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AIBU?

to get upset with my DD being split from her best friend?

37 replies

knackered76 · 13/07/2010 19:42

DD in reception and today they found out who their teacher will be next year. We have 2 reception classes which are being mixed up. My DD is not with her best friend from who she is almost inseparable. This would not bother me so much but have since found out that all the other pairs of children haven't been split so am getting increasingly wound up by it. Why would they split my DD? I know they aren't trouble and they work well in the class so what is the point. I even went to the head pre the split and checked that they wouldn't split friends just for the sake of it but looking at the new classes that's exactly what's been done. I am furious and so upset for my DD who has just spent the whole evening in tears because she won't be with her friend I've put a happy spin on it and explained she'll still see her at playtime etc. but inside I am soooooooooo . Am going to see the teacher tomorrow to find out why she split them and ask her to explain to my DD.

Sorry for long post, really needed to vent!

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knackered76 · 14/07/2010 08:14

DrNortherner - having been that teacher at this time of year I have to say it isn't actually too bad. All most parents want is an explanation of something and once it has been explained, generally leave it alone. If teachers are not willing to discuss reasons for actions with parents they shouldn't be in the job as parents are part of the job. If my DD was upset for a different reason I would be going to see the teacher about that as well. If children aren't happy they don't learn well. I just want to reassurance she will be fine, which I am sure she will. Not unreasonable I think.

mumbar - I think you're right about her being the one who can cope better!

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lowrib · 14/07/2010 08:08

If it was me I'd try to get them put in the same class. Have you asked to see if this is possible?

I am still close with my best friend from primary school.

mumbar · 14/07/2010 07:47

It always amazes me how schools/teachers tell us to leave childrens friendships alone but get themselves fully involved by 'splitting them up for the best'

Reminds me of when ds (now 5.10) started year r, only 3 children from his nursery went to this school he and a girl in his class and his friend from nursery in the other.

2 months in teacher complained ds seemed to rely on this girl - something teacher was unhappy about as apparently girl is quiet and ds lively!!

They don't mix up for year 1 so they are still together and this year they are splitting and they have put ds and this girl together!!!

I'm sure dd will be fine and dispite what you say about being emotionl wreak i actually think your being very level headed and undersyand that its a minor thing but also upsetting and will be fine in the long run. Maybe dd is the more mature so will cope better being the 1 of the 3 to move.

Sorry bout mc - chin up luvvy your doing a great job.

DrNortherner · 14/07/2010 07:30

This happenned to a few kids including my ds when he was going into Yr 1. A few parents were upset and demanded answers from school, I just think they have to learn that they are not always with their friends.

I feel sorry for teachers this time of year with interfering parents going on about class splits, friend splits and school reports. It would do my nut in I must say.

Let them do their job, your dd will get over it.

mummytime · 14/07/2010 07:12

If you do go in, ask to speak privately to the teacher/head teacher, and do explain about the MC and that you are bit emotional at present. Then do your best to ask calmly.

I would think all infant school teachers should be used to emotional women (lots of pregnant, just had a baby women around). If the person you spoke to has had kids, they will also know the most worrying thing for parents isn't their kids being "thick" but having no friends. (Don't jump on me for the t word, but lets be honest who wouldn't rather their kid ends up collecting trolleys at Sainsbury's than has no friends?)

knackered76 · 14/07/2010 07:05

hotcrossbunny - I feel your pain! Like you I'm sure it will all be fine, and as everyone has pointed out they will see each other at breaks, etc. There are also benefits not being together, just so awful to see the upset.

I know children are wonderfully resilient and after the first hurdle (on thursday when they go into their new classes) things will get better. Am still going in today to find out why. Should probably leave it but can't (I really have turned into that interfering parent)!

Thank you all for your replies. I know things will be fine, just needed to be told (lots of times so it sinks in!).

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weenawoo · 14/07/2010 05:06

It will be fine. I was an army brat, moved countrys at this age then went to a forces school in Germany. Lots of best friends moved away, always got upset, always got over it quite fast. I think children can adapt to new situations faster than adults.
Am now married to a man in the RAF so will come back to eat my words when DD (age 2) doesn't want to leave her friend in a couple of years.....

hotcrossbunny · 14/07/2010 00:02

My dd has been split from her 3 best friends as she moves up to Juniors even though they all wrote each other down as friends and were recommended to stay together! Her teacher can't understand it and actually rang the school to point it out I keep saying to myself 'It will be fine' and I'm sure it will, but I think the first few weeks might be tricky...

Maybe we should return to this thread in September and support each other through the transition?!

mrsfollowill · 13/07/2010 23:56

i had to come back to this! Your DD will still get to see her friend at breaks and lunch. You may find they mix the activities between classes so they will still see and support each other. At the same time they will make other friends and probably all end up as a big group. To be honest at this age they swap and change friends. I remember picking up a very tearful DS who told me him and best mate had "split up" one day (aged 6) but the next day they were back together. I spent all night worrying about it so I understand where you are coming from.

Hulababy · 13/07/2010 21:47

Remind her that her best friend can still be her best friend. even though they are not int he same class.

My DD's best friend doesn't even go to her school, and even if she did they are in different year groups due to birthdates. But TBh it is great. They are thick as thieves when together, are constantly thinking of the other and making plans for their next meet up. They get to see each other at least once a week and we have been away on holiday with each family (and plan too again later this year) and they are still best buddies some 6 years after meeting, despite four years of different schoold.

wonka · 13/07/2010 21:45

My 6 year old has been split up from all his friends, when I asked why, was told they cannot work together, would actually benifit him during his working day to not have the distraction it made sense!

