to feel a bit gutted about 'bil' getting married

[momobiker]

Dp's brother has proposed to his girlfriend.

I am unreasonably upset with dp. He is over the moon for his brother, yet we are more stable, been together longer etc etc.

I feel like a sulking teenager. I want to be asked!!!

[TobyLeWolef]

Holy crap, people are weird.

If my partner was nagging, whining, moping and/or generally behaving like a brat because he wanted to get married, I'd be more likely to leg it than propose.

[momobiker]

TobyLeWolef I haven't whined, moped, nagged or behaved like a brat to my dp

[TobyLeWolef]

So he hasn't noticed at all that you're 'unreasonably upset' with him?

[Dozer]

I definitely whined and moped! After being open and honest about how I felt and lots of time passing. The alternatives, I suppose, would be to end the relationship or pretend that it's fine when it isn't (old-school game-playing).

lyingwitchandwardrobe, my (other) SIL did this with my brother during an argument, after which he refused to propose for 2 years!

[Ephiny]

I find it weird as well, don't really understand all this dropping of hints, asking to be asked etc, rules about who can say what and when. Especially when it's not even about whether or not to get married, which has already been agreed, but just about making specific plans for the wedding. I find life much simpler when you just say what you mean .

[TobyLeWolef]

It's all just a little bit ridiculous.

[Dozer]

Expect the OP is hiding her feelings in the hope that she'll be asked at some point soon and that to show her feelings could put him off proposing as it wouldn't be a surprise. Old-fashioned gal.

[TobyLeWolef]

Yep. You're right, Dozer. Old-fashioned gals have been passive-aggressively seething about not being given a ring since the dawn of time.

[Dozer]

Toby, I don't think it's ridiculous, wanting more commitment and not being sure if your partner does etc. Is a problem for lots of people. And there're (sexist but powerful) taboos about women doing the asking (and men being "trapped" etc).

It sounds like there may have been some vague discussions rather than a "let's get married" one, which is different.

[Purplebuns]

I am still waiting for my proposal we have been married a year!
We both wanted to get married and decided one morning in bed that we better tell other people this fact. We were married 8 months later.
Why don't you just talk about it?

[Ephiny]

I still don't get how logically he can propose, given that they've already agreed they both want to get married. Someone just needs to take the initiative in suggesting a date/venue and getting on with the organisation of it, and I didn't think there was any taboo about the woman doing that - in fact it's traditionally the bride who's more involved in the planning and decision making, hence the 'bridezilla' stereotype!

Or is it all about getting him to pay for an expensive ring?

[TobyLeWolef]

I think Ephiny has it.

[Dozer]

Yes, that's true toby!

Agree that talking about it is good. But some men will regard this as pressure and be put off etc.

[Tanif]

Toby and Dozer what's wrong with the OP wanting a little trinket from her DP to show he's genuinely serious about his statements that he wants to get married.

I want to live in a large house in the country with horses, chickens and maybe a cow. That doesn't mean I'm going to get it.

If he really wants to marry her, he should be producing a sodding ring. THEN she can get stuck in to making her arrangements! What's scarier for a bloke, a woman pestering for a ring, or a woman that greets her DP home from work with 'so, I booked the church for the 9th of December, clear your diary!'

[Dozer]

Am only agreeing with toby with respect to this being an age-old issue.

Ephiny, I don't think it HAS been agreed by the sounds of things.

The ring is not the issue, the agreement is.

[TobyLeWolef]

Honestly, Tanif? It comes across to me as needy, desperate and just a little bit bratty. Like "it's not fair -- she's got something I want and I deserve it more!".

I don't know the OP, or her partner, but if I were him I'd be increasingly irritated with this and increasingly less likely to want to marry her.

[omarlittlest]

as someone who has had life long horror of the big white dress scenario, or a proposal (down on one knee stuff) myself - I still have to say you clearly want this and want the traditional bit : so be honest ( to yourself) but a copy of 'the rules" or something similar in the treat ''em mean keep 'em keep' ilk .
If you want the fairytail puff ball wedding stuff/ proposal stuff then hold out cos a direct conversation between you both about who books the church and orders the flowers is not exactly the classic romantic behaviour associated with this kind of scenario and i am guessing you are looking for

[omarlittlest]

*buy

[Ephiny]

Oh well, it's different if they haven't agreed anything yet. Either way, though, I just don't get the reluctance to talk about these things, and to instead be dropping hints and playing games and plotting surprises or waiting for years to be 'asked' in the hope your partner can read your mind.

If you don't feel you can sit down and talk about your hopes and plans for your shared future, and can't even mention certain subjects for fear of your partner being 'scared' or 'put off' - well, that is an odd way of having a relationship/marriage in my opinion. Obviously it's not something to bring up on the first date, or with a casual boyfriend, if you don't want them to run a mile! But when you're in a stable, long-term relationship?

[freedom2011]

YANBU to feel like you do, - I also wanted to be proposed to because I needed to know DP chose me in the same way I had chosen him by moving to be with him. I also felt unreasonably cross and sad when everyone else was getting engaged and married whilst we were just pootling along assuming we'd get married eventually. When I moved in with (then) DP I said - I expect to be proposed to inside 2 years. If that doesn't happen, I will move out. There will be no discussion. I will just pack my bags and go. Then I didn't mention it again to him, but I certainly vented privately to an old and understanding girlfriend. Proposal came at 1 year 11 months. I wouldn't advise though if you don't have nerves of steel and your DP is likely to test your resolve or forget.

Recently DH has observed that we argue a lot less since we got married. I asked what conclusions he drew from this.
He said - That we should do what you want and we will be happier?
Me - Correct DH. Correct.

[Sandalwood]

Do you have expensive tastes in rings/weddings/seat covers etc?

[TobyLeWolef]

When I moved in with (then) DP I said - I expect to be proposed to inside 2 years. If that doesn't happen, I will move out. There will be no discussion. I will just pack my bags and go.

Wow. Just wow. I would have told you not to bother unpacking your bags.

[YouDoTheMath]

I can understand the feeling, but you'll get over it, and it'll happen when it's meant to for you.

[Dozer]

More likely, youdothemath, that she won't get over it but will hide it, and it'll happen when it's right for her DP.

[Poweredbypepsi]

you could just tell him you would like to get married not ask just talk about it.
I dont see its a big deal especially if you already have children together (dont know if op does or not)
After our dc2 was born i felt like i would like to be married so i said to dh i would like to get married - he agreed we talked for abotu ten minutes and I called to book registry office the next day, we did have a lovely wedding though!