Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Unflip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

AIBU?

To think picking a 4yr old child up by their arm and throwing them on a sofa

161 replies

devonsmummy · 16/04/2011 08:34

is totally unreasonable - followed by 4 mansize smacks to the bottom?

OP posts:

Report

GypsyMoth · 16/04/2011 18:45

glad you're ok op

but i fear this wont be the last of this kind of thing

you sound scared of him

devonsmummy · 16/04/2011 18:43

We are ok thanks been out all day and H been at work - due home soon.
He has apologized on the phone and said it will never ever happen again.
If it does we will be out the door for sure
His dad was heavy handed and left when H was 10, he wet the bed until his dad left.
They are very similar and I pray this is the last of it - he cannot bear to be compared to his dad.
Gotta go he home

OP posts:

Oblomov · 16/04/2011 17:42

Just to correct Fabbychic, who was incorrect in her posting :
"Any form of touching a child in anger which is what smacking is is abuse.

Sorry, but smacking is abuse."

Thats not true. Smacking is not abuse. Smacking is not illegal, in the UK.

The Op's situation is entirely different, and very worrying.

onceamai · 16/04/2011 17:20

This thread was started at 8.34am. The OP last posted at 8.53am. I hope to goodness the OP and her son are OK. OP, if you are out there please could you touch base and let us know you and and the lad are alright.

sorrytosayivebeenthere · 16/04/2011 17:12

Omg your little boy, That is defo not on, You punished him, that should be enough, Why your H felt the need to take it further is beyond reason,

I remember when my ds was potty training and did a poo where he was standing, I told him off and took him to the potty, a few minutese later his dad went into the bathroom, shouted at him and slapped his face, There are very few times I stood up to my ex but this was definatly one of them, My ds is 14 now and still remembers this.

chocadoodle · 16/04/2011 15:44

I grew up in a loving home with my 2 parents and younger sister. I used to get a smacked bum for being naughty, mainly by my Mum and never very hard. I think a lot of families punished this way in the eighties. My Dad "smacked" me twice that I can remember. Both times he lost it. One of the times I went flying backwards and cracked my head on the way down. Dad was immediately sorry and I thought I forgave him.

I still have a good relationship with both my parents. However, no matter how much I know that my Dad is a good man who lost it only twice in the 24 years I lived at home, I don't think I have got over it. The feeling of confusion I felt, along with the physical pain and then sympathy for him as he was so upset by his own actions were too much for a child to deal with. He went too far and I was a child. My Dad was physically and emotionally abused by his own father, as was he by his. My Dad isn't a violent man or agressive, he was just wound up for whatever reason and I was being a PITA at the wrong time. But, I was a child and he was an adult, I was defenceless, therefore he was wrong.

I would never ever smack or use any form of physical punishment towards my child and I would never make an excuse for my DH if he did either.

I hope your son's ok you really need to make sure that he doesn't experience this again. Whatever that takes.

naturalbaby · 16/04/2011 15:17

my blood runs cold at the memory of being hit by one of my parents when i was a child and they lost their temper, like the op's H. Although I was misbehaving the punishment never fitted the crime and as much as i love that parent and am very close to them, i was filled with hate and confusion at the time. eventually my other parent insisted they get some help, support and counselling to deal with the anger management issues.

Op's H should at the very least acknowledge what he has done (lashed out in an unreasonable way) and apologise to the child for it. then deal with his anger management issues.

Gooseberrybushes · 16/04/2011 15:14

I would say yes, the weight and strength of attack matter, of course. I used to get slapped round the legs a bit. Being thrown on a sofa and hit with a man's strength four times at the age of four is hell and he should go on a course or leave for ever or something. It's terrible.

Gooseberrybushes · 16/04/2011 15:12

Actually I don't think all smacking is abusive, but I think this attack is very abusive. I really do think this one of those situations where you say "if you ever do that again I will divorce you" unless it's happened before in which case I would wait until they go out and then change the locks. Even if it's illegal to change the locks.

GypsyMoth · 16/04/2011 15:07

because one smack is harder than another ...one is abuse,the other isnt??

so its down to the weight and strength of attack then?

FabbyChic · 16/04/2011 15:06

No justification for it in my opinion.

It's just wrong.

GypsyMoth · 16/04/2011 15:04

yes,some people like to try and justify it fabby,sadly

LDNmummy · 16/04/2011 15:04

"dooin....you are as bad then!!! smacking is smacking....its violence still,the pressure of the 'smack' matters not!!! and you sit by and watch it....."

