To want dh to arrive at this Decision himself?

[petaluma]

My dh is pretty great most of the time, but he sometimes can be a little bit thoughtless. I am heavily pg and suffering quite a bit from sleepless nights, breathlessness etc, as well as having to look after my lovely but rather spirited toddler full time. Dh does have the tendency to think I'm some sort of superwoman or duracell bunny so he systematically managed to book up all our weekends for the last two months until about 3 weeks before my due date at the beginning of October - which has been fine but it has involved a lot of travelling, organising, washing etc, on my part - and I am exhausted. I asked him a couple of weeks ago to keep those last three weekends free for just chilling, sorting out baby stuff and enjoying our last few times together as a family of three - I also said I really value his help around the house and with my ds as I am permanently exhausted. He said he understood and yes, he would do as much as he can. However, last night he comes home saying four of his mates are going camping for one of those last weekends. Clearly, he expected me to think it was fine for him to go - I'm not the kind of wife who stops him from spending time with his mates - and he went very sulky when I reminded him of what I said. He said he wouldn't go if I didn't want him to. He's now making me feel like the bad guy, yet I don't think he should have even considered going in the first place if he had truly understood what i said about how difficult it is being this pregnant and looking after our little guy at the same time.

[CurrySpice]

Ooops, sorry, I see it's been sorted. Good on your DH :o

[CurrySpice]

Say

"Of course you can go"

then casually add

"I assume you have sorted all the childcare's I'm going away too."

Then leave the room.

[petaluma]

Even better result. DH has asked work for a couple of days holiday in those 3 weeks prior to the birth to spend time as a three, and said if I wanted to just go to bed (to sleep) on those days then that's fine. Camping trip has been cancelled - suspect other wives/partners have read this thread.

His 'conscience' age has just risen from a man in his twenties to one in his late thirties.

Thanks mumsnetters!

[Gonzo33]

In these situations, I normally tell dh that I leave it entirely up to his conscience (and then watch whilst he tries to find where he left said conscience!).

had to laugh at this one. Reminds me of somebody I know

[ZonkedOut]

Good job, Petaluna. Your DH sounds a bit like mine, "emotionally dim" expresses it well. Mine will ask me if it's ok if he goes on something, and I usually say ok, but there have been times when I've said no, when I really shouldn't have been asked at all! Though fair play to him, he's never sulked or made me out to be the bad guy.

[shubiedoo]

It sounds like you have it worked out already, but I would have suggested he replace one of the weekends prior to the last 3 with the camping trip. It's actually less work for you not to have to go anywhere or pack any stuff, and it's true that he just won't have the opportunity to head off with his friends for a long time once #2 comes along.

Some of you are well hard..! We have 3 young kids and my husband and I trade off "me" time a lot, he was off for a stag weekend awhile back but I went to my parents' overnight on my own too lately.

[redexpat]

Oh yay! Well done OP!

[redexpat]

Not much use for this time around but how about writing family time/baby preparation or something similar on the calendar or in the diary or whatever it is you two use?

[HipHopOpotomus]

Great result with the chat. I think men just don't get PG at times - I know DP didn't and it turns out when I'm PG he is highly stressed by it (all the things that could go wrong with me and/or the baby) so he kind of trys to block it out. We get on so much better with newborns rather than when I'm PG

Personally I'd ask him to take DC camping ("great I could really do with a weekend off to rest up after all the busy weekends of late", kind of thing!!) and get him to reorganise camping into a child friendly version.

hope you get to chill out soon!

[scaryteacher]

In these situations, I normally tell dh that I leave it entirely up to his conscience (and then watch whilst he tries to find where he left said conscience!).

[petaluma]

Thanks everyone for your comments. I dispensed with the email idea and had a good old chat to him this evening. He seemed genuinely upset that I was, and agreed to pull his weight more.

I now realise that I just need to be more direct with him - he's not wilfully unreasonable but just a bit emotionally dim at times. I know he loves me because he thinks I'm strong and a coper, but I told him I need a bit of looking after too.

[minipie]

"He said he wouldn't go if I didn't want him to. He's now making me feel like the bad guy, yet I don't think he should have even considered going in the first place "

Oh I hate it when my bloody DH does this. He knows damn well that he shouldn't be going off to something. But he doesn't make that decision by himself. No, he asks me if I would be ok with it. Unsurprisingly the answer is no. But then I have to feel guilty for saying no.

