Or is Soon to be X H?

[Meikyo]

DD lives with me. She goes to a dance class every Saturday. I normally take her every week and pay for the class (£6.50, pay as you go). Yesterday I had a dental appointment overlapping the dance class start time and asked my STBXH to take her. I gave him £20 to pay for the dance class when I dropped her off at his (he lives quite near us).

When I picked her up from the dance class I asked DD (almost 9) where the change was - she said her dad had kept it. I texted him and asked him to drop it off. He kept £3.50 change back on another week last month so I asked him to drop off the £17.00.

He has just been round with it and was evidently not pleased to be asked to bring it round. I told him that he clearly does not realise how tight my finances are and he made a comment about his being tight too. I told him that he can always do something about that (ie try to get a job - he has been unemployed on and off for several years, currently been nearly three years since he last worked). He then walked off angrily saying I was "just in one of my moods".

He pays £zero child support (not even the £5 as he has DD one night a week). Since he left the hosue over 3 years ago I have paid the joint mortgage and all other joint financial commitments in full.

I work F/T (earn too much to be eligible for any benefits) and pay for Childminder for after school care as STBXH won't look after DD on any days except his contact days. Even on his contact days he sometimes pulls out at last minute and asks me to get CM to pick DD up from school (for which I have to pay).

[fedupofnamechanging]

Would it count as a windfall? Really it is profit from his asset, which is the house, rather than an inheritance or something similar.

I would contact the benefits agency and tell them he took £20k from the joint account - it will be trackable through the bank, therefore he cannot deny having done it. Not declaring all your income and assets, then claiming benefits is fraud. Why should he sit on his arse claiming money that you (and everyone else) are paying for via taxation when he has all that money.

He is taking the piss and if you can possibly do anything to scupper him, then do so.

[Meikyo]

Karma - I don't think the CSA can take a "windfall" into account and I think STBX would have to agree if it was to be written into a legal agreement. I entirely agree that he should not be allowed to get state benefits if he has £20k from me. I should add that the day after we separated in 2008 STBX took just under £20k out of our joint savings account (50% of what we had) so I don't know how he managed to get benefits - he must have witheld information. As far as I know he would be ineligible for benefits if he has savings of £16k or more. I will check with my solicitor - I would love it if the money could be put into a trust for DD but no chance of this happening I fear.

[fedupofnamechanging]

If you do end up giving him a cash settlement, is there any way you could inform the benefits people. I don't see why he should get £20,000 of your money and then continue to sponge of the state. Also, could some of it be ring fenced for child support? It might be worth running it by your solicitor, just in case there is some way for you to not get entirely shafted here.

[Meikyo]

Ledkr - I believe that children in time will see who really supports them in the long term. I, too, cannot understand someone who says they love their child, but is unwilling to get off their backside to earn money to help support their child financially. Why should you miss out on a family holiday with your DD just so's that your ex can take your DD with him....he sounds shameless.

[Meikyo]

Irma, I believe his Mother is part of the problem in having raised him to have such a sense of entitlement! Ex is the youngest of 6 and always has been a Mummy's boy. BTW, ex MIL thinks I am "spoiled". She also thinks that as long as a man is not actively beating you then "the marriage can't be that bad"....Duh!

[ledkr]

My ex is like this op.I have had to give him money for food before now and also send food for her to eat at his.His fav saying is "i got no money" he doesnt have a job or pay for his children either.
He has even not bought birthday pressies before now.
He wanted to take her on holiday next year but wanted me to pay for her which if i di would mean no family holiday for us.
I just cannot believe there are people in the world like this and only hope that dd sees through him when she is older.
Truly shocking.

[IrmaMuthafucker]

Yup it's very wrong. I hope his mother is ashamed of him.

[ImperialBlether]

There's something wrong where a man who isn't working (seemingly through choice) and won't look after his own child has to be paid off by the working wife.

[Meikyo]

Hi Imperial,

No he did not take care of DD after school when we were together - I think for some of that time he was technically employed, although off on long term sick. TBH he's not that reliable (!) and I'd much rather DD (I only have the one child) was looked after by the CM, in whom I trust and who is v reliable. During the first 6 months after we split up I had to work v long hours (have since changed jobs) and had to emply an evening Nanny as ex would not help out.....

Breathe slowly - yes cheque is a good idea.
Chippling - yes, thank goodness I have a well (just enough) paying job not to have to rely on Ex!!

