...to be annoyed at my gran's choice of words?

[feralgirl]

She told me that I am "lucky to have a husband like DH"; i.e. one who pulls his weight wrt to childcare and housework (I work FT; he works PT and looks after the kids - his choice). It's not the sentiment that I take issue with, it's the notion that it's only down to something as arbitrary as luck that a man might do 50% of the 'work'.

It's a trivial point made by someone of a different generation and I'm being pedantic about the choice of words but it did make me wonder whether I take DH for granted.

[gallicgirl]

I have a friend who did CBT and she made the point that when something bad happens to a woman, we think we deserve it and when something good happens, it's because we're lucky but it's the opposite for men.

It's just ingrained use of language and attitudes and it will change. It made me think about what language I use too. I'm awful for asking DP to "do something for me" when in reality he's washing-up, bathing baby etc "for us".

[lesley33]

feralgirl - She might have modern attitudes with lots of things,but her expectations of marriage may not have moved on. Either that or she has seen so many women have terrible DH's that in comparison she genuinely thinks you are lucky to have a decent one.

Next time just smile and say yes you are right, and he is lucky to have me as well.

[lesley33]

feralgirl - I know exactly what you mean. He is just doing what he should be doing.

But some older people can have much lower expectations for marriage than now and so they can genuinely think you are lucky for things that I just think are acceptable behaviour. For example, my gran in her 90's thinks my mum is lucky because her DH has never hit her or gone out drinking the "housekeeping" money. And when she sees him do anything domestic at all, she thinks he is a saint. This is in spite of the fact that my GF - as far as I know - never hit her or went out drinking.

[eurochick]

I can imagine my gran saying the same. And you are, based on her 1950s experience of bringing up kids.

I bet no one says to the husbands of working women, "you're lucky to have someone who brings in a wage". Which is the equivalent difference.

[Chandon]

poor Gran.

move over and move on. She meant it in a NICE way, obviously, so it was a nice thing to say.

Don't look for criticism where there isn't any.

[AuntiePickleBottom]

yabu, you are lucky to have him in your life.

i have to nag my husband to do housework with me or cook dinner, however i don't feel 'unlucky' having him as a partner as he is fantastic in every other way

[Dirtydishesmakemesad]

YANBU but she probably just has different expectations, my grandmother is alwasy saying things like that i just roll eyes.

[feralgirl]

Cogito, your "nob" stat is an interesting idea; I wonder how the percentages will change with the boys that we are raising today?!

Thanks pentagram

[feralgirl]

See the whole "different era" thing, I'm not sure I buy that with my gran. She's very modern in her attitudes and would never for example make comments about racial stereotypes that were 'normal' when she was young.

[Squitten]

My Nan says exactly the same. But then he's the first male she's ever come across who would so much as change a nappy. In their generation, men basically didn't...

[Bossybritches22]

What squeakytoy said.

We all know that's what a DH should be like but to find one who IS a true "partner"unfortunately is rare.

Enjoy him & don't take him for granted!!

[slavetofilofax]

My Granny is the same.

She thinks my DH should be in line for a Nobel prize just because he makes the odd cup of tea.

If I told her that he makes his own packed lunch most days (and the dc's ), she would freak!

[Pentagram]

He is indeed a lucky man feralgirl

[AbbyAbsinthe]

When I was splitting with my dd's dad, my gran told me that I should stick with him because 'at least he didn't hit me'. FFS.

They're just a different generation, you just have to ignore it.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It is down to luck. I know we're all meant to be thoroughly equal, decent people that are happy to share household chores 50/50 without quibbling but the sad truth is that there are still a disproportionate amount of men hitting adulthood unable to thread a metaphorical needle because they have been spoilt rotten and picked up after their whole lives. In pure statistical terms... picking a bloke a random... I'd say you only have about a 1 in 4 chance of them not being a chauvinistic nob. Possibly smaller.

I'm sure his granny tells him how lucky he is to have you... :)

[feralgirl]

(apart from him that is).

[feralgirl]

Cogito, that's kind of my point. Surely it's not down to luck that DH does his bit, he just does what anyone (regardless of whether they're male or female) should do. It's only because he happens to be male that it's worth remarking on.

Maybe I am a bit resentful of the fact that no one thinks he's lucky to have a wife like me

[squeakytoy]

YABVU.. reading these boards alone should be enough to see that a man who willingly does 50% of chores and child rearing duties is a rarity..

You are lucky..

[sayithowitis]

My DH has always done at least his 'fair share' of housework/looking after children/cooking etc. What that 'fair share' may be changes according to circumstances, for example, when I was a SAHM, I did most of the h/w and cooking since I was at home and able to do it. Prior to children and now they are grown up, we both work similar hours and therefore household chores are shared roughly 50/50. Sometimes he does a bit less, often sometimes a bit more. But when I look around at friends and colleagues, I do feel very lucky to have my DH, because I really don't know many who do as much as he does. especially as he does all the jobs I hate

[eeyore2]

my mum told me that the reason DH had come down with tonsilitis was he must be run down from 'helping' at home! So your granny's comment is nothing! But we are both lucky to have nice DHs, there are enough horrible ones around.

[gethelp]

If she'd said ' I'm so pleased you don't have the same struggle that women used to have' maybe that would have sounded better? And then you could have said No, we've got a whole load of new struggles!