to think DD's father should book his wedding for when DD will be in the country instead of expecting me to fly her over!

[irrationafury]

DD's father (she is the product of a ONS so X sounds wrong), lives in a different country, we are in the UK. She spends a lot of time over there (other european country), including a huge chunk of the summer holidays. She's 14.

He has booked his wedding for termtime and is expecting me to fly her out for it. I think that at the very least he should pay for the flights but he says he can't afford it(!) He is also saying she should be there for almost a week so she can spend time with relatives etc. This will involve her missing school.

I don't want DD to miss her father's wedding but AIBU to think he should've booked it for a time she'd be in the country or at the very least checked with me first?

[2rebecca]

I disagree with inertia. I think that under 16 although kids should have a say in arrangements they are still children and the parents should sort things out between themselves not make children choose between them and get caught up in arguments.
In this case if the father wants his daughter to take time from school he should be the one asking the school if he can take her out (if the OP agrees this is a possibility) and he should arrange and pay for the air fares once he and the OP have agreed how long she can go for if the school agrees she can take a day or 2 off school. I mainly communicate with my kids' schools by email or phone so living in another European country is no excuse to wimp out of the organisational stuff.

[clam]

Call his bluff. Say it's not possible unless he wants to make it happen himself, explain to your DD and back off. Do NOT take the blame for it. If someone chucks you a ball expecting you to catch it and take responsibility, then drop it and don't pick it up. I bet he ( or someone close to him) will sort it.
This is not going to adversely affect your DD's relationship with her father's family if it's as warm and friendly as you say. There will be other times for her to go and see them. Just not in term time and ideally not at your expense, although I can see why you've been willing to do this in the past for your DD's sake.

[Inertia]

You don't need to be middleman! It's always the messenger that gets the blame.

Your DD and her father should be talking about this directly to one another.

[Inertia]

It isn't your responsibility to have to deal with this crap. Of course your DD's father is being unreasonable- at best very thoughtless and inconsiderate of both his daughter's education and your financial situation; at worst taking advantage of your generosity in a calculated manner. Yes, he should have arranged for the wedding to coincide with a planned visit. It sounds as though he regards you as a process by which his family gets to see DD, rather than a co-parent.

Between them, DD and her father should be looking at whether this is possible. He wants her there, she wants to go- it's their responsibility to clarify whether this is even possible given her exam schedule; it's his responsibility to finance it. Why on earth should you be financially stretched for the benefit of this man and his wedding?

You don't have to shoulder the blame for this. Don't put yourself in the position of being the bad guy here. If DD asks, tell her that she'll need to talk to her father about it as you cannot afford flights.

[irrationafury]

clam when I said "you think I am being a bit U and I accept that", it was in a reply to ZombiePlan's post. I hear that most people think IANBU.

But I am not sure what to do if he refuses to compromise other than say a blanket no or just do it. I need to decide before I tell DD.

[clam]

How have you deduced that people on here think YABU? I didn't get that impression. I would say most think you have a point but are trying to suggest ways of dealing with the situation.

[irrationafury]

I don't let her do anything like that - I probably do sound a drip but I'm not I promise. I just get so tired of being the 'bad guy' - because it's just us I do everything and right now that means i get the brunt of whatever is 'so unfair'. I'm the boring one, you know? And she has this 'other option', or thinks she does, and no actually I think they'd be horrified if she did want to go over there seriously, but I can't tell her that because it'd crush her.

[LydiaWickham]

Really, do you think the new Step Mother would want a stroppy 14 year old to turn up to live with her in the honeymoon period forever? Would the father who hasn't had to pay a penny his life suddenly want to be responsible for another near adult?

[notmyproblem]

Taking a different tack here (and btw I agree that OP is NBU and the father is taking the piss)....

OP, your daughter is 14. She might pretend to "hate" you but frankly if that's your biggest fear that and her offhand remarks about going to live over there then that's your problem here, not a wedding. Your insecurity about your relationship with your daughter and fear of losing her means you're letting this situation control you. Do you really let her and him play you off as the "bad guy" all the time like this? Surely she recognises how unreasonable it is to take an entire week off school and for you to pay for expensive last minute flights for her to see her dad's wedding. Sad as she might be not to go, she's old enough to understand the deal here.

I also agree with what the others said, she's also old enough to sort this out with her dad and the school on her own if she wants to go. Give her some responsibility, she's not a little kid anymore. It's not helping her having you make all these arrangements on her behalf whilst she mosies along blissfully unaware of how expensive and unrealistic this wedding thing is, not to mention how silly her father is being.

[Meow75isknittinglikemad]

Please don't end up paying for this out of a desire to remain one of your DD's friends.

You are the adult in this relationship, and you need to step up on this occasion. It is highly likely that she will miss a GCSE exam (as a previous poster said, they're not all in June of the 5th form any more), or possibly some revision classes.

I think she is old enough to understand the financial situation, and quite frankly it is irrelevant whether you have the funds or not. YOU will not be the one obstructing her witnessing her dad getting married, he is.

Stop behaving like you have to be responsible for everything. If he wants his daughter to accept that half of her culture is with him, he also has to accept that half of it is here, in Britain, with you and all that that entails - including going to school and getting qualifications. Although he is getting/has got a job with his future F-i-L, no-one could say that he's benefitted from having a rather shorter education than we expect here. And he has to accept the fact that sometimes he's gotta get his hand down and pay sometimes.

