to think I don't want my mum to live with us?

[gremlindolphin]

Am an only child and very close to my mum who has recently been ill, is still in hospital and half paralysed. She is doing physio and is desperate to get home to us. She has been with us for Christmas and it has been a wake up call for me that I can't cope with her. She is adament that she doesn't want to go in a care home and we have been planning a granny annexe with carers on the understanding that she can at least make a cup of tea/go to the loo on her own when I am not there.

She is (understandably) in complete denial about her recovery and looking forward to her granny annexe. Christmas has made me realise that although I can cope with the bodily functions of a variety of pets and children, caring for my mum as she is now completely changes our relationship. She is quite emotionally demanding at the best of times, love her as I do

Am I being unreasonable or unrealistic? I have a dh and two dcs and am also worrying about how my marriage would survive?

Don't know how to handle this.

x

[ilovemyfestivehens]

Please don't feel that you have to undertake the care of your mum if you feel unable to do so. I'm a care of the elderly nurse and it's an enormously demanding task for full time carers and I honestly don't know how some of them cope. You have to have a certain type of relationship in order to care for somebody as it's so emotionally draining. If you're being drained emotionally to begin with, then it will only become worse.

I work in a care home and many of them do a good job in caring for the residents. You just need to shop around or perhaps look into sheltered accomodation as some of the others have suggested.

[Acinonyx]

I am an only child and had to decide something similar. I recall at the time, my therapist, who normally never gave and outright opinion on anything, told me not to move my mother in with me - he thought it would destroy my marriage.

I contacted the council and got her sheltered accommodation - a one-bed flatlet in a complex of similar. It worked really well for us. When she became terminally ill, I nursed her at my home until she died. That was only 3 weeks and I do not know how I would have coped if that stage had gone on for months.

A word of warning - my mother would not let any of the daily carers wash or deal with her - she would only let me do it. So although we had carers and nurses twice/day - I did everything (often she wouldn't even let them in her room). I can imagine you being under similar pressure which, if she is actually in our house, will be VERY hard to deal with.

IIWY I would try to set up all the carer support you can to enable her to go on living elsewhere.

Good luck.

[SantasENormaSnob]

Yanbu at all.

[Ephiny]

YANBU, I would never even consider having an elderly parent living with us. That's what residential homes and sheltered accommodation exist for, and providing the level of care it sounds like your mother is going to need would be unrealistic for you on top of your existing family responsibilities. Not sure if you go out to work as well, but either way, YANBU for not wanting to take this on!

[taintedsnow]

YANBU. I know of horror stories about people who have taken in elderly relatives because of a sense of duty, and it just ended in tears. It's so sad that you're faced with this choice, but you would be entirely reasonable to say a complete no, without debate, to the possibility of having your mum live with you.

Potential guilt trips from her would not be because you've done anything wrong, but because she couldn't get her own way. Her wanting to live with you is an entirely understandable thing, but wanting it and demanding it to the detriment of your family life is selfish and manipulative. Do not bend on your view if you are already this resolute.

Best of luck with whatever you do.

[allbie]

I'm a nurse and understand the full physical practicalities and emotional difficulties of nursing someone. I have already agreed with my parents that I will never take them into my home and told my children that they are not to take me in either. It is not a romantic situation to have to deal with the very real needs of a person 24/7. Bowel care. Feeding. Wet sheets. Pressure area care. Washing. Bad-temperedness....to name only a few things. I'm a realist...

[gremlindolphin]

You are all so sensible and lovely! Thank you for your responses, they really help.

In answer to some comments:

• I currently work two days a week
  
• We are currently proceeding with the planning application.
  
• I will look into the sheltered accommodation thing more, not sure what is available near here.
  
• My dh is supportive of whatever i decide but I know he thinks that her being here is most likely not the best solution.
  

It is interesting that many of your comments have been exactly what friends say in real life but somehow having them confirmed on here is really useful.

I'll be back with updates I'm sure!

x

[fortyplus]

Hi - just a comment about sheltered accommodation (I work in housing). It's independent living with the additional support of a warden - it doesn't include personal care. If your mum needs personal or nursing care you need to find an 'extra care' option.

[ChoudeBruxelles]

YANBU. Does your local council have a reablement service? It may be able to help your mum regain some independence, even though she may not be able to go back to her home.

Look at Extracare schemes as well as sheltered. They offer far more care than sheltered, and often people can purchase flats as well.

[DecorhatetheChristmasTree]

I have been thinking about your situation - something else to think about - do you think your mother would be good at respecting your privacy & treating the granny annexe as separate to your home or will she expect to have the run of the house (even if she may not physically be able to move around). I think this could be a real issue if she were to move in before the extension was finished. She won't want to be "banished" to the extension.

Only you can know how she would act - there is a big difference between having someone living independently next door in an annexe with you keeping an eye on her & having someone fully part of the household.

Perhaps you could say that you can't have her to stay right now as you won't have space until the extension is built, get her settled in a care home near you and quietly drop the plans for the extension afterwards? Deceitful perhaps but one way of dealing with it....