to be useless, for want of a better word.

[JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns]

Had a huge row with dp today, basically it ended with me being called useless.

heres the backstory, i dont want to drip feed info.

Ive lived in suffolk my whole life, dp is from midlands, he moved to my area 5yrs ago, we set up home and had the dcs, were very happy there, then he was made redundant at a really bad time for us and severe financial difficulties had us move to a house in march this year the pils rent out in midlands to help us recover financially.

A week after we moved, my grandma who with my mum brought me up was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and given worst case scenario of 6mnths to live, and the chemo and radiotherapy has changed her personality beyond recognition, she is exceptionally hard to be around, and i harbour alot of guilt for feeling that way as i want to treasure every second.

Then in may, my brother was still born (my mum had me young, im early 20s,) it was a day after his duedate and he stopped kicking and that was it, its caused a huge amount of greif and chaos amongst the family, and as calous as i know it sounds i didnt expect the complete pain im still feeling for someone i never even met.

on top of this dp has only managed agency work here and there for the past year so our income is never sure, and we are in a mess, the pils decided they wanted to sell the house so after a huge 100mile move we are being left homeless.

My mum has been such a mess since my brother died she wont let me leave her house, so ive been staying there with the dcs while dp travels for work, job centre meetings what ever the case maybe, weve also been rejected by the past 6 houses weve applied for.

Its taking alot of effort to keep going, and i feel like im a huge failure and a terrible mum, im not functioning well to be blunt.

While staying at mums shes taken over washing tidying etc, shes a mother hen and enjoys caring for someone, i still do all dcs basic care, but mum often likes doing trips to park, baths etc, at the moment id give her the world to make her smile once,
dp is calling me spoilt and lazy, i know im lacking initiative at the moment, i just bury myself in novels and forums and things that arent real to forget the reality im dealing with, i take the kids out for long walks everyday and parks etc and im totally happy and content whilst doing that then i go back to mums and its all back, and i realise i took them out so they will go to bed so at 7pm i can shut off and not have to do anything,

I KNOW i need to get a grip and wash pots, do a load of washing and be a proper mum again but every day i think right here goes, gotta change and i dont, ive tried explaining to dp my feelings but just cant, i just feel like ive failed the children by loosing our home, and im scared of never enjoying tome with my grandma again. and i could ramble forever
as thats all i seem to do, i never get anywhere.

so aibu being useless or do i need to snap out of it and be the perfect mum and fiance?

i know im being unreasonable, i think.

[JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns]

when we stayed at the in laws for visits, mil loved doing big family meals and would ask for washing so we didnt take it home and so on, but shed ask for help wasshing up and tidying up etc, which i do anyway since it was all my kids mess. but as a rule she isnt the mother hen sort and dp was brought up doing pretty much everything for himself, so i understand him thinking im taking advantage as it doesnt seem normal to him, iyswim. however he fussed and moaned like a stroppy teen if mil asked.

at my mums there is already my sister and brother 5 and 2, so its already got all the chaos little kids bring, its a different environment to ils, from what dp has said since i think the useless stuff, was just the first thing that came into his head he could critisize me for.

[ChippingIn]

Did you go for your drive/talk last night?

How are things today??