To be stressed about my parents visiting?

[Towatessa]

My parents, although I love them very much, have totally different parenting views from myself and DH. We are fairly laid back and praise rather than discipline, which works well with DS's.

They come over at least once a week, and usually pick up DS1 from school so I can work a little later (we have our own business so this really does help). While they are at our house they are constantly going on at DS's, and discipline them while we are there rather than letting us deal with whatever they perceive to be the problem.

I have asked them to leave it to us, which works for a while, but I think it has become a habit and they can't help themselves.

It has now got to the point where DH absolutley flipped out at them on Saturday (he has never done this in the 7 years we have been married), and basically spent the remainder of their visit upstairs trying to calm down.

They are over again today and I am dreading what lies ahead, particularly as DH has said he will have a 'chat' with them when he sees them - I know that my Dad in particular will not see that he has done anything wrong and will kick off back.

I don't want to be in the middle of this! AIBU and WWYD?

[LoudRowdyDuck]

YANBU. And I can understand your DH's reaction. I think it's your responsibility to talk to your dad.

I don't have kids yet, but my parents talk a lot about what they'll do with their grandchildren. Your dad sounds a bit like mine: he probably thinks he's done nothing 'wrong' because he thinks his way of parenting is just as valid as yours. And he's right. So, what you need to really stress to him is that this is just not relevant to you. He may be right, but he's had his turn as a parent and now he has to leave it to you and your DH. Does that make sense?

[Towatessa]

Thanks LRD. I think it did shock my Dad that DH had blown a fuse at him, and I did explain to him why.....but I just get the nagging feeling that it will all blow up again with this 'chat'.

[LoudRowdyDuck]

Yes, I think you're right. Can you perhaps phone or visit your parents before DH gets to his 'chat'? Clearly your parents do need to understand this is really upsetting your husband, but I can't see that your DH getting on his high horse is going to be the best thing.

Hope someone with children comes along and answers soon!

[Towatessa]

In all honesty if it had been PIL then I would have been much worse than DH, and I wouldn't blame him for getting on his high horse.......difficult though as I don't want to fall out with DH or my parents!

[PinkieMinx]

How are they going on at DS's?

I know it's frustrating - my DF often says things which get my & DH's back up - but are the DS's stressed by it? Sometimes DC's can benefit from finding out that different people have different rules and ways of doing things.

[ENormaSnob]

Your dh is nbu IMO

If you have failed to deal with the issue then he has had to for his ds.

What would you do if it was reversed and the ils were doing the same?

[Towatessa]

Examples:

DS1 (nearly 4)was awarded a Buzz Lightyear for gaining stickers for good behaviour (from us) - this is his prize possession and one of the few toys that they don't share. My parents were aware how and why he won it. He was told off for not giving it to DS2 (15 months) to play with.

The boys rough and tumble around - it's play fighting and we usually don't get involved unless one or the other is complaining. DS1 was told off when it wasn't really necessary.

My parents have to watch certain programs, which is really anoying but we try to accomodate this quirk (DH sees this as I do as we have talked about this) but DS's are told off for making too much noise.

My head is ringing by the time they go, and it's almost like a weight comes off my shoulders every time they exit. Horrible to say, I know, but they are my parents and I have no wish to cut them off from their grand children (again something I have discussed at length with DH).

[ENormaSnob]

Perhaps you would be better using a cm for that day and just seeing your parents at other times.

Fwiw I couldn't tolerate my ils or my parents at my house a set day, watching set programmes every week. Especially if they were doing things I had requested they didn't.

Not surprised your dh has seen his arse tbh.

[Towatessa]

Points taken on board ENS, thank you.

[diddl]

I think it's that they sometimes look after your children & don't know when to let it switch back to you iyswim.

However I wouldn't tolerate the television on if it means that the children are being shouted at.

Do they reaslise that you are an adult & it is your house?

[Towatessa]

I think you have it Diddl - they don't know when to switch off.

I never thought of turning the telly off on them - I suppose I was brought up on this so don't really think about it !

I can see another heart to heart coming with DH - thanks everyone, keep those points coming as it's helping me see things from a different perspective.

[surfandturf]

I sympathise with you. It's really difficult to ask parents to change their habits / discipline styles - especially when they are 'doing you a favour' by looking after your DC's! I agree with Pinkie though and children do learn that different people expect different behaviour and have different ways of dealing with things. I used to ask my mum to take DC's to her house so that I didn't see / hear how she was doing things differently to us and it didn't get on my nerves!

[fedupofnamechanging]

I think the only real solution to this is to stop them from being responsible for your DC, while you work. I think it is causing you more problems than it solves because it is allowing your parents to think they have as much right as you to determine how your DC are raised. The fact is, they are your children and not your parents.

i think that visits from your parents, should be just that. Your parents shouldn't be 'in charge' at all. It's not right that they ignore what you've asked and I'm not surprised that your DH is cross.

Tell your DH that you will speak to your parents. It will be better coming from you and I suggest you find a CM or after school club.

[diddl]

Does your husband really need to have a "chat" though?

Just reiterate that when you are there, you will discipline?

[zipzap]

Any chance of getting them a hard drive recorder for christmas so that they can set a series link and whatever it is that they like will record automatically for them?

then they will have it to look forward to when they get home and won't have to spoil their time with your kids being tied up with the tv!

There are some easy ones out there and some that are a real pain to set up - tivos were the easiest but they were before their time and are no longer around in the UK. Sky boxes are OK (even my mum can use hers, which is a good benchmark for being easy), we also have a sony one which was supposed to be easy according to the sales literature and we bought thinking it would be as it said it was - but it's not. THink also that humax and tvonics have good reputation for being easy - sure others on here will be able to recommend. and they seem to be getting cheaper all the time (anybody else that would chip in to the present? or would they get one themselves with a few hints about how fab they are for recording stuff...)

[Towatessa]

Thanks Surf & Karma - some good points there.

I will say that they only pick DS1 up from school maybe once a week if I am lucky - the rest of the time I pick him up or he is at nursery. This occasional thing is meant to be a treat!

The rest of the time it's while we are in the house and both DH and myself have asked them to let us 'deal' with the boys.

[Towatessa]

Good idea Zipzap - we have one that they can use, which wasn't expensive so it could be an extra Xmas present for them, thank you!