AIBU regarding boundaries when it comes to dp's ex?

[farnywarny]

Dp and I live together with my son. He has got 2 girls who stay with u s regularly. He is off work for the summer and thus providing the childcare for me and his ex.

Today he has decided to look after the children at his ex's flat (also his old home where they lived together for 13 years)

AIBU to be upset and think that this is inappropriate? I have already told him how uncomfortable their closeness makes me as he has a history of going back to her time and again

[farnywarny]

@swallowedAfly* ds's dad is working until monday and then is off on shutdown for the month of august, which means he is taking ds for the month.
We have been together 18 months, and he lived with her for 2 years after they broke up as they own the flat together, and from what he tells me she made him miserable the whole 2 years - telling him to get out as he was unwanted etc - now he has more respect for her than he does for me imo

[TartyDoris]

have you talked to him about it?

[MooMooFarm]

OP I think him looking after his DC in their home shouldn't be a problem. I would be more worried about your comment of him 'going back to her time and again'.

Do you mean he's gone back to her as in having a relationship with her? And was that before he knew you?

[farnywarny]

Presumably a lot of what she talks to him about is their shared children though?

Nope - family stuff, work stuff, general chit chat

[YellowDaffodil]

If he has more respect for her than he does for you I am not sure the location of childcare is what you should be focusing on tbh.

Do you expect DP to look after his DDs at your house when your DS is with your Ex? Or are you happy for DP to go to his Ex's house to provide childcare when your son is not there?

[farnywarny]

YellowDaffodil to be honest, and I am prepared to be told IABU, but yes I do - that is where he lives and I think the girls should see him in his home now. His ex only works part time so its not like mon-fri 9-5 care he is giving during the summer

[YellowDaffodil]

family stuff, work stuff, general chit chat - so basically the stuff friends discuss, is that really a huge issue or is the problem that she expects to do this all the time? Does it take over what should be your time as a couple I mean?

[farnywarny]

Yes, an example of this is 2 nights ago when she rang FOUR TIMES in the space of 90 mins, in the evening and it started pretty much as soon as I got home from work

[bubblesincoffee]

It's not a competition who gets the most respect! She is the mother of his children and deserves just as much respect as you do!

OP, he is contributing and working then, by looking after his step son. I don't think it's unreasonable to allow him to do that where he chooses.

What it comes down to is that you are insecure in your relationship, and that is something that should be adressed.

I have general chit chat conversations with my ex, he used to do odd jobs for me before I had dh because indirectly thise things benefited his children, we talk about lots of things. We know eachothers lives and eachothers families, and we share children!!

The respect and friendship I have with my ex does not take anything at all away from the love and the life I have with my husband, There is no reason why it has to in your situation either. I can honestly say that if my husband or my ex's new dp had tried to get in the way of the relationship my dc's Father and I have, they would have rightly been told to bugger off. We worked hard to have a good relationship for our dc, and it is very very good for them to see that.

[farnywarny]

I dont wish for them to have a bad relationship. I respect her, and the fact they are friends. But I want clearer boundaries. It is not appropriate for her to be calling him so frequently and wanting him to be at her beck and call....

[YellowDaffodil]

Right well YANBU if that amount of ringing is a regular thing, it would piss me off if any friend was doing that. DH and I like to catch up and have some family time and then have some couple time after DD is in bed. I am not saying we will never answer the phone but some peace most evenings after work is not an unreasonable ask. Just explain to DP that you want some family/couple time and ask that he communicates to her that she needs to respect that. Obviously there will be time when she needs urgent contact regarding their DDs but she doesn't need to call every night to catch up. If he is encouraging this he needs to stop, does he ever ring her? Does he ever ignore calls?

It think you are fighting a losing battle when it comes to where he has DDs when he doesn't have your DS. However if you are working all summer and supporting him which seems to be implied I would think he will be picking up some slack in the house which means you can reasonably expect him to be there rather than gossiping with his ex when she has finished work.

If he is having your DS when he gets back from your ex perhaps you can suggest he has all the kids at yours as you are concerned his DDs do not see your home as their fathers home and therefore don't view it as their home too. I would approach it as you wanted them to always feel that their father's home is their home and that the door is always than as wanting to stop him spending time with his ex iyswim.

