to be slightly pissed off with MILs answer?

[CrazyPlateLady]

Ok, I'm sure you will all tell me that I am and I shouldn't expect it etc.

My MIL doesn't see that much of DS, very much on her terms, when she wants him, never to give a hand to us. She is fit and healthy and only works for 3 hours a day during the week.

My nan and grandad are in their 70s. Nan has arthritus and grandad has been getting aches and pains. They cannot do enough for us and are our only babysitters.

DH was talking to his mum last night when he was telling her that we are going to go and see the new HP film soon. I said to him we need to check how my nan is first (her arthritus has been playing up lately). DH said to him mum, something along the lines of could she babysit. She never has offered and DH has never asked her. She said she can't as she works in the evenings (5-8). DH didn't say anything else to that. I said to him after that I wasn't aware she was working weekends now (she isn't, we know that, but she didn't even ask what day we would be going on). DH done his usual of just not answering me.

It pisses me off that my GPs are a lot older, a lot less mobile and fit yet will bend over backwards for us (which I don't take advantage of at all, even though my nan would have DS anytime I asked her to), when MIL can't even be bothered to come over for a maximum of 3 hours for a weekend evening. DS is 2.9 ffs, we have never asked her before (I suspect DH hasn't because he had a feeling she wouldn't, she doesn't exactly put herself out for people).

[rainbowinthesky]

I can understand why she doesnt want to if she works each day the rest of the week. Perhaps she genuiunely needs the 2 evenings off to herself. I dont know if you work or not but maybe her view is that if you dont work it's unfair for her to give up her nonwork time to look after your child. It would annoy me but nothing you can do.

[hairytriangle]

Yabu.

[Rachyandmeg]

Hi crazy,

In an ideal world everyone would get along, family would be helpful and everyone would respect one another but that's never going to happen. everyone is brought up differently. Your mil may never have been brought up the way you have by your family. Maybe her mother wasn't hands on therefore she isn't with your kids etc. Evry1 is brought up so differently. Life changes can affect people and change them, some become bitter.
Its also difficult for you because its not your mother so I know what u mean about leaving it to him too deal with her.

[violethill]

Just accept that some relatives don't want to babysit. Find a local 6th former who will appreciated the money and then you can enjoy your social life with no strings attached

[Rosettaroo]

Yanbu my MIL has babysat 3 times over 9 years, but expects us to do things for her
. Some relationships in life are not even.

[onmyfeet]

My mother never likes anyone to ask her to do anything. If it is not her own idea, she is resentful and feels used. She does not have a nurturing bone in her body.
My in-laws are very caring though. :)

[BonniePrinceBilly]

Sense of entitlement? FFS, its called being FAMILY, doing things for each other, spending time together...what the fuck is wrong with a grandparent who has never once babysat? Its part of it.

[ENormaSnob]

Yanbu

almost identical situation here. I have no expectation of help from anyone but still feel disappointment that ils do shit all to help us. Blatant favouritism and the help given to others makes it so much worse.

I look at it as a get out clause if they need help in their old age.

[CrazyPlateLady]

Thanks for those last few posts. Its good to know that people understand where I am coming from. I too think of family as people who would be willing to help each other out, as that is what I do for mine when I can. I would never turn anyone down for a reasonable request. I have driven my dad nearly 80 miles to look at a motorbike (more than once). I honestly didn't mind, he is my dad, why wouldn't I! I have babysat since I was 13 years old. I have driven over 100 miles to pick up my 2 cousins and have them with me for a week a few times, just to give them a holiday and that.

This is how I see families and being thats how I grew up, I assumed that is what families did for each other. It wasn't until I got with DH that I realised that wasn't the case at all. If his dad was alive, I think things may have been different. His mums side are all quite selfish in different ways, some of their actions amaze me and DH tells me his dad wasn't like that. I'm lucky in that DH is like his dad. I have commented to him before that he doesn't seem like his family (his dad died before we got together so I never met him ).

At least I'm not my SIL! She asked MIL when she was planning to retire. MIL asked her why and SIL said "so you can look after my child when I work" (SIL doesn't have children). When MIL (understandably in this case) said no, SIL said (huffily) "well I can't have children then, can I!"

[ib]

Different families have different ideas about what it means to be family - and it can be a bit difficult when your and your dh's families are diametrically opposite.

We have a similar situation. PIL will not lift a finger for our dc (their only gc) - have never babysat and only see them at their convenience. My mum has twice flown over (over 15 hr flight) at her own expense exclusively so she could babysit. Whenever we see her she also jumps on the opportunity to babysit, and thanks us when she gets it. She does the same for her other 3 gc.

She considers it the highest quality time she ever has with her gc. As far as she's concerned, it's their loss, not hers.

I think it's really hard for DH to accept that this is so. Don't be too hard on your dh, I think his is a difficult place to be.

[Aussieng]

Hi OP - I occassionally show threads like this to my mum and she is always astonished that some gp's show so little interest in their dgc AND that so many MNers think it is unreasonable to be disappointed in them not wanting to babysit etc. My mum has driven 180 miles to babysit - sometimes DH and I go out for no reason other than to allow her to babysit! My IL's are overseas but when we go over there to visit it is exactly the same.

You actually sound slightly frustrated with your DH (understandibly) that he accepts the help of your gp's whilst ignoring his mother's lack of interest.

