At odds with DH over family duties...who IBU?

[circumflex]

We (DH, me and dd (15 months)) were due to travel this weekend abroad for a family event in DH's family. We didn't go in the end as dd has pneumonia and doc told us not to. I knew this was coming and tried to warn DH that she wasn't improving fast enough but he didn't believe me and so was very disappointed.

DH is big into family duty and feels very badly for not being at this event. Also I think he's upset his plans for a family holiday in the sun are ruined. However honestly he's getting on my nerves about it. We went to my parents today (dd perking up a little) and he moped about the first while not talking to anyone til I asked what was wrong and he said ' can I not feel saad about it' and later ' oh look, our plane's left now, we could have ben on our way...' Etc

Ffs I do feel badly for him but I think he's being over dramatic. Our dd is ill and them's the breaks with small kids.Besides I had sympathised with him loads before but enough is enough.

Now he wants to fly over on his own in a few days if dd is well enough.It'll mean leaving us for 5 days. I think he should focus on his own family and enjoy some time off together at home and make the best of things. I told him as much and he says he's ' conflicted'. I understand he wants to do right by his family but I think we should come first, especially with a sick dd (he doesn't appreciate that she's still quite sick btw). Who is being unreasonable?

[risingstar]

let him go- do not make it an issue of you forcing him to choose.

[diddl]

And I don´t think that him wanting to go alone is not putting you first.

Sometimes you just have to do these things!

[meltedchocolate]

YABU. I think he could go alone in a few days. HIBU for excessive moping.

[Collaborate]

This is just one of those things that you have to sort out between you. I presume he'd be horrified if he found out you'd started this thread. It's not that big a deal either way is it?

[GnomeDePlume]

YANBU but I dont get the whole extended family thing.

DH & I are nuclear family people, DH's brother is an extended family person and doesnt understand why DH and I dont turn out for 'family' stuff. Equally we dont get why he does!

[Wafflepuss]

YABU, if dd is well enough for a trip to your parents then she is well enough for you to look after for a few days whilst he catches up with his family.

[ivykaty44]

I think your dh has to come to terms with the fact "you and dc" are his family and his family abroad are his extended family and they must not take him away from his family duties at home.

If he wants to mop then possible that is his nature and he would best of being sad at home not visiting people and make them feel uncomfortable.

he needs to sort out his emotions and grow up tbh

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

I think YABU, like waflepuss said, if your DD is well enough to go to your parents, she's well enough for you to look after her on your own.
My DH always goes away for 2-3 weeks and leaves me with DD on my own. Admittedly she is 10 now, but he went when she was around 3 and DD ended up in hospital with pneumonia. She survived, I survived and DH knew nothing about it till he came home.

[tazmin]

i was going to suggest he went alone, so thats probably the best solution.

[TartyMcFarty]

I don't think the OP is talking about a couple of days though. It sounds to me like the holiday must be a week minimum and that's a long time and distance for a father to be away from a poorly baby, and v unfair on OP too. They would have been irresponsible to take her before she'd made a full recovery too.

YANBU. DH needs to grow up.

[meltedchocolate]

She said it would be 5 days...

[GnomeDePlume]

I think this is going to end up as one of those threads where the nuclear family and extended family people stare at each other over a chasm of incomprehension!

The nuclear family people will not understand why he particularly wanted to go in the first place let alone moped about it afterwards.

The extended family people will not understand why he shouldnt go now that the child is on the mend.

No one is right, no one is wrong. OP & her DH need to have a sit down and a talk about family priorities and come to an agreement.

[ivykaty44]

I think what annoys me about the op's dh is that his family at home are really important to him "family orientated man" and yet his family seem to take second place.

If this man wants to go away then fine - but get him to stop making out he is keen on family duty - as he clearly isn't that way - which is a fine way to be if that how you are

[circumflex]

Hi all, OP here,

Thanks for all the comments. Ok to clarify a couple of things:

DH is not from abroad. His family live here. We see them regularly. This event is being held abroad as a holiday for the extended family, combined with this event.

One of his close relatives however is moving abroad (elsewhere) for an extended period of time. He hasn't seen this person since Christmas. He's not bothered about parents etc. it's this person he feels a duty (and of course love! and wish to see) to.

We both agreed not to go when told by the doc that we shouldn't travel with dd. I didn't prevent him from going. He didn't want.

