To tell my DS he can't change his mind

[heathermumof3]

My DS is turning 8 on Friday. He has said he wanted a new geared bike. I have told him that they are expensive (money is tight) and if he wants a bike then there will be nothing more.

Come today I told him we were going to get a bike. He then got upset and said he wants lots of little presents now. At the time he wanted to go to his friends house. I asked him a few times if he was sure and he said yes. I told him he could not changed his mind as time is running out and I had to go and get his presents now.

So I have come back from argos with lots of little presents like he wanted. He has not seen them. But my DS has now said he only said that he did not want a bike because he wanted to go to his friend.

AIBU to say tuff he made his decision earlier or should I take the presents back to the shop and get him bike tomorrow. I can not afford to get the presents and the bike.

[CardyMow]

I must be REALLY mean. If any of my dc had done that even at 5/6yo - a) They certainly wouldn't be getting the smaller presents swapped for a bike, and b) If they got mardy on the day, I'd probably warn them once that they should be appreciative that they HAVE presents, and if they don't start being grateful, those smaller presents would be taken away. And I'd bloody well follow through with it as well.

[rhondajean]

You know, when you are 7 you dont have a great grip of economics. You dont always understand that one bike = ten smaller presents the way that we do (based on the cost). You just see a huge pile of exciting presents waiting for you. Therefore to a 7 year old ten presents = ten bikes (or something, not that you would buy ten bikes, but you get what I mean!!)

Im sure he will love them. You are not a crap mum, you are realising that your children are individuals and treating them as such. And if you made it clear to him that he had to decide then what he was getting, you are most definitely NBU to hold him to it.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

That's the spirit (or sadly not for you tonight)!!

At 8 years old, it is time for him to learn that when he's given the opportunity to make a choice he has to stick with his decision - unless it's something trivial such as choosing between a banana and an orange and then changing his mind before it's unpeeled.

As long as you're doing the best you can for your dc there's no way you're letting them down, but it's all to easy too question our judgement when we're juggling multiple demands on our time and money.

In the absence of alcohol, a comforting cup of hot cocoa and an early night will restore your equilibrium ready for more plate spinning tomorrow but can't you send dh to the offy?

Happy birthday to your ds for Friday.

[FlyMeToTheMooncup]

YANBU, he's old enough to have responsibility for his decision and he had plenty of opportunity to think about it, as you clearly kept checking with him.

It's not that long til Xmas, and it'll help him learn to think about his decisions in a longer term way and not be as impulsive :)

[heathermumof3]

So after a pep talk with DH I am going to stick with the presents. Going to wrap them tonight so I can't change my mind.

It's tough he will have to learn. Had my bath and a can of coke (run out of alcoho ) so feel a little better now.

Being a mum is the best thing ever but also the hardest thing. The emotional side is the hardest thing for me I think. I constantly feel like I'm letting them down. Even when I an not but i don't think I am only one who thinks like this from time to time.

[Andrewofgg]

Stand firm. At 8 he is old enough.

[thisisyesterday]

if you don't have time to go and change the presents thten don't.

christmas isn't that far off, and it won't hurt him to find that he has to stick to decisions sometimes!

if you DO have time to swap them, without having to have time off work then do that. But don't put yourself out to do it.

you aren't a shit mum. like others have said, treating your children equally is not the same as treating them identically. they aren't the same child, they have different needs and wants and as such they don't have to have the same all the time :)

i hope he has a nice birthday whatever he gets :)

[BlueFergie]

Oh it is a difficult one, but I would be pissed off enough to say sorry tough luck they are bought now.

I think its the hassle of it all that would annoy me the most. Having to take them all back and then go out again for the bike. You did warn him so you would be fair to say the bike will have to wait for Christmas.

[LynetteScavo]

I would take the smaller stuff back and get him the bike, but not say anything to him about it.

Are there grandparents who can get him one of the smaller presents?

[heleninahandcart]

Ok if he is having a party he will get lots of small presents? As life lessons go, you will be upset if he doesn't have the bike and you will crumple at the faintest sign of disappointment with any of the little presents. Its a tough one, but speaking from experience you will probably end up getting the bike anyway at some point . Also its now still summer with time to play out..

So, against my better judgement but with the benefit of hindsight it might be back to Argos for you? IMO a bike and only a bike is a better lesson (as he will see that the bike meant other sacrifices but it was worth it) than lots of small presents and no bike. Next time, any choice is between 'x' or 'y', that's it.

[heathermumof3]

I think it was down too wanting to go to his friends than go for a bike. He struggles making decisions. I don't think I am going to have time to take them back and get a bike unless I get time of work. My own fault for leaving it last minute.

A hot bath sounds good. And might sneak in a small baileys. Even in a school night

[ThatVikRinA22]

hard one that, he is only 7 years old, and sometimes making decisions at 7 is just too hard to do when you want everything!....but i bet once he sees the presents he will say he would rather have them than a bike anyway.

ultimately up to you op!
how do you feel? does he do this often? is it just genuine confusion about the choice? (rather than being a pint sized pain in the arse?)

[Nagoo]

Go and have a bath.

You've done fine :)

[SpamMarie]

I'd have to agree with most posters and say tough to the kid. You told him more than once that this was an 'either or' decision, and 8 is old enough to understand that. If you cave in now, he's at an age where he'll remember and learn and that's not a great precedent to set.

As for treating your kids equally, as long as you DS3 had a good time, it doesn't matter what you did. Plus he's 3; they don't care if they have a party or a day out or whatever at that age, as long as it's fun! Give yourself a break.

[BlueArmyGirl]

Sorry I've had wine and clearly can't type or proof read!

[Gonzo33]

My ds is 10 and if he did that it would be tough luck. If you really want to get him a bike later make sure it is for Christmas not inbetween.

[heathermumof3]

I think I just feel like shit today I have had a long day at work after no sleep and was looking forward to having 1 on 1 time with my DS choosing his bike. Then I picked lots of wounderful presents. But again I feel like I'm not good enough. Just on a bit of a downer tonight tiredness is probably why

[EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions]

Remember if you return stuff onto a card it takes 3 days or so for the money to be refunded...

[dexter73]

Why can you never change your mind though? I do sometimes as I realise I have made a mistake. I don't see why taking the presents back and getting the bike instead is such a big deal.

[EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions]

Don't take the presents back, he made his choice and if he shows a mardy face then he gets nothing

[BlueArmyGirl]

I'd be tough tbh - but it's never really bothered me to be like that.

As far as your 8 yo goes, he had his chance and made his decision - how else is he going to learn if you keep giving in, life is not like that! Also, I wouldn't be inclinde to get him a chaep one earlier than xmas either - but it yes, but store it somewhere and give it at xmas (otherwise it's pretty much have your cake and eat it!)

As far as treating them both the same - don't sweat it. Over time it'll even itself out. Kids don't need he same things from their parents at the same ages or same time. And, at the end of the day if one wants something hat costs 30 quid and the other wants something that costs fifity and they're both over the moon with what they get what does it matter.

[dexter73]

I would take them back and get him the bike. It isn't such a big deal and he is only 8.

[Takitezee]

heathermumof3 You can't treat them exactly the same all the time, please don't feel guilty. Your three year old had a day out instead of a party, it's really not a problem.

Christmas will be here before you know, it's only four months away.