to request my daughters dad visits her during term-time instead of her travelling 500miles every other week

[LexyLea]

I am currently in dispute with my ex-husband who insists that our daughter travels to his home every other week. I believe this is unreasonable towards our daughter for 3 main reasons 1) the distance, my ex-husband lives 250 miles away and I believe driving there & back every other week would be unfair on our daughter, 2) her age, at 3 years old I believe the distance and the length of time in the car (not to mention dangerous moterways etc) would not be fair, and 3) the fact that she gets travel sick, to make her conduct this long journey would, has and continues to make her ill, usually at least once per journey.
It was my decision to relocate after our divorce in order that I return to univeristy to retrain so that I can properly support my daughter and I, and I can understand that my ex-husband feels angry about this, however I have invited him to visit our daughter as much as he wishes, and have asked that this be the arrangement during term-time so that her education does not suffor from tiredness / inconsistent parenting / instability etc, and I have even offered to give him a bed for the night as is it such a long journey. However, he refuses to make the journey and insists that I take her to his home, where I have been uninvited from entering and would have to drive straight back to my home, only to return a day later to pick her up (a round total of about 1000 in a 36 hour period). This is also a bone of contention for safety, time, cost isuues etc.
Please tell me if I am being unreasonable in requesting (in these circumstances) I request that my ex-husband visits our daughter during term-time.

[booyhoo]

i dont think yabu.

and i do think her education is relevant. she is only 3 now but in 1 year she will be starting primary school. if OP agrees to do all the driving now it will mean she has to renegotiate in a year. not ideal as her dd will be used to the arrangement,. her exh might decide to be awkward after having his way for a year and decide to cut contact leaving a 4 year old girl very confused.

i think best to sort it out now with the education in mind because it will be a factor all too soon.

also, OP you need to sort maintenance.

500 miles is alot of petrol. if he was paying maintenance then i would say you doing half the journey is reasonable as you chose to move but the fact he isn't means he is being unreasonable.

[booyhoo]

altinkum totally agree. this man is contributing nothing and expecting OP to do all the running. yes she moved but i am assuming this man has a career already. why should OP put hers on hold to make sure he doesn't have to over-exert himself?

[gtamom]

Well, I see what he is saying, you did choose to move, but he should also be thinking of how hard this is on the little one. And this hopefully is a temporary situation, while you finish your education. (hope you don't have years of schooling ahead of you!)

Would it be an option to have shared custody, with 2 weeks your place, 2 weeks his place? Or even one week at a time? Or once a month she stay with him for one week?

Take him to court for your daughters support money, he owes it to her.
Buy some anti-nausea bracelets for her to wear in the car. Some work better than others, so if they do not work, try another brand. We used them for our sone and my mom and 2 nieces as well used them, effectively for both, for travel sickness.

Meet him at a halfway point for pick up and drop off.

[gtamom]

Drats, I always seem to see typo's after I hit send.

[gtamom]

It's driving me nuts, have to correct it. Sorry

Buy some anti-nausea bracelets for her to wear in the car.
Some work better than others, so if they do not work, try another brand. We used them for our son and my mom and 2 nieces used them as well, (effectively for all) for travel sickness. Car and boat both.

[terryble]

Huh. I remember being a travel-sick three-year-old. (I still get travel-sick on long journeys, actually.)

For that alone, and ignoring the rest, I think you're not being unreasonable. I appreciate this man must really miss his daughter, and it wasn't him who moved, but... Inflicting two such long journeys on a young child, with barely any recuperation time in between cannot be the only solution. Longer visits, at less frequent intervals? Hell, the money you'd save in petrol might cover a flea-ridden B&B, even.

Plus, what about the planet!!!111!

[amberleaf]

If you knew your daughter suffered from travel sickness, you must have had some clue that access visits would be a problem BEFORE you moved 250 miles?

I feel sorry for your child having to do all that traveling.

What is the issue with maintenance? why isnt he paying? if its because hes not working then he wouldnt be able to afford to travel, if he is working contact the csa and get it sorted.

[Lougle]

I think YABU. Being a mother means that you have to put your child first. I would love to be a medic, could easily get on a course to be one, but know that to do so I would have to put my family 2nd, so won't do it.

You have chosen to retrain in a field that only has 2 universities offering courses. You could have retrained in any number of areas. You put yourself first.

Now, you need to find a way of putting your DD first, and it isn't her fault that you moved her 250 miles away from her father.

[bottyburpthebarbarian]

Sorry but YABU.

You moved your daughter. Did you not think of the impact this would have on her relationship with her Dad?

