AIBU? On the one hand I feel like a bad mother, on the other I wish everyone would butt out

[Endo]

This might be long.

DS is not quite 2yo and to say he can be a handful is putting it mildly but it's only when we're out because at home he's a completely different child.

We go to toddler group and he's like a tornado. He rushes in and dashes from activity to activity like a ball of over excited energy. The other kids are 2-3yo so he's a few months younger and they just sort of look at him in shocked silence while many of the other mums, but not all, stare with judgey expressions. At toddler group on Tuesday he rubbed his painty hands into a little girl's hair, shovelled sand from the sand pit directly onto the floor, and kept dragging out the toys from the baby group's cupboard. I spend most of the two hours pulling him away from the toilets where he will chuck all the loo roll into the toilet if he gets the opportunity. When I'm not chasing him out of the loo I'm chasing him back into the room. The door doesn't lock so he often runs out into the corridor and tries to join the adult education classes or staff meetings going on in the other rooms. He snatches toys off one child and will try give them immediately to another child so that he can take whatever toy that child is playing with.

At other people's houses he's just as bad. He has a cousin the same age and I have friends with children the same age so he gets lots of playdates. He tries to wander off into the kitchen or bathroom, if there's a closed door he has to see what's behind it. He flings the toys everywhere. If there's a button or switch it gets pressed. He turns the TV on/off, opens all the DVD cases and takes out the DVDs, picks ornaments up, chases pets, and is generally boisterous.

I'm expecting to be flamed for being a lax parent and not watching him or guiding him but I do. I don't hover over him but I do watch him and as soon as I see him do these things I stop him, I tell him why he can't behave like that, and I either show him the right way like how to share for example or I take him away like when he's touching things he shouldn't. I take him out of the room or situation of need be and calm him down before going back. At our house he's totally different. He's not an angel, no child is, but he's much calmer and plays in a totally different way. He's a lovely boy and even when we're out he's not nasty or spiteful and while his behaviour isn't acceptable he's not actually doing it to be deliberately naughty he just gets too excited and forgets that there are boundaries and wants to do everything his own way and everything at once.

I'm getting pressure, mainly from PILs, to get him tested for behavioural problems. They keep telling me he's not normal and that none of his cousins were like this at that age. They also say things like there are no naughty children only lazy parents. I tell them he's not naughty and they agree he's not but then say he's not like other little boys though. They think I should start tapping him bum or the back of his hand because telling him and showing him obviously isn't working in their opinion. I've tapped him hand once and we were both in tears afterwards, him because I'd tapped him and me because I felt physically sick by it because I felt like I'd lost my temper and therefore lost control.

On the one hand I feel like a bad mother because the things I'm trying to teach him seem to be taking forever to sink in and despite months and months of it we seem no further forward. The faces and comments of the other mums and PILs makes me feel like I'm failing him and like I'm letting him run wild, children are a reflection of their parents is anther favourite PILs keep telling me. But on the other hand I feel like everyone should just bugger off and butt out. He's so loving and has a sunny personality, he's bright and inquisitive and imaginative and for all he can be wild he loves other children and loves getting out and about, I make a point of going out each day with him even if just to the park. He's an almost two year old, he's not going to sit still or act perfectly or be sedate. Yes he can be wild and I feel frustrated but if I keep repeating and repeating and setting the tone it'll eventually click, I would have thought so anyway. I hope.

I knew this would be long! I just feel so confused. I want him to be wellbehaved but short of strapping him to a chair I don't see what more I can do other than keep going with what we're doing, DP and I are consistent and we both sing from the same page when it comes to reining him in, I feel like it is just a matter of his age and that he'll calm down as he develops. I worry though that he's not normal, especially when I'm getting suggestions I should get him tested, and I dread toddler group because of the judgey mothers but don't want to stop taking him because he does enjoy it especially song time.

Bloody hell I need a

[JamieAgain]

I do agree Dandy, about stepping in and always, always apologising (my DS2 used to push, and bite given half the chance, and for no apparent reason at this age). And I agree about not putting yourself through the stress of going places, usually places you feel you ought to go to.

[humptydumptynumptymumpty]

Do you want to bring him round our house instead of the toddler group? (I hate toddler groups anyway). Dc3 is just like that, only he's a whirlwind at home as well. Sure they'd get on like a house on fire. Actually, if we took our eyes off them for more than 3 seconds the house might be on fire...

