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AIBU?

to want to tell DH to suck it up?

50 replies

WorrisomeHeart · 09/10/2011 19:19

Ok, I know that in the grand scheme of things my gripe is extremely trivial but I an sitting here gritting my teeth and need a whinge.

DH, while a generally great guy/good dad/all around nice one, has a very irritating tendency to become a grumpy old man about the weekends, and this has really escalated since we had DS (now 1). I get where he's coming from - I miss having weekends to ourselves, I miss the lie ins and the opportunity to lounge around doing nothing for two whole days, but jeez, every time we have to do something, be it the supermarket shop, visits to family, seeing friends etc, I get this toddler style whinge about how he never gets a weekend and is fed up with seeing people etc etc etc...

I guess one of the main issues is that both sets of grandparents live relatively near so we tend to see them both once a fortnight. That takes most of the day as it's an hours drive there and back, and it's generally us that goes there (that's a whole other thread...) but FFS, it's not that big a deal is it??? Surely it's more important for DS to have a relationship with his extended family. Even when we have a weekend like this one (only one thing pre-arranged) he's been sighing all day about how it's Sunday already and 'where's his weekend gone?' etc etc...

It's getting to the point where I dread having to remind him that we've got something booked in at the weekend as I know he's going to trot out the whole 'woe is me' line. Any advice, or should I just tell him he's being a nobber and be done with it?

OP posts:

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whathappenedtom · 09/10/2011 23:39

lie ins - don't neccessarily have to stop when you children. You have one morning, DH the other. We had visitors this weekend, they went after lunch I went back to bed.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 09/10/2011 23:34

Putrifyno - I didn't say time, I said opportunity. If I'm in a shop and can pick up a card and it takes me no time, why wouldn't I do it? As it happens DH bought a birthday present for my father this week, because he saw something he thought he would like. And rather than thinking 'I'm not going to get that because Alibaba ought to do it, it's her family', he bought it. There are plenty of things that DH deals with that I don't get more than occasionally involved in.
I'm sorry if my husband and I working as a team offends you

OP - I cannot understand why he is whining when it is him refusing to cut the visits.

oldsilverbullet · 09/10/2011 23:31

Could we swap please my dp insists he takes DS to see MIL every single Saturday 10-5 and then he golfs with PIL all sunday morning. We are lucky if we have family time for more than a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon let/yet (?) alone any time as a couple. And he doesn't see that as any sort of problem at all!

slavetofilofax · 09/10/2011 23:27

Tell him that the next time he complains, you will not be accompanying him to see his parents.

He doesn't get the right to say that he wants the same amount of visits and more time to himself. That's both silly, and impossible. So he needs to stop whinging.

seeker · 09/10/2011 23:23

Are you a SAHP?

Vicky2011 · 09/10/2011 23:20

Well I half agree with him in that regularly losing my precious weekend would do my head in utterly. Visits a few times a year are definitely the way to go - with daily texting and weekly phone/skype calls. What I truly don't understand is that he whinges but won't reduce the visits to his own family?? Odd.

Soups · 09/10/2011 23:15

Who does the majority of the planning and scheduling of the weekends? If it's you and he doesn't like how it works out, then the month of November is his turn. Yup including the cleaning, shopping etc

blackeyedsusan · 09/10/2011 23:09

right, so he is complaining about not having weekends free, but is not illing to tell his family that you are going to visit less often... in which case, you are not being unreasonable and he has to put up with it a bit.

ChippingIn · 09/10/2011 23:03

I can't believe he has the nerve to complain to you about it, but wont visit his parents less - wtf does he expect you to do about it?? I'd do 3 weekly visits, one weekend of other family/friends visiting and two weekends of 'nothing planned' before DS's social life completely takes over and your weekends are spent taking him to parties & footy!

Shop on line and get it delivered one weekday evening.

Can you learn to drive? It would mean you have to less as a 'job lot'.

SmethWitchBelle · 09/10/2011 22:57

Cut yourselves some slack! There is no need to be doing the rounds every fortnight. Chill out - have a lie in each on the weekends; he has saturday, you have sunday, sleep or have some time to yourself when it is your day.

If your parents had an "open house" style of parenting remember there was probably a reason for this (erm, convenience) and YOU are parents too now, you can adopt the same policy. People can come to you.

