To think if I invite my parents to dinner, I shouldnt have to feed my brother too!!

[lisad123]

Should be clear his 28 years old but still lives at home. It's nit him it's my parents. If I invite them they insist I put aside a dish for db to take to work or that he can have at home!!

My mum had a stroke earlier in the year and dad is struggling somewhat.
He has said he thinks we should have him and mum round once a week to make it easier on him . while I don't mind and understand it's not really on to think we should feed db aswell too!

Just so I'm not drip feeding I'm one of four, there is 3 girls and one boy.
Sister 1 has four children, two of which have cerabal palsy, sister 2 is misdee who now has 5 children, and me, I only have 2 but both girls have autism.

As you can see we all have enough to do without 3 extra mouths to feed :(

[Triggles]

Perhaps in order to ease the situation a bit, you could have your parents over every other weekend, and once a month, go over to your mum's and organise a few things cooked in her kitchen that you can then put in her freezer in portion sizes so that they can heat them up themselves at their house. That way you still have them coming over, but you're helping them with meal prep at their own house (with their own groceries!). Would that be doable? And while you're doing that at their house, teach your DB how to make a few things, so that eventually he can take over the duty.

[pigletmania]

Do they go to friends for dinner, would they dare ask the friend to put some extra on a plate for their healthy grown son!

[happyhorse]

My brother is 38and still lives at home. And if I invite my parents around for anything he just assumes he's invited too and tags along. I would't mind if he were good company but he just sits there on his iphone.

Agree with previous posters that this is your parents issue rather than your brothers and that he needs to tell them that he doesn't want you sending food back for him. He sounds far more capable than mine.

[TandB]

I think you need to be firm with someone, OP. Either ask your brother to tell your parents that he is capable of cooking for himself and there is no need to ask you to provide takeaway for him. Or tell your parents outright that you are happy to have them over for dinner but you see no reason why you should also cater for your adult brother who isn't even there.

[KittyFane]

pootie-Is the reason your parents want a plate of food to take home for your brother because they would feel obliged to make him something themselves? Maybe he should be telling them that he really doesn't want you to provide dinner for him, so that you don't appear to be the one being unreasonable.

This is what I thought.
You could have a word with DB and ask him to make it clear to your parents that he will feed himself on the nights they eat out at your house or your sister's so your mum doesn't feel obliged to cook for him afterwards.
At the same time tell him that if he wishes to join you all at your house, he is welcome.

[Emsmaman]

Daintynuts - your post struck a note with me. We had DB and my parents to Christmas lunch last year and were relying on DB driving them all to our place. All he had to do was get them to our flat. That is all we asked. We did all the shopping, cooking and serving in the lead up and on the day. Guess what. He was 1 hour late picking them up and getting to ours. Explanation: he went for a run in the morning . DH was not impressed and did not talk to him all day.

[SacreLao]

I would politely explain that due to your busy home life / tight budget you cannot manage every week but every other week / third week etc. would be fine.

I would also speak to your brother and explain that you can't plate him food up as got enough to do and ask him to decline in front of your parents so that they don't ask you?? Not sure if that would work at all.

[lisad123]

Sadly yes unless they come on a different day, we are very lead by routines in our house because of the autism

[ImperialBlether]

Just don't do it.

Make enough for the people who are eating it. When they say something at the end, say, "Oh sorry, there isn't enough left. And he's big enough to cook for himself."

Surely, though, you don't give them the same spaghetti bolognese every week?

[LydiaWickham]

round here, about £11 an hour for a cleaner - if your brother paid out £22 a week for someone to come round a couple of hours to do the kitchen, bathroom and general clean up, that would still be a massive saving on renting a place on his own.

quite frankly, at that age and living at home with an ill elderly parent, he should be either in the caring role, or paying someone else to do it, but he certainly shouldn't be an extra burden. You need to sit down with your other siblings and talk about this so you are united in your message to your parents, would your parents be better looking at a flat? that would mean he had to move out, but quite frankly at that age he should be independent. Even if they say they can 'cope now', you could sell it as move now while you can, rather than wait until you have to go in a home.

[PootlePosyPerkin]

Is the reason your parents want a plate of food to take home for your brother because they would feel obliged to make him something themselves? Maybe he should be telling them that he really doesn't want you to provide dinner for him, so that you don't appear to be the one being unreasonable.

