To be furious with my husband

[QuestionTime]

On my iPhone so please ignore any typos!
Totally furious as well as very hurt and upset. Been together almost 5 years and he has always been a snorer, especially when drinking. Not usually a problem as I leave for spare room when it gets too bad. However when we have people staying over or are visiting the various in laws I usually end up on the sofa after trying to ignore and sleep through it for many hours (it even wakes me up through ear plugs. A real shake the vibrations if the house style.)
Anyway about a year ago I end up sleeping on the bathroom floor of his brothers house, curled around the toilet desperately trying to get some sleep before the long drive home (I always drive as don't trust him after drinking so much the night before. Couldn't use their sofa as they had just installed a monster noisy fish tank in the lounge)
A couple of days later he said that when he knew he was wasted he would just stay on the sofa as it made no difference to him- he can sleep anywhere any time.
A year later he has not done this once.
Last night his bro was over and as usual they got very drunk together. He came to bed about two and woke me up about 30 times in 3 hours. He wouldnt even turn on to his side even when I begged him to (he is worse on his back)
I came downstairs but it isn't very comfy and I was so upset I couldn't sleep. Got more angry and hurt as I lay there, and decided to go and wake him up to give him a tast of his own medicine (normally i tiptoe out so as not to disturb him.) Anyway he gets up, grabs the boat keys and leaves without a word to go and sleep on the boat.
I'm so hurt and upset. This prob happens about once a month when bro is here or we visit him- and I wish just occasionally he would give me a thought. I also work in an office whereas he works from home and can have a lie in if needed. Ambu?

[Happymm]

Suspect this isn't just a couple of sessions a month, especially if he's plastered for a second night, drinking alone, by 7.30 :(

[thenightsky]

I feel your pain OP - my DH is a snorer too.

It beats me that the jails are not full of women doing time for murder to be quite frank.

I find that waking him up every time he wakes me up rams the 'bugger off to spare room' message home.

[Georgimama]

still feeling confident the OP's husband doesn't have a drink problem, cricketballs (note I said he sounds like he has a drink problem, not " he is an alcoholic" - there's a difference)?

If he's asleep on the sofa leave him there all night if need be. Don't wake him, just ignore. And move him into the spare room, not you.

[hellospoon]

he is obviously showing a complete lack of respect for you. don't be anybodys door mat.

[40winks]

I have this problem and I would just LOVE to have the guts to set myself up permanently in a separate bedroom.

[PhilipJFry]

I would be furious as well in your position. It's absolutely disgusting that he thinks you aren't allowed to even LOOK upset at being called a "dick". It's obvious that this incident is one in a long line that have made you feel unappreciated and it's not surprising you're starting to reach breaking point.

[mrsbiscuits]

Ok so I get this one because DH's snoring is a nightmare....and yes worse when he's had a few beers. We don't have enough rooms for a spare room so luckily DS1 has a double bed ( mainly because he falls out of a single) In addition we have a really comfy modular sofa that can be made into a super comfy bed. Failing that if we have guests and there is nowhere left for me to go I have purcahsed a cheap "readybed" from Argos. Because I need to sleep and I am going to make damn sure I can no matter how loud he gets. Yes I wish he would shut up or someone would find a cure. I also wish he would get up and move to another place to sleep but he doesn't ( mainly because he's too busy sleeping) so at the end of the day it's up to me and by the sounds of it it's up to you too.

[iwanttoseethezoo]

Ugh - you are not being unreasonable - i would move into the spare room permanently! he is a dick.

[QuestionTime]

An update- after calmly talking it through and explaining why I was upset he said he understood and was sorry.
He then proceeded to get plastered and fell asleep on the sofa snoring his head off at 7.30. Don't think he could have displayed more clearly how he doesn't give a shit about my feelings. Oh plus he called me a dick on Friday night- and when I looked upset said that he didn't want to be with me if I got upset about it.
Aibu to move into the spare room. Just disgusted with him.

[cricketballs]

a couple of 'sessions' a month with his brother does not make him an alcoholic.

[Binfullofmaggotsonthe45]

And record him snoring so he can hear how bad he is! My dh was in denial, then he went on a stag do and shared a room with 4 blokes.

He woke up in the morning covered in shoes!

[MrsLevinson]

Just saw that Adagoo put what I was trying to say, but much better.

[MrsLevinson]

I feel your pain OP, my DH snores when he's had a drink though not to this extent. Get him to take the kids as Georgimama says so you can catch up on your sleep. Also the next time he goes out drinking, arrange beforehand where he will sleep. Don't let him get into your bed, decide together when he's sober that he will sleep in the sofa/car/boat. Make him realise that it's not fair that YOU suffer for him getting drunk.