He only wants to go if dd is recovered in the next 24-48 hours.

No I don't think he totally appreciates how serious her illness is, though granted she is improving. The visit to my parents was her first outing since she got sick, she enjoyed it but it doesn't mean she's fine so I disagree with some of the posters on that.

DH has been good helping me mind her through her illness but it's been mainly me. I'm using the holidays I would have used to take the trip to mind her this week.

Can I just say also I know it's not black and white, my OP may have seemed that way but I recognise it's a dilemma and not easily solved.

Also whoever said he'd be horrified to know I'd posted here, well, what else is new about AIBU??? Sorry, I didn't realise it was reserved for matters of national importance! This may seem small to you but it's the little things that make up life.

[ivykaty44]

DH is big into family duty and feels very badly for not being at this event. Also I think he's upset his plans for a family holiday in the sun are ruined.

this is the bit I picked up on and took objection to.

[TartyMcFarty]

I know he's now talking about going for 5 days (which is still, imo, a long time away from a poorly DD), but as I understand it, they haven't gone on the original flight, which would suggest the planned holiday was longer. Some posters are suggesting he should have gone alone in the first instance, which would have been a long time to expect OP to cope with a sick child on her own.

I agree with the poster who implied that his interpretation of family duty seems to extend to going off on a jolly with the rellies, but not putting the recovery of his DD before that.

[nooka]

circumflex, how close is he to the relative who is going to be away for a few years? I can see why he was gutted about missing the family all being together on holiday, that sounds like a lot of fun to me, but of course you couldn't go.
I just wonder because my immediate family includes both my children and my parents and siblings, whereas my extended family would be cousins, aunts/uncles etc (although some people can of course be very close to their extended family, it al depends on how you were brought up).

[mumeeee]

YAB a bit unreasonable. While I think you were right not to take your DD on a plane. You did go to your parents so presumably your DD was well enough to do that. Your DH missed the family event. So I think you should let him so what he wants to now. It's only for 5 days and he is going to see his family not having a lads holiday.

[circumflex]

Nooka, it's a sibling, so I understand why he doesn't want to miss it. The event hasn't happened yet, it would happen in the 5 days he wants to go in. In fairness he is trying to find ways of getting there for the minimum amount of time (maybe 2 days) but the travel options available are limited.

[nooka]

If it's a sibling then I'd try and find a way to make it work. But then my siblings are very important to me and I've emigrated myself (and not seen my big sister for three years), so I'd tend to see it from his point of view. Of course I am making the assumption that your little one is on the path to recovery, although not well at all.

[dreamingbohemian]

I think you should compromise and he should go but for only 2-3 days (if he can make the flights work).

I had this situation earlier in the year, DH had planned to go abroad for 5 days to see a very good friend and DS took quite ill just before he left -- not ill enough to make it obvious he should cancel, but enough so that it could have gotten worse, and I probably wasn't going to get any sleep while he was gone. But, realistically he was never going to see this friend again (moving to Asia) so I really pushed him to go. It was fine, no I didn't sleep, but me and DS had loads of cuddle time and ice cream and DH and his friend had a great time.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable really (well except maybe the pouting) but it would be great if you could compromise and sort of put the issue to bed.

[QueenKate]

I can understand why you'd want the family time together still, this is your holiday time too. But as you said, with young children plans do change sometimes... It would be shame for your DH to miss out on seeing his sibling before they move abroad (if she's less critical then it only really needs one of you to look after her) and get to make the most of some of his holiday time.

If DD improves then YWBU to begrudge him still going for a few days (although you'd be within your rights to feel a little bit hard done by ;-))

I hope your DD is feeling better.

[meravigliosa]

Sounds like he doesn't have to miss all his holiday for his sick child, but you do. How convenient that there is a pressing family commitment attached for him.

[ENormaSnob]

Yabu

her illness isn't that serious if she's able to visit your parents.

[SootySweepandSue]

I don't think he should go. Your DD is only 15 months but imagine if she was 5/6 and she realised he wasn't at home with her and was off on a jolly instead. Do Dads really have holidays without their kids?

My DP often gets annoyed when social plans get curtailed because of child-related issues such as illness. I think it is actually as he is selfish deep-down and doesn't get the priorities the same way us mums do.