OP, stand firm. Tell him that no, surely he remembers, he needs to be at home for these weekends. Simple as that. Oh and by the way, he's not pulling his weight with the childcare generally, and you need to discuss that with him before no. 2 arrives.

Good luck.

[G1nger]

To be blunt, bollocks to him. You are not being unreasonable. The only thing that you're doing that is unreasonable is thinking that you should in any way apologise for your thinking about this.

1. You could go into labour early
   
2. You need to save as much energy as you can for the birth (ie not wasted on pulling your weight and his around the house)
   
3. He shouldn't even need to have any of this pointed out. Since my energy crashed considerably a few weeks ago, I haven't cooked even one evening meal. That's not to say I haven't done things (eg cleaning) where I can, but my partner has taken on a share of my work because I'm just too tired myself. This is because we're part of a team - and I'm doing something valuable already for the team by being pregnant and feeling oh so tired all the time.

[Whatmeworry]

I think he's being inconsiderate, the baby could arrive in that time and besides you do need to prepare for it. It's not as if you haven't been gallivanting around.

[EllenJaneisnotmyname]

I haven't read all the thread, sorry. Just wanted to let you know that DC2 came 2 weeks early in 4 hours flat (won't scare you about DC3!) DH shouldn't even be drinking too much to drive for the next 3 weeks, let alone going away for the w/e.

[Tangle]

How far away is he going?

You could also point out that the NHS considers anywhere between 37 and 42 weeks as term and, as such, if he goes too far way he runs the risk of missing the birth of his 2nd child...

I do think you need to talk to him, though, and agree that as he's demonstrated he cant arrive at the decision for himself you might need to lead him by the hand (or kick him along the path) until he understands why you're so upset. If he tends to default into "here she goes again" mode then you might find it more effective to do it in writing that to try and have a conversation in person - at least to start with.

[northerngirl41]

How about cancelling some of the other stuff to have a bit of a break in between hectic weekends? I'm generally of the opinion that an invitation isn't a summons.

Either that or say that you want a weekend off too, so can he arrange for someone to look after the toddler and sort it all out?

[Mumofjz]

Tell him you've booked that weekend to spend at family (mums?) just relaxing and being looked after and re-charging your batteries ready for the birth and it would be wonderful for him and the first child to spend time together (as this will probably need to happen more when the 2nd is here)

[WhereYouLeftIt]

TBH, now that you've described how your 'social' life is (he plays, you hold the fort in someone else's fort), I rather think any discussion I had with your husband would begin with the words "How fucking dare you ...". And somewhere I'd insert "What bit of 'exhausted' do you not understand?" And I'd round it off with "And another thing - going for weekends EVERY fucking weekend to YOUR friends ...".

I think you need to spell out to him everything you've told us here. Because he needs to know. Right now he's blithely ignoring it unaware because he's married to, in your own words, the duracell bunny.

Let's face it, you're already hurt by his behaviour. He can't make that any better by 'arriving at this decision himself'. He can only stop it from getting worse, but he can't magic away the damage already caused. So on that basis, you might as well just go for it and sort this out once and for all.

[diddl]

I don´t think his going away would bother me if he would do all preparation/extra washing.

And if I could get someone to stay with me to help with the toddler.

[BarbieLovesKen]

Yanbu, sounds like my dh! (the thinking I'm superwoman bit)

Can only share my experience - I've recently had a baby girl (she's 8 weeks now) and things are much better, partly because dh seems to value his family the more children we have and partly because my resentment and annoyance towards him built up so much during the pregnancy that when she was 4 weeks I told him genuinely that I just wanted to separate - that it had got to a point that he was just extra work for me - an extra person to clean up after, do washing for, organise etc - he was no help and honestly, although I'd miss the company, I wouldn't miss the support or help because he didn't offer any. I think this is the shock/ wake up call he needed - because I really meant it and he's really trying. Don't let it get this far - be honest about your feelings (I like the email idea, that way you have time to mull over and not leave anything out). Silly as it sounds, I also made dh read up a little about pregnancy and what's going on in the body/ why it's so hard (in case we're ever mad enough to do this again)

You have my sympathies- Dd2 is our third - we've a 5 year old dd and (when she was born) an energetic 17 month old ds, I work full time and did up til. 38 weeks, I was studying in uni at night for my law degree and sat my exams at 38 weeks - this meant two 16 hour days per week (work and college combined) and then late night studying each night after work once dc were bedded down. This isn't to mention all housework/ lunches/ washing etc. I went 15 days overdue with dd2. There were days I honestly sat down, cried and thought my head would explode with stress. At the end of the pregnancy, I'd sometimes come in from work, play and chat with dc, bath, bed dc, do housework and then sit down to study and exclaim "I'm exhausted!!!" and he'd genuinely and innocently look up from the tv and ask "why? What has you so tired?"

