to be so disillusioned with dh?

[bushymcbush]

I got my saliva testing kit through the post to join the Anthony Nolan bone marrow register. I was reading through the stuff and commented to dh that he could join too. He dismissed the idea totally. He said that he has a donor card so they can take what they want when he's dead but he wouldn't be donating bone marrow or even looking at the website. He said it's harder than giving blood (which he has done once in his life ). I asked him how he knew - he said he doesn't know but he imagines it's harder. Still refused to even look at the website.

So he changes the conversation to tell me about the bloke that came over to fix the dishwasher. Apparently said bloke told dh about a website where you can buy and sell shares without risking losing any money. Dh enthused about this idea for a while and finished up by saying he really wants to check it out.

I made my excuses, went upstairs and cried.

Do I not know my dh at all? Are we really occupants of such totally opposite planets?

Sorry - I do know this isn't exactly soap opera stuff but I really feel devastated to be confronted with yet more evidence of what I see as his small minded selfish materialism and I hate it.

Am I being ridiculously hormonal? (12 wks preg)

[gigglepigg]

i dont think you can make anyone else feel guilty about not donating. My OH did it, it was very time consuming, quite painful and you had to jump through a lot of hoops. Having said that though, there is no way he wouldnt have done it, and to do it for a stranger is very selfless. We had to spend four days in a London hotel, thats not practical for everyone.

Surely its up to your OH if he wants to consider it or not. I never have, even though my OH did.

[FrillyMilly]

MissVerinder how would you donate stem cells then? This is more common now than removal of bone marrow from your hip under GA. The stem cell removal is done by taking your blood, putting it through a machine to seperate what they need then putting it back in to you.

[AuntiePickleBottom]

i don't blame your husband, having a GA is a risk which i would not risk for a total stranger. I have DC to think about

He is not intrested, a couple don't have to agree on every thing

[MissVerinder]

YABU (sorry)

I'm on Anthony Nolan and an organ donor for the whole lot, but NO WAY in hell would I be able to give blood.



My mum's given so many pints she got a gold badge, and my sister a silver one, but I just can't.

I'm funny with fluids, including spit. It took me half an hour and much retching to get that sample for AN sorted!

[Faffalina]

Ah OP I feel for you!

Sounds like those emotional hormones have kicked in, plus you realised your DH is different to how you would like him to be.

But, you know you can't make him care about this. A lot of people mainly just care about their immediate family / friends.

Well done for taking steps to help others, the world would be pretty crap without people like you out there.

[bushymcbush]

amicissima and others - you're right, I don't want to be married to a clone of myself. But sometimes it feels like the fundamentals are so different.

[bushymcbush]

Eightieschick I am joining the register. They know I'm pregnant. I won't be eligible to donate until a year after the birth but I can join the register now.

[bushymcbush]

catsrus you are right about becoming very sensitive to others' suffering. I've been following Alice Pyne's blog, which is what prompted me to join the register.

We already have a 3 yo dd, and now pg with dc2, I'm ridiculously sensitive and emotional. it's making it hard to work out what's rational.

[EightiesChick]

What are your dealbreakers in terms of differences between you? Is it something you have ever discussed? It certainly sounds as though there are actually more issues than this at the root of this. For me, there are major things I would want to feel the same way as my partner about - general political outlook, let's say - but on this issue, it's something where I would like DH to feel the same as me, but could live with him not because ultimately everyone has the choice over what to do with their living body, and you can only make those decisions for yourself.

On a side note, I'm no expert on this but surely you won't be allowed to donate while pregnant anyway? IME you are totally off limits for something of this kind while pregnant.

[PedigreeChump]

YANBU. Sometimes you feel passionately about something, your DH or someone else you are close to doesn't, and it is natural to feel a bit sad/disappointed that you don't share that passion.

I have been through this feeling before, there have been occasions I have thought "how can I share my life with him, when he doesn't see my point of view or give a damn about X,Y or Z?" But every time so far it has passed. He has respected my thoughts on it but does not feel the same way, and I realise all of the things we do have in common and that our life together is wonderful.

As long as you agree on certain key things, you have to put this into perspective. You don't want to me married to a carbon copy of yourself.

[FrillyMilly]

I know how you feel. I'm on the bone marrow donor register. I had a cousin who needed a transplant and they really struggled to find a donor and eventually did through Antony Nolan so it's very personal to me. I would love it if DH would do it but he isnt even keen on them taking organs when he's dead. That disappoints me and we have come to an agreement on what he will/won't donate.

Also bone marrow donation is usually not the invasive operation that many think it is. Usually they want stem cells which involves injections for a few days then taking the stem cells from your blood. Even if they took it from your hip it's a non surgical operation (I know all operations carry risks).

[Kayano]

What will you do if when your baby is older it does now want to look at the website or donate marrow? Would you act judgey to it

Because your views with DH are so opposed and actually I think you judge him unfairly tbh, you will have to be prepared that the LO might grow up with the sameopinions as DH

[catsrus]

I think you are struggling with the realisation that the person you thought you had so much in common with actually has some very different ideas in areas that are very important to you.

I can understand why you are upset about this - but either you find ways in which your agreements and similarities bind you together and define you as a couple (despite the differences) or you may struggle with this relationship.

I do think hormones are at work here too, having a child, and being pregnant, made me much more aware of other children and people who suffer - so you may be hyper sensitive to his apparent lack of sensitivity.

You have, for whatever reason, realised there are some differences between you that disturb you - it doesn't mean the relationship is over :) it just means you are now aware of something that you weren't aware of before. Awareness is a good thing! Enjoy the pregnancy:)

[ScarahStratton]

[notmyproblem]

Gah 12 WEEKS pg, not months! Too much sorry.

[ScarahStratton]

12 months pg?

[notmyproblem]

Erm, "in common" not "uncommon"...

[minxofmancunia]

There's more going on here, the website is a symptom of something deeper. I think you are dissatisfied and frustrated generally and venting it through issues such as this.

I say this because I myself am in the same situation...the deeper into our marriage we go the more I realise dh and are are so so different, on quite a deep level I fear. it makes me anxious and comes out in similar ways to the one you describe.

[notmyproblem]

I guess the question is whether you're feeling like you have less and less uncommon because he's changed somewhere along the way (or you have), or if he's always been this way and you're starting to realise that you can't change him.

There's a popular saying:

Women marry men hoping to change them, men marry women hoping they never change.

Does that apply to you?

(sorry to spring it on you at 12 months pg but this really does sound like it goes deeper than his not wanting to look at a website).

[KatieScarlett2833]

YABVU, sorry.

[GetAwayFromHerYouBitch]

I think I can see where you are coming from OP. You seem to be saying that you feel he is a person who doesn't much care about other people ("he says he doesn't want to give to strangers"). I can't tell if the blood donation/marrow think is reasonable evidence of that, but it sounds like you have other evidence to back you up on that assessment.

I know my DH is a kind man in a million different ways, but it sounds like you don't really feel your is.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

How would you feel if he judged you on not doing something that he felt was important because you didn't want to? Would you honestly not feel 'got at'? Honestly?

You don't sound altruistic, you sound very, very hormonal and in need of a good chat with a mate. Can you arrange a girlie coffee and cake afternoon or something?

... and to answer your question, no, we don't all judge others by their actions. Your husband didn't 'act', it was his 'inaction' you were judging... his values are his own and you have no right to try to change them anymore than he does with yours. Presumably you have the same views on what's important regarding parenting and other lifestyle choices.

[ScarahStratton]

Tolerance is also an action.

[slavetofilofax]

I think acceptance is a very important thing in a marriage, more so than understanding.