Drop and go party- can I stay?

[JackyJax]

I'm a normally relaxed mum of DS5. He's done one drop and go party before with a friend of mine who I've known for 5 years.

He's now been invited to another drop and go party by a little girl in his class at school. The girl's mother works so I've only spoken to her twice before- very superficial coversation due to lack of time, hi, how are you, etc. I met the dad once at a children's party. Both parents seem really nice, down to earth, friendly, etc. Child also seems nice.

BUT I don't know the parents: they're really complete strangers and I'm not that comfortable with my son going to a stranger's house.

I understand why invite is drop and go- it's a pain catering to parents and kids are often better behaved when parents aren't there- and I know my son will be fine.

However, I really want to stay for eg 20 minutes just to get a better feel for the parents, etc. Is this unreasonable. How would you feel if you had arranged a drop and go party and a mum said, 'Hope you don't mind if I just hand around for 20 minutes to make sure x is settled, then I'll be out of your hair.'

Husband thinks I should just let him go and I agree but would like that 20 minute period first.

Would this be ok?

[Tee2072]

Exactly Curry. I think this has very little to do with safety and very much with a mum who doesn't want to let go.

So really the only option is to not let your son go to the party.

[CurrySpice]

Oh sorry op the balcony isn't at the party house. But the point remains....

[SuchProspects]

OP From some of what you're saying it sounds like you're not comfortable with the community standards where you live. That's a hard position to be in and I have some sympathy. Long term you probably want to make more effort to get to know a lot more of the parents of your DC's friends so you know in advance who you would trust him with.

A 5 minute snoop is still a bit rude IMO, but one you can probably get away with. I still think your basic position is to take the risk or drag your kid away though. If you've come to my house and tell me something I think is fine isn't you might have done the right thing for your conscience, but your option would basically to take your kid away or not. I might make conciliatory gestures, but my risk tolerance isn't going to be altered by a person I hardly know having a word at the start of a hectic party.

[Meglet]

Yanbu. I dread the day we get our first drop and go invite. My house is child proofed up to the eyeballs but other peoples houses might not be.

[exoticfruits]

No, it wouldn't be OK. Drop and go.

[meditrina]

No, it's not OK. You're not only not invited, you're specifically excluded.

Whether that is a reasonable thing for the hosts to do it a separate issue, but they have done it.

You might be able to hang around for 5 minutes or so "to check he's OK - he's only been left once before" - but this won't give you carte blanche to look around the whole place (maybe just hall and sitting room near door, not the entire premises). IME, when you have extra children on the premises, the hosts up their parenting to minimise the chances of anything untoward (well, I did) - and it is appropriateness of activity and level/attitude of supervision that counts much more than layout - and you will not be able to assess that in the few minutes whilst guests are arriving.

You need to decide whether you are ready to let him go alone, or whether to decline the invitation.

[Icelollycraving]

They have stipulated it is drop & go. Do that or decline the invite. Definately don't try to hang around for 20 minutes,think that is a v sure way to piss off a harassed parent mid kids party who will be thinking 'what is not clear about drop & go??!'
If you need to do some sort of risk assessment then I think it's clear you are not ready to leave your child anywhere yet. Being protective is natural but I'm unsure what you would do in reality if you see something not meeting your standards.

[pigletmania]

YABVU, your son is 5 not 15 months. This is about the age that they are normally left alone in parties, not all the parents of the kids will know the party parents. I would stay with my dd aged 4 if she was invited to a party as she does have possible ASD (awaiting dx) with social communication and speech and lang developmental delay, but as she gets older (less clingy and more confident) I would dearly love to drop and go. Her behaviour is fine but is is very clingy to me at the moment for some reason, mabey its because I am pg with dc2 mabey!

[pigletmania]

If your not happy with it decline the invite, and wait until your ds is a bit older to be left alone.

[EssentialFattyAcid]

Going against the grain here, I always stayed at parties when my dd was 5. There was usually blood at these parties as there were a couple of violent kids in her class. None of the parties was at someones home, but I wouldn't leave a 5 year old in the charge of a stranger at a party.

Don't be scared to refuse the invitation, they generally get one a week anyhow!

[CristinaTheAstonishing]

I'm a working mum who only knows other parents superficially. Luckily, kids have others coming over without safety risk assessments beforehand. Amongst those parents you chat with on a regular basis, have you been into everyone's house?

