Ok, in a nutshelly but long post, our old flat, our NDN was apparently my best friend, one night at a party, she and DH were caught in a toilet cubicle (how very classy), then she spent the following fourteen hours in my home because she wouldn't leave, then I was slowly dripfed horror upon horror by the two people I trusted most. :(
But HEY! Apparently they didn't sleep together. (I believe they did and I believe I know when)
The only reason I forgave DH was the fact that I found out that we were at least victim number three. (I have reports that she is now onto a new victim but that's another thread!)
Because this is what she does. Wheedles in, goes for your husband. And I had nowhere to hide from her because she was right next door.
So in the course of mending our marriage (which was hard due to the constant cackling from next door), our DS was concieved, and quite frankly, my son saved my life.
OK, so she tries to wheedle in again, fails, stalks and harasses me to the point we have to get the police involved. They read all the letters and texts, and told us we should have dialled 999 on at least two occasions. Just knowing that they took me seriously and were in my corner was a huge comfort. But I couldn't go into my beautiful garden because she would go into her garden, and start playing love songs such as I am a Woman in Love , really loudly. She would go into my front garden and to weeding and cut MY buddleaia back, approach and touch my DCs on the school run, and cackle for hours on end. Even worse, her long suffering DH would have a go at me for upsetting her - I had ordered her off my property. 
What with that, my DH having shaken me to my core and the fact that we were by then six of us in a one-bed flat, I had a slight breakdown all over the floor and ended up on strong antidepressants.
At this point I need to say that after our first DC together, DH pretty well much withdrew affection and relations. Having found out what I found out on that night , I presume that seeing the birth brought back memories for him and so apart from the marriage mending days, our sex-life is pretty much zero. I try to understand because of what happened to him, but it is hard to live without affection, especially when you have issues and anxieties - although I have always been...quirky, these issues got worse while living in that flat and after DD was born - this is maybe why mum hates DH.
So, after my meltdown, we managed to get housed and now I have found the strength to come off the chemical cosh and am fast becoming the Lunabelly I once was. So we are at the present day.
He has recently joined twitter. Yesterday, because I obviously feel a need to keep vague tabs on him, I looked at his profile page, and there was a porno type profile that he was following. So I looked through his list of people he follows, and there were about 15 pornoesque profiles. So I fired off a text along the lines of "I should have fucking slit my wrists when you were first caught out because all these years I have forgiven you and tried to accept our affectionless marriage and YOU'RE FUCKING LOOKING AT PORN"
So he did his usual overreaction by saying "They weren't porno, and I'm giving up work because if I'm with you 24/7 you'll learn to trust me"
I told him, if we had a normal marriage, it wouldn't have bothered me so much, but the fact that we don't, well, it's like a punch to the heart.
Yes, I have put on weight - because of the pills, stopping smoking and being so bloody unhappy, but HIS past had infected our marriage long before the weight gain. Again, I do my best to be understanding in that department.
We DO love each other, and we know we need to communicate, but everytime I try and open a dialogue, he does his hissy fit. I asked him if we should end it so I can find someone who actually loves me, and he gets upset and says "NO! I love you".
Sooooo...after that long post (so you can't accuse me of drip-feeding!), AIBU for having trust issues? WWYD?
AIBU?
...to have difficulty trusting DH?
Lunabelly · 01/07/2011 09:57
"... but he then gets upset, and tells me that he knows he has problems, that he loves me etc and that I should know that."
He knows he's got problems. Agreed. But by not dealing with them, he's making them YOUR problems. I think it's going to need to be an ultimatum -he gets help or the marriage is over and it's all his fault. 
Going out with friends sounds a good idea, you could do with spending time with people you can relax with.
... but it doesn't change anything?
I cannot see how your marriage can continue if he will not engage.
As you said, the porn would be less of a problem if your marriage was 'normal'. But what it says is that he feels the need for sex, but not with you. Massive rejection. Massive.
What has he said about going for counselling? Either singly or joint?
If i was with someone who had cheated with my friend, stopped showing me affection and made me horribly insecure then i would leave because anything would be better than that.
The porn is the issue the trust is and you must be awfully on edge for you.
You deserve better than that and you would probably happier on your own eventually.
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