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AIBU?

to be mad at my cousin for calling this man a dirty pervert?

49 replies

OscarLove · 15/07/2011 18:49

My cousin and I were on the bus this morning taking our DC to school and nursery. The bus was very busy so I sat near the back with my DC and 2 of my cousins children and she sat at the front with her youngest DS who is 4 sitting a few seats infront as there was no room for them to sit together. It was a smallish bus so I couls hear what was being said at the front.

A man got on a few stops later and stood at the front, just infront of where cousins DS was sat. The man was in his early 40's I would guess and was watching my cousins DS I noticed. He had a little smile on his face so I thought he must like children and perhaps cousins DS reminds him of his kids or whatever. The man then gave cousins DS a £1 coin and told him to go and treat himself to some sweeties. My cousin then said 'keep your money you bloody paedo, I've seen you staring at my son you dirty little pig' and threw the coin back at him. I then intervened and told the man I was sorry for my cousins behaviour and that my cousins DS would treat himself to some sweets and thanks very much for his kindness, and he handed the coin back and looked grateful that at least someone was appreciative. My cousin then stomped off the bus early, leaving me to take her DC to school. I tried to ring her, but she's hung up on me twice!

OP posts:
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HairyFrotter · 15/07/2011 19:22

DD gets a pound nearly every time she gets on the bus from different OAP's. They have always asked me first though. So not unreasonable at all imo.
I would have been embarrassed in your situation OP but it wasn't really your place to say that the child could have the money.
Does your cousin often go off on one like this?

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OscarLove · 15/07/2011 19:23

alice, that's the thing. He was watching the boy and everyone on the packed bus could see him. When he offered him the pound, I could hear the man talking to him from the bus, so the man wasn't trying to hide anything!

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HoneyNorwegianRidgebackdragon · 15/07/2011 19:23

It's perfectly common place round many parts of the uk for people to do this, if your cousin wants to teach stranger danger that's not how to do it

Yanbu

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FannyFifer · 15/07/2011 19:30

What awful behaviour from your cousin, poor man.
People regularly give my kids a penny for a sweetie. Never thought anything sinister about it.
Very common occurrence in my part of Scotland.

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toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 15/07/2011 19:31

oh the poor man! he didn't say "here's a pound, now would you like to come home with me, little lad?"

i am in rural north scotland and would be stopped at random by people (mainly elderly but many others too) when DS was little and in the buggy and they would put a "silver" coin (but often a pound) under his blanket for good luck. On one trip to Edinburgh one extremely welldressed older city gent type in a pinstripe suit said how much DS reminded him of his nephew, (he sounded really wistful) and gave us £20!! kept DS in nappies and breadsticks for the rest of the trip!!

Its still very common here for him (now 5) to strike up a random conversation with anyone on the bus/in shop/in supermarket Q and blether happily on. I am very glad he can have a relaxed and happy attitude like this. There will be time for the Stranger Danger talk when he gets more independent and wants to go out on his own, but for now he is learning that most folk are really nice!

I feel so sad for your cousin's kids, that her attitude will tell them that most strangers are pervs/to be feared/avoided/. Yes, there is a place for Stranger Danger, but SHE WAS THERE!! so they should have been ok!! Leaving them on the bus with you was completely OTT and out of order. Talk about a drama queen. I really hope her 4 year old hasn't come out of this thinking "if i do something that i don't know is wrong, but mummy thinks it is, she will go off and leave me" that would be very cruel.

I hope you can talk to her and find out why she reacted this way...

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Andrewofgg · 15/07/2011 19:35

The man, for obvious reasons, no matter how well-intentioned, should not have offered money and one of you should have explained clearly and politely to him why not. But her behaviour was gross.

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Vicky2011 · 15/07/2011 19:39

Yes probably a better response from you would have been to apologise for her behaviour but say that you agreed he shouldn't offer kids money. That said there is NO justification for your cousin's behaviour, she sounds like a complete nightmare and I feel very sorry for her kids :(

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OOAOML · 15/07/2011 19:41

I'm in Scotland and some people give money here - mainly to babies, and I think there has been a move to giving the money to a parent instead, which I think is better as it can be a confusing message to children to be given something from a stranger.

I often smile at other people's children on the bus, I'd hate people to think I was dodgy.

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hester · 15/07/2011 19:45

Your cousin's reaction was so extreme that it makes me wonder if she has been abused herself, OP? Or is she always like this?

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HowlingBitch · 15/07/2011 20:08

I have never typed or said this before but, What is the world coming too?!

I'm from Belfast and I can always remember getting 50p coins from random people. It's for luck. It used to be just silver coins as other people have said but DS (3yo) has always gotten pound coins from people cooing over him on buses etc.

Would it have been differnt if it had been a women, Andrewo?

