I monitored the research she did. I have seen grown men and women spend hours on google and still come up with a complete load of rubbish (I do a lot of research for my job and its an art form getting to information quickly and sifting through the rubbish to find the right stuff) and for a child this can be demoralising and ultimately teach them nothing. Up until the last ten years homework could be researched from the textbooks (provided by school) or in the library - a limited number of sources. Its a whole different world now. You try typing Shakespeare's life into google and working out what is relevant and what not. I teach her how to narrow down her searches and that she must not just copy and paste. Ultimately I am not telling her what to write but acting like a librarian would have in the past and recommending books/websites that might be useful.

[swanriver]

Doctorcake - I suppose that's what I find the biggest problem, research which is at a level ds can understand. Libraries have loads of books which are pitched right, the internet is really not nearly as good, unless it is very obvious topic.
Woodley I think Lancelottie 's point about the teacher not knowing what your child is capable of unless you, the parent, push them a bit, is worrying...it shows we do have to do the "individual tuition" or they might fall by the wayside..

I cannot remember my parents helping me with my homework at all primary/secondary/uni, although they were university graduates. There were serious gaps in my knowledge, and in my ability to write an analytical essay, which I don't think my teachers ever addressed. I wonder if my parents might have given me the shove I needed to stay on course. They had both been to boarding school and had no notion of "interfering" in homework, although they believed in an excellent education.

[bigTillyMint]

DD needed a lot of support with independent study skills and reassurance when she started in Y7. TBH I was despairing that she would ever be able to do it on her own, but by Christmas she was much improved and I am now "available for support" if necessary, but she does 99% without needing any input from me. She is in Y8 now!

[EssentialFattyAcid]

I don't agree with homework at primary age, but the school set it so it had to be done. My dd is dyslexic and as a direct result of this she is usually exhausted after school. At primary I did as much of her homework for her as I could. Dyslexic kids in my view should not have any additional work set after school. Any work done outside of school should be focused around improving basic skills if the school is not helping enough within the school day - as is sadly so often the case.

At secondary school I am with CeliaFate's approach. I give my dd one to one tutoring on how to interpret a question, how to research, plan and structure her work, and what she needs to do to pick it up a level. As she acquires these skills I will do less and less to help her. Children need individual attention to make good progress in these skills and that is simply not available at schools.

My parents did not have sufficient education themselves to help me with my homework once I got beyond primary school. I was an A grade student so I guess my own experience tells me that I can't have actually needed the help. However, my dd is motivated to try harder when she achieves higher grades with the benefit of my input, and her fragile confidence is also boosted.

Surely there is no one best approach - it's about knowing your own child, and also whether you yourself actually have the combination of knowledge, skills and patience that can help them. At primary age I didn't have what was required to help my struggling dyslexic child and had to try to buy apprpriate extra help for her, but now she is at secondary school I am an ideal resource for her.

[doctorcake]

EssentialFattyAcid absolutely right about different children need different approaches, my younger DS will not let me anywhere near his homework.

My DD has always struggled with fine motor skills so writing and typing are difficult and take a very long time, but this does not mean she is not as clever as those children who can do a 100 words per minute at the age of 10, but it puts her at a disadvantage for long projects. If I didn't help with the research element and gave her advice on what approach to take she would never see daylight. As long as I feel she is learning from her homework and steadily getting more confident in her abilities, then I will continue to help her. I am not doing her homework. If I took a completely hands-off approach with her I know her confidence would be in pieces by now and the teacher really wouldn't know what she could do at all.

[mouldyironingboard]

Someone I know completed her DD's homework including GCSE coursework. The school realised that the work wasn't original and commented that the work needed to be completed by the student without help!

I believe that parents should encourage, praise effort, ensure that there is sufficient quiet and space for homework to be completed. Other than that, children should just get on with it themselves.

[prettybird]

Ds is in P7 (=Y6) and does his homework on his own. We'll then check his Maths and Language homework. If there is an error, I'll say you've made (eg) 2 mistakes - and he has to look for them and correct them. I don;t tell him where they are and I don't re-check. So far, he's never said he's struggling at something - and the errors have always been careless ones that he is capable of correcting for himself.

This year for the first time he has had "Topic" homework, which involves him doing research and coming up with his own outputs. So, for example the topic this term has been Natural Disasters, their impact and how they can be defended against - up to him how he interprets that. He's expected to do a minimum of two pages per week. He's investigated American hurricanes, Icelandic volcanoes, Japanese earthquakes and this week it was Austrian Avalanches. We tried to help him, initially advising him on how to do the research but he wanted to do it all himself and refused to do the mind maps we suggested (which a previous teacher taught him to use) - but is now collating his ideas on a flip chart. The output is all his - and I think that is really important. The teacher needs to see what the child is capable of, not what the parents can do.

