To let my daughter smoke

[GreenAmy]

Be easy on me as I have been having a nightmare with my 11 year old daughter since November when I first caught her smoking. Posted on parenting a few weeks ago but did not really get any answers.

I have stopped her allowance and took away her dS Lite, grounded her, took away her phone, MP3 player, TV and all I have achieved is to drive a wedge between use.

We used to get on so well now she is like a stranger, yet I know she still smokes, she says she has friends.

I watch her smiling and being polite with other people, everyone tells me how sweet, polite, helpful she is.

I worry where she gets her cigarettes from and where she goes off to smoke also.

So as this section is more busy I will post here and ask for suggestions.

I am tired of the situation and prepared to give in to her.

Her father died in a traffic accident in 2009, so not around.

[Thingumy]

'What she does with it is up to her she wants to waste it on smokes sobeit.'

I would find that hard to say to a 11 year old.

[sharon2609]

Pointy.....I was being sarcastic

[bubblewrapped]

Hard, but so long as you dont give her any other money, she will soon realise that cigs are bloody expensive, and she might want other things. In which case, she would have to cut out buying the cigs.

When I was 12, it was 26p for 10 cigs.. so much much more affordable... nowadays I doubt it would be so easy for a kid to afford cigs.

[sharon2609]

It is IMPOSSIBLE to monitor children all the time.....IMPOSSIBLE

[cheechee]

Not if you don't let them out. i would take her and pick her up from school, in my pj's for effect! Go and sit with her at lunch time, extra humiliation also in pj's. She is 11 not 17.

[porcamiseria]

so sorry for you, must be hard, she must be still bereaved too no?

I agree you cant monitor them 24/7

and some kids do start smoking young, I did! I still smoke 4 a day

but you do need to try and do something, just for your peace of mind

Fags are bloody costly, so maybe cut pocket money and tell her WHY

but also have a chat, for example I started smoking to get into a cool gang. try to find out WHY she is smoking, and see if you can bribe her with something she wants if she gives up

[duchesse]

I just read on your other thread that your daughter is in junior school (does that mean she's in an 8-13 middle school or the top year of primary?). I think you may find the school very proactive in wanting to deal with it in that case. I can't imagine many primaries turning a blind eye to this sort of behaviour purely because they are likely to have far less of it and their clientele is a lot younger and possibly more in need of protection on that whole than at secondary. I would make an appointment to see her teacher and headteacher. I feel that they may be harder to deal with than the equivalent in secondary and may take a harder line on it towards your daughter, but I still feel it's really important that you bring your daughter back into the fold. You need to find out everything you can about who she's hanging out with, where she's smoking and how they get the ciggies. Is she coming straight home from school? Does she have to walk any siblings home? Are you able to pick them/her up for a few weeks?

[GreenAmy]

She is still in junior school and although I have to work these days I I have both her and her younger sister taken to school (I usually do this) and collected.

I have spoken to her school they say that they would make me aware if they caught her smoking or caught her with cigarettes. They say smoking is not a problem on school premises.

She had a talking to by her school headmaster.

Yes I have shown her videos of diseased lungs, heart and so on. I recall her coming home from school one day telling me she will never smoke after they had a class about the dangers of smoking. It seems like yesterday.

I also told her she smells many times, she shrugs at this

She had bereavement counselling and has not suffered bad dreams for ages now. I have been in touch with her councillor who advises me very much on the lines of pointylug advice

She does figure skating (which I take her to) and swimming with her friends on Sundays.

She was grounded for two weeks when I first caught her smoking. I was so shocked when I became aware she was smoking again, she was grounded until Christmas but since Christmas I have not been so strict in keeping her in, although she has a 6pm curfew which does not give her much time week days.

I check up on her too, when she goes to her friends for example.

I have not given her things back so far, neither have I restated her allowance, the only money she gets is for her dinner - and her school is instructed to ring me if she has not got it.

There are things like the Wii I can not take off her as it be punishing her sister too

At first she would deny she smokes now when I challenge her she admits it. Many of my family smoke, a lot of her teen cousins smoke.

I have offered bribes too.

However I a also so worry of her getting taken advantage of.

[bubblewrapped]

However I a also so worry of her getting taken advantage of

that sounds like more of a separate issue than about the smoking?

[sharon2609]

Do you know how /where she is getting the fags from?

[GreenAmy]

I do not know where she gets her cigarettes from. Non of her close friends smoke as far as I know. I suspect one or two of her cousins, I also wonder if one or both sets of grandparents are giving her money. I told everyone not to give her money for Christmas but caught my mother giving her £25. They see this sweet pretty, polite girl. They were strict with me, but so easy going with their GC. MY PIL have been so awkward since their son died. Perhaps my neighbours 16 year old. I do not think she is stealing them from anywhere, I hope not.

But all she says is "friends".