[TheFowlAndThePussycat]

What gilbonzo says. (great name gilbonzo!)

My uncle has sleep apnoea and has one of those masks. If it is apnoea it's not just affecting you (although I have no doubt about how miserable you are ). It is probably affecting the quality of his sleep seriously & could be putting him in dangerous situations, eg dozing off whilst driving.

We now think my dd has it, caused by having big tonsils & adenoids - she actually can't breathe through her nose. You can hear her snoring in the next room too & she's only 2!

[NorksAreMessy]

OK questiontime I have been where you are and I feel your pain.
DH is totally gorgeously kind and considerate, but will not do anything to prevent himself snoring(lose weight, cut down on booze, see GP) and I found myself beginning to hate him.

After much discussion, we decided to save our marriage (not an exaggeration, it really was that serious), we needed to buy a larger house with two proper bedrooms, one for him...decorated in his style, one for me, decorated mainly in laundry baskets at the moment.
We have visiting rights...which is quite good fun, and perfect sleep.

This was 20 years ago, and am am glad we did, although at the time friends and family were appalled. I love him soooooo much more now, than I did when I hated him sounding like a motorbike in bed next to me and I was knackered every day

[Adagoo]

When he has recovered enough to be reasonable, explain slowly and clearly why you need him to sleep elsewhere when drinking. He agreed before, so he's probably going to agree again. Then when he speaks about drinking, you say 'remember you agreed to sleep [wherever]' and go on and on about it. I'm the type to stress that if he tries to sleep in my vicinity I will tip water over his head, but maybe you won't need to do that.

Make it abundantly clear than you are NEVER going to stand for this selfish behaviour ever again.

You should have been waking him up from the very first time he started this. I don't understand why you have martyred yourself to it .

Good luck.

[Georgimama]

My snipy tone was to cricketballs not you OP.

Once he has recovered from the hangover I suggest he takes the kids somewhere for a couple of hours and you lie down.

[QuestionTime]

He does binge drink- you are right

[Georgimama]

It's called binge drinking. I'm sure you've heard of it.

[QuestionTime]

Thanks everyone. And I honestly was curled around the toilet - no exaggeration! Seriously the snoring is so loud that going in the corridor etc wasn't and option - there needs to be at least two shut doors to even vaguely block it out!
No he is not overweight.
It's a standing joke with his family. He once woke up his brother in the next bedroom when they were younger. His brother went downstairs to the lounge to get away from it- it was so loud that he still couldn't get to sleep so ended up going down another floor to the basement kitchen! They all think it is hilarious - but the lack of sleep combined with him not giving a shit about my feelings is what drives me mad. He didn't go to the boat as a martyr gesture, he went because he didn't want to be in the house with me whilst I am upset.

[Binfullofmaggotsonthe45]

I totally understand the pain of sleep deprivation through snoring. My husband is on the sofa bed as we speak. I was actually hospitalised as a result.

I kept getting cluster migraines because his snoring caused bruxism in me. (unawares that the noise levels caused me to grind my teeth so hard that i split my front tooth) they were so bad one night I had to go to hospital.

He won't stop smoking or lose weight, so he's "transferred" to another room when i get physically shattered.

I don't think you are being overly dramatic, when your tired you may try and sleep anywhere! There are times in the night when i have been so tired and upset i have actually felt like punching him in the face.

It does sound like you need to plan a bit more and try to get him to calm down on the booze if that is the only thing that causes it? So if you are going to meet up then i would insist you had your own room or sofa, or tbh I would stay home and enjoy a quiet nights sleep.

If he snores all the time however, then he needs to see his gp. My dh tried a mouthguard, it was rubbish, then i had to sit up all night watching him snore then suck the mouthguard in and out with an additional slurping noise.

Is he overweight? That can be a huge factor.

[cricketballs]

Georgeimama not sure how you have come up with he has an alcohol problem when the op cleary stated "This prob happens about once a month when bro is here or we visit him".

[Georgimama]

Sounds like he has an alcohol problem to me, tbh. In any case he sounds like an inconsiderate arse and I can't believe some of the other responses you have had. Clearly you should just suck this up .

[GilbonzoTheSecretPsychoDuck]

You should get him to go to the doctor and ask about sleep apnea. My dh has this and the breathing mask he wears at night has really helped. I don't think anyone can truly understand the almost physical pain and rage that snoring of this level can cause if they haven't gone through it. Sleep deprevation is a form of torture so no wonder we get angry and 'irrational' and I completely understand your anger at the 5am martyr movements - a whole night of no sleep is not made up for by 2 hours of peace when it's too late to get to sleep because you know the kids will be up anytime.