Not to give my baby equipment to a smoker?

[Mrsgilbertgrape]

I actually know ianbu but have just had a mouthful of the mum involved.

Woman in question has just had a baby and asked our mutual friend for use of my baby things (friends baby 6m younger than mine so she has been using a lot of my things and due to get them back soon), friend told this woman she would have to ask me first as I am hoping for another baby as well.

Just seen the woman at nursery and she asked for the bumbo/bouncy chair/play mat and Moses basket as she can't afford them. I told her no as I know she smokes around her children and I would be unwilling to use my own things after her as I hate the smell of smoke and would worry about the health risks.

I was then called a stuck up cow and told she did not want my skanky things anyway

To which I very childishly replied that if her and her dh did not smoke 60 fags between them each day she would be able to provide for her own child

I know what they smoke everyday because she takes great pleasure in telling everyone how all the doctors are wrong as none of her dc have health problems with her and her dh smoking around them all the time.

This is not a anti smoking thread, I hate people smoking round children but there are worse things a parent can do but surely I have the right to decide if I want my own things that I might need again reeking of smoke or not!

[AuntyChrist]

I used to smoke and loved every minute of it. But I plan on having children within the next three years, and want to be in the best possible health when I conceive, so I quit. My parents didn't smoke but I have too many friends who spoke of a childhood of breathing problems, discomfort and stinky clothes to want to subject future DC to that.

YANBU, but I feel sorry for the kids. Goodness knows what else: time spent helping with homework or playing rather than watching TV for instance, are these two not willing to sacrifice for the sake of their DC?

[LikeACandleButNotQuite]

irrespective of whether you will even want the stuff to use again, I would have NO qualms in refusing to loan someone my baby items because they cant afford them, yet they can afford cigarettes?

Priorities?

[pixielicious]

YANBU to not want to lend her the things, and YANBU to say why! Loved your response to her cheek, OP Also, although I am childless so perhaps not in a position to comment, I can imagine that, regardless of whether they smoked or not, I wouldn't really want to lend out my baby stuff to someone I didn't know very well, as it's quite personal to you and your family, no? To a close friend, fine, but not a friend-of-a-friend... I don't know, I might be being unreasonable there, but I don't think I would want to be handing out my special baby stuff to virtual strangers!

[Mrsgilbertgrape]

I have no idea why she has no baby things from previous dc, there is a age gap though.

I gave everything away after dc2 then had to buy all new for dc3 so the stuff in question is nearly new. I definitely do not want to buy again for planned dc#4.

[ravenAK]

& anyway, sod the smoking although YANBU on those grounds, obviously - just because you lend your stuff to Friend A does not mean you should lend it to Acquaintance B!

If she has older children, what's she done with their baby stuff? I can understand a skint first time parent needing to blag things...

[clam]

I think she was within her rights to be blunt. Sounds like the woman concerned doesn't mince her words. If she has been defending her right to smoke 30 cigarettes a day and claims it hasn't (so far) damaged her kids, then I'm sure she ought to be able to cope with someone pointing out what the OP did.

[notlettingthefearshow]

YANBU to refuse to lend her your things.

However, it wasn't necessary to be so blunt with her and to imply that she can't look after her child. I agree she seems to have an irresponsible attitude, but it doesn't affect you. It's her life, her family, her money, and being judgmental is not going to change her behaviour.

[ThePosieParker]

Good for you, she sounds awful.

[Mrsgilbertgrape]

Themagnificent- it was along the lines of "aye, get tae fuck"

I was talking to another mum who says I've had a lucky escape, she is seemingly known for latching onto people then draining them dry. If I had given her this stuff she would prob have been after all dc clothes next.

[Ivortheengine8]

YANBU -Ex heavyish smoker here (still have strictly 1 a day) Have never smoked indoors since I lived on my own and for a while before that. I hate the house even smelling a tiny bit after I come in from outside, even though I clean out my mouth and wash my hands after every time. I really dislike people smoking in the street near to or in front of my dd and I hate the smell of stale smoke. I wouldn't want baby stuff back either if it had been in a smokers house. As for the financial side which is not really any of my business,If she is that hard up she wouldn't be smoking fags anyway IMO, she would be on the bacci smoking that much a day.