Surely, regardless of how much she loves him, your daughter can recognise that she doesn't want to have a life that involves only having enough money to live hand to mouth/get by/however you want to describe it like her dad if he is saying that he can't even afford a short-notice plane ticket for her to attend his wedding.

Does she want to have nice things? Be able to go out with her friends of a weekend when she wants to, etc, etc. You can't do it without a decent wage.

[diddl]

If OP usually pays for her daughter to visit because he can´t/won´t, I don´t see why she should also pay for her to do an extra visit just because he didn´t have the foresight to arrange his wedding for a time when his daughter would be there!

[LydiaWickham]

YANBU - you really aren't. If he wants her there, he will pay for it.

You and DD shouldn't miss your holiday to pay for this.

And it's a pointless discussion, because the school will say no.

[ZombiePlan]

Oh, don't get me wrong, YAtotallyNBU to be royally pissed off with him. And I agree that he really should have thought things through a bit more carefully. I'd be spitting tacks about being put in that position too.

[ImperialBlether]

I don't think you're being unreasonable. He's the unreasonable one and now he's in Europe he needs to change his ideas about education and women paying for everything.

[irrationafury]

ZombiePlan as I said in my OP, I think she should be there.

He has a very different attitude towards school generally. Thinks it is a waste of time, and the country he's in doesn't have (so far as I know), any kind of enforcement if people don't go to school. He and most of his family had left school before they were DD's age. He doesn't think a termtime wedding is a big deal.

I can't think of a reason for when they booked it - it's not so short notice it's a family-member-might-die thing, due to religious attitudes it is 100% not a shotgun wedding etc. He didn't offer an explanation or anything.

I see what you're saying and if it comes to it I doubt I'd prevent her going because I don't want her to hate me. But I am furious. Beyond furious. And, really, wanted to know if I was being U. You think IABU and I accept that.

[ZombiePlan]

Yes - I totally see that all of that is really bloody annoying for you. It just seems odd, given how welcoming he and his family have been, that they would suddenly make it difficult for her to come to his wedding. Has he been planning the wedding for long, or is it a short notice thing? Are you sure that there aren't actual reasons why he can't do it during the holidays (e.g. do the venues get pricier to accomodate people marrying abroad)?

I just honestly think that if you can afford for her to attend her father's wedding, then she should be there. For her sake, if nothing else. But I would certainly be explaining to her that it'll be a financial struggle and will involve certain cutbacks (that she should feel, given that it's being done purely for her). If she still wants to go, I think I'd let her. I really think that now is a really bad time to make a point, given that you've paid for all flights (even his ) to date.

[ImperialBlether]

No way. No bloody way.

He could have arranged the wedding at a different time - half term, Christmas, summer, whenever. His future wife's only just out of school herself so she should know that!

You should say you are not paying for it. You should ask the school and do exactly what they say - just say her father has asked for her to be there.

If she does go (if he pays) then you could buy her a new dress, though actually I think that's his job, too.

He is so fucking tight! I hope that FIL works his bony arse to bits.

[Proudnreallyveryscary]

I don't think she's being unfair at all zombie!
Dd's father has put you in a very awkward position, OP, and being terribly unfair.
I would definitely ask him to change the date, explain why calmly and succintly. And if he can't then, yes, it has to be only a 2 day trip and he has to pay!! He will have to budget for this and/or sacrifice some wedding cost to do so.

[irrationafury]

saffron wow that's concerning. Right, probably, but concerning. I'd best ask the school tomorrow.

[irrationafury]

it's not the short notice. It's because it's in termtime, because it's being presented to me as a fait accompli and because he knows I will get DD there if I can. It's a total total pisstake. There's no reason I can see why he couldn't've arranged his wedding for when DD will be there anyway, or at the very least let me know first.

Or even asked instead of told.

I can pay but it will mean going short and DD and I wouldn't be able to take our usual xmas trip (as it's just the two of us we go away for xmas).

[ZombiePlan]

So this is a point of principle then - you object to being asked to pay for extra flights at short notice. TBH I do think you're being a little bit unfair to your DD here. You are trying to make a point to her dad, but your DD is the one who will suffer if she misses the wedding. And I get your point that this is different (by which I'm assuming that you mean the short notice will make the flights costlier) but then again it is different - it's not just a regular visit, it's a wedding.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like he can/will pay (although I agree that he should be contributing to her upkeep). So, given that you can pay, why not tell your DD that the flights can be her Christmas present or something like that.

[saffron]

It took me two weeks to get permission for DS to have ONE day of school for DH and my wedding (we would of moved the date if he couldn't of got the day off) and DS is 12 in yr 8 and goes to a special school and has severe C.P and severe learning difficulties.

[FabbyChic]

I think you should compromise, it has to be Friday to Monday as the school most certainly would not give you permission to take her out of school for a week, and it isn't your fault he picked term time. Secondly he pays for the flights as you cannot afford it okay? You can't you can buy her something nice to wear but you can't afford the flights.

[Kick2down]

I would agree to arrange things with the school, having explained that this will be difficult and could involve a £100 fine. But tell him (and her) that you can't afford the plane tickets. She needs to understand that it's up to her Dad how much he wants to have her there.