To Stop Co sleeping with my 8 mo DD

[Ray81]

Ok so we have co slept with DD since birth and all has been fine until about 3 weeks ago.
She used to go down at 7-8 and then wake a few times in the night but now she goes down at this time and then wakes about half an hr later and is awake for 2-3 hrs and then is up again at about 3 for an hr or so. I must say it is driving me mad.

Now DH wants to put her in her cot and i am not so sure that it will make a difference i have said its all well and good for him because i am the one that will be getting up all bloody night. He has said he will get up too but you can bet you bottom dollar he wont.

I feel very mean for suddenly stopping co sleeping she is so used to me being by her side i worry she will be scared.

Btw she is DD2 but took 6 yrs and several Mc to arrive so i am abit PFB ifswim with her.

What do you all think i should do has anyone else stopped co sleeping and how have they done it? and do u think dh is bu for demanding we stop co sleeping

[UnderTheRadar2212]

Thanks - I wouldn't have even if he was full term though!

The one thing I did find (digressing a bit here, on the BF subject) was that I felt forced to do that with him, even though he couldn't suckle & had to be tube fed.

Spent two days hooked up to a woman version of a cow milking machine, nothing would come out, in the end I said 'that's it, I've had enough, keep him on the formula', unplugged the bloody thing and stuck it on the midwife's desk!

[JoInScotland]

My son's cot was shoved up against my side of the bed since he came home from hospital.. I had an emergency C-section and was in the high dependency ward for a week.. having had further surgery after the birth for a massive hemorrage (sp?)

Anyway, I was not very mobile and we had always intended to co-sleep. But he was not in my bed... just very easily accessible. I would lift him out, feed him and then put him back in his cot. This was our arrangement until he was about 6 months old, when we put the cot side on, and then shoved the beds together again (he was learning to crawl across the beds and it was about safety). When he learned to stand up in the cot, then the mattress was lowered to the middle setting and the beds pushed about 2 feet apart so I could get out on my side.

At about 9 months old, he started waking up just to feed... not waking up a couple times because he was hungry, but every 90 minutes or so. We now think it was a combination of not getting enough daytime sleep in naps (cannot recommend Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child enough) and also, just wanting to snack and have my company.

After getting the room painted and decorated (finally) and letting the fumes air out, he was moved into his own room at 10 months. It was hard for both of us, not the sleeping, but the sleep training that he needed (we did not let him cry it out!) and I also kept waking up every 2 or 3 hours because, well, that is what I was used to. And I had to express breastmilk as well because my partner was going to him in the night with a bottle, and I was waking up leaking or engorged. I did miss hearing him and smelling him, more than I thought.

Believe me, it was our salvation. The baby started sleeping better, I sleep better, and even my partner is sleeping better now. Baby is 11 1/2 months old and only wakes twice a night now. It's hard to believe that we put him in his own room only 6 weeks ago, it feels like a lifetime ago.

Sleep is very important for the whole family! And we are so glad that we are all sleeping now. This is our story. I hope it helps you.

[cloudydays]

Ah thanks EricNorthmansMistress, that makes sense about the hormones. I've read a bit about co-sleeping though and haven't seen anything to the effect of "It is not advised if you are not bfing" so I don't think it's as cut and dry as saying that ff mothers shouldn't co-sleep in the same way that a heavily intoxicated person shouldn't. Depends on the individual, as you say.

In my experience the sense of constant awareness of my daughter was very much present, both when I was combo feeding and after I started fully ff at 6 months. I don't think that that sense of connection to the baby is dependent on the presence of bf hormones, but it does make sense that the hormones would have some impact on sleep and awareness. Thanks for clarifying that point.

[Babieseverywhere]

"'Rods for own backs' on this one springs to mind, sorry."

Don't be sorry, successful co-sleeping equals loads more sleep for everyone. It is not for everyone, but those who want and wish to do so, it really makes life much easier. Believe me :)

That said premature babies shouldn't be co-slept with not sure why but it is one of the safe co-sleeping guidelines that the baby should be full term. So you were right not to co sleep in your particular situation.

[UnderTheRadar2212]

I can't understand this 'co-sleeping' business.

My lad was 2 months prem and went in his own bed (moses basket) from the day he came home.

Was too petrified I'd lay on him for one thing, I was insistent he'd be sleeping in his own bed from day 1 for another.

'Rods for own backs' on this one springs to mind, sorry.

[Nagoo]

If you are not getting any sleep than stop the co-sleeping.

Co-sleeping is brilliant if it means that everyone in the bed gets more rest, but once they start hoofing you in the ribs its time for their own bed!

