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AIBU?

to think DD's father should book his wedding for when DD will be in the country instead of expecting me to fly her over!

66 replies

irrationafury · 12/10/2011 19:23

DD's father (she is the product of a ONS so X sounds wrong), lives in a different country, we are in the UK. She spends a lot of time over there (other european country), including a huge chunk of the summer holidays. She's 14.

He has booked his wedding for termtime and is expecting me to fly her out for it. I think that at the very least he should pay for the flights but he says he can't afford it(!) He is also saying she should be there for almost a week so she can spend time with relatives etc. This will involve her missing school.

I don't want DD to miss her father's wedding but AIBU to think he should've booked it for a time she'd be in the country or at the very least checked with me first?

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diddl · 12/10/2011 19:58

TBH, I would have thought that at 14 she´s old enough to see that you´re not trying deliberately to stop her.

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StewieGriffinsMom · 12/10/2011 20:06

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longjane · 12/10/2011 20:07

ring the BD mother and tell your cannot afford the air fare ...

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2rebecca · 12/10/2011 20:12

I find it bizarre that he expects you to pay for her to fly to his wedding. Often I think non-res parents get a rough deal, but here he is taking the piss. In general if my kids are on a holiday with my ex he pays, if with me I pay. This is your ex's holiday time. He should pay although I wouldn't be keen on them travelling abroad age 14 in term time anyway. He sounds thoughtless and financially mean. Age 14 your daughter is old enough to understand that she can't go because it's term time and her father won't pay her air fare for her so go on Friday night and come back Sunday.

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ZillionChocolate · 12/10/2011 20:12

I agree with Clam. I'd let her go if he clears it with the school and pays for, and makes her travel arrangements.

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ZombiePlan · 12/10/2011 20:13

Who normally pays for the flights - him, or you? Could you give your dd the option of choosing to go to the wedding (but only for a few days as its during termtime) or visiting for longer during the holidays, on the basis that only one set of flights can be afforded (by whoever normally pays for the plane tickets)? That way, you won't have to pay for extra flights and you hopefully won't be viewed as the villain of the piece by your dd.

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ScaredBear · 12/10/2011 20:15

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mummytime · 12/10/2011 20:15

Which month is this wedding? Because a 14 year old of mine could be sitting GCSE exams in: November, December, January, March, April, May or June. My DCs school would refuse for more than a day or two (and only that for a parents wedding), and would fine if a child missed exams for anything other than illness. Maybe you should make the head of year write to your child's father and explain how crucial this year is.
You can also sympathise with your child but make it clear, if she goes she doesn't get X (whatever present she wants for Christmas etc.) and all the other ways you have to economise to find the air fare, and that the school will not let her have more than 2 days off, and she will have to make up the work.

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2rebecca · 12/10/2011 20:16

that should have read he won't pay her air fare for her TO go on Friday night....
I hope you don't pay to fly her out for her other contact visits. I find it odd that you paying for her flights to see him even occurred to him.

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irrationafury · 12/10/2011 20:17

Thing is, I technically could afford the flights - not easily but I could. I just really object to doing so in this situation.

I usually pay for the flights but book them so far in advance they are pretty affordable.

I also paid for DD's father to come over for contact when she was younger. So he's probably got used to me funding it all. This is different though.

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2rebecca · 12/10/2011 20:17

You are either spineless or saintly.

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Minus273 · 12/10/2011 20:19

YANBU he is the one making it difficult.

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LydiaWickham · 12/10/2011 20:19

Tell her that you can't afford it, but you won't stop her if her Dad wants to arrange for her flights over. Point out that she'll need permission from school, and is unlikely to get more than 1-2 days off. Tell your DD she is 14 now, if she can arrange it all between herself and her dad, then you won't say no, but arranging it all includes the school permission.

Refuse to discuss it. Its not your wedding, so arranging her going over is part of her Dad's planning, if he wants her there, he'll step up.

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irrationafury · 12/10/2011 20:20

I have a spine, honest. I just really wanted DD to know her bio father. In the UK it's just me (no GPs), and a family is so important. She loves her family over there and TBH they have been amazing and so welcoming. Her GM paid for childcare for a long time so I could work. So although there isn't anything from her father and never has been, there have been contributions towards her.

