Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2

AIBU?

To keep to original PILS invitation?

37 replies

pommedechocolat · 16/08/2011 12:40

PILs have never really got their head around the fact that DH moved away when he went to uni (first in his family to do so) and that we live 3 hours away from them. They did a lot of moaning about visiting immediately post dd which dh had a word with them about.

They like visits to last 3 nights minimum. Both dh and I find the visits hard whether in their house or ours.

They recently asked to see us more frequently which we totally get. DH started talking about them coming for a shorter 1 night visit as his FIL is now down to 4 days a week at work. We invited them this coming weekend two weeks ago. Quite a kerfuffle ensued and now the dog is going to kennels sat - mon (dog more than easy and perfectly welcome) and they are staying sat night in a hotel halfway down.

They're not overly wealthy and with FIL moving towards retirement will be even less so. This amount of spend and hassle surely means it can't happen as frequently either?!

I also now feel really mean - like we're keeping them away the sat night. DH says important to stick to our original request as the way to move them along to easier more frequent visits.

AIBU by sticking to sun night only?

OP posts:

Report

lucky24 · 16/08/2011 21:41

Could it be they just like weekend brakes so are making the most of it by staying in a hotel one night and yours the next? Are you thinking too much in to this and they are just having a nice night in a hotel and are happy to come for just one night?

Why stay a sunday? If your DH works on a Monday and the DC have school it seems odd that they will only then see him / the DC on the Sunday afternoon.

Report

pommedechocolat · 16/08/2011 21:47

I do agree that there should be longer visits too - as someone said 'special occasions'. This was to try and solve their frequency issues with seeing us.

Sun/mon was dh's plan so that we all get sat as just us (we get just half an hour a day all together on weekdays) and also Monday is the day fil now has off work. He was also thinking that if on Monday he goes to work and I make use of some free time then they get time alone with dd which they love.

OP posts:

Report

diddl · 17/08/2011 07:37

Perhaps when they retire you could think about them visiting in the week so that you are not always giving up weekends together & they can still see their son in the evenings?

Report

SpamMarie · 17/08/2011 08:28

I never understood why PIL choose to make things more difficult than necessary.

I'm about 2.5 hours from my parents, and we usually do day trips only (it's all I can cope with lol). Thankfully they cannot really whine, as they brought us up on the Isle of Wight, with one set of gp on the Scottish border and the other set in the south of France! Either way, it was a ferry trip (or two) and a ten hour drive. 3 hours is nothing.

Report

Megatron · 17/08/2011 08:39

3 hours is not far at all and if FIL is working I'm guessing they're not particularly elderly? I think as long as you share the visits you're being perfectly fair. How about YOU suggest that you go to see them in a few weeks time and arrive on Sat lunchtime, leaving Sunday mid/late afternoon to show them it's perfectly possible!!!

As for 'insisting' your DH eat some ice cream that would make him ill, for heavens sake he's a grown man, he needs to just tell them he's not eating it and that's that. Same goes for when his mum cooks one of his IBS triggers, he doesn't eat it and gets up to make himself a sarnie! It'll only turn into a big deal if he lets it.

Report

pommedechocolat · 17/08/2011 08:53

Thanks all - FIL is 64 (but a very fit and healthy 64, regular 5 mile runs etc) and MIL is 57. Not old and frail!

DH didnt actually eat the ice cream that time Megatron (although he does eat his mum's cooking - to be fair it is pretty tasty) I was just using it as another example of their 'head in the sand' attitude.

Last time we went to see them we made it more of an occasion as hadn't seen them for a while and dh had Friday and Thursday pm off. We drove up Thursday and then left after Saturday lunch. We got quite a bit of stick for not staying all of Sat and leaving Sunday.

Think you might be right though Megatron - next time sat to sun and show them it's fine. They don't even have the screaming toddler in the back who can only manage a 2 hour journey before exploding with anger/frustration!

OP posts:

Report

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 17/08/2011 09:05

My aunt had this. When she moved from her hometown her parents never forgave her. They actually refused to visit as they said that because she was the one who had moved she was the one who should do the visiting. It stayed like that until they died!

Report

diddl · 17/08/2011 10:17

We used to live an hr away from both sets of parents-all retired.

My parents would come over every week-in the week to spend a day, staying to see my husband for a short while when he got in from work.

Offered my ILs this-but no, they wanted a whole day with their son-so came every third Sat or Sun & didn´t bother with a week visit when they would only have seen him for an hr or so in the evening.

I mean, where´s the logic??

(He´s an only child so no other GC)

We are now abroad & they have never visited, even though we could have them here and they could fly, whereas we drive due to needing the car & have to rent somewhere to stay.

So we´ve seen them about 4 times in 12yrs & husband now pops over alone as no one else wants to go.

Report

pommedechocolat · 17/08/2011 10:23

My parents are very easy going too diddl.

Maybe sometimes in certain situations it is the paternal gps trying to prove something around the fact that often when children are littler maternal gps may see them more due to the relationship with the mother?

OP posts:

Report

diddl · 17/08/2011 10:33

Well, lets face it, I get on better with my mum, I was a SAHM d´so if arranging babysitting, I would ask her first.

But it was as if when my husband wasn´t going to be there, the children & I weren´t worth seeing.

They were so excited (they said) about becoming GPs & how lucky that we were so close-but didn´t make the most of it iyswim.

And it´s not as if we never invited them here, but there was always an excuse-would husband take time off to be with them, Christmas-too cold.

I mean how many GPs do you know who would refuse Christmas with their GC?

I think that when my husband said we weren´t going to visit they never actually believed him tbh & that he wouldn´t be able to last long without seeing them

Report

pommedechocolat · 17/08/2011 10:49

Well I think PILS will refuse Xmas this year with us as we have decided that for the first time since we've been together we will have Xmas at our house and not travel. Think MIL's head will explode at the idea of not having her family altogether on Xmas day in her house...

It's odd - they adore dd and love seeing her, they just struggle to be flexible. They say what they want but do little to help make it a reality.

I am very close to my mum and pre dd saw her a lot, we did shopping weekends etc together. Now I still see her a lot so she sees dd more. She does however drive to us for either overnight or a day and when she's here insists we go out for dinner etc etc. She's a lot easier to have around.

I know (and I understand) that MIL is jealous of this.

God I had no idea pre dd that PIL relationships could be so difficult even when everyone is perfectly nice when grand children came along!!

OP posts:

Report

diddl · 17/08/2011 11:02

I think a problem is that many women continue to have the same/similar relationship with their own mum after marriage/children.

Men-not so much.

Of course it also depends on work commitments.

As a SAHM it was easy for me to see my parents & it not impact on time with my husband-but of course my husband wanted to spend time with me & our children rather than his own parents.

TBH though, they are hard to get on with & after half an hr he´s had enough!