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AIBU?

to be upset at my husband missing DD's first day of school?

47 replies

AndiMac · 18/08/2011 15:00

Husband's work takes him away a fair amount, he's often gone about 3 days/2 nights for 3 out of 4 weeks in the month. This is usually Europe and UK stuff, but at the beginning of September his company wants to send him to India for a week. I could deal with the week away as it's happened (infrequently) before, but I'm very upset about the timing. Our eldest child will start school that week.
I understand he has to do the work, but he's senior enough I felt he should have pushed to postpone it by a week. This is a one-off thing, starting school, and it makes me feel like we are lower on his priority list. I know we aren't, but that is how it feels.

OP posts:

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cece · 18/08/2011 17:17

YABU the lesss fuss the better for your DC. If all and sundry come to see them through the school gates then IME they are more likely to have a wobble. Just be calm and treat it like a normal thing not a big thing (which it is but I am sure you know what I mean)

My DH has not been present for any of my DC first day at school and it didn't occur to us to do that anyway.

create · 18/08/2011 17:14

YABU. the less fuss made the better as far as DC concerned. Didn't even occur to me to ask DH to take the day off when our DCs started school. They both happened to fall on my day off, but if not I'd have let my mum take them as usual. I took photos when they first tried on their uniform, but nothing else.

Presumably she'll be able to tell him all about it on the phone in the evening? Although she might have nothing to say TBH

exoticfruits · 18/08/2011 17:00

I expect the teacher will want you all out of the way as quickly as possible-one person per DC is enough of a crush!

Acekicker · 18/08/2011 16:49

Honestly I wouldn't get your hopes up too much about the whole 'after' bit either. Ours went:

Me - did you enjoy your first day at school?
DS - yes it was good, we had fruit AND bread after lunch
Me - what else did you do? did you make some nice friends?
DS - played and stuff, can I play on the trampoline when I get in?

And that was it - and to be truthful that's probably the most I've ever heard about his day at school.

You probably need to get used to this, if your DH travels a bit with work, chances are he'll miss things like nativities, sports days, class assemblies etc too from time to time - to be honest it's something that tends to upset the parents more than the kids in my experience (I speak as a child of primary school teachers - they never came to any of my school stuff as they were always doing their own schools events).

exoticfruits · 18/08/2011 16:44

Good grief-I'm so glad that I had mine ages ago and we just took them to school! It wasn't a huge thing. I took a photo. Take a photo and show DH.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 18/08/2011 16:31

YABVVU. I didn't see either of my daughters start school and would be very surprised if many children have both parents to take them. Making it a family trip just causes a lot of fuss and makes it more of a big deal, as far as I'm concerned as well as getting in the way for the teachers who are rounding all the children up etc. I hope that you've not told your husband that you think his priorities are wrong because that would be v unfair.

I understand that you think it's a significant event for your child but take a couple of pictures before leaving the house and leave it at that imho.

treesinthebreeze · 18/08/2011 16:19

I can understand why you're upset. Our dd starts school in Sept too and dh has requested that he works from home that day so he can nip out and we can both take her. To us it's a big deal and we're lucky that we can arrange for both of us to be there.

TalkinPeace2 · 18/08/2011 16:11

YABU

whenIgetto3 · 18/08/2011 15:49

Well our youngest will be starting school in September and so far out of all 4 of them my DH has not been in the country when any of them have started school, mostly he has been away for several weeks/months when they have started school.

So yes YABU, it is only as big a thing as you make it, take a photo and he will be able to see how she looked and there will be plenty more days when he can take her to school and experience the reception corridor chaos with the rest of us for himself

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/08/2011 15:44

Aren't you lucky that you get to see DD on her first day of school. Some people don't have that luxury.

Sorry OP but I think you're being really unreasonable and I hope you're just venting here and not making your husband feel bad. I'm sure if he could be there, he would, but he can't and quite honestly, in the grand scheme of things, it's not an 'occasion' that really matters.

Take pictures and share them with your DH, he'll have the opportunity to be there on many other milestone events.

MmeLindor. · 18/08/2011 15:41

Why don't you make a big deal of him coming to pick her up from school when he comes back from India. That would be a cool thing for her, and he could bring her something interesting that she could take in to show her friends.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 18/08/2011 15:41

Does he miss other important events as well? I am wondering if this is an accumalation (sp.) of things?