Is he your first? If dc3 had been my first I'd have been worried it was something I was doing wrong, but dc1 and 2 are pretty normal. Dc3 just doesn't stop. Ever! Just so sweet and lovely, but climbs everything, if there's nothing to climb he'll carry a chair into the room & climb from that onto the thing he's trying to reach; he'll take everything out (yy to DVDs), creates utter chaos in the blink of an eye...

I reckon tell pil etc to butt out. Maintain boundaries that matter (the ones that involve basic safety) and wait it out. Personally, I maintain it's a sign of an intelligent, curious mind & as he gets older he'll probably still be a nightmare calm down a bit

[RedHotPokers]

My friend's DS was JUST like this between 15 and 24mo. She stopped taking him to groups for a while as he was just too manic and heavy handed. He is now getting on for 2.5yo and has calmed down a LOT. I really think it is most likely to be a phase.

[WelliesinJune]

Have you heard of sensory integration/processing disorder (I think that's what it's called)? I think my DD has it. Everyone tells me her behaviour is normal when I talk about it, but I see enough other children of her age to know. There are different types, and different levels of it. I think my DD is "over-sensory" (again nor sure this is the exact terminology). I have recently cut out all TV in the day, she just watches about 40 mins or so of a kiddie DVD before her bath and is like a different child.

[wompoopigeon]

Smack your PILs. They sound much naughtier than your DS.
Look, children grow up fast, and not quite two is very young. There's a tendency to expect them to behave like three year olds, and I think that's totally misguided. I found my DD difficult at that age but she settled as she acquired better language skills so could explain what she wanted, and so I could reason with her (after a fashion).

[passiveaggresive]

you know, your DS doesn't sound anything like my DD or any of my friends DDs when they were two - nup, he sounds like, well, how can i put this kindly - he sounds like a normal little boy!! Phew, he sounds like a whirlwind - you have your hands full thats for sure, but he just sounds like a very bright, active little lad to me. All the boys i know were the same to varying degrees, some of them worse, the friskier they are, the brighter i have seemed to notice.

Tell your PIL to but the fuck out, and tell them quite straight that you will NOT be smacking your child and they had not even so much as think about it

[superjobeespecs]

ah the joys :) my sis has this problem with my nephew right from the word go he's been running mad hitting shouting we needed to keep an eye on him constantly my sis is sick of my saying he'll grow out of it as even tho he is now 4 and a half and fairly calm in comparison to age 2/3 he still needs a regular firm telling, firm reminders of what isnt acceptable especially in my house as my sis is more of a shouty smacky mummy in her home. i do think its something they grow out of and your DS is too young IMO to be tested for behaviour problems

[JamieAgain]

Having said all that, I do think that with issues of safety - eg running off, you need to be firm. Warn him if he runs ahead, he will go in his buggy, then do it.

[ProjectGainsborough]

Ohh... this sounds so familiar. DS can be just like that. You sound like you are doing a great job, so ignore mental well-meaning advice. You just need to figure things out as you go along, i.e. what might trigger the insanity. What works for us is quieter playgroups where he isn't 'forced' into group activity, repetition... and wine (me, not him).

[rookiemater]

DS was a bolter and toddler group was hell, stop going and tell your In laws that you have no intention of hitting your young child.

In retrospect I wish I had been a bit firmer with DS I didn't realise that it was an option to say strap him into the buggy if he ran away one too many times and thought that I shouldn't inhibit him at all. If he is like DS he won't like toddler group anyway, far better finding a play area or park to roam

[JamieAgain]

I also agree that children behave worse in front of people who are critical of them/your parenting. They pick up on your anxiety and the negativity of the other person.

[sizzlers]

He's too young to be assessed for behavioural problems IMHO . You have been given lots of fantastic advice on here
My ds was a little like this when he was small , we mostly kept him occupied with outdoor games , football , parks, playgrounds etc so he could run himself ragged without annoying other people (all well and good during the summer months) .
Smacking a toddlers hand / bum is pointless , he will not understand why you have done that to him and you will feel upset at yourself for losing control so ignore your PIL's .
It does get better i promise .