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2rebecca · 12/10/2011 20:23

The GM's contribution puts a different light on things, although I do feel in principle he or his family should be paying for her to visit him, he isn't paying for anything else and he's had 14 years to earn money so he's hardly a feckless teenager.

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StewieGriffinsMom · 12/10/2011 20:28

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Kick2down · 12/10/2011 20:28

I would agree to arrange things with the school, having explained that this will be difficult and could involve a £100 fine. But tell him (and her) that you can't afford the plane tickets. She needs to understand that it's up to her Dad how much he wants to have her there.

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FabbyChic · 12/10/2011 20:28

I think you should compromise, it has to be Friday to Monday as the school most certainly would not give you permission to take her out of school for a week, and it isn't your fault he picked term time. Secondly he pays for the flights as you cannot afford it okay? You can't you can buy her something nice to wear but you can't afford the flights.

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saffron · 12/10/2011 20:32

It took me two weeks to get permission for DS to have ONE day of school for DH and my wedding (we would of moved the date if he couldn't of got the day off) and DS is 12 in yr 8 and goes to a special school and has severe C.P and severe learning difficulties.

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ZombiePlan · 12/10/2011 20:34

So this is a point of principle then - you object to being asked to pay for extra flights at short notice. TBH I do think you're being a little bit unfair to your DD here. You are trying to make a point to her dad, but your DD is the one who will suffer if she misses the wedding. And I get your point that this is different (by which I'm assuming that you mean the short notice will make the flights costlier) but then again it is different - it's not just a regular visit, it's a wedding.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like he can/will pay (although I agree that he should be contributing to her upkeep). So, given that you can pay, why not tell your DD that the flights can be her Christmas present or something like that.

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irrationafury · 12/10/2011 20:38

it's not the short notice. It's because it's in termtime, because it's being presented to me as a fait accompli and because he knows I will get DD there if I can. It's a total total pisstake. There's no reason I can see why he couldn't've arranged his wedding for when DD will be there anyway, or at the very least let me know first.

Or even asked instead of told.

I can pay but it will mean going short and DD and I wouldn't be able to take our usual xmas trip (as it's just the two of us we go away for xmas).

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irrationafury · 12/10/2011 20:38

saffron wow that's concerning. Right, probably, but concerning. I'd best ask the school tomorrow.

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Proudnreallyveryscary · 12/10/2011 20:42

I don't think she's being unfair at all zombie!
Dd's father has put you in a very awkward position, OP, and being terribly unfair.
I would definitely ask him to change the date, explain why calmly and succintly. And if he can't then, yes, it has to be only a 2 day trip and he has to pay!! He will have to budget for this and/or sacrifice some wedding cost to do so.

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ImperialBlether · 12/10/2011 20:43

No way. No bloody way.

He could have arranged the wedding at a different time - half term, Christmas, summer, whenever. His future wife's only just out of school herself so she should know that!

You should say you are not paying for it. You should ask the school and do exactly what they say - just say her father has asked for her to be there.

If she does go (if he pays) then you could buy her a new dress, though actually I think that's his job, too.

He is so fucking tight! I hope that FIL works his bony arse to bits.

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ZombiePlan · 12/10/2011 20:47

Yes - I totally see that all of that is really bloody annoying for you. It just seems odd, given how welcoming he and his family have been, that they would suddenly make it difficult for her to come to his wedding. Has he been planning the wedding for long, or is it a short notice thing? Are you sure that there aren't actual reasons why he can't do it during the holidays (e.g. do the venues get pricier to accomodate people marrying abroad)?

I just honestly think that if you can afford for her to attend her father's wedding, then she should be there. For her sake, if nothing else. But I would certainly be explaining to her that it'll be a financial struggle and will involve certain cutbacks (that she should feel, given that it's being done purely for her). If she still wants to go, I think I'd let her. I really think that now is a really bad time to make a point, given that you've paid for all flights (even his ) to date.