[TheMagnificentBathykolpian]

What did she say to you when you said she would be able to afford to provide for her children if she and her husband didn't smoke 60 a day between them?

[clam]

I think it's about £7 for a packet of 20, isn't it? Which is £21 a day for 3 packets, and £147 a week. x52 weeks a year, makes £7644! Divided by 12 is £637 a month.

Blimey!

[aldiwhore]

I'm a smoker, YANBU. However, I have never smoked around the kids or their stuff. If you're thinking of using it again, then all you need to say is that you're thinking of using it again, you don't have to cite her bad habits as an excuse.

I hate the idea of loaning baby things. I either gave all my boys' stuff away or sent it to the dump (or kept it for the next).

[clam]

It's not about her children's health though, is it? (although that's a separate issue). It's about you not wanting baby equipment back stinking of smoke, which means you won't be able to use them again.
Anyway, you don't have to justify yourself to her. She's made it very plain what sort of person she is (calling your things skanky? Charming!), so it'll be no loos avoiding her on the playground in future.

[LineRunner]

£120 a week on cigarettes?

£480 a month???!!

[HappyMummyOfOne]

"Tbh I prob am a stuck up cow, I like nice things and budget to afford the things I like for my dc, It's not really a crime though is it"

Of course its not, financially planning and providing for your children is what adults should do.

Hopefully you've made her realise its upto them as parents to provide for their children and if that means giving up smoking all the better.

[MorelliOrRanger]

YANBU - and as she's not a close friend you shouldn't have to justify your decision to let her use your stuff anyway.

People who expect stuff for free are a pain anyway - but when they spend that much on a habit then they are bloody selfish to boot.

[SouthernFriedTofu]

I'm probably in the minortiy here but I wouldn't worry about hurting someone's feelings who chose to

1.) put their child at risk by smoking around them
2.) put their child second to a pack of fags if they can't afford to take care of them.
3.) had the nerve to ask a random for items because they are too "poor" to buy their own when they can clearly afford very expensnsive habit.

[OTheHugeRaveningWolef]

I was about to say YABU but within your rights, as I thought this was about giving, not lending your stuff. But if you're lending stuff and would get it back stinking of smoke YANBU at all.

[Mrsgilbertgrape]

It was more the Moses basket than bumbo I was referring to about the health risks sorry if that was not obvious!

The conversation started with her asking if she could borrow the things, I said no df has them. She then went onto say df was finished with them so could she have them. I was put on the spot so said no sorry because I know you smoke around your dc and seeing how I want to use the things again i want them in the condition I lent them out which I knew df would return them in that condition. She started on about how her and dp smoking has not effected there childrens health I still said no so I was called a stuck up cow etc.

Tbh I prob am a stuck up cow, I like nice things and budget to afford the things I like for my dc, It's not really a crime though is it!

[Chocolategirl3]

YANBU and good for you for telling her why she couldn't have them. I would have done the same thing.She was the rude one calling the gear she wanted to borrow skanky, cheeky mare!

[girlywhirly]

YANBU, they are your things to do with as you wish. I can't believe the cheek of the woman: actually I can, because it didn't make her think about her smoking costing so much, and I think even if you had made an excuse about a relative needing them she would still have been sulky. Even if you'd said you were selling them she would have expected you to give them to her - selfish to the last.

[Scholes34]

I don't think it was tactless to say the reason why you wouldn't lend your kit. Ebay sellers state whether an item comes from a non-smoking house or not, holiday accommodation specifies whether it's non-smoking or not. Anything exposed to smoke will be affected and it's not like the smoker's only being made aware of this fact for the first time.

[springboksaplenty]

Aw schucks. Came on here all ready to get my rant on because people are being all midget pants about a smoker and refusing to give her something just because she smokes.

Instead what I get is someone being entirely reasonable that they don't want to lend someone baby things as when they get it back it will reek of smoke.

Spoil sport.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

YANBU, if she cant afford to provide things for a baby then maybe they should have waited until they could support a child rather than hope everyone else would. I wouldnt borrow baby items to a smoker either if I needed them back after and surely a smoker would understand that.