To not want to give my sister in law the money?

[smugtandemfeeder]

DHs family are like the maffia. Have posted before about them booking all our family holidays. Every year they book a holiday in a cottage for the whole family, they pay, they decide where and when we are going. We are all expected to turn up and if we dont we are ostracised.

DH and I are in agreement that in future we will not be attending. Never ever again if I have anything to do about it.

For the most recent holiday MIL booked a cottage which was too small for all of us. We were still all expected to go, where the hell she thought we were going to sleep I dont know.

SIL decided that she would book the cottage next door so that we had enough bedrooms and emailed to ask for us to share the cost between me and two SILs.

At the time I said I didnt want to go, I hadnt been asked if I wanted to go, hadnt been asked which week were were going for, where we were staying. Nothing. Just asked to contribute to the cottage. I said I cant afford it and I dont think we should have to pay. SIL ignored me and said she was paying my share and I could pay her back when I could afford it.

We went on the holiday and it was a fecking nightmare and we came home early.

Have now had an email from SIL asking me for the money. Its not a huge amount but we cant afford it. But we did go on the holiday and I didnt reply when she said she was paying my share to say I wouldnt pay her for it.

AIBU to make a fuss about it? Or just learn a lesson for the future. lesson learnt.

[HerHissyness]

Oh and you're right, there would still be alcohol in the food. Your H has a right to refuse, FGS, not like the world is short of chicken casserole recipes is it?

[HerHissyness]

I agree with the idea of proportionate payment. It'll be fair and it'll send a clear message that you're not being run rough shod over again. Email them all to say that from now on you'll be making your own holiday plans.

[smugtandemfeeder]

Not all alcohol is removed when cooking link but it is more about the fact that it could be a trigger for starting to drink again. If you have only just stopped drinking then wine soup coq au vin is not really the best thing to start eating as you may taste the wine, or your brain may think you are getting a bit of alcohol and may get a bit high. Its an individual choice each addict makes and DH decided he didnt want to have alcohol in food.

Anyway, whats that got to do with paying SIL back?

[Lonnie]

Cheria it made perfect sense to me..

OP I would pay as I do think by going you agreed to do so. Next time however stand firm.

[Cheria]

That wasn't a reference to the physical effect of passive smoking - more the psychological temptation. Oh I understood myself anyway

[squeakytoy]

The alcohol in food is cooked off, so you were being a bit ridiculous to turn down food on that point actually.

[Cheria]

Moomin no, the alcohol evaporates during cooking, so technically her DH could eat it. However the taste of the wine is still there which wouldn't help him if he is trying to stop drinking. physically he wouldn't be drinking, but psychologically it would be as good as. It'd be like a smoker blowing smoke in an ex smoker's face.

[MoominmammasHandbag]

No actual alcohol in coq au vin though is there?

[JanMorrow]

You'll have to pay but it sounds like you should steer clear of the MIL and FIL!

[smugtandemfeeder]

I have given up drinking too. I decided it was not going to be helpful to DH if I carried on drinking. I didnt actually say I wouldnt eat it, I just told her DH wasnt going to. She was livid. So angry. Tried to have a big argument with me about it. Anyway she made a seperate meal for me, DH and kids but FIL was cross she had made a seperate meal and kicked off.

We are saving lots of money now DH not drinking but I am on maternity leave so not getting paid at all. Back to work soon so will be paid again in a month or so.

[ladydeedy]

Oh I see - ha! Misunderstood..

[ImperialBlether]

I know coq au vin is made with wine, ffs! I just wondered why the OP couldn't drink it. I can understand why her husband wouldn't want to.

[ladydeedy]

is right though isnt it? I have a friend and every year at christmas her family descends en masse at her house. They stay for a few days. She caters for everyone. They are all ungrateful and sit around whilst she does everything for them. Her and her DH hate it. They rarely hear from them during the rest of the year.
She wrote to them all in January of this year saying she is not hosting Christmas any more. Result? Silence. Peace. Nothing.
She is relieved!!

[Loonytoonie]

ooops x-posted

[Loonytoonie]

OP, (If and) when things have calmed between you all, make it absolutely clear that your holiday plans for next year won't be with them. That way, when next year arrives, no one can tell you "oh but we've already booked for you and you now owe us £££".

[ladydeedy]

because coq au vin is made with wine. Main lesson : do not go again. Stand your ground and say no. Maybe say it now, before plans for next year are made. It cant have been a great holiday for any of the party - why dont you state it now and leave it - it will give everyone chance to get used to the idea.

[ImperialBlether]

Pay up now, in instalments if you can, then don't ever go away with them again.

I don't know why your husband agreed to go if he was coming off booze - wasn't there going to be a lot of it about?

Why couldn't you eat coq au vin?

If your husband has stopped drinking, won't you be saving a lot of money? How much had he been spending per week?

[HeyYouJimmy]

Technically speaking, if the OP pays for the nights she did stay, the IL's ARE getting some of the cost back due to the OP going. If she hadn't gone, then the IL's wouldn't get anything back. Therefore why shouldn't the OP pay ONLY for the nights she was there, after all, the cottage had to be booked anyway as there wasn't enough room for them all in the other one.

[smugtandemfeeder]

MIL asked us to go before we were asked for payment. We agreed to go, despite not knowing the date, place etc. We were then asked for money and didnt cancel.

Monkeys. (Us!) Fools. (Us!)

How I wish we had said no. I have said for the past ten holidays in a row I dont want to go but the last one was the first without alcohol so I know DH sees it differently now.

MIL and FIL were pissed off because they wanted to cook fucking coc-au-van for fucking supper and I said DH and I would not be able to eat it. FIL stared at DH and said "whats happened to you son"

[chicletteeth]

You should not have gone if you a) couldn't have afforded it knowing you were expected to pay b) weren't going to pay regardless.


They may be a nightmare but you went, you should cough up.


Had you not gone and had still asked for the money, I would have agreed that you shouldn't pay

[LineRunner]

Fuck off is a complete sentence

[WhereYouLeftIt]

I agree that since you went you should pay the money. Instalments are a great idea, and make them drawn-out enough that they get the idea that this is a serious amount of money to you. Say over six to eight months.

And it truly does sound as if being ostracised by you PILs might be a blessing - it would certainly stop your MIL interfering with your DS. You say however that it damages your DH - in what way?

And if they don't seem to hear you say 'no' you might need to consider that 'fuck off' is much louder.