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AIBU?

to be so disillusioned with dh?

66 replies

bushymcbush · 03/10/2011 19:01

I got my saliva testing kit through the post to join the Anthony Nolan bone marrow register. I was reading through the stuff and commented to dh that he could join too. He dismissed the idea totally. He said that he has a donor card so they can take what they want when he's dead but he wouldn't be donating bone marrow or even looking at the website. He said it's harder than giving blood (which he has done once in his life ). I asked him how he knew - he said he doesn't know but he imagines it's harder. Still refused to even look at the website.

So he changes the conversation to tell me about the bloke that came over to fix the dishwasher. Apparently said bloke told dh about a website where you can buy and sell shares without risking losing any money. Dh enthused about this idea for a while and finished up by saying he really wants to check it out.

I made my excuses, went upstairs and cried.

Do I not know my dh at all? Are we really occupants of such totally opposite planets?

Sorry - I do know this isn't exactly soap opera stuff but I really feel devastated to be confronted with yet more evidence of what I see as his small minded selfish materialism and I hate it.

Am I being ridiculously hormonal? (12 wks preg)

OP posts:

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bushymcbush · 03/10/2011 19:30

Completely off the mark with that point worra. I am not looking for recognition at all. I don't know what I'm looking for tbh. But it's not that.

OP posts:

bushymcbush · 03/10/2011 19:32

I know you can't donate when pregnant. I'm joining the register, which I will remain on until I'm 60.

OP posts:

slavetofilofax · 03/10/2011 19:32

I think you must be looking for recognition and worra has it spot on. That's the only response you have picked up on, so it must have hit a nerve.

worraliberty · 03/10/2011 19:36

Ok well you know your own self, but I have to say it does come across that way...as does this whole thread really.

Just leave your DH be and concentrate on what you've decided to do after you have the baby.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/10/2011 19:36

I think some people have a 'hero complex' and really do get a kick out of being seen to be heroic. I'm not saying that you're doing that, OP, but the "I don't know what i'm looking for..." bit of your post is quite telling.

bushymcbush · 03/10/2011 19:36

I have responded to lots of comments. I am not looking for recognition. That much I do know. I actually don't understand why I feel so sad about it. That's why I suggested preg hormones.

OP posts:

bushymcbush · 03/10/2011 19:38

Well I've clearly been way off the mark myself then if that's how it's coming across. It really isn't how it is.

Very indeed at the suggestion I might do this to make myself look good.

OP posts:

bushymcbush · 03/10/2011 19:39

When I said 'I don't know what I'm looking for' I meant from my dh, not from my joining the register.

OP posts:

Jackstini · 03/10/2011 19:40

His choice whether or not to do it and yes you are probably hormonally emotional.
The clever thing for him to have done would have been to look at the website, say he was proud of you but had made an informed decision it was not for him.
Hindsight & rose tinted glasses though - not reality

btw - shares website sounds a bit dodgy... I would have a look if I were you before he buys any!

slavetofilofax · 03/10/2011 19:42

You don't need to be sad at that suggestion, it is ok to feel good about doing a good thing. No good deed is entirely selfless.

ScarahStratton · 03/10/2011 19:43

YABU. I wouldn't have to look at the website to make a decision. It's up to him, not you, you can't pressurise people into doing what you want, it's wrong.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/10/2011 19:43

bushymcbush... Maybe it is just hormones as you've suggested. You have to realise though that what you say has an impact and if you think about whether you would have liked your DH to push you somewhere you don't want to go, how you would feel about that?

You may also feel differently when you've had the baby. Bone marrow donation is not like giving blood and when you have a family, that's another element to the consideration.

You did pull a face that your DH only gave blood once... what of it? Why do you judge him for what he choose to do/not do? That's very sad. He's the father of your child. Why are you having a baby with him if you feel so badly towards his choices?

bushymcbush · 03/10/2011 19:44

I doubt he'll do anything about the shares website. If he does I'll definitely be sharing my opinion with him very loudly!

I didn't cry in front of him by the way. I snuck off by myself, then posted on here to see if IWBU. Clearly I am, and I can see this now.

I think I'm feeling sad because DH and I are so different. Sometimes we really struggle to understand each other.

To be fair, he is far more accepting of me than I am of him most of the time.

OP posts:

madam52 · 03/10/2011 19:49

I can see why your DH wont even put a toe in the water tbh. Can you honestly say that if he'd read the website and still said 'nope, not for me' you would just have said 'ok darling'. I somehow think not and am sure your DH does too. You sound as if you cant understand why he or anyone would not want to do it - how much more disappointed would you be if even after all the jargon he still wouldnt .

bushymcbush · 03/10/2011 19:49

LyingWitch - don't we all judge others by their actions? The face was because he did it when he was a student because all his friends were doing it. He hasn't even thought about doing it since - nearly 20 years later. But yes, I expect I am wrong to judge him for this.

He says he doesn't want to give to strangers. I don't get this - we are strangers to most of the world and we might need help one day.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/10/2011 19:50

... and there go we all at some point, OP, unreasonable and unaware of it - until we post here.

On this issue, it's a yes or no, there's no grey area. He feels the way he does, you feel the way you do. On the issues that are important to you as a couple, you need to sit down and discuss them because you are soon not to be just a couple but parents.

slavetofilofax · 03/10/2011 19:50

I think acceptance is a very important thing in a marriage, more so than understanding.

ScarahStratton · 03/10/2011 19:51

Tolerance is also an action.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/10/2011 19:53

How would you feel if he judged you on not doing something that he felt was important because you didn't want to? Would you honestly not feel 'got at'? Honestly?

You don't sound altruistic, you sound very, very hormonal and in need of a good chat with a mate. Can you arrange a girlie coffee and cake afternoon or something?

... and to answer your question, no, we don't all judge others by their actions. Your husband didn't 'act', it was his 'inaction' you were judging... his values are his own and you have no right to try to change them anymore than he does with yours. Presumably you have the same views on what's important regarding parenting and other lifestyle choices.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 03/10/2011 19:57

I think I can see where you are coming from OP. You seem to be saying that you feel he is a person who doesn't much care about other people ("he says he doesn't want to give to strangers"). I can't tell if the blood donation/marrow think is reasonable evidence of that, but it sounds like you have other evidence to back you up on that assessment.

I know my DH is a kind man in a million different ways, but it sounds like you don't really feel your is.

KatieScarlett2833 · 03/10/2011 19:58

YABVU, sorry.

notmyproblem · 03/10/2011 20:01

I guess the question is whether you're feeling like you have less and less uncommon because he's changed somewhere along the way (or you have), or if he's always been this way and you're starting to realise that you can't change him.

There's a popular saying:

Women marry men hoping to change them, men marry women hoping they never change.

Does that apply to you?

(sorry to spring it on you at 12 months pg but this really does sound like it goes deeper than his not wanting to look at a website).

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minxofmancunia · 03/10/2011 20:02

There's more going on here, the website is a symptom of something deeper. I think you are dissatisfied and frustrated generally and venting it through issues such as this.

I say this because I myself am in the same situation...the deeper into our marriage we go the more I realise dh and are are so so different, on quite a deep level I fear. it makes me anxious and comes out in similar ways to the one you describe.

notmyproblem · 03/10/2011 20:02

Erm, "in common" not "uncommon"...

ScarahStratton · 03/10/2011 20:03

12 months pg?

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