To think picking a 4yr old child up by their arm and throwing them on a sofa

[devonsmummy]

is totally unreasonable - followed by 4 mansize smacks to the bottom?

[devonsmummy]

H at work again today
We spoke - I asked if he realised just what he'd done and he said hed thought of nothing else all day.
I told him it had made me feel sick all day and I can't imagine how DS was feeling.
He apologised - looked very sheepish and said he would not lay a finger on him again.
I said if he eVer did that would be it - a parents job is to protect their child.
He didn't want to speak further - said I've said I'm sorry what more can I do? And wouldn't speak about it anymore
This morning DS was creating, - he was cold but didn't want to get dressed - H took away his DS console which would probably have been a smack before.
DS seems ok today but who knows what's going on in his head ?:(

[dontcallmepeanut]

So, he bought DS a "sorry for hurting you" present...

ex-P used to do exactly the same... Part of the cycle of abuse is the abuser trying to rectify themselves in the victims eyes.

[therealmrsbeckham]

devonsmummy how are you today?

[CarnivalBizarre]

OP I hope that this is a one off loss of control by your husband and he is feeling very guilty and remorseful - if not then you really ought to consider yours and your childrens life with him

I was smacked once as a child by my father and I have never forgotten it - it was a well deserved smack btw - I had twatted my little sister around the head with a heavy wooden african carved ornament and knocked her out

Anyhoo - I hope that you can sort this out and your son has no lasting effects of the attack ....because thats what it was

[ohnoudidnt]

Bastard.You are just as bad for allowing it.

[davidtennantsmistress]

said it earlier & will say it again - do as you wish to me, raise a hand to my child and by god i'd kill whoever did it - his dad or not. especially in the way it's subsequently all come to light it was a lot harder.

and the swingball set - yeah isn't that what people do when they feel guilty and well it's ok & we won't say anything cos we get treated to nice stuff?!? (childs POV there)

[MollieO]

I'm curious to know how often it has happened before. The OP said it had happened before but not how many times nor what the outcome was. I'm sure her 'd'h apologised and said it wouldn't happen again .... Until the ne t time.

How many times makes it too many? How many times before you should make an effort to protect your dcs and leave?

I have no idea what the answer is for the OP. For me twice would be too many. Once is inexcusable but I'd give the benefit of the doubt. Twice would be enough for me to act.

[microserf]

OP, I hope your conversation with your DH goes well, because this is abuse and he can't do this again. Would he be receptive to some further conversation to discuss how this happened or counselling?

you can't be on eggshells waiting for this to happen again. i grew up in a household where this would have been considered appropriate discipline, and it had longlasting and sad consequences for all of us, especially for my brother who was the child who received the "discipline". and yes, they really did think it was discipline and that they were loving parents whereas, in truth, temper got the best of them on a regular basis.

[jojowest]

i think OP knows her husband best, its for her to decide what she feels should be the next step

[devonsmummy]

Ok am just settling DD then going down to talk

[AuntiePickleBottom]

if df did this he would be out of the door and would never see the kids again.

also why is he belittling you, you was already giving the child his punishment by putting him on the back door.

[Branno]

Ladies it IS Abuse but she can take a few steps BEFORE leaving him which you are putting her under too much pressure to do. Ask H what kind of father he wants to be - find a therapist and get him in there fast so he can be given some direction on how to control himself. And get a shrink that will see him and DS together. Build a relationship between him and DS. She has to be allowed try before walking no?

[nulliusxinxverbax]

Hope things are well with you now Blatherskite

I was speaking from experience thats why I made the point, I think parents in this situation dont see it from that angle, and maybe forget the repercussions in the future.

People assuming the child will only be angry with the abuser, not the partner.
They will be angry with the partner for bieng complicite.
They will never be angry because you left, to save them :(

[onceamai]

Oh blatherskite -

[Blatherskite]

"nulliusxinxverbax Sat 16-Apr-11 13:29:59

Ok, Ill answer this from a different angle.

If you let this go, it will get worse, it always does.
If DH is not hitting you, actually, that will just fuck your child up even more, because he will think "why does daddy only hit me? he hates me"

And when your son grows up, it will be YOU he hates. Because you didnt protect him, you let it happen.
He will see you as the weak one who was too selfish to leave."

Nullius is right. My Dad never hit my Mum (he adored her) and he never hit either of my 2 sisters or my brother on anywhere near the same scale. This didn't make things better, it just made me feel like shit, like I was so much less than the other memebers of my family that it was OK to single me out like that. My self confidence is fucked. When I left for uni, I started to self harm because I felt like I deserved it because that was all I'd ever known. I have never forgiven my Mum. I know she stayed because she had 4 kids and thought she had no other choice. Because she was a SAHM and he provided everything and she had no idea how she'd cope alone - but I just can't bring myself to say it was OK to sacrifice me for it all. I thought I'd understand when I had children but it's just made it harder. I would never do that to my firstborn.

[onceamai]

OP: You both need help to deal with this; you to help him and him to get over the past. It isn't your fault - don't let history repeat itself. Good luck love and much love.

[GypsyMoth]

there is always somewhere to go to op. womensaid can find you a hostel place. dont stay through fear of no place to go

[therealmrsbeckham]

'Swingball' well that makes everyhing ok then .

Please think carefully about whether you really want to continue to expose your DC to this man's violence - words and appologies after the event are cheep IMO

Take care

[ChippingInLovesEasterEggs]

I think you need to talk to him tonight. Discussing it over the phone isn't enough. He needs to see your face - he needs to believe you mean it, this was his one and only chance - no more. A swingball and an apology was nice - but he can't just keep doing it and apologising and he needs to know this, without a shadow of a doubt.

You need to say to him that as much as he might not like being compared to his Dad, that's exactly how he behaved - you need to ask him if he wants his DS (and DD) wetting the bed from fear of him? If you are too scared to have this discussion with him, you need to leave him now.

[BooBooGlass]

So he's bought him a 'sorry I whacked you' present. That's nice
At least that bat might come in handy if he tries it again eh?

[MollieO]

If I were you I would keep a diary. It may be nothing but it might be an eye opener on how often this happens.

How often has it happened and is his anger only directed towards your ds or to both of your dcs?

[LDNmummy]

"We are ok thanks been out all day and H been at work - due home soon.
He has apologized on the phone and said it will never ever happen again.
If it does we will be out the door for sure
His dad was heavy handed and left when H was 10, he wet the bed until his dad left.
They are very similar and I pray this is the last of it - he cannot bear to be compared to his dad.
Gotta go he home"

Be careful about this OP, he is showing signs of repeating a cycle of abuse. He may say he will not do it again but that is no certainty. I do hope it works out and wish you and your LO the best.

[devonsmummy]

No not scared just got no family near or could take off for the nite
He's bought DS a swingball to say sorry
Am bathing Dd so gotta go again
Thanks for all concern/help

[MollieO]

I assume he says it will never happen again every time he does it. You said he has done it before and doesn't think it is wrong. Personally I wouldn't leave it. If he is truly sorry then he will be prepared to talk to someone about it and get help for what clearly is a problem. Repeating the treatment he received from his father is obviously not acceptable and he needs serious help.