[breatheslowly]

Could you give him a cheque payable to the dance class to take if there is a next time?

[ImperialBlether]

He must be so pissed off that he's missed out on the gravy train. It's awful you have to give him anything if he's doing so little for the children's upkeep.

Did you see I'd asked whether he used to take care of them when you were together?

[BahHumPug]

Get back with him immediately. I cannot believe you let him slip through your fingers, you must really be kicking yourself. Just think, he could be sitting on your sofa right now, demanding a sandwich and watching daytime TV. You've blown the dream, you really have.

[ChippingIn]

I bet deep down you wish you could get back together with him.


Mwahhhhh

I would work out what cash settlement would SHTFU and offer him that - you should be able to get it with a loan etc and move on with your life.

He is being a complete and utter twat re ... well... everything. It's a shame and it does make life really much harder than it needs to be, but at least you aren't still with him and one day your DD (if she doesn't already) will see him for what he is (or rather isn't).

It's a good that you have a good enough job to support you both without his imput isn't it!!

[IrmaMuthafucker]

If you went for an additional secured loan on top of your mortgage you could fix your rate so you know what you're paying or go for a variable to keep the cost lower and make the term longer to keep costs down (this would be more expensive in the long run but so is paying legal costs to be rid of your leech).

[IrmaMuthafucker]

Pension transfer? I bet he did. From the small amount you've posted it sounds like the idea of cold, hard cash in his hand is the only thing that would appeal to him.

But do not give him a penny until he's signed the divorce papers. You could put it in the settlement to keep it all legit.

£20k sounds cheap to rid yourself of him.

[Meikyo]

Irma, a loan is not something I had thought of....I had offered a pension transfer of £20k but he knocked that back. I will look into a loan. I am keen to stop the legal costs too and maybe could use what I have paying out on that to finance a loan..

[Meikyo]

I was in a rush yesterday and had no change for the dance class but in future I will give the right money to DD. She can also be trusted to bring me back the change!

Yes STBXH is a bit of a knob - I always seem to be walking on eggshells with him regarding money - maybe deep down he realises that he is being unreasonable and is embarrassed - but his attitude is always thay it is my fault!

[IrmaMuthafucker]

For £20k you could get a personal loan or an additional secured loan just for the £20k and keep the mortgage rate you are on too.

I would have thought the 50/50 split would apply from the time you split? But I'm no a lawyer so don't know.

Do you think if you offered him £18k or similar he'd sign the divorce papers? You need to cut him lose ASAP before he leeches any more of your money. If he's that skint he might be persuaded to take what's on offer rather than risk fritting more away on lawyers and not seeing any money for a while??

[Meikyo]

Irma,

Yes, I suspect the house thing is exercising him at the moment! I have been trying to reach a financial settlement with him to allow us to get divorced but it has been dragging on and on. Bascially I want to buy him out but he is expecting 50/50 in everything despite no contributions from him towards DD. We are in Scotland so initial presumption is always 50/50. Not really worth the legal costs to fight for 55/45.

STBXH not willing to negotiate and looks like it would have to go to Court which is v. expensive in Scotland and virtually impossible to self-represent. I have been told by my solicitors that any variation in my favour would all be down to the Judge's interpretation on the day and that I should just cut my losses and pay STBXH the £20k he is asking for. I'm caught btwn a rock and hard place as to raise this I would have to remortgage and it would cost me a lot more per month as I would lose the very favourable interest rate I am on. I want to stop the legal costs too but in stalemate at present....

[IrmaMuthafucker]

Yes good point Imperial. Why are you paying for childcare when he's presumably sitting on his arse all day?

[Birdsgottafly]

Why would you be giving him money? arsehole, ex, not you.

[olibeansmummy]

Of course YANBU but in future only send the exact money. Also what pp said about getting the house put in your name only, don't give him chance to make money out of you!

[ImperialBlether]

That is absolutely disgraceful, that you have to pay for childcare when he isn't working.

Did he used to take care of your daughter before and after school before you split up?

In future, it seems you'll have to always have the right money. I'd give it to your daughter to hand it, rather than to him.

[IrmaMuthafucker]

Don't give him money. If he is the feckless loser you describe don't enable him by giving him anything other than exact money (and I think he should be making a contribution).

You also need to sort out the house because at the moment you are paying for him to own half of it and you should get that transferred over to your name only.