Think that the slow withdrawal is a good idea, but I really wouldn't put it off as the reasons you've given for not wanting to stop will get stronger as time goes on IMO

[EricNorthmansMistress]

Cloudy - the idea is that BF hormones make you a lighter and more responsive sleeper, and IME they did. Also found it much easier to get straight back to sleep, and slept better even for shorter periods of sleep. Makes sense. I don't think that not BF necessarily means you will not be responsive though, it depends on the individual a lot.

[cloudydays]

Kara just curious as to why you say co-sleeping is not advised if you are not breastfeeding? I hadn't heard that before.

I was quite sad at not being able to ebf and saw co-sleeping as a way to get lots of intimacy and skin-to-skin time with DD anyway. It worked well for us and I'd be sad to think that women who struggle to bf would feel they also have to miss out on co-sleeping if that's something they'd like to do.

Not doubting your assertion but just wondering what it's based on? Thanks.

[Ray81]

thanks for all the advise i should have also said DD2 is now nearly 8 months so we have been Safely co sleeping for all that time.

She is asleep now in her cot and went down within 10 mins but she naps in her cot so is used to it, will just se how it goes, if it is a bad night will bring her in bed and then maybe put the spare mattress in her room tomorrow on the floor and sleep in there with her ifswim.

Unfortunatley there is not enough room in our bedroom to for her cot as is quite small, so its cot in her own room or co sleeping.

[KaraStarbuckThrace]

'Co-sleeping is not advisable for any child under 1 year. '

Wrong. It is not advised if you or your partner smoke, or either of you take prescription medicine. It is also not advised if you are not bfing either. But co-sleeping can be safe and work well.

Here is some useful articles.

advice on safe co-sleeping

more advice

UNICEF baby friendly guidelines for bfing mothers

Ray - try the cot but the closer to your bed you can get it the better as both of you will be able to hear each other breathing and that will be a comfort to both of you. You could also try a bedside cot - I am getting one for DC2 as our bed isn't big enough to comfortably co-sleep, and the mattress is shit.

But it needs to be what you feel happy with - your DH should not be demanding anything.

[BorisTheAlligator]

YANBU

[Babieseverywhere]

It is not something other people can advice you on. Some people feel co-sleeping is very risky and others feel it isn't.

I tried to look at research in this area and found it difficult to find a good study which proved a high risk to safe co-sleeping.

In the studies I read, I found that the figures for drunk/drugged parents sleeping with babies on sofas/chair was lumped in with parents following the safe co-sleeping rules, making the conclusions pointless. Happy to be corrected if anyone has any proper peer reviewed studies on this subject.

I think you and your DH should read all the facts for yourself and make a decision which suits your family. Don't feel anything is set in stone, you can stop co-sleeping now and try again if her sleeping elsewhere doesn't work. Or keep co-sleeping and kick the husband into the spare room. Seperate beds does not mean no sex/love, just means you have to be a bit more flexible. Sleep is very important to a marriage.

If you like co-sleeping 'Three in a Bed' by Debra Jackson is a good read.

Good luck whatever your decide.

[mrscynical]

Co-sleeping is not advisable for any child under 1 year. Children's agencies across the UK are trying to get the message out. Have the baby in the room with you by all means but do not sleep in the same bed as an infant.

[EricNorthpolesChristmas]

YANBU
You say she goes down at 7/8, do you also go to bed then??? We stopped co-sleeping when DS showed signs of going to bed earlier than me, and we were able to put him dow in his basket. He slept longer and better separately from us, and even better in his own room! You will have to do some sleep traning but it will be worth it. Lack of sleep and adult space in the bed is one of the things that can completely drain sex out of a relationship IMO, and that's a Bad Thing in the long run.

[SenoraPostrophe]

a cot may help, but why don't you put it next to the bed for the first few nights?

[Imisssleeping]

If it's affecting your sleep then no I don't think yabu.

I stopped when ds was about 16 months, with absolutely no trouble at all.
When he was about 2 he slept out at a friends and because I missed him I had in in my bed the next night, big mistake he refused to go back in his cot so was back with me for another few months till I got his bed.
It took a few nights but now he sleeps all night in his own bed.

So I think my answer is.... when the time is right for you do it, but stick to your guns.
I though ds would hate not sleeping next to me as he cuddled me all night but he is very happy in his own bed and I sleep a hell of a lot better.

[Chil1234]

Its no U to give baby their own space at night. Especially if everyone's sleep is disturbed. Chances are that you and your husband are waking her up as well as the other way around. My DS slept in my room (rather than bed) until he was about 2 or 3 months old but he's noisy, I snore and no-one was getting any sleep!!! It was much easier getting up once or twice and going into his room rather than being awake every 10 mins. She may take a few days to get used to her cot but I'm sure you'll all benefit ultimately. Good luck