WorrisomeHeart · 09/10/2011 21:43

galaxy I would agree with you but it's not me that's solely dictating our social calendar. And the in law visits are generally split 60:40 in his family's favour.

putrify the idea of having Sundays as 'free' is a good one, that might be a good solution.

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 09/10/2011 21:41

I meant to say one weekend afternoon/evening every two weeksjust lounging around.

mynewpassion · 09/10/2011 21:40

You should heed his whingeing instead of telling him to suck it up. Its his way of saying "we need attention, too". I could be wrong here but he's telling you that you guys need to invest time in being a couple: man and woman instead of mother/father, DIL/SIL, work/home, etc.

Its great that you guys are fostering relationships with both sets of ILs but you need to spend time alone too.

How about spending one weekend afternoon/evening just lounging around the house or going out to dinner either alone as a couple or with baby. No errands to run or housework to do. Bodies and brains need recharging, too.

Putrifyno · 09/10/2011 21:12

You have more time? If your DH was single, does that mean he can't spare 5 mins to buy his mother a birthday card? Or is it because he has a wife, he expects HER to do it....?

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 09/10/2011 21:08

I'm confused now, isn't that what I just said?
DH and his Dad have a crap relationship. Neither of them can be arsed, so I don't push it.
But we all have a good relationship with MIL and with my parents, and both DH and I facilitate that.

As it happens I do sort the majority of cards and presents, but only because I don't work outside the home so I have more opportunity to do these things than DH.

GalaxyWeaver · 09/10/2011 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Putrifyno · 09/10/2011 21:03

Why though? It's emotional stuff, so left to the women to sort? Like remembering birthdays, buying xmas presents and stuff? Why should the DIL go out of her way to do this, if the son can't be arsed?

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 09/10/2011 20:44

Putrifyno - really? 'I would never see it as MY responsibility to ensure that my child had a relationship with Dh's half of the family. It should be down to him and them to do this.'

Sure if none of them seem interested then it shouldn't be up to the DIL (or Son-IL) to push it, but DH and I see it as our collective task to enable good relationships across the whole family. As far as I'm concerned his family are my family too, and mine are his. Find the whole idea of things being separate a bit alien.

Putrifyno · 09/10/2011 20:06

You should both get equal "downtime" at the weekend, whether you are SAHM/WOHM in my opinion. OP, you say "well we have to do something". Well yes, but not both of you at the same time necessarily.

I work FT, as does DH. Saturdays are for "doing stuff that has to be done" - shopping, mowing the lawn, taking dd to a class etc. Sundays are totally FREE time. It is is rare that we schedule anything. If the weather is nice, or there is something fun happening, we are free to be spontaneous. Or not.

marthastew · 09/10/2011 19:55

My DH can be like this and has recently taken to having weekend 'colds' where he swears he is ill all weekend and lies in bed asleep but mysteriously recovers for work on Monday morning. I won't get started though. Nob.

I have a big calendar on the fridge in the kitchen. All family visiting stuff goes on it so I don't have to do any reminders. Maybe you should also schedule some relaxing things for you/him as well - time without GPs and without DCs. Head his complaints off at the pass so to speak by being able to say "well we did this and this..."

Also, DH and I have a system where we each get one lie in every weekend.

I would ignore the 'woe is me' stuff TBH.

Putrifyno · 09/10/2011 19:52

On the other hand, I have also learned that it better NOT to schedule family time during major sporting events......tis better to take dd to the supermarket when the Man U match is on, then get changed and go out with the girls, leaving him to do bed time etc.....

EllaDee · 09/10/2011 19:49

Mm, it is tricky if you don't drive. My DH doesn't, and to be honest, I do find it more tiring doing all the driving. Can you learn?

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Putrifyno · 09/10/2011 19:47

I would never see it as MY responsibility to ensure that my child had a relationship with Dh's half of the family. It should be down to him and them to do this.

MistyMountainHop · 09/10/2011 19:44

hmmmm my dh is a bit like this

he likes to do stuff just the 2 of us so we sometimes "farm out" one or more of the dcs. but when we have both of them, sometimes when its mundane family stuff like shopping, visiting relatives etc he gets twitchy and a bit mardy arsed

WorrisomeHeart · 09/10/2011 19:43

troisgarcons thats one reason why I try not to make a big deal about it - his folks are elderly and won't be around for long and I want DS to know them.

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