[magicmelons]

YABU sorry i completely understand your reasons but this is the partly the reason for the death of the at home party, people can't cater for 15 kids and parents that might not want entertaining but the host will most definitely feel under pressure to provide it. Having hosted a number of parties at home i can assure you that it is very stressful. If one stays i can guarantee more will stay.

If your not happy with the circumstances the polite thing is to decline the invite.

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

piglet - DD1 got super clingy when I was pregnant with DD2. On a thread about this issue a mum of 6 said this happened with each of hers :)

OP Tee2 (sorry can't remember all the numbers) is right - your option is let him go, or keep him at home.

Your DH seems fine with it - why not let him do drop off? Then you won't be there fretting about whether to leave.

[MrsSchadenfreude]

If I were the host, I wouldn't have let you in the house! I'd have removed the child from you at the door, and said firmly, see you in two hours. Hovering mothers are an utter PITA for the host. One managed to get through the door at one of our parties (her DD was 6) and did a tour of the house, uninvited, went into our bedrooms and criticised the cake, saying she thought it looked too rich for small children (it was chocolate). No-one does a children's party on their own - she will have roped in friends to help out and supervise.

Oh yes, and I had another mother who hovered until 2300 when her daughter came for a sleepover party (DD was 9) "in case she is allergic to anything in your house." We were already having a gluten/dairy free party to accommodate this child and had no pets...

[exoticfruits]

If I was the host I would have let the DC in and said brightly (on the doorstep) 'I'm sure she will be fine, write down your contact number and I will phone if there is a problem-see you later'.
You are getting to the stage where she will be invited to tea by schoolfriends, you will not be able to see CRB documentation, risk assess, inspect the kitchen or have the menu in advance for approval.

[Omigawd]

Chat on the doorstep when you drop him off, unless he is the only child there and the house is full of dirty old men in macs then leave him and go.

If you did what you are proposing I think your ds may be invited to far fewer parties as you are guaranteed to p*ss of the parents

[passivelyaggresive]

I think you should go there with a list of Health and safety checks and insist that the parents are CRB checked before you even consider letting him go.

Alternatively you go, leave your telephone number with the parents, hover a bit and then go and enjoy a couple of hours peace. Leave the parents to the chaos - i would imagine that there will be other carers there, people often enlist other parents who they know well, or relations to help with party.

You could offer to stay and help

[passivelyaggresive]

I dont think you will be expected to drop at the door - most parents will offer you in to settle your child anyway, i would have thoguht

[TidyDancer]

You either need to accept the drop and go aspect, or don't allow your DS to go to the party at all. I also have a five-year-old DS and I can't see a problem with trusting the parents. I don't think you can really hover at this party without being seen as a giant pain in the arse.

So YABU.

[exoticfruits]

I would bet the DS hasn't a problem and wouldn't give a backward glance-it is the mother with the problem!

[pigletmania]

SCOHN must be that, I am only 8 weeks and haven't told her as I am not showing would not really understand, but I think she picks up something. Even when I left her with dh for a few hours (which she is normally fine with) she was screeching for me. Its worse as I have morning sickness and have to rush to the loo sometimes, and have a screaming dd on my tail crying 'mummy' 'mummy'

[pigletmania]

I cannot wait until the time when she is fine enough be be dropped off at parties and me go away, lovely. She is getting better and better, and since dd turned 4 in march has matured a bit, but still developmentally behind her peers most times, hopefully will catch up like I did at her age.

[pigletmania]

I did drop and go to a party dd was invited to a few months ago though. It was a MacDs party, and I just sat in the main bit eating a big Mac, whilst dd was in the party, and I was in easy reach if dd needed me (which she did)

[Heifer]

If this was in the UK I would say YABU, but I think because you are in Aus, and will have different dangers to what we are used to - how many of our friends have an unfilled swimming pool in the back garden! therefore in my mind YANBU.

I didn't let my DD (7.5) go to a party recently purely because I wasn't comfortable with the parents, the party child and the fact they had a bouncy castle. I did not trust that the parents would monitor the children properly on the bc, or that they would stop their child from hurting mine. (Something that happens at school)..

The following week I had no problems letting DD go to another party, again with a Bouncy Castle, but with parents I vagually knew and trusted and a lovely well behaved party child.

Some people will have different safety standards,and some people do seem to let their children do things that I may not be comfortable with.

In your shoes I think I would ask if they minded if I stayed for 5 mins until DS had settled, therefore putting your mind at rest.