YANBU

[chatnamefortonight]

YANB at all U as far as I can see. But then I can see that different people have different views when it comes to these things. I do think in an ideal world family are there to support each other. Can't fault either my own DM or the ILs in this respect. And crikey, once in 2.9 years really isn't a lot. It's hard not having evenings out at all and babysitters can be prohibitively expensive.

Hope venting on here will help you to get it off your chest. I think do as someone else suggests and try setting up a babysitting circle with people you know and trust. Good luck

[Dando]

Family to me is partly about helping each other out, give and take. Stronger together - a mini community and all that. I do understand that others have a different idea, but that's mine. Once in a while it's nice to have a bit of help. Same as I do things for people in my family that they can't do or need help with. We don't get any from the gp, but it's their loss and I suspect it will be an ongoing loss... YANBU

[Animation]

CrazyPlateLady - you come across just fine. :)

[CrazyPlateLady]

Rachy I don't phone her only when I want something. We never ask her for things as DH knows what her answer will be. This is the only time in 2.9 years we have asked her to baby sit. I see it as DH's job to phone her, arrange to see her etc, she is his mother. I don't expect him to phone my family and go out with them so I don't do the same with his.

Yes she may work 5 evenings a week but I didn't think that a one off 3 hours would be too much tbh, especially as she didn't even ask when it was. It annoys me that she bleats on about never seeing DS but doesn't make the effort. She isn't someone you can ask anyway, you have to wait for her to offer or come to you for things. We once dropped in when we had just got our wedding photos, thinking that she would want to see them, we stopped by as we were passing (never done it before or since in 10 years) and she made it clear what a huge inconvenience it was.

I may come across as stoppy in the OP and subsequent messages but that is because I am venting on here. I certainly don't speak to her like that (unless I am telling her, yet again to leave my belly alone) and I personally have never asked her for anything, as I wouldn't expect DH to ask my family for anything.

[2rebecca]

I never had parents or inlaws who lived near enough to baysit and when young my grnadparents never lived near enough to babysit. I think whether or not you feel a grandparent (usually the poor woman, no-one ever moans their FIL won't babysit, women are expected to do the boring jobs as usual) SHOULD babysit depends on your own experience of grandparents.
My grandparents never babysat and were just people we visited so they could fuss over us for a while and then have a natter to our parents whilst we played together (or argued), so I was happy to pay for babysitters and let my parents and inlaws have the same relationship with our kids that I'd had with my grandparents.
They actually do alot more now they are older, as they will have the kids stay with them during school holidays, and take them on outings if we have to work. They are now retired though, and I would never expect it. Plus older kids are more interesting and easy to manage than younger wailey kids.

[pink4ever]

frgr did nt come across to me that she was expecting mil to do anything just hoping. I have friends who I think take the piss out of the gp(got them watching kids while they at work and then also at weekend so they can go out on piss). But I still firmly believe that it is part of role of being gp to help out by doing a bit of babysitting(op doesnt sound as if she out every weekend living it up either!).
I was blessed to be brought up by my gp who couldnt do enough for my sis and I(and my nan who sadly passed last year adored my dc and would have looked after them every day if it hadnt been for extreme ill health).

[frgr]

pink4ever - OP is NBU hoping, agree.

BU expecting, yes.

These are two totally different attitudes, IMHO. and if the OP comes across to her MIL in the same way as her OP, it's no wonder she might think twice (is she going to expect this next week? will she get stroppy if i say no?)

Frankly, your MIL could be preferring to spend her time watching paint dry than babysit your kids. I agree that it wouldn't build a strong relationship, I agree it's fantastic when GPs take an interest and help out - but it's up to them, and their granting of these favours. Not demands, duties or expectations, that should be driving this.

[monkeyflippers]

pink4ever - Drives yo crazy doesn't it! Being a full time mum means you are more in need of a break in my opinion. Looking after small children is exhausting and personally I think having the odd break would make me a better mum as I have no patience so it would really help. They don't even want to help in emergencies, like when i had to to go hospital in terrible pain etc but will look after the other grandchildren so that their parents can go jogging!

[mazzystartled]

Of course it would be nice for you if your MIL was able to babysit (but if she works 5 evenings a week I can see that she might prefer not to do that, reasonably enough)
Of course it would be nice for her and for your DS to spend time together (but babysitting whilst you go to the cinema wouldn't tick that box really would it)
But your OP sound so darned stroppy about it all that I'm not surprised that you are not getting much sympathy.

You could always pay a babysitter.

[pink4ever]

monkeyflippers-sounds like same situation as me. Mil babysat other gks(and still does) because my sil works(part time). My own mum also babysits for my sis every other weekend(they both work full time). But their attitude is that as I am sahm dont actually work therefore dont need any help with babysitting or just a break!. Makes my blood boil!

[monkeyflippers]

I can completely see where you are coming from. My in-laws are very, very reluctant to babysit which bothers me because they look after their other grandchildren ALL the time! I have no help from anywhere else either :(

[pink4ever]

I am appalled that the op is getting such a flaming. yanbu hoping that your mil might offer to babysit very occasionally-she is their gp ffs!.
My mil is similiar. goes on and on about how much she loves dcs but rarely babysits(twice a year if I am lucky and never the 3 dcs). Yet we have to go to inlaws for dinner every sunday or get the waterworks!.
My friends parents have sold their house and are moving closer to her so they can help her out when dc 3 comes along. Is she yabu?.