Oblomov · 13/07/2010 20:49

Ds was split, not from his best friend but from a group of 3 other boys. I was very upset by it at the time. But i did trust the teachers judgement. There MUST be a reason. My school is lovely. teachers lovely. and i do trust them. once i reminded myself that, i saw that there MUST be a reason, even if they were unable to tell me what it was.

knackered76 · 13/07/2010 20:48

Actually I was never in the same class as my best friend either and 30 years down the line we're still going strong!

I always vowed I would never be the mum that got too involved in her children's lives at school and let them deal with things that come their way. Opps, appeared to have fallen at the first hurdle !

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rocketupbum · 13/07/2010 20:46

I would also add that my I was never in the same class as my best friend all through primary. It was actually pretty cool having a pal who was not involved directly in the day to day politics of the class. We are also still best pals now - 35 years later!

frenchfancy · 13/07/2010 20:42

This happened to my daughter when she moved up to high school. I was upset at the time as the only other child from her school in her class was the one child she didn't get on with at all.

One year on and it has all worked out for the best. She still has her best friend, but also has lots of other friends from her class, and her BFs class.

Teachers have lots of reasons for how they split up classes, and sometimes it is just random, either way they still get to spend alot of time together.

knackered76 · 13/07/2010 20:40

Mrsfollowill - her being left on her own is exactly what I am worried about. The silly thing being I won't know that until next year anyway and can't possibly spend the next 8 weeks worrying about it, just doing so tonight has been exhausting!

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knackered76 · 13/07/2010 20:38

I don't think the other mum has (although you never know!). I think she might possibly be more upset because there are 3 of them who play together and 2 are in one class and her in the other. The other girl also has a tendency to be mean to my DD when she wants her own way (pretty sure my DD gives it back though and probably invites it sometimes!). Now I have calmed down am just curious for the reason and whether that reason has been applied to the other children.

Off far a bath and a good book, there are slightly more serious things to worry about in life

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mrsfollowill · 13/07/2010 20:34

This happened to my DS when he moved from reception to year 1. With hindsight it was for the best.He and his best mate still saw each other at breaktimes etc but it gave DS the chance to make new friendships- something he would not have done so readily. His friend moved house and school a year later but by that stage DS had a much wider circle of friends. They were all sad to see the 'best friend' leave and still talk about him but the main thing is my DS was not left 'on his own'. At our school they mix up the classes every year- this has mostly been positive as all the kids now know each other well.

clam · 13/07/2010 20:24

So, is there any chance that the other child's mum asked for the split??
Remember that some pairs of girls will be fine staying together, and others not. There will be a reason - but be prepared that you may not like it!
Sorry!

zam72 · 13/07/2010 20:08

This exact thing happened to my DS and his best friend today - although my DS is absolutely fine about it and said himself it would be OK if it happened a few days ago cos he'd still see his friend at play time (wonder if the teacher's had been sowing seeds in their minds beforehand). I spoke to the teachers a few weeks previous and they said they try and keep friends together - so I was a little that they didn't do it. But as my DS is OK about it, its OK by me too. I wondered whether the other mum had had a word - not at all in a malicious or mean way to my DS, just looking for the opportunity for her DS to maybe mix more? My DS and hers are quite inseparable and when my DS was off ill recently his best friend was apparently bereft until he came back (Snobear's comment about a love so strong is very true for them!) - so actually maybe the teacher decided it would be best.

Undoubtedly I would feel the same as you though and not just 'ah, the way of the world' if my DS was really upset over it.

Sorry to hear about your loss too...

knackered76 · 13/07/2010 20:07

I know All a bit hard seeing her so upset when it wasn't me who caused it !

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cupofteaplease · 13/07/2010 20:06

The same thing has happened to my dd last week, also in reception. She is currently in a little group of 4, who are 'best friends' but very combattative towards each other too.

So the teachers decided to split them up into two pairs to go up to year 1. Only problem is, dd's 'partner' is now emigrating, so dd was left alone. Teacher asked me to speak to her and find out if there was anyone else she would like to be with before they finalised classes. Dd mentioned 3 children, and when the class lists came out, dd wasn't with any of them either!

Teacher just said that dd has been railroaded and dominated by a couple of children and she wants her seperated from them for year 1 so she can develop her own character as she is 'a lovely little girl'.

I trust that the teacher knows best.

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mumtoabeautifulbabyboy · 13/07/2010 20:05

Sorry x post.

See Knackered...you know it will be fine don't you

knackered76 · 13/07/2010 20:04

Have to admit was getting a bit worried over the jealousy my DD was showing over other friends of her BF but now I am overcome with irrational thoughts of no-one liking her and being mean to her. I think I need a drink and to pull myself together.

Thank you for no-one outwardly calling me stupid and irrational, even though I know I am being

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mumtoabeautifulbabyboy · 13/07/2010 20:03

If they are that inseparable and your 5 year old has been in tears over it for hours then that may well have been why the teacher thought they would benefit from time apart. It may help her to socialise/cope with change/widen her circle of friends.

They will still see each other at break and lunch and you can have her round for tea etc.

As a teacher I was in situation that Lady anonymous desribed where one parent of the 'best friends' had actually requested the split and the other came in to me upset. I obviously could not disclose this information to the upset parent. Something to keep in mind perhaps.

Teachers are very aware of who best friends are, so if they were split up, there was probably some reason.

Well done you for putting a happy spin on it for your DD. So many parents don't and are end up making the situation far worse .

All the best.

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