to feel cross with friend for telling off my child?

[LittleBlossom]

My friend and I have five year old boys and we met when they were six months old. They are now friends. When we are together with the children I find that although I never tell off her son and leave that to her, she will often do that to my boy. I wouldn't mind so much if he had done something deliberately naughty but sometimes I don't agree with what she says. For example this morning we were at a gardening club and he loved the apple press, he went to keep turning the handle after the apples had been turned out and she told him quite sharply, "No, it's not for playing with" (whereas I was going to go up and hold it making sure it was safe) When picking tomatoes in the greenhouse, we had explained about only picking really red ones, but he got another 'No!' for one not red enough, bless him, he was just excited to pick them... also there were a couple of other times, I think he tossed a pear into a box (we'd been doing the same with apples all morning)It's a lot of this "NOooo" which I never do and I worry that he might lose his spontaneity and become wary of trying new things for fear of reprisal for getting it wrong. What do you think? Maybe I am just being sensitive? She does not do it to her own boys however praises him lots eg. "I know you'd be the man for the job"

[deakell]

YANBU.

I wouldn't accept this and I would say immediatley after she'd told him off (assuming you thought she was wrong to do so), "don't worry DS, it's fine if you want to do that, I don't mind"

A few times of you doing this and she should get the idea.

[MadameBelle]

I too, sometimes tell a friend's dc off. It's difficult, she can be very challenging and gets herself into dangerous situations (running off in car parks etc). tbh, my friend is at her wits end with her. I have been there, done that, as mine are all much older (her dd is 3) and she doesn't seem to have many techniques for dealing with behaviour. So I try, in the gentlest way possible, to model how to deal with a bolting 3 year old, for example.

My biggest concern is that she would find it patronising. However, I used to struggle with my eldest, and a good friend of mine did this with me, really showed me how to deal with him in an effective, calm and loving way. She never criticised my parenting, yet was very helpful in giving me pointers in dealing with him. I guess I'm trying to do the same with my friend now, but it's a bit of a minefield so I try to avoid it, although I know she could do with a bit of help. Maybe being more upfront wyould help, but it would have made me defensive.

Sorry, just realised I have gone off at a tangent from the op.

[Wanderingsheep]

Mumbar, I think that that is totally fair enough re: your friend's DD in the supermarket. She was preventing you from pushing your trolley so a, "don't do that," is justified.

[SpeedyGonzalez]

Loubielou: "Mind you if they were actually able to discipline their own children then they would be well behaved and I wouldn't need to would I!" Nice. Very nicely put. I'm sure you didn't mean to sound quite so twattish, did you?

[SpeedyGonzalez]

Custy you are marvellous!

My SIL does this. It is well-meant interfering and it's a right PITA. I also followed Hope's 'cowardly' approach, though nothing would give me more satisfaction than to follow Custy's advice!

[DreamsInBinary]

It depends.

If she tells off your child but ignores her own for doing the same thing, then YANBU. If she gently reprimands your DS for inappropriate behaviour, then YABU.

When I am with friends, the closest adult tends to deal with whatever situation pops up. If I disagree with the verdict, then I'll just say "No, he's fine" or some such. No big deal

So long as the 'telling off' is not unkind, then I don't think it matters which adult it comes from.

[mumbar]

Many people don't like others telling their child off. I personally do not mind if DS has been asked not too.

My friend doesn't like it e.g today her dd kept pulling my trolley in the supermarket I asked her 3 times not to. The 4th time I said ' please don't do that I've asked you not too' and removered her hand. My friend looked really annoyed but I would tell my DS for that and the 2nd time would have been a consequence. They are 5 and 6 so not babies.

I would talk to your friend, dc's are all different and she may not be used to a dc who is into trying everything and exploring and doesn't understand that it's normal. Sometimes peoples expectations are different. SHE may have felt his behaviour was unacceptable and that as you weren't saying something she should/could. I'm not saying this is ok but that maybe you need to discuss what your individual expectations are and what YOU are happy for DS to do - but if she doesn't like it maybe you'll have to go out seperatly.

Ref above example my ds is into everything and exploring BUT if he was asked to stop and explained why if he then did it again yes I would expect him to be told off/ told no etc.