[joben]

He sounds just like my DS2 when he was the same age, even down to the toliet rolls down the loo, I used to take a spare wherever I went in anticipation. He sounds very curious, excited and inquisitive. He could also be over-stimulated by the other children/toys etc, so perhaps arrange play dates in the open air where he and his friends can run freely (god I sound like a right bloody hippy!) BTW my son is now 10, is still very active, very inquisitive with a thirst for knowledge and an active, independent mind. I totally agree with WOD, he will probably turn into a lovely boy especially as he has a mummy who is trying so hard to understand him. He just needs some time to learn how to self regulate his behaviour, don't worry what the other mums think, how do you know they didn't go through the same thing a few months ago, all my friends with boys did!

[JamieAgain]

Wanted to add - my last post suggested DS2 wasn't normal at 2. I think he, and your son sound well within the normal range

[WriterofDreams]

I would say it's just a phase. I've worked with children who have behavioural problems and their behaviour doesn't change at all at home. The same is true for children with "lazy" parents - in fact their behaviour usually gets worse at home. The fact that he can and does behave pretty well at home would make me think that being in groups is just too much for him at the moment. When he's at other people's houses you're just going to have to shadow him a lot until he can regulate his own behaviour. He sounds like a bright inquisitive boy. If it's any help a lot of the kids I've known who are like your DS grow into really interesting lovely children who can be cheeky but who are generally a lot of fun.

[LaWeasel]

I have to say, he sounds like the exact opposite of my DD - she is so painfully shy at groups, but at home runs around like her bum is on fire.

I have definately met kids like your DS - my assumption has always been that that is more normal, and they're just overexcited.

Everyone has worried moments. But with my DD, I do think it's just a phase, and I think it will probably improve when she is old enough for pre-school and she gets used to social situations where I'm not there...

Maybe your DS will improve then too?

Or park sounds like a good plan. :D

[tomhardyismydh]

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[tomhardyismydh]

he sounds like my DN who is now 4.10 and gets on very well at school, he is still very boisterous and aggressive at times but my dsis does you and takes all these things in hand, he is maturing and has been complimented allot lately at school on his kind nature towards his other class mates, he has no problems sitting and concentrating at school and behaving.

My dsis was worried when he started pre school but he did well their also. I think if he isnt enjoying his play group I would not take him. my dsis would stick to friends and family who were happy and able to accommodate him. I dont think this shows any signs of behavioral problems or SN, and he is to young to be accurately assessed to be honest.

[sunshineandbooks]

Endo, how do you feel about your son? Do you feel he may have a problem or do you simply feel that even though he's hard work at playgroup he's perfectly normal and ok? What's your gut reaction?

IMO, most parents know if something is not quite right, so listen to your instincts. If you think he's fine and it's just a phase, don't let other people make you feel bad.

FWIW, he sounds exhausting but perfectly normal to me.

[Piggyleroux]

He sounds like my 14 mo ds! I was like this at that age as well. I avoid too many toddler groups for this reason.

What helps me is to take ds to the park for half an hour before we go anywhere to let him run off some energy. Seems to work for us.

[JamieAgain]

DS2 was like this, BTW, so I do know. I considered myself to be an excellent parent to DS1, then DS2 happened . He's a lovely normal 8 year old now

[JamieAgain]

Oh, and you are right to not want to smack him

[bumblingbovine]

Ds was exactly like this, you can also add hitting other children out of the blue to that. I did hover over him constantly and that meant that he didn't get the reputation of being a particularly difficult toddler as I would be able to intervene/stop/remove him in time around 90% of the time. We also did end up leaing quite few places if I felt he was getting too wild. I would usually then take him to a quiet part or something to calm down or home for food and a rest.

I didn't always manage to stop all the "out of the blue" hitting but I did often enough for Ds to be no worse than other children his age. It was frankly exhausting though. I would attend toddler groups but would take breaks for a couple of weeks if ds seems to be particulalry difficult on any particular day.

I am sure your ds is fine but Ds definitely went into asort of "sensory overload" when out in places that offered a lot of sti mulation. He was better at home, but he still was quite a handful even there. Ds (6 yrs old) does now have some behavioural problems but my friend's ds who was similar does not.

I don't think the things you are describing mean your ds has behavioural problems at all but if I were you I would take him to the toddler group less often and I would really follow him everywhere and "play with him" a bit.

I know these places are seen as somewhere to meet adults and relax by some parents but I just saw them as a change of scenery for ds. I didn't see then as a chance for me to relax much.