Goldensnitchberry · 18/08/2011 15:38

I never understand this - of course it's a big deal starting school, but surely the exciting bit is actually being at school, meeting your classmates, seeing what school's all about etc, not the 10 minutes of being dropped off! I always think it seems to be much more of an issue for the parents than the kids. DH and I are both teachers and can't get time off. Fortunately dd started school on my day off (I was part-time), otherwise the childminder would have been taking her on her first day! YABU.

SenoritaViva · 18/08/2011 15:32

I think you're over reacting a bit. Why not encourage your DD to keep a diary of her first week (in her own pictures, writing, photos and help from you) to give to her Dad on her return. It will be a really cool thing for you to keep in the long term as well.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 18/08/2011 15:31

YANBU. I completely get it. My DH didn't want to miss it and took the morning off work. I don't get the people saying it's not a big deal, it's a HUGE deal! (Although don't tell your kid that it will freak them out!) It's not somehing either me or my DH would have wanted to miss.

If yours really could have gone to India any other time then that is strange in my eyes. Some people just don't get excited about these things though, maybe he's one of them.

Ormirian · 18/08/2011 15:31

DH didn't make it to school when any of my 3 started. He was working. Not abroad just working.

The important bits are the boring bits - the days when daddy unexpectedly picks them up from school, the plays, the parents evenings. Much more vital that he makes an effort to be there for those things IMO.

minipie · 18/08/2011 15:30

I can understand, but I think there will be other, more important, times for him to be at home for your DD. For example, when she is sick, or when you are sick, or when she is having a tough time with friends and needs reassurance, or whatever.

I would save up the postponements of work trips for those occasions, rather than the first day of school which she will probably be happy and excited about whether DH is there or not.

fedupofnamechanging · 18/08/2011 15:28

Maybe your dh has meetings set up with other people and if he postpones for a week, then those people might not be free when he wants to reschedule and it throws everything out. Other people might have deadlines and need to see your dh during that particular week. Few people work in total isolation, so when one person postpones it has a knock on effect for lots of their colleagues.

That said, it's a big thing when your child starts school and I think it is nice if you can both be there, but so long as one of you are, that's the important thing for your child.

lachesis · 18/08/2011 15:26

In that case, Skype. DH has to work many hours at this time of year, he wasn't there for the 'occassion' of it, either. People have to work pay bills, and whilst it may seem easy to you for him to reschedule, it might not be for him as these trips are always dependent on others and not just one person. It's better to save reschedules for emergencies.

Ephiny · 18/08/2011 15:25

YABU, if you're able to take her to school, then why does he need to be there as well? Don't see the need to make a big occasion of it.

If this is a symptom of a more general problem such as you being unhappy with how much he's away from home, and lack of involvement in the DCs lives, then that would be the thing to raise with him. It sounds like he is working hard to support you and the family though, so I would try not to make it a criticism, more maybe re-evaluating whether you both have the lifestyle you want, and if not, how to make it happen.

AndiMac · 18/08/2011 15:24

As I mentioned before, it wasn't so much that I want him there at the door to drop her off. It was more the whole "occasion" of it, with getting school uniform ready and being excited to hear what happened when both were at home. At four and a half, a week later, she's certainly not going to be able to tell him much about what she did. Skype is a good idea to overcome that.

Thanks everyone. I knew I probably was being unreasonable, but needed several voices to tell me rather than just myself (or husband, which of course would not calm me down in the moment).

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 18/08/2011 15:24

My dad took photos of me the morning of my first day at school in 1966. It isn't unusual. I looked very sweet. And clean

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niceguy2 · 18/08/2011 15:23

YABU

Firstly the best thing to do is drop your daughter off and go straight away. So it's not even a 10 min thing. In/out/go. If you stand there all teary eyed sniffling into your hanky it'll just make things worse. The last thing you want to do is make it into this big ordeal for your DD.

Secondly if your H is senior then he's not really going to be able to turn around and say "Sorry chaps. Can we push the go-live for our million pound project back a week so I can drop my DD off at school?"

Presumably if he's senior his pay reflects that and the way I've always explained it to my family is that it's swings & roundabouts. If you want a job with better work/life balance then generally it's the lower paid jobs you need.

The more you get paid, the more the company expects to be able to flog you.

lachesis · 18/08/2011 15:21

I took photos! I didn't tape it, though.

Now they are past the first year, it's back to the let off and drive off. I made to take them into the yard yesterday, the first day for much of Scotland, only to be waved off by my eldest, who informed me she was capable of going on her own and taking her younger sister as well.

TheMonster · 18/08/2011 15:21

YABU. I will be working on DS's first day of school (I'm a teacher) and so will DP as he cannot get the time off.

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