[gramercy]

CeliaFate - I am in awe of your involvement and help. To tell the truth I would love to give ds more of a hand - in the way you describe, suggesting this and that - but not all dcs are very receptive to help. "Do you need any help with your history?" may well elicit the response "Get off my case" from ds...

[Lancelottie]

Does 'completing GCSE coursework without help' rule out my method of standing over DS saying 'For Christ's sake stick it down and write about it!' while he mulls e-v-e-r s-o s-l-o-w-l-y about the exact placement of every picture in his Art folder?

Sadly it probably does, doesn't it? Ooops. He's ridiculously good at the actual art, but lacks any sense of time or urgency.

How about if I just pencil that on the top of every page and try to remind him to rub it out afterwards

[jigglebum]

I'm a secondary school teacher and I do think some year 7s in particular do need help with their homework at times. It is a big step up from primary school. I don't think parents should do homework for them but I do think they should take an interest in what they are doing, perhaps check that they have done what they should have (eg look at the planners and then at the work) and help them where they are genuinely stuck.

Teachers will never mind a note in the margin saying something like " I helped DS with this as he did not understand XYZ" The teacher then knows they need to go over it again but the pupil does not feel like they have failed their homework. I also would welcome a - "DS spent 20 mins on this" even if they have not finished. It is nice to feel there is a partnership between the school and home and most children like to feel their parents are interested in what they are doing. I recognise this will (and should ) decrease as the children go through the school system and parents should not actually do homework for their DCs.

If the pupils can't be bothered to do it, that is another matter- they deserve to be told off about it! I also recognise that some parents will not necessarily be able to help with everything - again a note in the planner or the exercise book that they tried but did not understand it is fine. They are only year 7 and it is a huge learning curve for them. The more support at this stage the better IMO.

[Henrythehappyhelicopter]

I put DS year 6 in my office with the door shut, no distractions and a timer.

I am a bit evil, but I find he gets on with it.

[woodleydoodle]

I think showing an interest, providing encouragement, praise, quiet, and carrots/less carroty things are cool. Task clarification is fine. Much more than that I'd write a comment on the work. If the work took much longer than the 'expected' time, I'd def mention. I'd view my very active participation to be (hopefully) constructive comments for the teacher. Unless child had a suspected/identified LD I wouldn't proof read/help identify spelling errors for example.

[Applegirl33]

The first two years at secondary school are not very important in my view. I've never taken any interest in homework - and they've done really well academically despite this (or because of it).

Let them relax and enjoy themselves. If they hand nothing in for their projects then so be it. Teachers need to get a grip and stop setting silly homework. A stressed, tired kid cannot learn - none of us can. Our memory disappears when tired. Adults do not expect to do detailed/brain intensive work in their evenings after a long day, so why should kids.

So relax, take it easy and then if they're not progressing by next Easter or summer, organise some intensive coaching/tutoring over the hols when they're less tired.

Concentrate on the basics - maths, reading and writing. Everything else can be crammed at a later date. Ours spent 3 years learning French at school but the results were very poor indeed. A week of one hour tuition per day over the Easter hols with a native French speaker and results were stellar.

To be able to learn kids need to be rested, fed and loved.

[notnowImreading]

My adopted brother came to live with my family aged nine, unable to read or write, very dyslexic plus having had a disrupted and difficult time. He had lots of help from school but the thing that helped the most was my mum's sheer bloody mindedness and helping/forcing him to do his homework until it was actually decent. He's at university now and it's a miracle. Parental help really helps. Maybe you could just help with the first bit then encourage at a distance for the rest if it's too much stress though - I do remember the battles every Sunday! He still loves my mum though.

[IHeartKingThistle]

Apple don't you think getting one message from school and one from home might not be the best idea?

The first 2 years at secondary school (although they are more relaxed than the others) are for building up their skills and reading lots. With the English GCSE so huge we now have to start it in Year 9, they need to be in the habit of working effectively and efficiently way before then. I applaud your sentiment but they're not going to feel very rested and loved if they're in detention every week for not doing their homework.

[mouldyironingboard]

The other thing that makes a huge difference with homework is having the time to complete it properly. Many children seem to be rushing to extra activities every night after school and are too tired to do homework.

[EssentialFattyAcid]

I have had to ban severely ration TV in order to create the time for all the homework
This has been an all round success

[sukysue]

Oh why do the schools do this to the poor kids? I think if he needs help then you should give it him. Next time you see any of his peers parents ask them about the homework . I bet if they are honest they will tell you the same about their kids homework all the best m'dear it gets worse!