At odds with DH over family duties...who IBU?

[circumflex]

We (DH, me and dd (15 months)) were due to travel this weekend abroad for a family event in DH's family. We didn't go in the end as dd has pneumonia and doc told us not to. I knew this was coming and tried to warn DH that she wasn't improving fast enough but he didn't believe me and so was very disappointed.

DH is big into family duty and feels very badly for not being at this event. Also I think he's upset his plans for a family holiday in the sun are ruined. However honestly he's getting on my nerves about it. We went to my parents today (dd perking up a little) and he moped about the first while not talking to anyone til I asked what was wrong and he said ' can I not feel saad about it' and later ' oh look, our plane's left now, we could have ben on our way...' Etc

Ffs I do feel badly for him but I think he's being over dramatic. Our dd is ill and them's the breaks with small kids.Besides I had sympathised with him loads before but enough is enough.

Now he wants to fly over on his own in a few days if dd is well enough.It'll mean leaving us for 5 days. I think he should focus on his own family and enjoy some time off together at home and make the best of things. I told him as much and he says he's ' conflicted'. I understand he wants to do right by his family but I think we should come first, especially with a sick dd (he doesn't appreciate that she's still quite sick btw). Who is being unreasonable?

[circumflex]

Hi all.

Thanks for all the replies. It seems a mixed response, so on balance I'd say neither if us was BU. It was unfortunate timing all round.

Update-he's gone for 2 days, he'll make the event but come home after. Dd is thankfully on the mend.

[diddl]

I never said it was!

She was well enough to go out then, so would probably be OK for daddy to go away now-that´s what I put.

The father isn´t intending to go until his daughter is well enough.

[nomoreheels]

A day visit to see Grandma when you're just starting to feel a bit better is not the same as a journey abroad! Also I wouldn't want to be left behind to deal with a still poorly DD so my other half could go on holiday.

[diddl]

"As the OP said, children get ill, priorities have to change"

And they did change-no one went.

But they did manage to get to OPs mum on the day they should have flown.

So it would seem that the daughter is well enough for her father to go away now & be part of the "event".

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

I don't know, GnomedePlume, I am a big "extended family" person, but no way would I attend a family party abroad if my child had pneumonia (even if they were on the mend).

And if I did that and my family got wind that I'd left a seriously ill toddler in the sole care of my husband, they'd think I was a dick. I can just imagine the disappointment on my Dad's face.

Family duty means your own children come before family parties. Anyone who doesn't get that had a weird idea of both duty and family.

[Lonnie]

YAbu to feel he can't be disappointed when you are at your parents house. I live abroad from the rest of my extended family and I feel sad when I know they have big get togethers. I do. Not see any reason as to why your dh can't go over now if your dd is better. I think the poster that commented you would wish for your dd to feel you were still important when she has children of her own. He should not have sulked no but then think it was spectacularly insensitive of you to take him to see YOUR family on the day you were meant to be with his.

[Mumwithadragontattoo]

YABU I think. Your DH should go over there for his sibling's event. He is happy to go for as short a length as possible to attend the event but it still works out as 5 days for flights. I think that is very reasonable of him. The fact that he says he will only go if DD is well enough makes him more than reasonable. To be honest unless DD was very seriously ill I think he should have stuck with the original plan and you should have looked after your daughter (perhaps with your parents' help). It would be different if this was purely about a holiday but for a special event that must take priority.

[GnomeDePlume]

WidowWadman you seem determined to read in my posts things which I am not writing!

I have not said that I dont want to be part of my children's lives as they grow. What I have said is that I dont expect it (in the sense of demanding it as of right). If you are close to your siblings & parents then fine, that's nice for you and your family if that is what you and they want. Not everyone's experience of family is the same. Not everyone wants that same level of closeness where the only connection is that they are family.

IMO the OP is not being unreasonable. It seems strange to me that her husband wants to spend a lot of time and money going to see a sibling rather than staying home and spending time with his wife and recently recovered child. As the OP said, children get ill, priorities have to change.

[thumbwitch]

It is not unreasonable that he stayed behind while your DD was ill.
But if she is better enough then I think he could go for a few days if he wants to.

I would not have been remotely happy if DH had tried to skip off on a family holiday while DS was sick - it would have been so irresponsible, especially with such a young child, they can get so much worse so quickly! However, once on the mend, they usually improve fast as well - so if she was already mending when you started this thread, he should be all right to go by now.