[MollieO]

Difficult. I have a friend who does loud parenting both to her child and mine. If I were to say anything I really don't think she would get it. Instead I usually look over her shoulder at ds and roll my eyes. Not very adult I know but if ds has done something I'm not happy with I always tell him off and he doesn't need to hear it in stereo.

[Morloth]

Depends if she is fair with this.

I have a very small group of friends and we all "parent" all of the kids if we are there.

It isn't a problem though because we all have similar parenting styles and it works out pretty evenly.

If you don't like it though you should say something.

[loubielou31]

Gosh I'm afraid I often tell off other peoples children. My friends probably all hate me.

Mind you if they were actually able to discipline their own children then they would be well behaved and I wouldn't need to would I!

[Wanderingsheep]

LittleBlossom, I don't think YABU at all. While you are there she has no reason to say things to discipline your child. It is up to you! And if you think what he is doing is ok and you're not saying "no, don't do that" etc, then IMVHO she should keep her mouth shut, unless of course he's doing something dangerous.

My friend does this with my DD and it makes my hackles rise. I've never said anything but I would never ever talk to her DS the way she does to DD. It's just little things like for instance we were on the park the other day and I said, "DD would you like a banana?" DD said no and before I could say anything my friend chips in "thankyou!" or I asked DD to sit down whilst having a lollipop. I wasn't too bothered about her actually sitting down as long as she wasn't running around with it but my friend then said, "SIT DOWN wandering's DD!"DD is 3.

[LittleBlossom]

Coodles- that is awful, esp as he could have choked! Think some people see their own children through some kind of rosy haze! Also, have a 2 year old so know how is age common for pushing etc, shouldn't be treated like a 5 yr old!

[coodles]

I had a friend with 2 girls, 5 at the time and one day when I was at her house with my 2 sons,(elder was 5) I suddenly noticed my 2 year old son was pushing and being aggressive to one of them.

Before I could react, this friend suddenly turned to me and informed me that my son was badly behaved and needed more discipline.

I was so taken aback, I apologised and told him to stop.

But my older son then told me my friends daughter had been giving his younger brother marbles and telling him they were sweets. He had put one in his mouth and she had started laughing at him and telling him to eat more.It was at that point that he had apparently become aggressive -maybe he had realised he was being made fun of.

My friend wasn't interested in hearing this and continued to criticise my2 year old. I began to doubt my older son until he showed me the marbles and I realised the girl would not look at me. .........She continued to deny doing anything but I chose to believe my son.

The friendship ended soon after.

I made a point to never criticise friends children after this, exception being one really good friend who I absolutely trust.

[LittleBlossom]

Have thought through it and have thought what would do next time, maybe say "I'll handle this" when she starts the No (which is not shouting although sometimes loud if further away!) then say to Elliot something like 'careful, pears bruise more easily than apples... Think sometimes problem has been have felt bit undermined and cross and not said anything, so maybe she feels she needs to step in, perhaps...

[diddl]

I think when you are there it´s OK to tell your son that he may do something even though she has said no.

[LittleBlossom]

QS- don't think is bad behaviour though- that would be (for me) deliberate naughtiness eg hurting someone. Am trained as early years teacher, and quite into children being able to play, explore etc. Don't think she quite gets that.

[pagwatch]

ROFL at custy

[QS]

Is she raising her voice and shouting at your child or is she just telling him "no" when he does something he shouldnt?

The problem is, if her boy is very well behaved, and does as he is expected, and your boy is more boisterous and keeps doing things he is not supposed to, and her boy sees that YOUR boy is getting away with "naughtyness", her boy may copy your, and SHE will end up with a child too boisterious for her liking....

[activate]

sounds like you have different standards of behaviour

it's not going to change

and it's not a big deal

don't see her if it pisses you off because it's innate and she ain't going to change

[LittleBlossom]

Think I'll go cowardly then if continues get brave!

[HopeForTheBestExpectTheWorst]

Ah, Custardo raises the stakes somewhat to the "Highly Aggresive Level" :o :o

[LittleBlossom]

Yesterday- yes maybe you're right. her boy is quite sort of placid and grown up.

[Tortington]

kick her in the fanjo

[HopeForTheBestExpectTheWorst]

I knew being non-confrontational would pay off at some point :o