I have been thinking a lot overnight about the answers I got, most of you are right, but I am in Catch 22 situation. I can not cave in now because the last 3 months would have been for nothing and the message I am sending to her that in future all she needs to do is hold out.

Yet if I don't all I am doing is breading more and more resentment and achieving nothing. Can I really keep punishing her for ever, days are getting lighter, she will want to be out more and i can't keep her locked up.

[ManateeEquineOhara]

Is she definitely smoking? Not just saying she is to get attention or something? Because if none of her friends smoke it is kind of odd that without money she could be.

[GreenAmy]

Yes, she is obviously not smoking a lot, but she is, I caught her twice.

[pointylug]

No, I don't think you can punish her forever.

Is she in with a bad crowd? Do you think smoking will soonb turn to drinking and trouble with the police etc?

[GreenAmy]

She isn't with a bad crowd, she went to a wedding, she was a bridesmaid and the other bridesmaids where older teens and twenties, she was offered a cigarette.

I worry that she might drive her into a bad crowd and into bad situations.

[ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak]

No matter what you do, you will have people say you are doing the right/wrong thing.

A lot of it depends on her nature, how she's coping having lost her Dad & why she's smoking. Without the answers to those questions it's hard to say. I would do a lot more talking and more counselling.

However, if I had got to the bottom of it and just figured she was smoking 'because' and couldn't be stopped by talking to her etc then I would come down really hard. She's 11 - it's better to get some boundaries set now! You are and you will be 'in charge', what you say goes. If you start 'just letting her because you can't figure out how to stop her' - her teenage years will be hell.

I would tell her that if she smells of smoke/is caught again, I will do the following (and mean it):

• Take her to the classroom door, hand her over to her teacher.
  
  
• Pick her up from the classroom door.
  
  
• Get the school to have her sit outside the office/staff room on her breaks & in her lunch hour.
  
  

• Get her accompanied on bathroom breaks.
  

• Do not let her go out anywhere on her own.
  

• If you take her out she doesn't even get to go for a wee without you going to the ladies as well.
  

You can supervise her (or have her supervised) pretty much 24/7.

Tell her she can stop this routine anytime she she is willing to stop smoking.

Tell her if you smell smoke on her or catch her smoking you will start this again and it will be in place for a full half term - no matter what she says.

Tough love.

This is about a lot more than just smoking, it is about setting up boundaries and behaviours for her teenage years. It's about showing her that if she can't do as she is told off her own back, then you will ensure she does it. You will keep her safe, you will love her enough to be tough with her.

[C0FFEE]

Hard one this!

I think I would try and convince my DD not to smoke if she ever starts but it's not alcohol or drugs. I would save my battles

[Marney]

I dont think ordering her not to smoke would help its so addictive I think you need to discuss the reasons it is such a destructive thing to do How she will struggle to pay for the habit and things she may not be able to afford as an adult such as holdays.Then over a weekend or holiday go through it with her spend time with her accept she is going to find it hard and if necessary promise to do without something you will miss at the same time so she sees you struggling as well I started smoking at ten and im totally addicted My parents took the ordering the child not to method and disgusted with you line which didnt help if they had tried to help maybe it would have been better

[Janni]

It sounds as though you've tried all sorts of control and punishment and it hasn't worked. Perhaps your DD is getting some grim satisfaction out of having this major battle with you. She's probably very angry about having lost her father - often the surviving parent gets the punishment!

I'm wondering if it would be worth trying a completely different approach. Could you put your arms around her and tell her, very gently, how much you love her, how much you care about her, how much you want the best in life for her. Tell her you are scared for her and want to work with her to help her make choices that are going to give her a good life - not one where she's addicted and always short of money. I think that it might be worth offering treats if she stops smoking rather than just punishing her for continuing.

It might just be worth trying a different approach for a few weeks. I would hate to be in your situation and I really wish you well x

[gamerchick]

My daughter started 1t 13.. I made it really hard for her till she was old enough to smoke.

My sons started and I do the same to him.. you can't stop them doing it but you can make a point of not accepting it under any circumstances. Don't give in and let her.. that's just opening up a whole load of pain for the next few years.

[Justforlaughs]

asdfghjkl123 did you revive this thread just to throw that comment out? How very odd!

[gamerchick]

ah bugger. I can't even decipher the comment that bumped it up either!

[ComposHat]

I wouldn't let her smoke continue to confiscate and lay down the law on smoking. I wouldn't blow it out of all proportion, despite what some anti smoking puritans will have you do. Make your position clear and the sanctions for flouting the ban. But beyond that youre limited in what you can do. At that age she'll be out of your sight for a good portion of the day.



Smoking is a phase a lot of kids go through at roughly that age and in all likelihood she won't become a 80 a day fagash Lil.

[ComposHat]

oh fuck this a zombie thread. Which twunt reactivated it?