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Xales · 15/07/2011 20:26

He was offering the money in front of the mother! It's not like he was doing it out of sight down a dirty alley way Hmm

If she had an issue she could have politely said I am sorry but please don't as I tell my children not to accept anything from strangers.

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BlueFergie · 15/07/2011 20:36

YY to giving 'silver' to kids for luck. It happens in Ireland too. Had it happen a bit with our two. I am sure it is better for the man to have offered vis the parents but FFS there was clearly no harm intended considering the location and the presence of supervising adults.
Far better to let the child accept the money and explain after that they should it was only OK to accept because Mummy was with and says its was alright, rather than embarrassing the poor man by refusing.
What your cousin did was dreadful. How humiliating for the poor guy. And there we have another perfectly innocent man afraid to be nice, speak to or even look at kids in case they are called a 'paedo'

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seeker · 15/07/2011 20:38

I don;t believe you.

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Letz · 15/07/2011 20:48

Your cousin was BU for leaving her kids on the bus. Very unreasonable. Is she depressed?

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HoneyNorwegianRidgebackdragon · 15/07/2011 20:53

I think, tbf, those of us who are comfortable with the money being handed over are ones who have experienced it, around us.

I can honestly understand someone who has never encountered it before and is a new parent, perhaps like andrewf feeling uncomfortable with it and wondering whether there is some strange motivation behind it.

Certainly we've had threads on here over the years where people have asked if it is normal and are reassured to find out it is.

I not only have had my children experienced this act of giving, particularly on the bus, as well as myself as a child. But I have also done it myself on occasion, usually 50 pence or a pound, normally if I was on my own a particularly nice child is talking to you or being very good. I always check with the parent though.

I think most people are motivated like I am, it is nice to give and make people happy especially children, it is also nice for children to see they are part of a society as a whole and that society appreciates them and their behaviour.

I still think your cousin was wholly out of order though, and really disgusted that she left you to care for her children. She set her children a disgusting example and showed the very young ones that she if, in effect prepared to abandon them, seemingly out of nowhere.

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MumblingRagDoll · 15/07/2011 21:00

God. Eldery ladies AND men are always giving my DD coins when we go on the the bus! We live up North and it's actually a tradition....it's a lovely one with roots going back hundreds of years when a new baby was out and about people would "cross" the baby with a gold coin and place the coin in the babys hand for keeping bad luck away.

When I first took DD1 out in her pram, all these older people kept laying pound coins on her blanket and I wondered what was going on! When I got home, my Mum asked "Did she get many pounds"" with a face like this Smile and it was lovely...to know all those people had good thoughts for DD.

DD2 is now 3 but people still put a coin in her hand on the bus etc...just 20p or even 10p but she always says thank you! People like your cousin are so sad.

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seeker · 15/07/2011 21:00

The cousin does not exist.

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NurseSunshine · 15/07/2011 21:19

I'm in the north. I hope people start filling my dd's pram with pound coins Grin

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AgentZigzag · 15/07/2011 21:34

Because it's an outlandish story, or do you know something about the OP seeker?

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alew · 15/07/2011 21:56

IMO your cousin was out of order. Granted perhaps the man should have given the pound to your cousin and said to spend it on sweets for the DC. I have old people speaking to my kids on the bus and in the park etc all the tine, (obviously when i'm with them) dd1 won't talk to strangers now she's 5, goodness knows why coz when she was 3 she'd talk to anybody.
I watch kids on the bus, no i'm not weird honest, I usually think stuff like, wow they're talking well, or I wonder if I could do dd's hair like that, or I remember when dd was that little.

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seeker · 15/07/2011 21:57

No, no inside information.Just not a credible story. Sounds like a "And you'll never guess what she said then...."

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lalabaloo · 15/07/2011 23:56

I'm from up North and it is tradition to cross the baby's palm with silver. I probably wouldn't offer money to an older kid though, although I have offered breadsticks (after checking with the grandma) to a child who was on the bus looking longingly at the breadsticks the little one I was with was munching on

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Abcinthia · 16/07/2011 08:25

I'm from the South East and remember getting 50p coins or hard boiled sweets from people when I was a child.

But as for your cousin, she was really out of order. If she didn't feel comfortable with the money, she should have said in a polite way that her children don't accept money from strangers. There was no need for what she said to that man or for her to storm off the bus abandoning her children.

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CheerfulYank · 16/07/2011 08:34

YANBU. I used to be a nanny and was riding the bus with the three boys one day. A man gave me some candy for them (obviously unwrapped) as he was getting off the bus. I told the boys that it was fine because I was with them but that they could never ever ever take anything from a stranger without me or their mum or dad, etc. I gave them the candy and a woman on the bus started yelling at me for being so irresponsible, "that man was likely a perv", blah blah blah. It was horrible! Scared the boys to death.

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