For the record, I am a soon-to-be divorced parent who is going to university. There are all sorts of courses I would have loved to have done at various universities.

I did not, however, do ANY of them because I had a duty not to take my kids so far away that they could not have a meaningful relationship with their dad.

Your DD should have come first. You should not have moved her so far from her father and then all the other issues you're discussing wouldn't have arisen.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

YABU, you put your own wants before the needs of your child. I am sure you could have chosen a uni closer or found a job within the area so as not to move so far away. Even worse if you knew your daughter suffered travel sickness and still did it anyway.

Your daughter wont look back in this and think you moved for her, all she will see is that you moved so far away from her father so that as to cause problems and maybe cut him from her life eventually.

If this was posted the other way round and the dad had moved away expecting mum to do all the travelling I expect there would be much more uproar.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

Actually reading the only other post the OP has made, it refers to feeding a large family, shopping during her dinner hour from work etc so not sure now if this is a wind up.

[bottyburpthebarbarian]

HappyMummy - I agree totally with what you said.

For the record, I hate where I live its shite. But I am stuck here til the kids are at the very least left school and I have to make it work.

I have to suck it up, not the kids.

If this makes sense, it has to limit my choices and my abilities to live where I want and to get on with my life, not the kids???

[miniwedge]

YABU but so is he.

Contact and mediation for contact should have been sorted before you moved....

For the record, from a legal point of view contact and maintenence are not related issues.

I would break the issues down into separate chunks to achieve some resolution;

1; Weekly/fortnightly contact is not working, most of the contact time is spent travelling and then resting after travel. So offer a schedule that covers the next 12 months, put it in writing and come at it from the angle that you want to provide a method of longer periods of contact for dd and your ex that allows them to relax together. Work it around a normal school year as this will set up a workable routine for when she is full time at school.

So, offer 1 week at Easter, 3 weeks over the summer, all half terms and 1 week every christmas alternating who has dd for christmas day.
Also stipulate that you will make sure you have a usable webcam so that dd and your ex can talk and see each other on Skype two evenings during the week. (Skype is free)

This will put the ball in his court and you will be acting reasonably to promote workable contact. He will probably negotiate a couple of differences but any solicitor would encourage him to go with this I think.

Offer to do half the travelling. That way you are both contributing to travel costs.

Re maintenence, why is he not paying? If he is just being arsey then I would write and give him 4 wks notice to offer you reasonable maintenence bfore you are compelled to go through the csa.
If it is because he has high levels of debt or low income etc I would ask to work out a level of maintenence that he can realistically afford to pay regularly as you are more likely to get the money then.

[bottyburpthebarbarian]

How do I see posts that the OP has made?

[VinegarTits]

YANBU you moved to further your education to provide a better life for your dd, i cannot believe posters are telling you yabu for this

your exh is sitting on his arse expecting you to do all the driving while he refuses to pay maintenance

go to the CSA and when he starts paying regular maintenance then tell him you would be prepared to 'share' the driving, until then he can drive to you and get her

[CheeseandGherkins]

YANBU imho. It's in your daughter's best interests to have someone supporting her and if that means moving away from a deatbeat dad then so be it as far as I'm concerned. Just because it's away from the father doesn't mean it's automatically not in the child's best interests; it's far more complicated than that.

[tiptree]

I moved my daughter away from her father - with his consent ( He moves around a lot) - I accepted that in doing so I had to enable him to have regular access for which I pay much of the cost for.

YABU and you should have thought of this first.

[LadyBiscuit]

Yes that is very odd HappyMummy.

If this is real, I think there are two separate issues - lack of maintenance and ensuring your DD sees her dad. They shouldn't be confused - it's your child's right to see her father and you were the one that moved 250m away when you know she gets travel sick. Can't you both take a train and meet 1/2 way or something?

And her being at nursery is going to make little or no impact on her long term education - in most other countries they don't start school until they're 7.

[RustyBear]

lostFeelings- lots of universities don't have a half term or reading week halfway through the term, so if the OP's is one of them, then your schedule won't work.

If the OP's daughter is as travel sick as I was at the age of 3 then two 250 mile journeys within a few days will be a nightmare for her and I definitely wouldn't want to inflict that on her.

[TotalChaos]

yanbu. he should at least be taking turns to do the travelling to spare your DD.

[bottyburpthebarbarian]

Lexy - I am genuinely interested as to how you manage such a long journey on a regular basis with a large family??

Who looks after your other kids? It must be a nightmare to organise and co-ordinate?