[bubblesincoffee]

I agree that it's not right that she should phone him as often as you say. Unless she is calling with a good reason, she is being disrespectful to you, and him by phoning that much.

I don't think you should give him too hard a time about it though, if her behaviour is going to start to annoy him, it's best that that happens in it's own time without input from you. He is in a difficult position, and it's good that he wants to help her out with things - he did have children with her.

My dh did feel uncomfortable at first with me and my ex being such good friends, although he knew he just had to put up with it, and he told me recently that one of the things that helped him feel better was doing a little bit of making his presence known. He would always hang around when the dc were being dropped off and try and involve himself in the conversation, stuff like that. I didn't know at the time, but he was making a concentrated effort just to be there iyswim. He says it helped him see that he had nothing to fear, and that he was more than welcome to be part of the whole arrangement, especially because I always did what I could to include him.

Is there anything like this that you could fit into your situation? Go over to the flat to pick dp and ds up or something?

[revolutionscoop]

Actually op, I don't think you're being at all unreasonable, and am surprised by some of the responses above. There's a world of difference between having a mature and civil relationship with an ex, and the sort of chin-wag phonecalls you describe, which are frankly disrespectful to you as the new partner. The ex is an ex for a good reason, after all.

[LikeACandleButNotQuite]

YABU for expecting him to do all the childcare in your home, regardless of how suitable it is/unsuitable the alternative is. His children should get to spend some of their time in their own home this summer, just like yours will.

He is with you now, not her, so don't drive yourself mad in that respect (unless of course he has a history of "going back to her" whilst with you, in which case YABU for putting up with that).

[NotaDisneyMum]

YANBU - the children have a home with their mum, and one with their dad, you and your DC's and their Dad caring for them in their Mums home (with or without your DC's too) is bluring the boundaries; especially as it isomewhere that they used to share with both parents.

The nature of the relationship between separated parents should not be influenced by DC's imo. The extent of contact & friendship beyond "civil and co-operative" is not critical to DC's wellbeing, and in fact, close friendships between ex-spouses can lead DC's to false hope that a reconcilliation is possible.

DD10 said that she wanted me, her Dad and our new partners to all spend time together with her sometimes - no, nada, nope, never going to happen, no matter how much she may "want" it

If you are uncomfortable with your DP's choice to spend time in his exW home, but he chooses to do so anyway, and uses his children's wellbeing as justification for doing so, then I think you have grounds for being upset.

[exoticfruits]

It just seems a sensible solution to me. His DCs are going to be much happier and easier to look after in their own home.

[Nancy66]

I have a stepson - if my DP DIDN'T care about his mother it would make me far more concerned.

My DP decorated her new house, assembled some furniture and did the garden - he wants his son to have a nice home.

You are a relatively new person in his life - i think you have to expect his first thoughts to be for the comfort and protection of his own kids and not your daughter

[bubblesincoffee]

Revolutionscoop - it is not disrespectful to the new partner to maintain a friendship with the person you created children with, not at all!

Some things in OP's situation may cross the line, such as excessive phonecalls, but as someone in OP's dh's position, I can promise you that I am in now way disrespectful to my husband whom I love very much just because I have a friendship with the person I share children with. My dh would say the same.

These are not balck and white issues, they are complicated and it is far too simplistic to say that parents should be no more than mature and civil towards eachother.

I prefer my children to be part of one large extended family who all put the dc first, rather than two separate families with a big black line drawn down the middle.

[NotaDisneyMum]

These are not balck and white issues, they are complicated and it is far too simplistic to say that parents should be no more than mature and civil towards eachother.

I agree, I didn't mean to imply that it is wrong if ex-spouses are friends; but imo, it should not be forced only because the children want it to happen......an integrated approach where one member of the family is unhappy is just as, if not more damaging, than having two separate, but harmonious family units

My DP and his exW had a very turbulent relationship and divorce; after which, they met up once or twice for coffee to settle a few practical issues. Despite the fact that their DD knew exacly how much animosity there had been between her parents, when she found out that they had met up, she immediately asked if they were getting back together, and she went through the emotions of loss and sadness all over again when they assured her that they weren't