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AIBU?

to meddle in this situation?

34 replies

reallyunsure · 02/09/2011 20:48

I have namechanged jic.

My DS2 is just about to go in to Y6. He will be sitting the exam for the selctive boys' grammar that DS1 goes to. His friend, lets call him P, goes round in an intense gang of 3 boys and 2 girls. DS2 is happily peripheral to this group and joins in occasionally, and I am friends with P's mum.

Now, the problem.

P is exceptionally clever and his parents want him to go to the grammar (P's dads old school). P wants to stay with this gang, none of whom want to go to the grammar, and they are all happy to go to the local school where all their siblings attend. (P is an only child). The other school is a very good school as well. But P will be booked in for the exam shortly, and his mum fully expects him to pass and wants to deal with the seperation issues when they arise.

P has confided with my DS2 that he's playing along with his mum and dad's wishes, but will not put any effort in on the day in order to flunk the test and therefore go to the same school as these important friends.

So, AIBU to mention this to my friend so that she has time to talk to P about all this?

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seeker · 03/09/2011 04:51

So you tell your friend. She talks to her child. He agrees to do well in the test, but fails anyway. Your friend will never b able tomb sure whether he did his betnor not. How destructive is that?

Don't say anything. It's probably all bravado anyway.

zzzzz · 03/09/2011 04:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iscream · 03/09/2011 03:37

Break your son's confidence, he may not tell you things in future. Will cause a problem with your ds and his friend.

Unless you were in the house when ds's friend told ds this, and then you can say you over heard it.

Will not change the test results either way, I would keep out of it.

Nihilisticbunny · 03/09/2011 02:32

Poor kid, why can't his parents actually listen to him, he will be sitting the exact same GCSE's wherever he is.

I don't actually think it will make much of a difference if you tell them or not, they can't take the exam themselves so he will do what he wants. He is not a mini me, he will do what he really wants, although they may bribe/harangue him into the grammar, why exactly? What good would it do him?

garlicnutter · 03/09/2011 01:43

Can I just check - is he not allowed to opt for the other school if the passes the exam? If so, then maybe she can back off the pressure a bit and he'll already have the result on file if he needs to change later.

garlicnutter · 03/09/2011 01:41

I think that what you said about the other school is important. It's a good one; he's bright so will do well there, if that's where he goes, and could apply for a later place at the grammar if he finds he's not being stretched after all.

I would probably tell his mum, in hopes that she may also take a more flexible view. It's horrible to feel pushed into a course of action (at least, it was for me at that age) so perhaps part of his sabotage plan is due to rebellion/resentment/fear?

AfternoonDelight · 03/09/2011 01:30

Shame children do not realize their friends will change anyway. I went to a grammar school with two best friends and overtime we joined different circles.

willugotobed · 03/09/2011 00:08

OK so now I've had a glass of wine I'll be more honest. I would be absolutely devastated if my dc had a poorer education because of something as silly as a misunderstanding as this.

As a friend - if you did not tell me this - undboutedly my dc would at some point - and I would think you were one of those competitive types who didn't care about us and wanted my dc to do badly.

Why would you keep this to yourself? This is a child who needs guidance to get the best education possible. Nobody is friends as an adult with the people they knew at 11. These are not important friends. The education and you being a good friend is important and wanting the best for that child.

Sorry - had a few - I'll admit. But please do the right thing.

Bigpants1 · 02/09/2011 22:03

I wouldnt say anything as P will know where the info came from, and that could have a knock-on effect on your ds friendship with P-and others at school.
It would be good, if Ps mum let her ds go to the school he wants, if this is also a good school. Hes likely to be happy there and still do well academically.
Perhaps you could initiate a conversation with Ps mum, along the lines of, has P expressed an opinion on what school hed like to attend.

Birdsgottafly · 02/09/2011 21:56

How understanding are his parents?

Could he be scared of failing, but feels that he cannot open up about it?

These friends could be so important to him because it takes the focus off being pushed academically.