[diddl]

Well I think if you all had your parents once a week that would be OK?

Do they do once a week with each of you IYSWIM?

And depending on your brother´s work-perhaps he should be doing most of the cooking if your mother is too ill & your father struggling?

[GentleOtter]

You are cooking 52 plates of food per year for your brother and if your sisters are each making him something, he is receiving 156 ready cooked meals.

It is a different situation with your parents as you are trying to help them (and keeping an eye on their wellbeing when they come round to visit) but you will have to be firm and refuse to feed your brother. He is perfectly capable of fending for himself and YANBU.

[PootlePosyPerkin]

I have sympathy with the big house issue OP. My father passed away several years ago now & my mum is now ill herself. She is living in the much-too-large-for-one-person house we all grew up in & finding it difficult both physically and financially. Downsizing seems a really good option to everyone - except my mum! I have suggested looking for a cleaner but she won't entertain that idea either! .

[lisad123]

I have already said this isn't about my parents coming over. The problem is now they are coming weekly as apposed to say 3/4 weekly before, they still think we can send fold for db too.
Im happy to help where I can, but life here is pretty manic.
I really should have db over to learn to cook, then he can help with providing meal at home too.

[Ilovedaintynuts]

I have exactly the same problem with my brother except he is 35! He is a lazy git, refuses to work and just leeches off people. My parents fall for it and feel sorry for him.

Every time I entertain them, they want all the leftovers plus a plated meal for him.

The last few Christmas' he has come and eaten his fill and my parents have started packing away every bit of left over in tin foil "for poor ....."

It's really annoying and would start a family row if I tried to address this. If I'm honest I don't even LIKE him and hate the way he treats other people.

I understand why you would feel resentful.

[PootlePosyPerkin]

In some respects YABU - your mother is ill, your father is caring for her. To invite them for a meal with you once a week is not too much (in my opinion & I also have autistic children & a tight food budget). However, YANBU with respect to feeding your brother - I am also one of three sisters with a brother who lived at home into his 30's & I did not have to send food parcels home for him when my parents came round for tea & nor would I have done.

[lisad123]

Think we are going to take suggestion and make it clear we can't cook for db too.

As to what I cook sadly it's the same every week, spag bowl so not too difficult to stretch it further.
I have suggested to dad that they consider moving somewhere smaller to make life easier, especially if they can get supported living. They still live in the house we all grew up in and it is large, dads having none of it!
How much is a cleaner these days? Wish I could have one myself!

[gigglepin]

Ahhhhh i have this with my bil who incidentally is 35 and still lives at home with my pil.

We cant invite them over without him "thinking about" if he wants to come. Some times im awaiting his majestic decision till the evening before.
Then it has to be when its a conveneint time for him becuase he doesnt get up till after lunch at a weekend.

As a result, i no longer invite any of them.
We were in this situation last Christmas day.

And just to add, bil is actually a lovely bloke and great company, just a 10 eyar old in his parents eyes!
Sympathies, i get where you are coming from.

[2BoysTooLoud]

Looking at your profile I see you do have a lot on your plate.
Do they find cooking difficult?
Would they accept meals on wheels type help during the week [if still available].
Sounds like your brother does need to learn to cook! However he may well move out and their needs do seem to be increasing.

[LydiaWickham]

time for a word with your brother - tell him he is causing extra work - when you invite your parents round, he needs to say to them in advance "I've spoken to Lisa and told her not to do me a plate as I really fancy having X for dinner tonight and I'll sort it myself." or he could tell them he thinks it's cheeky to ask you to cook for him so he has told you not to. you need a united front on this!

Also, could he look at paying some of the money he's saving by living at home to pay for a cleaner to help out?

[lisad123]

I will be picking my mum up when I finish work at 2.30 and dad will join us for dinner later to give him a break for a little while.

[lisad123]

We help when we can but I'm not that close. Mum in our opinion isn't too bad considering but his struggling. Hence why he has asked for more help ( they were offered by SS but they turned that help down) yes my sisters help and this evening they are at my middle sisters and come with a box to take db dinner home in
Im happy to try and make dinners go further, I'm not worried about having them for dinner, but do resent them assuming I have enough for db too.

[halcyondays]

Your brother lives with them, why can't he cook for your mum and dad? He's 28, not 8! You and your sisters have enough on your plate.