Nonsense, not all smacking equals abuse, and this is coming from someone who experienced severe emotional, psychological and physical abuse as a child and through formative years (took years to get over and still going through the motions). If you smack sparingly (as in hardly ever, like once or twice a year) and only in extreme cases of bad behaviour, it is not abuse in an actual sense at all. I lived through severe abuse and I know the difference.

I doubt I could actually smack my child after what I experienced growing up, it would stir too many feelings in me, but if my child did something inexcusable, I might smack them once on the bottom, but then I am only speculating I just do not think a minor smack on the bottom is abuse.

What the OP has described is abuse IMO though.

GypsyMoth · 16/04/2011 15:04

chipping it is noy crap.....but you believe what you like

i will post what i like....

DooinMeCleanin · 16/04/2011 14:58

I am aware it can escalate. I have made my displeasure known to DH. He is well aware if he ever hits them in temper, or marks them in anyway, he will never see his children unsupervised again. He knows I am serious.

What he does is entirely different to what the op described. He tells them he is not happy with x, y or z. If they continue they are warned that if they do it again they will get a smacked bottom. If they still continue, they get a smacked bottom.

Dd1 has told me she actually prefers this punishment to my grounding her or taking away her toys . Dd2 normally just screeches at him. Neither of them are afraid of him.

FabbyChic · 16/04/2011 14:57

Any form of touching a child in anger which is what smacking is is abuse.

Sorry, but smacking is abuse.

There are other ways to discipline children other than physical harm, and smacking is physical harm.

dearyme · 16/04/2011 14:56

lol at " I would knock my husband out if he lifted a finger to kids"

yes dear, lead by example

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 16/04/2011 14:55

ILoveTiffany - I didn't tell you what to post, I asked you not to confuse the issue by starting a debate about smacking.

It's also CRAP that smacking escalates into abuse, it's also UTTER CRAP that doing what the OP's H does and smacking a child send the same message.

GypsyMoth · 16/04/2011 14:51

chipping.......why are you telling me what to post???

doin....it can escalate you know,once it starts.

all giving the child the same message i'm afraid....

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 16/04/2011 14:48

ILT - there are plenty of threads on smacking - please don't confuse the issue here. What DM's H did to their son was not 'smacking'. Only Dooin knows whether what goes on in her house is smacking or abuse and I assume as she's posting about it, it's smacking. Here is not the place to debate smacking.

icancancan · 16/04/2011 14:48

agree with the old brigade, chipping and mobly - the OP has posted this to probably sound out opinions. believe it or not, for some people, this is how they were brought up and it is almost 'normal' behaviour as adults to smack, hit and worse as this is all they know how to do in terms of discipline. The OP has clearly received the message from here that this is not right and is abusive and has received some good practical advice about how to deal with it for her sons sake (and her own). I hope you are ok OP - are you able to access this advice easily?
FWIW, I think nullius and dooinmecleanin are brave for sharing their own experiences as children and this should give the OP all the ammunition and strength she needs to help her sort this terrible situation out.

GypsyMoth · 16/04/2011 14:32

dooin....you are as bad then!!! smacking is smacking....its violence still,the pressure of the 'smack' matters not!!! and you sit by and watch it.....

DooinMeCleanin · 16/04/2011 14:29

'And when your son grows up, it will be YOU he hates. Because you didnt protect him, you let it happen.
He will see you as the weak one who was too selfish to leave.' - yup I can second that.

I don't hate my mum. I adore her. I pity her. I have very little respect for her as a parents, how can I respect her when she allowed a man more than three times my size to beat me? I do blame her for my childhood. I do blame her for issues that I have now. I do blame her for my sister being in an abusive relationship and thinking it's normal. It's all she knows.

However I also understand why she didn't leave. She had been worn down and down until there was nothing of herself left. If you think in anyway that staying with a man who thinks this sort of behaviour is okay is acceptable, then you need some help.

Please call WA or see your GP about counselling.

DH smacks. I don't like it, I don't do it. But what he does a tap on the bottom for severe bad behaviour, not a beating for being uspet. If he ever layed hands on them in temper I would kill him.

GypsyMoth · 16/04/2011 14:14

ofgs!!!!!!!!!!

FabbyChic · 16/04/2011 14:13

Tell your husband that if he physically hits the child again you will have him for assault, the fact that you allow this to happen by still being with this man is appalling.

You are a party to this because you are still living under the same roof as a child abuser, that is what he is A CHILD ABUSER.

I hope you are happy with yourself.

Unflip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.