I really don't think (as others have said) he had a notion as to what it's like. We've came to the conclusion though that this is partly my" fault" too - I've always done way too much and dh now expects me to be able to juggle it all, if that makes sense. Sil for example gave up work as soon as she fell pregnant with her ds, he's 6 now and they don't want anymore. She's no intention of going back to work and by her own admission. Dn is a very "easy" child (he's a lovely, mannerly and well behaved little boy), her job is to keep the house clean - which she does and her dp has the upmost respect/ praise for her - saying how fantastic she is etc (mine would never say this!), she goes away for a weekend every 2 months with the girls for a break from her ds and bil agrees she deserves this.

I know I'm rambling but do you see the point I'm trying to make? I suspect you probably do too much and because of this, your dh expects you to be able for all sorts - does that make any sense?

[petaluma]

Shoutyhamster I wish i could have been that articulate when he first brought it up.

Before kids our relationship was very 'mates' orientated which suited our lifestyle and relationship very well, particularly as they are spread throughout the country, and I love him for the fact he is so loyal and close to his friends, and he me. They have never really got in the way of our relationship, nor have we ever let them, but motherhood has made me adjust my lifestyle, and now with dd on the way, it is imperative he does the same. One dc has been ok, but with two, I'll need him to step up a bit more.

The thing is, he s always been very encouraging of me spending time with my friends but I haven't actually wanted to go away for whole weekends leaving ds like he still does. Most of my mates are mums too, and, although we do the occasional overnighter, they feel the same too. He doesn't understand that just because I don't want to disappear off for a whole weekend, he shouldn't too, well not as frequently as he does.

[Alibabaandthe80nappies]

So hang on, you go away to friends for the weekend and instead of all doing family stuff together he gets to pretend he's still a single, childless man while you do all the childcare.

He sounds like a dickhead, not a Dad. Tell him to grow the fuck up. You sound totally downtrodden.
There are no prizes for being the 'cool wife' that enables this kind of lifestyle, only a long build up of resentment.

[ShoutyHamster]

Oh dear.

'It s not that in principle I don't want him to have time with his mates, but I need him around and I don't want to have the label of fishwife by his mates - I suppose that's partly why I wish he'd not had to even bring it up with me, and just told them of his own accord he couldn't make it. Most of the weekends we've been away for have revolved in some capacity around 'his' friends - yes, I like them, get on with their wives etc, but it's much harder work for me than it is for him, on every level. He goes off fishing, playing golf, to the pub in the evening, while I have to look after dc, broker his tantrums and fiddling in someone else's house whilst making polite conversation with the mate's missus!'

Show him that.

Tell him that if he's any sort of man at all, he should want to change that situation, before resentment grows. Because it will.

A real man wouldn't let his wife be pushed into the position of 'fishwife' by any so-called friend. That's spineless. No, there would be a united front.

(whispers: actually, the truth is that the man who lets his wife be seen as the 'nag that won't let him play' only heaps scorn on himself - a confident secure person has no trouble in owning their own decisions - 'No, I'm prioritising the family for the next few weekends guys - we've No2 coming along soon' - that's the statement that, secretly, gets the respect, not 'ooh but mummy won't let me out! Feel sorry for me!) :)

Anyway.

Tell him you'd have had far more respect for him if he had the guts to own his own decisions. That you're disappointed in him for publicly 'referring the decision' back to you. That it makes you think less of him, and his friends will secretly think the same. And also point out that while you are going the extra mile to make his circle of friends yours, so that HE gets a better quality social life than you do, it might be a good idea not for him to completely take the piss. Might kill the goose that lays the golden eggs, so to speak.

[fedupofnamechanging]

Sounds like your social life is not very even at the moment and your husband needs to hear how things are from your pov. It's not much of a relaxing social life for you if you still have sole care of the toddler. Really, this needs to stop before you have two children and your husband is buggering off at the weekends and leaving you with both of them.

I wouldn't worry about coming across as a nag or fishwife. The opinions of your husbands mate don't really matter in the great scheme of things. What does matter is equality and fairness within your own relationship.

Besides, better to come across as a fishwife, than a doormat. Not saying you are, but if this continues, it's what you will become.