It may be that he doesn't want to go to the school, because he fears being compared with his father.

slavetofilofax · 02/09/2011 21:49

I wouldn't say anything, just beacuse I don't think there is any need to. His parents probably have some idea how he feels about it anyway. They may well have had the same converstaion that I have had with my ds.

My ds2 is 9, going into y5, and he quite clearly tells me he doesn't want to go to the grammar his brother is about to start at! He had a look at the website for the grammar and the local, and decided he would rather do metal work than latin! So I know how he feels about it, I think he has a good point and even if he passes the test I have a feeling the comp will be best for him, but he will still be doing the test! I will discuss where he goes with him when we know what options we have, and he knows that passing the test would not automatically mean he is going to the grammar.

Flowerista · 02/09/2011 21:43

Ps if I were his mum, I would want to know what you know. Education isn't a game.

Flowerista · 02/09/2011 21:40

It doesn't just end with the test ending in fail, assuming he carries the threat through. Ime parents will demand to know what happened, the school will be astonished and will collectively raise an appeal. I think although it's a horrid situation you have to talk, maybe as the other school is really good his parents will be happy for him to go there.

hairfullofsnakes · 02/09/2011 21:31

I like your thinking talker2010!

I think you should have a word, if it were my boy I would want to know so I could threaten to take all his wordly goods off him and ground him until he was 40 if he did not pass

!

Talker2010 · 02/09/2011 21:27

I would tell her there is a thread on Mumsnet about a boy who does not want to do well on his 11+ because he wants to stay with his pals and take it from there

reallyunsure · 02/09/2011 21:20

Gosh, it's all very complex isn't it?

Posters are on both sides of the fence, but you're all making sense.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 02/09/2011 21:18

Maybe he wants his friends to think he hasn't tried just in case he really does fail. 'Of course, that's what I meant to happen, wasn't it?'
Bit of face-saving. He might be more insecure than people think.

pictish · 02/09/2011 21:10

I'd keep schtum and let events unfold as they would've done anyway.
Every chance he's all bluster anyway.

ViviPru · 02/09/2011 21:07

YANBU - you just care. But nah - don't tell her. As others have said, its unlikely to have a positive outcome if you do.

And to those who don't think its possible, I deliberately flunked a science test to determine which set we'd be in for GCSEs on purpose because I fancied a boy. I did it and spent a blissful 2 years in his presence in foundation set science. I gained the highest grades in the year for all my other GCSE subjects (even Phys. Ed - wtf?) and my scientific backwardness remained a perpetual mystery to my teachers.

AKissIsNotAContract · 02/09/2011 21:05

I wouldn't say anything. He might do his best but not pass, then his mum would think he'd failed on purpose.

willugotobed · 02/09/2011 21:04

If it were a good friend I would mention it.

kelly2000 · 02/09/2011 21:03

I would tell her - how are you going to feel if he does fail and she is upset.

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Helenagrace · 02/09/2011 21:01

I'd probably try to drop something into the conversation along the lines of "you don't think he'd try and fail the test deliberately do you?" in the hope that I could get away with alerting the mum whilst simultaneously like I was just musing on a vague possibility.

Hassled · 02/09/2011 21:01

I'd get P round to your house and drop into conversation over tea the fact that your (made up) friend was telling you all about how her son went into Yr7 at the local school and was separated from all his mates from Day 1 - not a single one was in any of his classes . But that's just what happens these days, it must be really hard. Mate's son had to see friends out of school instead.

See if you can get him to understand that going to local school with best mates won't necessarily mean he'll see much of best mates.

reallyunsure · 02/09/2011 21:01

Oh I have no doubt that the child will be fine wherever he goes.

I think that if the roles were reversed I would like to know, so as to open the lines of honest communication with my son.

Kitty, I agree, the child is very competitive, and I feel that with a test put in front of him, it would be difficult for him to override the natural urge to achieve. And that is one reason why I feel I may be speaking unnecessaily iyswim.

I do beleive that if she knew how he felt, then she may support his wishes to go to the other school.

It's just the dishonestly sits very uncomfortably with me.

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