[Sn0wflake]

I can see why he would mope but I would be very upset if my DH left me with quite a sick child. It is very hard with a sick 15 month old. Also childcare is a 50/50 thing with us. Anyway I just don't think he would do it (not for five days).

For me two days max away with this sort of situation.

And for all those people who said they would just have told their partners to go in the first place (on something that sounds like it's 7 days +) do you see your role as the child carer and they get to do what they want - or would you leave a sick child for that long with your partner?

[nooka]

I agree WidowWoman. I belong to two families, my siblings and parents and also my husband and children. I would consider it very unwise to drop your own family when you form another - my siblings and parents support was totally essential when my dh went off the rails. If I had dumped them when I stopped living at home I would have had no one to stand by me because friends, whilst lovely do not know and love you in the same way.

However my dh hasn't spoken to his immediate family for two years, so I know not everyone thinks this way (although I think his family dynamic is sad and dysfunctional).

[CocoPopsAddict]

Sounds a bit odd. Does he think you are responsible for DD, but he isn't? E.g. you had to warn him she was sick (didn't he realise?!), then he whines at you?

I think he IBU - YANBU.

And if your DD is still sick, he shouldn't go.

[WidowWadman]

Oh, and with reference to "taking a step away when they build their own families" - I'd be bitterly disappointed if my parents wouldn't want to be a part in their grandchildren's lives, or if my siblings didn't show interest in their nieces.

[WidowWadman]

What I'm saying is that I don't get that if you value the nuclear family so much, why do you consider it normal for it to grow apart?

Geography needn't affect closeness - I live in a different country to my parents and siblings - I only see them twice a year - but I couldn't be closer to them if I tried. Closeness is a state of mind, nothing to do with physical proximity.

And obviously, once you're not living in the same household anymore, you spend more time with other people - but that doesn't mean that they become less important, or less worthy of an effort to be made to see them once in a while, and especially for special occasions.

Personally, my siblings are not "extended family" for me, neither are my parents. They're family, without any qualifier attached. Extended family I always thought refers to aunts, uncles, cousins, however many times removed - I'm actually also close to my extended family, but can understand if people are less into the big extended family thing.


If my children would feel any different when they're older, I'd think I've done something wrong as a parent.

[GnomeDePlume]

WidowWadman what do you mean by important? As my DCs build families of their own I expect that DH and I will take a significant step away to give them their own space. At the same time I expect that the DCs will step away from each other as they develop their own lives. This is a normal part of growing up. It doesnt mean that we dont love each other.

Everybody's experience of family is different. Closeness in families can be affected by geography. It can be affected by age gap. Above all though I think it is simply a personality trait. I dont think that nuclear family people are better or worse than extended family people.

IMO the OP's DH is putting his sibling above his immediate family. That to me seems wrong.

[blackeyedsusan]

he is trying to compromise by going for 2-3 days and only if she is a lot better and it is a special event.

I would make it clear that he needs to give you time of to recover yourself (from the worry/care of dd) when he gets back (it is often when they are recovering and the adrenalin subsides that you need time)

hwbu to mope so much at your parents. he should have told you how he felt before you went.

[Dozer]

Yanbu, he should put your dd first and quit whinging. health comes above everything. It wouldn't be good if he went away and she then had a setback in her recovery and you had to handle it alone.

[caketop]

yes, you are being unreasonable. do you always live in each others' back pocket? what a waste that his plane went without him. let the man go

[FabbyChic]

Children come first, I'd say though that if it is possible for him to travel on his own in a few days time then why not?

[WidowWadman]

GnomedePlume What a sad view of your "nuclear family" if it ceases to be important once the children hit adulthood - where's the point?

In your view, does love expire with time?

[GnomeDePlume]

LolaRennt - not if they have their own families, no. I expect them to be no less than civil to each other and to us. If they continue to get on then they may spend more time together but I dont EXPECT it just because they/we are related. I would hope they/we would enjoy each others company but if that doesnt happen then I wont EXPECT them to dance attendance on each other or us.

When they have their own families I expect them to take precedence (by a very long way).

I dont now hang out with my mother or DH's parents. We visit because we get on. We are all far too old for hanging out anyway!

[LolaRennt]

GnomeDePlume YANBU but I dont get the whole extended family thing. DH & I are nuclear family people, DH's brother is an extended family person and doesnt understand why DH and I dont turn out for 'family' stuff. Equally we dont get why he does!

So do you not expect your kids to hang out with you/each other when they are grown up?